Recklessly Ever After

by Heather Van Fleet

  “He wants to get married, doesn’t he? Isn’t that pressure enough?”

  Her smile grew softer, but she didn’t answer right away. My best friend—who loved children and wanted a brood of them someday, along with a happily ever after—had always feared marriage.

  “He does. And I want to marry him too. It’s just taken me a bit to decide that. But Collin has waited for me. Been patient with me and my decisions. And as crude and rude as he can be, he’ll always support me in whatever I choose. Just like Gavin will likely support you no matter what you choose.”

  I sighed to myself, finally seeing her point. It was a wonderful, torturous kind of hell to have such a smart, supportive, loving best friend.

  The two of us had known each other since college, but we’d never compared our lives. We just lived them side by side, there for each other when need be. Addie had a domineering, controlling, asshole father and a mother who’d never stood up against him, while I had a mom who wanted nothing to do with me and a father who always forgot about me. The difference between Addie and me was that I didn’t strive to find someone in my life to make me happy. At least I thought I didn’t. But she craved it. That warm, fuzzy kind of love that gave someone a sense of purpose.

  Collin was her purpose. And he was hers.

  “Listen, this”—she pressed her hand against my flat stomach—“isn’t the end of the world. I can help you with whatever happens, whether you decide to raise it on your own or give it up for adoption. I’m here, okay? I’ll support you.”

  “Why?”

  She jerked her head back as if I’d hit her. “Why what?”

  “Why would you do that for me?” My eyes swelled with more unshed tears.

  Slowly, she shook her head, looking stupefied, yet her gaze never left my face. “You’re really asking me that?”

  I shrugged, at a loss for words.

  “Because, Kenna, no matter what happens, you and I are lifer friends. You got me?”

  My lips trembled. As if someone had pulled a plug, draining all my emotions into one dripping waterfall of sadness, I lost it. Gushing tears, sobbing—lost it.

  “Aww, don’t cry.” She smoothed a hand down my back as she hugged me close again. I wasn’t that much taller than her, but I felt tiny in her strong arms.

  A few minutes into my sob fest, soft footsteps sounded along the floor behind us. I sniffed, embarrassed by my weeping, and pulled away to see Chloe toddling into the room, followed by her daddy. She reached for the edges of my shorts, then stabbed a thumb into her mouth. Her wide eyes met mine in that way only a toddler could. Big, honest, and hopeful.

  Could I do this? Raise a kid? Be a mom? I had never planned on it. But the idea seemed less daunting as I looked into this little girl’s eyes.

  Collin cleared his throat as I looked up. Clearly uncomfortable, he rubbed a hand up and down the back of his neck. “Sorry. I was gonna tell you ladies that I’m taking Chloe for ice cream.”

  Addie kept her arm around my shoulder as she turned. With her other arm, she reached over and ran a finger through Chloe’s curls as she said, “Sounds good.” She looked my way. “You want to come along?”

  “Thanks, but fourth-wheeling it with you guys on a Thursday night isn’t my idea of a good time.”

  I couldn’t help but smile as I watched Collin walk over and scoop up his daughter. He might have bugged me with his bossy tendencies, but I couldn’t fault him for it that much. He’d been through a lot. At least he had two other men in his life, along with Addie, a super-supportive sister, and decent parents to help him.

  “We’ll meet you in the car.” He bent to kiss Addie’s temple. Next to her, he looked like a gushing giant—which he pretty much was when it came to my best friend. I’d never doubted his love for Addie; I just doubted the way he went about loving her.

  He was nothing like lumber-sexual Gavin, though their height and weight matched. Gavin was quiet and broody, yet thoughtful. Collin was broody and broody, and loved my best friend as though that were his only job in the world. Gavin wasn’t quite as agitated about the world as Collin was, and when Gavin looked at me…

  “Shit.” I gasped at the thought, leaning over to press my hands to my knees, remembering how much he seemed to like me. Thinking back on it, Gavin looked at me the way Collin looked at Addie. How was that even possible? We barely knew each other.

  “You all right?” Collin asked.

  Addie answered for me. “She’s okay. Just still dealing with that stomach thing.”

  “Five days later?” His voice rose in disbelief, and Addie’s hand froze between my shoulder blades. I held my breath, and I could hear her doing the same.

  “Dada, bye-bye,” Chloe squealed, saving me from having to explain something I was not ready to explain.

  “Okay, Beaner, let’s go.” God. That kid was my Wonder Woman in Diapers.

  Once the front door clicked shut, I righted myself—along with my head. “You can’t tell Collin.”

  “About the baby?” Addie bit her lip.

  “Yes. Please don’t.” I blew out a breath and leaned back against her dresser. “I need to tell Gavin first. It’s only right.”

  She nodded in agreement. “Are you going to…you know, go over there tonight and tell him? I think he’s home.”

  I knew what needed to be done, that I couldn’t wait any longer than necessary. I already felt like a bloated cow, and according to my monthly cycle, I was only about five weeks along. Someone would pick up on it sooner or later, and I couldn’t ask Addie to keep the news from Collin for too long either. They had a no-secrets policy, something I still didn’t fully grasp. And again, Gavin had a right to know.

  “I think so.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay behind, just in case something goes wrong?”

  I shook my head. “If he blows up on me, I’ll know what needs to be done.”

  “And if he doesn’t…?”

  The hope in her eyes could have been bottled into something that changed the world. My best friend still believed in my happiness, way more than I did.

  “I’ll be fine.” I kissed her on the forehead and smiled, not feeling the positivity I tried to emit. If I was being honest with myself, I think I was more scared he’d accept the truth. Then in turn, would he push for more? With me? I’m not sure if I was ready for that either—if I ever would be.

  I walked Addie outside and said my goodbyes, inhaling a giant breath before I swung right toward Gavin’s place. Rolling out my shoulders, I didn’t take the time to think about what I was about to do and just did it, knocking on the door with a hell of a lot more bravery than I felt.

  A few minutes passed, and he’d still not answered, yet I heard noises inside—voices, more than one. My chest grew tight, my heart racing too fast, yet instead of leaving, I knocked harder. I’m not sure why. Maybe I needed to see what I already knew was there?

  Affirmation that proved I was right to not want more with a man?

  Rooted in place, I knocked one final time. And then the door opened.

  Chapter 11

  Gavin

  “McKenna…” I started.

  Kenna stood fixed on the other side of the threshold, looking worse than she had two days ago. Uncombed hair, pale complexion, dark circles under her eyes, which were bright red. Yet even haggard, she was still the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

  “Hey.” She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “I was wondering if we could—”

  “I think I’m going to take off, Gavin.” Sienna came up beside me, eyes widening a little at the sight of McKenna. I cringed, wondering if I should do introductions, only for Kenna to jump in first.

  “You’re busy. I’ll come back another time.” She backed away, eyes welling with tears.

  “Wait, please. Don’t go.” She was the reason I wa
s breaking. She was also the reason I was struggling to pick myself up again. One night with this woman, and I was a mess. She was the unattainable lover I could never have again.

  But she was here now…

  Sienna touched my shoulder, then smiled politely at Kenna. “I was just leaving. Please, do stay.” She looked at me, knowingness in her gray eyes. “And thank you for tonight, Gavin. I’ll talk to you soon.” Then she was gone. A woman who was textbook perfect, but not for me.

  “I’m sorry,” Kenna said, watching Sienna get into her car from over her shoulder. “I didn’t mean to mess up your date.”

  “You told me to leave” were the first words out of my mouth. I didn’t expect to be so pissed. But I was. “In your apartment, when you were so sick, you told me to leave and…” I took a breath, letting it come out in a rush as I struggled for words.

  Kenna sighed and kicked the tip of her shoe against the porch floor. “It was a bad day.”

  “You’ve had a lot of those lately,” I grumbled.

  She shrugged, then looked inside my apartment. “Do you mind if we talk?”

  “About?”

  “Us.”

  I froze, unsure if I’d heard her right. “Us?”

  She nodded. “Yeah.”

  If I let her inside, if we talked, there was a ninety percent likelihood that she’d run away again. Question was, could I keep doing this? Let her in, only for her to push me away? I was already tired of it—the games, the yes, the no, the I can’t. Which is why this talk of ours? It would have to be on my terms, not hers.

  “How about tomorrow night?” I asked, trying to stay strong but struggling every second longer we stood there, so close, yet so damn far away.

  “Tomorrow,” she repeated, her blue eyes holding mine.

  “Yeah.”

  Just then, Cat came out of the house, purring as he rubbed himself in between Kenna’s legs. I lifted my head, finding her gorgeous, wide smile, and all the air in my lungs grew heavy, burning. I pressed my palm against my heart, wishing it’d stop with the fucking reactions.

  “You kept him?” She bent over to pick him up. Pulling him to her chest, I watched as she snuggled him close, wishing she was holding me instead.

  “I did.” I smiled. “Named him Cat.” I could have told her why I kept him: that I was lonely and tired of being that way, that more than anything, I wished she were in the bed next to me at night instead of him. Though I suppose he could stay too, at the foot of the bed or something.

  But I didn’t say any of that.

  I couldn’t.

  Not when her words kept running through my head.

  Go away. Please.

  My chest grew tight at the memory. Too many people had said similar shit to me, and it wasn’t something I could just get over. Not anymore.

  “That’s a very original name.” She rubbed her cheek against Cat’s nose, eyes shut. Her hair fell over his face, and he batted it away with his white paws.

  “He likes you.” I stuck my hands in my pockets.

  Her smile decreased a little, but it still packed a punch, one that hit me straight in the gut this time.

  “I like him too.”

  Inside my house, my cell phone rang. It was likely Max, asking about how my date went, but it was enough to spook Kenna. “Tomorrow night, then. That will be better for me. I have to work all day, then maybe I can, um”—she tucked some hair behind her ear again as she looked at me from under her long side bangs—“come by and cook us dinner?”

  I should’ve said no. Maybe told her I wasn’t in the state of mind to get head-fucked by her some more. What I needed to do was work on my house, as I’d planned, and concentrate on getting myself ready to go back to work on Monday. Yet telling her no didn’t exist in my limited vocabulary.

  “Sure.” I held out my arms and grabbed Cat, setting him inside my place and pulling the door shut behind me as I stepped farther onto the porch.

  “Awesome. What’s your favorite meal?” she asked.

  “Not picky.”

  “You’re a meat-and-potatoes man? Fish? Pasta?” She nudged me in the ribs with her elbow as we started walking down the driveway toward her car. Our arms were close, fingers closer. My body was humming for her, desperate to pull her close.

  “Hmm. Whatever.”

  “I’ll surprise you, then.”

  I followed her with my gaze as she opened the car door, not asking questions when she got into her seat and waved goodbye.

  * * *

  McKenna

  I couldn’t concentrate on my shift the next day, not that there was much to concentrate on. The patients were cranky as hell in orthopedics, and the other nurses were bitchier than the ones I typically worked with in the ICU. But they were short-staffed, and I was feeling generous.

  Thank God I got two breaks.

  What I needed was a toilet. And some coffee. For the first time in days, my stomach was grumbling for something real and nutritional. It was either a blessing or a curse, and I wasn’t sure which yet.

  To get to the cafeteria, I had to pass the ER. I tried to avoid that place—the GSWs, the heart attacks… I might have been a nurse, but I preferred the slower paced departments. My ultimate goal was to work in an office, because the stress and hours of a hospital were becoming too much for me. This job was the epitome of stressful, but I couldn’t go back in time and tell twenty-year-old me to step away from the dream, that reality tended to be crap. Still, I loved helping people, cranky assholes or not.

  Thankfully, the ER seemed to be quiet for the most part, other than a scuffle down the hall between a cop and a guy in cuffs who was puking all over the floor.

  “Yeah, not cool.” I had veered off to the left when my cell rang. Frowning, I looked down at the screen. Addie was calling.

  “Hey, girl. How are things in Minnesota?”

  “Kenna? Oh, thank God you answered. Are you still working?”

  “Well, hello to you too. And yes, I am.”

  “Seriously, McKenna. There’s been an accident.”

  My body went stiff. “What happened?”

  “Apparently Lia and Max took Chloe to some pizza place, and she fell off a basketball game thing and broke her arm.”

  “Shit.” Forgetting my break, I headed straight toward Peds. My guess was that Chloe was still in the ER, but X-Ray was closer to the pediatric unit than anywhere else, so I’d take the chance there first. “How long ago?”

  Addie blew out a heavy breath, and I could tell she was holding the tears back. With her mom being so sick, she didn’t have time to deal with this.

  “We just got the call ten minutes ago. Collin can’t get a flight out until tomorrow morning, so he’s pretty worked up.”

  I cringed, imagining a worked-up Collin. “She’ll be in good hands. Max and Lia are here, and aren’t his parents too?”

  “Yeah, but he hates that he can’t be. Both of us do. This is his baby girl.”

  And yours too, I wanted to say.

  Unconsciously, I lowered my hand to my stomach, wondering if I’d be the same way had the roles been reversed. “I’ll check on her as much as I can, okay?”

  “Thank you.” She sniffed.

  If I could hug her, I would, but I couldn’t, so I did the next best thing and distracted her. “Oh. I’ve got news.”

  “What kind of news? Because I can’t take any more bad stuff right now.”

  “No. This is…different news. I’m cooking dinner for Gavin tonight at his place.”

  She coughed. “Come again?”

  Swallowing hard, I stared at the floor outside the X-ray room. Maybe this wasn’t the best conversation I could offer. Still, I wasn’t graceful when it came to something that made me worry, and my worry over my best friend and Chloe were making me extra shaky. “I said I’m making dinne
r tonight for Gavin. At his place.”

  “Wow. Okay, then. This is good news. I take it you told him everything after you left our place and things are going to work out with you two?”

  I sucked in a deep breath, holding it for a second. “Well, technically—”

  “…and you have no right to talk to me like I’m lower than you, you rotten bitch. This is my fifteen-month-old niece. I will be in that X-ray room with her, whether you like it or not.”

  My eyes widened as a pink-and-purple-haired woman zoomed by me, raging mad and stabbing a finger in the air. On a stretcher next to her was a familiar-looking, curly-haired toddler with wet eyes and pouty lips: Chloe. An X-ray tech pushed her through the door, and the world’s bitchiest doctor walked five feet ahead of them.

  “Um, I’ve got an emergency to get back to. Call me later?”

  “Okay, love you, Kens. Please let me know what you find out.”

  “Will do, babe.”

  I hung up quickly, sticking my phone into the pocket of my scrubs. Not wasting any time, I took off after the four-person crew, eyeing the doctor with my world-famous glare. Of course Dr. Johanna would be the attending doctor tonight.

  “Lia!” I grabbed her elbow before she could head into the X-ray room. “You okay?” Collin’s sister’s eyes were red and wet, her lip curled like that of an evil warrior as she stared at Dr. Johanna, who was retreating toward the ER. I squeezed her upper arm and urged her inside the room before closing the door. It was part of my silent promise to be there for both Chloe and Lia.

  She wiped her wet cheeks and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just worried is all. And that doctor…”

  I cringed. “Yeah, Dr. Johanna can be a tad bit over the top sometimes.” And that was putting it mildly.

  Hands shaking, Lia brought them to her mouth and nodded, glancing only briefly at me before focusing on Chloe.