A Desperate Longing

by Brenda Williamson

  “I’m not exactly the world.” He smoothed over her hair. “However, I hope you’ll keep me in line by keeping the shade down.”

  “Maybe I don’t care if you watch.” She took a cautious look into his brown eyes.

  It didn’t appear he minded her bold comment at all.

  “Are you ready to see the stars?” she asked.

  “I already see them.” He smiled, placing his forehead against hers. “And they’re beautiful.”

  Everything a girl dreamed of in a man stood holding her. Only she felt herself withdrawing. She didn’t want to take a perfectly decent guy and ruin his life by making him tend to her dementia. She felt safe with him, and yet all it took were words to push her into that other world, the one in which she doubted she’d ever fully trust anyone.

  “Gulliver, don’t involve yourself with me.” She blinked and tears dropped. “I’m going crazy very slowly and I don’t want to take anyone with me.”

  “What if I don’t let you go?” He brushed the tears from her cheeks. “What if it’s too late, what if I like crazy? Though I still contend you’re not, never were, and never will be.”

  Kacy wanted to push him away. She could save him and she knew how. She would, too, if she hadn’t hurled headlong into the trap of love. Who’d believe it really did happen at first sight?

  Gulliver wanted to protect her from everything, including herself, and she clung to the idea.

  “Then I’d say you’re crazy.” She hiccupped a laugh and brushed her lips over his. “Come look at the skylight and the real stars.”

  “Kacy?” His fingers threaded between hers as she tugged him toward the bed.

  “Yes?”

  “I have something I have to tell you.” He kissed her knuckles.

  “Oh?”

  He scooped her up in his arms and she squeaked in surprise.

  “Sorry, I forgot to warn you I was going to touch you.”

  “I don’t want you to warn me ever again.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him firmly. “Now what was it you wanted to tell me?”

  “The best view has to be lying down.”

  She giggled as he tossed her on the bed. He glanced at the skylight and then her. She held her hand up, wiggling her fingers for him to take them.

  “View is better from down here.” Her voice lowered and she marveled at how seductive her tone could become with little effort. It worked, and he dropped down next to her.

  “Hey, I like this.” He pulled her close.

  “Me too.” She shifted on her side and snuggled tighter, never turning her gaze away from his features.

  Gulliver kissed the corner of her mouth. “I was talking about the view up there.” He pointed.

  She heaved a heavy sign of resignation and flopped over on her back to look.

  Brightly lit by both the moon and the stars, the sky floated like a picture on the ceiling. If she ignored the framed opening, she could imagine the room didn’t exist.

  “I use to go camping with my parents.” Kacy searched for his hand on the bed next to her. “I loved being outside at night and I miss it.”

  “Night comes every twenty-four hours, what’s too miss?”

  “Not being there when things go ‘bump’. I don’t go outside after dark.”

  Gulliver sat up and swung his legs off the bed. “Come on.” He took her hand and tugged her off the bed.

  “Where are we going?” She watched him take a pillow and the comforter from the bed. “Gulliver, what are you doing?”

  “Trust me.” He towed her along behind him.

  “I do,” she whispered, and followed as he took her to the kitchen door. “We’re not—?”

  “We are.” He led her to the middle of the backyard and spread the thick comforter on the grass. “Here we go. Better than the skylight, isn’t it?”

  He sat and took his shoes off.

  Kacy stood, apprehensive about being outside at night. Gulliver and intimacy took a backseat to her worries when she stared into the darkness surrounding them. Could someone see them?

  “Kacy?”

  She forced herself to look at Gulliver.

  “I recall a short while back a woman wanting spontaneity. Is this a stupid idea?”

  She shook her head. Wanting it didn’t mean she could handle it.

  “I won’t let anything happen to you.” He drew his pant leg up, showing her the gun.

  She smiled timidly and sat alongside him.

  “It’s supposed to rain.” She plucked her shoes off and tossed them near his.

  “Will you melt or shrink?” He fixed the pillow to the one side and lay down.

  “No.”

  “Then come down here with me.” He patted his chest and she laid her head on him.

  “This can’t be very comfortable for you.”

  “No? You’d be surprised at how much I like this.” He pulled the other half of the comforter over them. “Now watch the sky and if we’re lucky, we’ll see a shooting star to wish on.”

  “I wouldn’t suggest holding your breath.” She sighed. “I never have good luck.”

  As for wishes, she’d had one granted already—lying in Gulliver’s arms. It made her not want to be greedy and ask for more.

  Gulliver kissed the top of her head. “Have faith,” he whispered.

  Kacy didn’t say much as her brain picked through the conversations they’d had, replaying all the nice things he’d said. Five, ten, fifteen minutes went by without a word from Gulliver and she wondered how long they’d stay outside.

  “Oh look,” she gasped as a shooting star made a liar out of her.

  When Gulliver didn’t say anything, she turned her head and smiled. Adorably peaceful, he slept. She traced his lips and schemed of ways to wake him. She leaned close and brushed his firm mouth delicately with hers. His sleepy sigh excited her.

  Taken by surprise, she didn’t fight the restraint of his hand behind her head. His kiss held her spellbound for a long time. The deep passion curled her toes as his tongue stroked hers. She pulled his hand from her waist up to her breast.

  “Patience,” he whispered.

  “I haven’t any.”

  Gulliver read all the signals and his touch began a steady trek downward. Across her belly, over the front of her denims and right to the sensitive hub of her crotch, he rubbed. He applied pressure with his steady pushes to and fro, and Kacy moaned with delight as tears came to her eyes.

  Greedily, she kept kissing him, hoping he’d not stop. His arm tightened around her. In his fervor, his lips traveled her cheeks and her eyelids and she reveled in his physical attention.

  He tugged on her denims and the snap popped open. An exhilarating warmth spread over her entire body. Then he slid her zipper down. She tilted her head and watched his hand ease the waistband over her hip. Shifting to make it possible, she closed her eyes and concentrated on not giggling with excitement. A draft of air rushed inside the heated front of her panties and the laugh bubbled up and out of her.

  “I like blue.” He slid his fingers between her legs.

  “Okay,” she replied, not understanding why he brought up the subject of colors.

  “Your panties and bra.” His stroke touched the silk against her clit, and his mouth claimed hers.

  “Hmmm.” She bit his bottom lip.

  The kissing became secondary to his hand dipping inside her panties. Her insides clenched faster, releasing a warm fluid he massaged between the folds of her sex. A remarkable, startling flame ran over her flesh and her heart pounded like a wild drum beat.

  She slung her head from side to side. Her gasps grew loud and intense.

  “You were worried you wouldn’t like to be touched like this, weren’t you?”

  “Yes…oh God, yes,” she moaned.

  She quivered and burned with his hard, passionate body nudging her breasts while he fingered and kissed her.

  He dipped his middle finger into her wet channel and the muscles twitched v
iolently on his knuckle. She couldn’t tell if he had one finger or more in her. He stirred the juices and wiggled the tip of his finger to a spot where she lost total control of her limbs. Snatching at the covers and Gulliver, Kacy writhed within his embrace.

  “Gulliver,” she panted.

  He pumped her insides with alternate pauses to flick his thumb over her clit.

  “Gulliver, please.” She couldn’t stop shuddering.

  She arched up to his plunges. Sore and soaked, she reveled in the final sensations as tears fell from her eyes. She tore her lips from his and pressed her face to the heated flesh beneath his jaw. Closing her thighs, she held his hand trapped. His thrusts were shorter, but his thumb persisted, throwing her into a wild frenzy.

  “Just relax,” he whispered.

  When her convulsing body jerked once more, he rubbed lighter, drawing her orgasm into relief. She lay still, panting and gasping for air.

  Her concentration went toward breathing and nothing else. She closed her eyes and inhaled the scent of his skin. Absorbing his affection, Kacy closed her eyes and rested.

  “Are you all right?”

  His concern touched her. Kacy nuzzled her face to his.

  “Yes.” She hadn’t been this right in a long, long time.

  The minutes ticked by and eventually, she discovered Gulliver had fallen back asleep. An absolutely enchanting expression of happiness covered his face. She laid her head back down, careful not to disturb him. Her movements still made him stir. She shifted over as he tried to turn in his sleep, not away from her, just an adjustment against her back with his arm snuggling her.

  She felt sure she’d not get any sleep being outside. However, magically, morning greeted her when she opened her eyes. Not one dream or nightmare had disrupted her slumber throughout the night. She lay embraced in Gulliver’s arms with her back to him.

  “Kacy?” He spoke first. “I have to go to work,” he whispered, kissing the side of her head. “Don’t want to go, but I have to.”

  She rubbed his arm around her middle. “I understand. Do you have time for breakfast?”

  “I did an hour ago. Now I have time for a shower and coffee on the go.”

  “You could have woken me.” She twisted under his arm to lie on her back.

  “I didn’t want to scare you.” He stroked the side of her face.

  “You can’t control it every time.”

  “I can try.” His hand slid to her panties. “I had a nice time last night.”

  She didn’t dare speak while his hand remained on the most aware part of her. It lingered for a second and then he zipped her pants.

  Kacy pushed the comforter aside and sat up. She didn’t exactly have a feeling he didn’t want to touch her, but since she didn’t know a lot about men, she couldn’t be sure.

  “I’ll go make you some coffee.”

  “All right. I’ll just go home and get a shower and be back in about fifteen minutes.” He pushed her hair back over her ear.

  She shivered, not wanting to remember how her kidnapper did the very same thing. She missed the warmth of Gulliver’s arms around her and she needed that to dispel the lingering terror. Feeling childish, she wrapped her arms around him, and he returned her hug with his own.

  “I will be back,” he assured her.

  “I know. I just…I just wanted to say thank you for such a nice evening and a very good night’s sleep. I usually have nightmares and last night was the first time I didn’t have one.”

  “Does that mean you might want me to be your sleepover guard every night?” He got up and, supporting her under her arms, brought her with him. “I could be Captain Nightmare Extinguisher.”

  “I don’t appreciate you making fun of my problem.” She shrugged off his hand on her.

  Gulliver grabbed both her arms and pulled her to him. It surprised her enough to struggle, but he didn’t let go.

  “Kacy, I can feel the fear trying to steal you from me,” he murmured into her hair. “Fight it, honey. You have to trust I won’t ever hurt you.”

  The adrenaline rushed through her limbs so she couldn’t stay still. He had triggered the panic attack and she couldn’t control it.

  “Easy, Kacy. Let the fear go,” he hummed against her head. “You’re safe.”

  His voice, like the elevator music, calmed her. She grasped the back of his shirt and his arms loosened.

  “That’s it,” he said and rubbed up and down her spine. “That’s my girl.”

  Kacy broke free immediately and swung her fists at him. One balled-up hand crashed into his nose before he caught hold of her wrists. Her mind worked itself into a confused fit of anxiety. Her attacker had made his way into her home. She wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt her. No—she wanted him dead. Her nightmare took on a realness she couldn’t fight.

  Gulliver tackled her to the blanket and pinned her arms above her head. She couldn’t breathe—the air stuck below the knot in her throat.

  She had let her guard down, and now she was going to die.

  Chapter Eight

  “Kacy, look at me.” Gulliver demanded. “Look at me and breathe, dammit.”

  She thrashed, unable to comprehend anything beyond needing to get away.

  “I won’t let you hurt me again,” she cried.

  “Kacy look at me please. It’s Gulliver,” he said calmly. “Kacy I’ll call your sister for you. I’ll call Ginny.”

  She froze. Her sister’s name coming from her demon acted as a sedative.

  “No, please no, don’t bother Ginny.” She squeezed her eyes tight. “I won’t resist anymore, please don’t hurt my sister.”

  Gulliver let go and sat up. “Kacy, I won’t hurt you or your sister.”

  She opened her eyes and everything appeared fuzzy. She was so out of breath, she couldn’t inhale or exhale fast enough.

  “Tell me what I did to set you off.” He held a hand over her arm and withdrew it.

  Gasping for air, she tried to separate herself from the hysteria. Hyperventilation seized her vocal cords.

  “Gulliver!” she wheezed, and grabbed the front of his shirt.

  “Relax and breathe Kacy, just relax and breathe.”

  His arms wrapped around her and held gently. It soothed her frayed nerves for him to rock her back and forth.

  “Relax and think of something good.”

  The serene tone of his voice echoed inside her soul as his hand made circling motions between her shoulder blades. Her heart continued its erratic thumping even though she rested against Gulliver without an ounce of fight left. She didn’t ever want to let go of him. At the same time, she fought the insanity. He knew the words her attacker spoke.

  “Tell me what I said that started this round.” His fingers combed her hair back and he kissed her forehead.

  “That’s my girl,” she whispered.

  “I wasn’t trying to be possessive.”

  “No, the man that… I can’t talk about it, Gulliver. Please don’t make me.”

  “I’m not going to make you do anything. I just want to understand what happened to you so I don’t make you think for a second you have to be afraid of me.”

  “It’s not that I don’t want you to know, I just can’t describe it again,” she cried.

  The way he never backed away from her breakdowns hit her hard. His personality was profoundly unique. Most people she met didn’t want to be around her after a bout of hysteria. Gulliver took control of her panic attack as if her sickness were only a mild case of the flu. She didn’t want him to be a crutch to her dementia. But she also didn’t want to let go of the one good thing that came from it.

  For a multitude of reasons, she continued to cry until nothing except hiccups came out. For a while, Gulliver didn’t say anything. He stroked her within his embrace and waited until she didn’t rattle so hard.

  “How about I ask a few questions not requiring more than a yes or no? I’ll even accept a shake or nod of the head.”

 
; “I can try.”

  “Hard one first and it’ll be out of the way, okay?”

  She nodded, already knowing what he’d ask.

  “Did he rape you?”

  “No.”

  “Did he hit you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did he molest you by touching you in…?”

  Her involuntary tremors seemed to be enough of an answer for him.

  “Never mind.” He kissed her head and didn’t ask any more questions.

  A long time passed before she remembered he had to go to work. She had sat selfishly soaking up the warm affection in silence and forgot to consider that he had a life.

  “I’ll go make coffee.” She tried to get up but he held onto her.

  “I can be late.”

  “I don’t want you to be late.” She lifted her head and cupped his cheek. “Don’t make me feel guilty for more than…than what happened. I’ll be all right.” She brushed her cheek against his unshaven face and loved every sensation that prickled her skin.

  “Kacy I can…”

  “No.” She put her finger over his lips. “I need time to myself, to regroup. Believe me when I say I bounce back quickly. Crazy people do that, you know. We can be as flaky as a pie crust one minute and then right as rain on a warm summer day the next.”

  “I see that.” He stroked her cheek with the back of his knuckles. “You’re an amazing woman and I can see you healing yourself. Every incident you have, you know how to recover. That’s a sane person, Kacy, not a crazy one.”

  “Enough about my head problems. Tell me you intend to come to dinner here, with me, as planned.”

  “I’ll be here. You still owe me that home-cooked meal.” He got up and pulled her to her feet. “Are you sure I should go? I can take the day off.”

  “Go to work. We’ve known each other less than twenty-four hours and I don’t want to inundate you with all my phobias all at once.” She pushed him away. “Go on and I’ll go get that quick cup of coffee for you to take along.”

  Kacy gathered the comforter and pillow after Gulliver left. She folded the grass-stained side over her arm. She’d take it to the drycleaner. That would be later, after Gulliver went to work and she went out to handle other errands. For now, she would appreciate the fact her life had taken a severely sharp turn, and for once, it was a good one. Gulliver knew more details of her attack and still looked at her as if it never occurred.