by Nicole Thorn
Goddammit. So there wasn’t a sane fucking person in that house. “Does he hit you too?”
Bennett shook his head. “No, he doesn’t do that. He mostly takes care of Mom when she gets sad. He’s gotten her to leave me alone a few times.”
Well, whoopdie-fucking-do. So, his dad didn’t hit him, but he allowed his wife to beat the hell out of his son whenever she fancied. This had been happening for years too. He was probably… oh, God… Benny had probably been a little boy getting beaten by this woman.
What could I do here? If I couldn’t convince him to report his mother, should I do it? It was my word against hers, and Bennett might lie for her. Then he would hate me for betraying him, and it might not even get him help. So maybe I could pick this apart from the inside. If I could wear him down, then there was a chance. I dreaded the idea of him going back to that house with her. Being afraid to be home. I knew what fear was, and I knew how it settled in your eyes. It was in his, and now it was back in mine.
“Does she do this a lot?” I asked.
His answer came out sluggishly. “It’s different. She has bad weeks, and good months.”
I didn’t know how I felt about that answer. “Bennett.” I sighed. “Why are you living like this? You shouldn’t be there.”
He tensed again, and he took his hands back. “It’s my family there. I don’t want to mess anything up. And it’s not like I have the money to get my own place.”
I said, “Maybe you can. We can figure something out. You can stay here until you can afford a place, or maybe we can try and get a place together. It would be a lot cheaper with more people. Riley and Wilson might come.”
Yeah, that sounded like a good plan. I could keep Bennett safe if I lived with him. I could keep his mother and father away, and I would have him always. We were still too messed up to be together, but he would be close to me, and that was almost as good. How hard could it be? We take some hours at the shop and make some cash. Four people living together would be cake.
God, looking at him now, so much made sense. Why he couldn’t quite look anyone in the eye, why he didn’t like himself, why he was so damn kind. Because he was beaten down in his life and he didn’t know anything else. He was soft and sweet, and he thought nothing of himself. He deserved to realize how wonderful he was. How beautiful it was that he looked at the world like he did. That he could see fireworks like they were magic. I wanted to fix him, heal him, undo this damage.
Too bad it didn’t work like that.
“I don’t know,” he said.
Okay, new plan. I cleared my throat. “You’re twenty-one, Ben. Maybe you should think about moving out on your own. How long did you really plan on living with your parents?”
He blinked at the sudden turn of my tone. “I guess I never really thought about it.” His fingers ran through his hair. “I need to actually make money.”
“How about you let me talk to Wilson and Riley? See if I can get you something there. He pays more than minimum wage, and he’s a great boss.”
I watched Bennett think it through, and he seemed too weak to disagree. “Sure, I guess.”
I smiled. “Great. I’ll call them later.”
I was going to fix this, one way or another. If I couldn’t make him fight for himself, I was willing to do it. I would get him to somewhere safe, and he would see one day how wrong this was. He would get older, and he would understand this nightmare he walked through, and he’d see how brave he was right now. I’d be there for that.
We sat in silence as I tried to come up with my plan, but Bennett had other ideas it would seem. “Layla,” he started, voice sounding unsure. “Can we talk about last night?”
I purposely didn’t look at him. “What about it?”
The silent beat made me feel like that came out wrong. “We had sex. Like… with each other.”
I smiled to myself. “We did.”
“Did you, did you not like it? Is that why you won’t look at me?”
I looked at him immediately because I couldn’t allow him to believe something so painfully untrue. “Bennett,” I said, smiling. “Last night was the most amazing thing I’ve felt since I got out of The Dollhouse. Everything about it was perfect, so please don’t think I didn’t enjoy every second of it.”
He smiled back, and I was glad to bring him a little joy. “I… I really liked it. I liked feeling close to you, and I really like you.”
My heart thudded painfully. “I like you too, Benny.”
“So,” he said carefully. “What does this mean for us?”
Oh, I didn’t want to have this conversation. Mostly because I wanted it to end with us naked again. Preferably with me on top of him, because that seemed like it would be lots of fun for the both of us. Sadly, today wouldn’t end like that. I knew now better than ever that he wasn’t ready for this. He thought his mother was a good person, so I couldn’t trust what he felt for me.
“I think,” I said before I stopped to sigh. “I think that maybe we shouldn’t do that again.”
I watched his expression turn pained, and I wanted to say I was sorry and then pounce him. I didn’t do that, but I took his hand. “Why? Do you not like me like that?”
“No,” I said. “I very much like you like that. I thought that the sex kind of made that clear.”
He shrugged it off. “I thought you felt bad for me.”
Jesus, he had no sense of self-worth. “I feel awful for the situation you’re in, but that wasn’t pity sex. It was I-want-to-be-with-this-boy-because-I-like-him sex. I have feelings for you.”
His smile came back, bigger. “I have feelings for you too.”
Oh, thank God. Wow, I was a dummy. I was scared of the same thing he was, but I almost scolded him for his fear. I guess we were both messed up.
“But,” I whispered, rubbing his hand, “you have a lot going on, and so do I. Do you really think we’re in the right mindset to be trying a relationship? Neither of us know what we’re doing. One of us needs to be the stable one.”
The words felt like poison coming out of my mouth, but they needed to be said. This was what was best for the both of us. Maybe in a few years when we were a little less fucked up, we could try. But not now.
My chest hurt again at the idea of not getting to keep him. I very much wanted to. I loved everything about him, and I found myself missing him so much when he wasn’t around. Was that normal? It felt so different from the way I missed my sisters. This hurt more, and now that pain would only get worse since I knew how awful it was for him at home. At any moment, he could be getting beaten, and I couldn’t stop it.
It would end. I had to remind myself that it would end soon. I wouldn’t let that woman get away with hurting her child. I knew so well what it felt like to be held down and beaten until you were little more than blood and bones. How many days had I spent in the Clean room or the Bad Girl room, getting better from an injury? I couldn’t even count. I lost track years ago. Cuts, bruises, God knows what else. I’d had it all in that bunker. My abuser was dead and rotting in the ground, but Bennett’s walked free, going about her life like it was nothing, thinking being sad was a free pass to hurt people. Hurt people hurt people. I knew the phrase, and it was bullshit. Everything in this life was a choice, and it was never right to hurt the ones that loved you. Not for any reason.
I didn’t like the look on his face right now. Not that I was a big fan of the others he had today, but this was sad. I didn’t want him to agree. I wanted him to convince me I was wrong and make me not feel bad for wanting him. I wanted this to work out, and I wanted Bennett. I just wanted Bennett.
“Oh,” Bennett finally said, as heartbroken as I was. “I guess… I guess that makes some sense. But…” He forced out a smile. “You thought it was good?”
I laughed and nodded. “Very good, Ben. You were very good, and very…” I trailed off, waggling my eyebrows. I didn’t know how to say that his size was a pleasant surprise. Not that I’d seen a lot of junk
in my time, but his was impressive. Mmm. Dammit. No sexy thoughts, Layla. No pouncing on or having your way with the broken boy. As good as it would feel to ride the hell out of him…
“So good…” I whimpered.
We were silent again then Bennett said, “Should I go home now? Do you want to be alone?”
I grabbed his hand as if he were already trying to leave. The last place I wanted him was at his house. And I wanted him by my side anyway. If I couldn’t have him in the way I wanted, I would have him in the way I needed.
“Stay, please,” I asked. “I want you to stay.”
He smiled. “I can stay.”
hey probably knew. They had to, right? I was all twitchy and stuff. A real oddball. I had it all over my face. I was all smiley and sad at the same time. How could I be so happy and so sad at the same time? The grief I felt for Bennett was almost overwhelming. Then it was undercut with happy little thoughts of the night we spent together. It meant so much to me, and I didn’t think he knew that. I didn’t want him thinking that I did it on a whim or to make him feel better. I did it because I wanted to be with him. Simple as that.
I’d gone an entire day without seeing Bennett now, and I felt every moment of it. It was only the afternoon, and we spent yesterday together. So I guess it wasn’t a day. More like twelve hours. A long twelve hours in which I had plenty of time to miss him in my bed. Holding me or sitting beside me. I didn’t care. I wanted that dip from his weight in the mattress. Everything felt lonelier when he wasn’t around, and I couldn’t understand. I’d only ever needed my sisters before, and now I needed him. What was happening to me?
Oh, I may know the answer. It was a really, really dangerous one, and I should have looked away from the bright flashing light in my mind, illuminating the obvious.
The girls were on the couch, eating ice cream like everything was peachy. They had no clue what was happening to the boy I was crazy about. I couldn’t tell them either. He trusted me. I had to be careful or this whole thing would get worse. What if Bennett’s mom thought that she would be in trouble, so she picked up and took him? I couldn’t let that happen.
Riley was telling Adalyn about some book she was reading, but I didn’t even feel like I was in the room with them. Everything felt like it was tilted wrong. I couldn’t hold on to anything that would keep me balanced. My legs tucked up to my chest as I picked at my ice cream, and the world turned, making me dizzy.
“I had sex with Bennett,” I spat out, cutting Riley off and not even registering that I’d spoken until Adalyn’s mouth dropped open.
Oh, so, there it was…
“What?” Riley said, blinking.
I nodded, setting my bowl down. “Yup. We totally had sex. And it was pretty awesome…”
Riley ran her fingers through her cropped hair, and she took a breath before nodding. “Okay, so you and Bennett are dating. That’s great.”
That felt like an ice pick to the chest. “No… We’re not dating. We … It was just once.”
Adalyn frowned, and her nose twitched. “I can’t imagine Bennett being the kind to sleep with someone and move on. Has he been with a lot of girls?”
“Just me,” I whispered.
Oh, no. Bennett had only been with me, and that probably wasn’t all that great for either of us. I didn’t get people who say sex was just sex. It wasn’t, and it was sad to think it might be for some people. My favorite part of that night wasn’t getting off. Though that was amazing, and I’d never be able to touch myself and feel satisfied again. But my favorite part was when Bennett stared me in the eyes, looking at me with all the affection in the world. It was close and more intimate than the sex ever could have been.
And now, we shared this thing. We were each other’s firsts, and that would never ever change. I didn’t want it to. The idea of that face made me smile like all the freaking time, and I wanted Bennett to be my one and only. But that was stupid stuff young people did. It wasn’t realistic to think I’d be with the same boy I lost my virginity to. To think we’d get married and make babies one day. That was more Riley’s thing. Wilson was obsessed with her, but she’d never be his first. Maybe that was better for them. He knew what else was out there and he knew he had what he wanted. There was so much better out there for him. He could have more than me, and he deserved it.
Riley let out another sigh and poked at her melting ice cream with the spoon in her hands. “Well…” She stopped and smiled. “Was it good?”
“Riley,” Adalyn admonished, then she looked sharply at me. “Was it?”
I laughed until I snorted, and I said, “Very good. He’s… working with a lot.”
I guess I didn’t really know if it was a lot. It seemed like a lot. Hurt like hell even with how careful he was. I’d still do it a million times over again.
Riley looked happy as she patted my knee. “That’s great. But I don’t understand why you’re not together now.”
God, she was sweet. With Wilson, he didn’t want to be with her because he didn’t think she was ready. He almost wouldn’t even touch her. Then she pretty much forced herself on him, and the big teddy bear gave in. For her, sex meant he was keeping her forever. I didn’t get to have that.
“We like each other,” I said. Really… really like each other. “But I don’t think that it would be a good idea.” I couldn’t tell them why for him because he trusted me. So I had to lie again, and the words felt like poison. “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. Not yet.”
Adalyn shrugged. “Then maybe he’ll wait till you are. He seems really nice.”
The way she said that sounded odd. Not for her but for normal people. It was odd that he was nice because to her, people weren’t nice. They hurt you and locked you away. For us, they did. Well… one person did, and that was enough for her.
“I don’t want him to have to wait around,” I told her.
Riley made a dubious looking expression. “I don’t think he’s the type to mind waiting. I guess you know him a lot better than us, but Bennett seems…” She looked to Adalyn for help.
“Crazy about you,” our sister finished with a smile. “He’s probably losing his mind right now, thinking about… that…” She frowned and blushed. “Thing you did.”
“Fucking,” I said with a grin.
She turned a deeper shade of red. Ah, so easy to make her embarrassed. I loved her very much.
Riley waved her hands in the air, trying to get my attention back. “Umm, okay, so you’re crazy.”
“Hey!”
She smiled. “It’s fine to be crazy as long as you’re not hurting other people with it. How does Bennett feel with the choice that is being made for him? ‘Cause let me tell you, it’s not fun to have someone trying to help by treating you like you’re glass.”
I knew it wasn’t fair, what I was doing. I didn’t need to be told I was a bitch. The thing was that this was best for Bennett, and he was my top priority. It may hurt him now, but he’d be happy later when he found a girl he liked for more than the fact that she kept him company. He would be in his right mind one day, and I didn’t want to be knee deep in love with him when he realized I wasn’t really what he wanted.
“I want what’s best for him,” I said honestly. “I think that if we tried dating now, we would both be off.”
Adalyn’s gaze dropped, and I watched her think. “Why are you saying he’s off? I thought it was you who said you weren’t ready.”
Damn! My mouth hung open as I tried to come up with a good lie that she would believe. “Well… he doesn’t like himself very much. He’s insecure.”
“Yeah,” Riley said, drawing out the word, and narrowing her eyes. “But I bet that having you around is already fixing that.”
I couldn’t make her understand without spilling the beans. Too much would be at risk, so I kept my mouth shut and the truth in my head. “I don’t think it would work,” I said. I reached for my ice cream and began eating it again because I hoped this would be t
he end of it.
My chest shivered as I scooped sad bites into my mouth, hardly tasting it at all. Every mouthful was sour, and my eyes fixed on the lump that was my feet under the blanket I had. I wanted to get up and go see Bennett. I wanted to kiss him and hug him and tell him that he meant the world to me. But I didn’t do that. I stayed on the couch, pouting in a pile of my own misery and self-pity.
Bennett had been quiet today, and I hated it. It made me feel like maybe he regretted what we did. That thought made my eyes sting. I wanted to run to my bedroom and hide in my closet, sitting in the darkness until I could breathe again. Oh, God, what if he regretted it right now? What if he told me so next time we spoke? Or if I called him, would he laugh at me and think I was a pathetic, clingy loser?
No, no, no. This is insane. Bennett is the sweetest boy in the world. That’s why I wanted to be with him then and why I want to be with him now. He was wonderful, and he wouldn’t hurt me.
But what if he hurt me?
What if I ruined him? What if there was something so wrong with me that he couldn’t stand being nice to me anymore? My awfulness made him hate me, I knew it. He wasn’t talking to me because he hated me. I messed everything up, and I should go away and never come back.
Nausea settled into my stomach as I raked my fingers through my hair. My head tilted, and even blinking made my stomach uneasy. What the hell was this? Why did I feel like I was dying?
“Layla?” Riley asked. I hadn’t noticed her hand on my knee until she shook me and said my name again. “Are you okay?”
I didn’t know how good a liar I was until my body entirely took over, not letting me choose what I did or say. I grinned wide, and it made me feel sick. “Yeah, just thinking about Bennett’s butt. Very nice.”
Riley smirked and crossed her legs as she sat forward. “You haven’t seen Wilson’s butt…”
I snorted. “It wouldn’t beat out Bennett. He’s fucking perfect.”
“So is Wilson.”
Oh, no, now I was thinking about sex with Bennett again. How could something feel that amazing? It made my head all dizzy when I thought about it. And I did think about it. A lot. Like… every second of every minute of every hour. God, I wanted to do it again.
