Find your own truth s-3

by Robert N. Charrette

  Sam knew what he wanted to do with the magic, but Howling Coyote hadn't really told him much about how the Dance worked. "Not really."

  Dog sniffed at the grass at his side. "Magic, the world, and life stick together tighter than a burr in fur," he said finally. "The Dance is part of those connections, and all of them. You can't have one without the other. You sure you want to do this thing?" "No."

  "Good answer. We sure are being honest today." Dog barked a laugh. "But want to or not, you still gotta." "Why?"

  "Thought you learned to believe in me." "I have."

  "That's why you gotta. I to Dog and you're Dog, man." Dog placed a paw on Sam's leg and stared him hi the eye. "Dog is friend to Man, a guardian totem to protect him from evil. I don't see the web-spinner as being real healthy for man, do you?" " "No."

  "See, I knew you were a bright boy even before the first time I laid eyes on you."

  Something hi Dog's tone made Sam suddenly suspicious. "Which was?"

  "None of your business. I tell you everything and I lose my mystery. What good's a totem without mystery, huh?" Dog backed away from Sam, then shifted his feet in a most uncanine fashion. The plunging side step with his left forepaw looked particularly difficult for his canine anatomy. "You want to try this step, or not?"

  If this was the Great Ghost Dance, he did. Sam stood and tried the step. The air around him deadened, as if thunder were being held in abeyance. He felt a phantom power coiling around the steps as he took them. Even the practice dance reverberated with the strength of the magic.

  Dog showed him the steps and taught him the song. Sam was acutely aware of the danger of getting the ritual wrong. He tried very hard to memorize the moves and tones exactly. At last, Dog sat and looked at him. The totem's eyes were sad. "You know that what you want is dangerous." So what else was new? "I figured as much." "You willing to pay the price?" Sam nodded. "If it will do what I need it to do." Dog shook his head slowly. "What makes you think your need is what drives the magic, or what will make it work for you?"

  "Didn't you say that I need to protect mankind?" "Man has the need to be protected. You have a desire, but is it the right one? Only you can know. But it had better be. The power you're toying with doesn't like being fooled. If you're not pure enough, it will toast you. And you're only touching the tip of the magic."

  "Just what is this purity?" Dog started trotting down the road. "You'll know." "How? When I find out I don't have it and get roasted?"

  "Maybe." Dog stopped and looked back at him. "What do you want? There ain't no sureties in magic. It's just like life that way. You do your best and hope for the best. If you are in tune with your nature the power will flow, and all will be as it should. If not… well, let's just say you won't have to worry much in that case."

  "That's not very encouraging." "Like maybe I should scratch you behind the ears, give you a yummy, and lie to you?"

  Dog turned away and began to run. This session was over. Sam turned his back on the otherworld and found himself in the tunnel. Howling Coyote still sat there, waiting and smoking. "How did it go?"

  "I can feel the magic." As Sam said it, he knew it was true. "I know I can do it, but I don't know how to deal with the mundane threat."

  Howling Coyote frowned, but something seemed to hide behind his expression. "The magic won't do it?" "Only its part."

  The hidden smile appeared. "You have learned. Now all ya got to do is use your brain." "What do you mean?"

  The smoking pipe vanished with a flick of the shaman's wrist. "Line up your dancers."

  "You're being as obscure as Dog. Doesn't anybody associated with magic ever speak plainly?"

  The shaman laughed. "Not if they can avoid it. Keeps the riffrafl7 out of the trade."

  "So what are you suggesting I do?" "You're Dog, aren't you?" Howling Coyote asked, suddenly serious. "Summon your pack."

  At first she thought it was another dream, but her surroundings hadn't changed. She was still in the basement of the abandoned house Ghost had chosen for them. The only thing out of place was the ghostly image of her brother, standing nearby and pressing on the protective circle she had made. Since she wasn't dreaming, he was really there or rather, his astral projection was. He looked worried.

  She sat up and reached out to tug on the magic surrounding her, adjusting the ward to let him enter the circle. He drifted in to stand at her bedside.

  "So, you're not dead," she said, reminding him that he'd left her hanging.

  "No. I only came close a few times." "So you ran into a few problems." She dismissed his comment with a wave of her hand, not wanting him to know she'd been worried. "Was that any reason not to call?"

  "You sound like Mother."

  The past was haunting her enough in her dreams. She didn't need him bringing old memories into her waking life. The dreams were full of tragedies enough. "Yeah, well. But you can't say I look like her anymore."

  He looked abashed, as though realizing how his offhanded comment had hurt her. Let him be embar 226

  Robert N. Charrette rassed; she didn't want bis or anyone's pity. "I suppose you've been busy working on that." "Yes, but…"

  "But it's hopeless," she finished for him. She had known it would be. His quest to Denver had just been time wasted. She was what she was; there was no way to change it.

  "That's not what I was going to say." He sounded annoyed. "I don't think it's hopeless, but it's not going to be soon."

  So he wanted her to continue trying to ignore the hunger. Didn't he know how hard that was? "What do you mink I am? A saint?" "No, I know you're just human." She laughed bitterly at that. "No matter what you look like, you're still human. That's why you're still trying to beat the wendigo nature. You know what being a wendigo means, and you know it's wrong."

  So what if she did? She was a wendigo now. The wendigo nature was her nature, even if she hadn't yet surrendered to her craving. "Who says I even want to change now?"

  "You do. You shout it every day you live without killing and eating anyone." "What about the dzoo? Doesn't it count?" He looked sad. "God forgives the repentant." "He tasted good." She said it to annoy him, but it was also the truth. The dzoo had tasted good, much better than the stuff Ghost brought her. She turned away, shivering. Whether the memory-borne chill was one of delight or horror, she wasn't sure. He noticed her reaction.

  "See. You're not resigned to the inevitable. That means you still have hope, and that will be your salvation." He moved around in front of her. "I know about the food Ghost had been hunting for you. I've already talked with him. You'll only have to put up with it a while longer."

  "Yeah, well. Maybe I will and maybe I won't. You telling me that you're ready to try again?"

  He hesitated. "Well, I was hoping to, but something has come up. Something very important." In a jumbled rush, he told her about Spider and what he had learned of her plans. After sketching a bare outline of the facts, he took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry, Janice. I hope you'll understand that this is more important than any one person."

  Something was always more important. "So much for your claims of love.''

  "I know how it must sound. I wish there were another way, but I don't see one. There just isn't time to take care of you first. There's too much at stake."

  "Yeah, right. Who cares about one soul when the world's in danger?"

  "That's not fair. Or true, either. It's just the despair of the wendigo talking. If you don't want to accept that an obligation to mankind is involved, look to your totem. Wolf is a pack animal. What's a pack but an extended family, and a family has to take care of its own. I have to do this thing. You're part of the family, too."

  His indignation made her mad. She growled. "So take care of your own. You're the one who insists that we're still family."

  "And we are femily," he said firmly. "But we're part of a bigger family," he went on, more softly now. "I can't let the whole family die so that one member can live."

  The good of the ma
ny. How often had she heard that? Well, she didn't want to hear it. The many hadn't given a thought to her, and she intended to return the favor. She wanted to worry about herself. Waving her arm in dismissal, she said, "So go ahead and do what you want to do. You don't need my permission. I might even be here when you're done."

  He refused to go. "It's not what I want to do; it's what I need to do, what has to be done. And it's not your permission I want, but your help." He said more, pointing out the awful consequences of Spider's plot. From what Sam was telling her, the results might be almost as bad if other unspecified but ambitious parties were able to gain what Spider sought.

  Surprising herself, she listened.

  Awaken.

  Aleph's nudge brought her to instant awareness: she had a visitor. Her ally spirit's astral watch made a perfect complement to the electronic security measures incorporated into the townhouse walls. She readied a spell but, before she could shift perceptions, the ghostly image of Sam materialized outside the second-story window of the bedroom. Then it walked through wall, sill, and transparex to stand grinning at her. Obviously, he had gotten the note telling him where to contact her.

  She smiled back. "Nice to see you, lover. It's been a long time."

  "Worried, dear Hart?"

  "Me? I never worry. But I'm really glad to see you survived. And strong enough to do a distance projection. Been practicing, have we? Wish we could touch."

  He mimed a hug. "Best I can do. Magic doesn't make all wishes come true."

  "Only in fantasy. Speaking of which, I Ve had a few good ones recently. How about you?"

  "I fear my dreams have been all business."

  "Comes with the trade, oh mighty shaman. How's the hunt going?"

  His expression darkened, clouded by a complex of emotions that she couldn't read. His voice lost its bantering lightness. "One's over. Another's about to begin. But you should know, you're already on the scent."

  He had to mean something else; he seemed too jovial to have found out about her connections. She hung her head and held it, hands covering her surprised expression. She hoped she was doing a credible imitation of someone still groggy from sleep. "Hey, I just woke up. Can we save the mysterious for after my first cup ofkaf?"

  "Sorry," he said with an apologetic grin. "I meant you're already near the Deggendorf cache, of course. It's the highest-probability target for Spider, and with you already there, we'll get a jump on Urdli."

  "Whoa, Sam. It sounds like a lot has turned up since I left for the continent. Let's take it from the top." He did, jumbling his meetings with Howling Coyote, Dog, and the Australian elf Urdli all together. With amazement, Hart realized that what she'd thought was a more personal level of business was turning out to be an international conspiracy. She hated it when the big boys decided to throw their weight, around. Sam was right; if the Tir or the Australian elf were left to clean up the mess alone, there would be trouble. God forbid if the Irish Shidhe or some fire-breathing corporate types got wind of it. Quick, clean, and as quiet as possible was the only way to go. "I'll get Jenny running yesterday. We'll need any data we can get. Dodger could help."

  Sam frowned, and she felt distress mixed with his frustration. "If I knew how to contact him, I'd ask. He hasn't been at any of his usual places, not even the fallbacks we'd arranged. Ghost's people have checked. If he hadn't added that note to his last data dump, I'd be really worried. I wish you hadn't left him, Hart." "I'd say I'm sorry, but that won't turn him up. If you can't find him in the real world, try the Matrix." "Got a reason?"

  "A hunch. I can have Jenny check, if you want."

  "No," he responded quickly. "I'll take care of it."

  "Going to be a busy boy."

  "I'll manage. We're all going to be busy."

  "Then why are we talking instead of doing?"

  "No good reason. But I know what I'd like to be doing."

  "Me, too. But it's more than a bit impractical at the moment."

  "Especially since we're not sharing the same plane of reality."

  She blew him a kiss and his projection faded from sight.

  Seeing him again reminded her of how much she missed him. His astral projection was worse than a telecom call. She threw herself in the shower to scrub away the frustration. It wasn't long before she put aside her longings and turned her mind to the problems at hand. Personnel. Equipment. Timing. More than enough to keep her from fretting over a lover thousands of kilometers away, but she worried about him anyway.

  Dodger didn't know where Morgan was taking him. He didn't care. Being in her presence was rapture. He was content to follow along, to see what she wished him to see, and to learn what she taught him. Foremost, he was learning how little he knew of the workings of the Matrix. He had believed himself an expert on cyberspace and was discovering how wrong he was. But then, how much could a meat being know compared to one whose very existence was in, and of, the Matrix?

  They flew through the midnight voids of the electron sky. She seemed to have a goal, for there was none of the darting and swooping that had accompanied their previous jaunts. He could see a humanoid icon ahead in the distance. The icon's hands were cupped to its face, and it seemed to be calling. Odd behavior, indeed.

  As they drew nearer the icon, Dodger began to see details. The figure was of ordinary resolution, standard corporate-level imagery. It was, in fact, a corporate icon, a chrome salaryman in his chrome suit. Such images were nearly featureless, save for the owning corporation's logo and the identity codes of machine and operator. This one fit the profile, except that its identifying logo and codes had been erased. Rather amateurishly, Dodger thought, as he inspected the icon's signature. He could tell that the source of the icon imagery was Renraku.

  Renraku was the megacorp that had designed Morgan. Did this icon have something to do with her? He studied it further. He was in no hurry; she had them cloaked in her power, and the icon's operator had no idea his location in the Matrix was being observed. The icon lowered its hands and moved off to a new location. Dodger saw the icon limp, and the pieces fell into place.

  Dodger didn't believe the answer. He had only observed one icon that limped, and it had belonged to Sam Verner. What was Sam doing in the Matrix? Since taking up magic, he had forsworn the deck.

  As though she were waiting for Dodger to identify Sam, Morgan uncloaked them. Or him, anyway, for Dodger suddenly lost sight of her icon. He knew she wasn't gone, because he could still feel her presence. It didn't make sense, but he accepted it. Much that happened around her didn't make sense. For example, why didn't she want Sam to know she was here? He‹ might wonder, but he respected her decision. He addressed Sam's icon.

  "What are you doing here, Sir Twist?" The icon turned to face him with turtle slowness. Dodger knew the software involved and had never thought it so slow. Or was he faster now, by virtue of his association with her? More questions. But what was life without questions?

  Sam's icon completed its turn and spoke. "Looking for you."

  "Well, youVe found me."

  "I'm glad. I was afraid we'd lost you. We need you, Dodger."

  "If 'tis Matrix matters, I'd be happy to oblige; but if tis other, I fear I must decline, for I have matters to attend to here."

  Sam paused. Microseconds or decades, it didn't matter to Dodger. She was here for him, even though he couldn't see her just now. Sam was thinking, calculating with meat slowness. "You've found it, haven't you?" "Her," Dodger said by way of correction. "I see." There was a longer pause. "Dodger, there are people, living people, who need your help. Let me show you. I '11 tell you all about it when you jack out.'' "Nay."

  Another pause. A growing habit, in both frequency and duration. Finally Sam asked, "Can you take a data dump, then?" "Certes."

  Dodger skimmed the data as it flowed. It included the material Dodger had gotten from Neko Noguchi, along with several reports from that industrious young runner who Dodger had never seen although the data entry was logged through on his
codes. Much was speculation, but all was serious. Spider was a real threat.

  When the dump was finished Sam said, "There are still missing pieces, Dodger. Some of those pieces are loose in the Matrix. Jenny's looking for them, but time's short. I need you, Dodger. I need everyone I can trust working on this."

  So he trusts me now, Dodger thought, but said nothing.

  Sam asked his next question slowly, as though fearful of the answer. "Are you working with the Al?"

  "Surely you do not find that a problem. She is, after all, responsible for your being a shadow in the Matrix."

  "I thought that was you."

  "Nay. She made me a gift of your records, everything from SIN to secret files. But for her good offices, new files would have accumulated. You have much to thank her for."

  "Yeah, well, I guess so." A pause. "I don't want to seem ungrateful, or greedy, but do you think that maybe she'd help again?"

  "Mayhap. But 'tis not my place to say. She can go places and do things that deckers only dream about. She has shown me so much."

  "Can she show you how to get what we need?"

  He was certain she could. Whether she would was the question. "I can but ask."

  "And can she do it without anyone finding out?"

  How could he doubt? "She is the Ghost in the Machine. Can there be any question?"

  There was a long pause. Sam's icon paled and flickered briefly, as if he had divided his attention, then returned to normal intensity. "Dodger, do you know what's happening outside?"

  Circuitous redundancy, a flesh trait. Dodger decided to humor it. "You have dumped me the data, Sir Twist. I understand the importance."

  The Sam icon shook its head. "That's not what I meant. I mean do you know what's happening to your body?"

  " 'Tis just meat, a thing of confining flesh. It does not matter," Dodger laughed. "I roam the Matrix nearly at will now. Speak your needs, and I shall do what you request."