by Carly Syms
***
Jeff dropped me off in front of the house a little after three in the morning. I immediately noticed the light flickering on the rooftop patio at Anthony’s and wondered what he was still doing up.
I knew it probably wouldn’t end well if I went up and checked it out, but curiosity got the best of me. I had to ask Anthony what the heck was going on with him and Pia and why he’d told me he wasn’t looking for anything this summer the night before he asked her to be his girlfriend.
With a growing pit in the center of my stomach, I tiptoed up to the second floor of our house before slowly sliding the patio door open. I heard voices coming from the neighboring roof, and knew right then that I should turn around, go to bed, and forget I ever saw the light.
But I opened the gate to the rooftop patio and walked up the steps, biting my bottom lip the whole way. As I rounded the corner and stepped onto our balcony, the first thing I saw was two sleeping bags rolled out in the middle of the Killeen’s patio.
Laying on top of those sleeping bags were none other than Anthony and Pia. They were cuddled up together, laughing quietly, and stopped to kiss.
I froze, planted in place. I knew I shouldn’t have been surprised by this, but I was. I’d already imagined this night so many times. It was supposed to be me with Anthony.
No, I didn’t have an exclusive claim to rooftop sleepovers with him, but I felt like I should. That had been my idea, our plan. Pia had nothing to do with it and I knew she hadn’t been the one to suggest it, but somehow I was angrier with her than I was with Anthony.
I must have gasped or whimpered or cried out or something without realizing it when I’d seen them together because the next thing I knew, Anthony pried his lips off Pia’s and looked up, staring straight at me.
“Lexie?”
“Lexie?” Pia repeated, rocketing to an upright position, smacking Anthony in the face with the top of her head. “Did you just call me Lexie?”
“Ow!” he cried, bringing his hands to his face. “Oh, my God, I think you broke my nose!”
“Good!” she shot back, crossing her arms over her chest, making no move to help him. “That’s the least you deserve for calling me Lexie.” The bite in her voice when she said my name let me know that she definitely wasn’t over our fight earlier.
“I didn’t!” he said. “Ow! Jesus, we’ll have to talk about this later. I need to wake my mom.”
Realizing that Anthony’s broken nose was more than likely my fault, I turned and scampered down the steps before Pia turned and saw me and understood what was going on.
And okay, so I sort of liked the idea that Anthony mistaking her for me made her so mad.
It was the least she deserved.
xi.
“Oh, my God, she broke his nose? For real?” Gianna started laughing the second the words about last night’s events were out of my mouth.
“I saw him this morning after his jog and his nose is black and he’s got some kind of bandage on it,” I replied. I couldn’t stop the satisfied smile from spreading across my face if I tried. “I don’t know if he eventually told her I was there or not, but it doesn’t really matter.”
“That’s amazing,” she said. “You can’t write it any better than that. And you got yourself a date tonight with that sexy lifeguard.”
I felt a warmth creep across my face. “I wouldn’t call it a date.”
Gianna just rolled her eyes. “Yeah, okay. Then what is it? You’ve already gotten food, gone out with him, and now he wants to spend the whole day with you! That’s a date, girl.”
“He just wants to do something fun on his day off.”
“Yeah,” she said. “With you. He could do whatever he wants with that day and he wants to spend it with you. What the heck are they teachin’ you in those Southern schools? This is a textbook date. Look, all I’m saying is that if Joey asked me to spend the day hanging out on the beach with him, I’d be a little more excited than you are right now!”
“I don’t want to get my hopes up.”
“Look, Lexie, I know you don’t want to get hurt. Nobody does. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I get that. But being in love with someone and having them love you back? Nothin’ out there beats it. One day, you’re going to find the guy that’s perfect for you and he’s going to think you’re amazing and you’re going to think he’s the greatest and nobody will make you happier. But first you need to take a chance on all the wrong guys. Your heart will heal. You’ll be okay. But it’ll never recover from losing out on the one person that could make you happier than anything you can imagine because you were too scared to try.”
I stared at Gianna, speechless. What could you say to that? She was right, of course she was, but it didn’t make me any more willing to risk being happy about Jeff. What were the odds that he was the right guy, anyway?
And was the disappointment of being wrong worth it? I wasn’t so sure.
“Lexie,” she said with a sigh. “Will you just trust me? Be happy. It’s not gonna kill you, for Pete’s sake.”
I blew out some air and tucked a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. “Yeah,” I finally said. “I’ll have a good time with him.”
“Of course you will,” she replied. “Because he’s gorgeous and he makes you smile and he feels really badly about how you guys met! He’s perfect for you.”
I shrugged. “I said I’d have a good time, not get ready to marry him, Gi.”
She only rolled her eyes. “You’ll see. One of these days, you’ll wish you listened to me. Because that boy has the hots for you. You’re just too stubborn to see it.”
***
Jeff knocked on our front door at nine a.m. sharp the next morning, just like he said he would.
He stood there on the front porch looking handsome as ever in bright purple swim trunks and a black University of Colorado sleeveless shirt. His hair was pushed back out of his eyes and he smiled at me as soon as I opened the door.
“You ready for today?” he asked as I stepped out onto the porch. “It’s gonna be a heck of a ride.”
I grinned at him, remembering my promise to Gianna, and tried not to ignore the happiness that I could feel bubbling up inside me just from being around him.
“Oh, yeah?” I asked. “What’s the plan?”
He only shrugged, looking down at me with a glimmer in his eyes. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”
“Oh, come on! Can’t I just have a hint?”
He shook his head, but couldn’t hide his smile. He was enjoying this way too much. “Nope! It’s a mystery.”
“Mystery’s so overrated,” I grumbled under my breath and he laughed.
“Just go with it, would you?” he said. “Not everything has to be so planned out. Things can still be fun if you don’t know what’s coming next.”
I was beginning to think that, for all the things I planned and how much I craved structure, nothing ever really went the way you wanted it to, not really, but somehow, at least for the moment, that was okay.
Maybe someone out there knew what I needed more than I did.
We walked down Gull Boulevard and over Central Avenue to the bayside of the island and a sense of dread washed over me. There was, in my opinion, no good reason to cross from the oceanside of Central Avenue.
Unless you lived there.
Or were about to get on a boat.
“Uh, Jeff?” I said, slowing my pace just a hair. “Why are we going this way?” I held my breath, hoping the answer would surprise me, but knowing it wouldn’t.
He groaned but smiled at me anyway. “You really can’t be patient, can you? I thought we’d go out on the boat this morning, anchor out at sea, and swim around for awhile. I’ve got inner tubes!”
I shook my head. “I--I can’t.”
“What? Sure you can. I’ve got it all figured out.”
I stopped walking. “No, you don’t understand. I really can’t.”
He turned and faced me. “You
’re not scared of the water, are you? I see you in the ocean all the time. I rescued you from the surf that day!”
“No,” I said. “It’s okay when I can touch the bottom, but I just really...I don’t like deep water.”
“Nothing bad’s going to happen to you, Lexie.”
“That’s what he said, too.”
Jeff frowned. “That’s what who said?”
I took a deep breath. “I--we don’t have talk to about this now.”
“We can,” he replied. “It’s okay.”
I stared down at the street, not saying anything.
“Okay,” Jeff said after a few seconds passed without me finding the right words. “We can either go on the boat or just go lay on the sand for awhile and swim where you’re comfortable. It’s up to you.”
I looked up at him, into his bright green eyes that now radiated concern but the willingness to accept my answer--or lack of one--without pushing it any further and I knew what I had to do.
“Let’s go on the boat.”
He cocked his head slightly, raised an eyebrow, but nodded. “Okay,” he said simply. “Cool. Good choice.”
I swallowed hard, not sure that I entirely knew what I was doing, what I was getting myself into. But Jeff had this quality about him, this air that told me I could trust him and everything would work out okay, and I believed it. I’d be alright on the ocean with him.
We were at the dock in no time and my palms grew sweaty at the sight of the small speedboat he led us to.
“Is this your boat?” I desperately sought conversation to distract me and it was the only thing that sprung to mind. “The Lady & the Tramp?” The words were embossed in deep purple on the back of the boat.
“My dad’s,” he replied, then shot a quick glance over at me. “It was my favorite movie when I was a kid. Don’t worry, I’ve been driving it for years. Only crashed it a few times.”
The look on my face must have been one of sheer terror because Jeff’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Lexie, I’m kidding. Sorry.”
I nodded, but my legs weren’t steady beneath me.
“You can get in,” he said, looking at me as though he half-expected me to turn and run screaming all the way back to Gull Boulevard.
And, believe me, I wanted to.
Instead, I remembered what Gianna said, about the best things in life requiring some risk and not being too scared to try. And I thought about Jeff’s warm, concerned eyes, and somehow I put one foot in front of the other and climbed into the speedboat. He followed right after me.
“Do you want me to show you how to drive it?”
I looked around nervously. The only place to sit wasn’t very close to the steering wheel and I thought it’d be better if I stuck close to him.
“Okay.”
He walked over to one of the benches and pulled the cushion off. “We keep the keys in here because nobody ever knows who’s going to take the boat on what day.” He hunted in the storage bench for awhile. “Got it!” He pulled out a purple plastic frog bank. “What, you know you wouldn’t think to look for the keys in here.” He uncapped the bottom and shook a key ring into his hand.
He walked back over to where I stood by the controls and I watched him stick the keys into the ignition and press a few buttons. He explained how to catch the engine and guide the boat out.
The engine cranked over and my stomach lurched. I clung to the railing in front of me, my knuckles turning white.
“See?” he said, and I nodded. “It’s not so bad, is it?”
“It’s okay.”
“If we get out there and you want to turn around, just tell me,” he said, gently navigating the boat from its slip. “I’ll come back as soon as you want.”
I smiled weakly at him, grateful for his concern.
The boat eased its way out of the marina and headed for the channel that connected the bay to the ocean.
I hadn’t been out on the water in a boat in years.
But here I went.
“You holding up okay?” Jeff shouted over the wind and roar of the engine as the boat picked up speed coming out of the channel, heading for open water.
I nodded, afraid that if I opened my mouth, I’d throw up.
“We’re not going to cruise forever,” he told me. “I’ll dock us in a little while.”
I think that was meant to reassure me, but it only intensified my panic. My palms were clammier than ever, I could feel the warmth in my cheeks, sweat prickling at my hairline, knots churning away in my stomach. Docked in the ocean? Could there be anything worse?
We rode in silence, partly because I wouldn’t have been able to hear him over the wind and party because I was still too scared to unclench my jaw. Finally, when the mainland was nothing more than an unrecognizable speck along the horizon, Jeff cut the engine and dropped the boat’s anchor. The boat bobbed harmlessly in the calm waves.
“So,” he said, coming over and taking the seat across from me. “How’re you doing?”
“I’m okay,” I replied, surprised to realize it was pretty much true. The knots in my belly had started to loosen and I wouldn’t have been embarrassed to shake anyone’s hand. “Yeah, this isn’t so bad.”
He nodded. “Good. I thought you might be alright once I got you out here. Why didn’t you want to come?”
I sighed. I’d thought I’d avoided the question when he let it go on the street earlier, but I didn’t think I could dodge it again, not without being rude.
“I haven’t been on a boat in almost ten years,” I said, folding my hands in my lap and looking up at him. “I was with my family the last time. We were all out on a boat, kind of like this one. Me, my mom, my dad, and my grandparents. My father decided to drop the anchor in the middle of the water. We were so far out that I couldn’t see the shoreline, but I wasn’t scared of the open water then so it didn’t bother me.”
I took a deep, steadying breath and looked at Jeff. He didn’t take his eyes off me.
“My dad thought it would be fun to go swimming,” I continued. “So we jumped into the water and floated around, splashed each other a little, and it was fun. The water was nice, really warm. I think I fell in love with the ocean the same day I turned against it. I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time, but it changed everything. My dad dove beneath the surface, swam up from behind me and grabbed my legs, pulling me under.”
My voice caught in my throat as I watched Jeff’s expression change from one of interest to one of confusion and a little bewilderment.
“Oh, jeez,” he muttered under his breath as if he’d figured out exactly how this story ended.
I nodded. “Yeah. Oh, jeez. It was bad enough that he scared me half to death by pulling me under when I wasn’t expecting it, but I got tangled up underneath him. When he came up for air, I was stuck under the water until he realized what was going on. But by then, I’d already panicked, swallowed a lot of water.” I inhaled. “It might sound stupid to you, but it scared me. I was only eight at the time and I haven’t been in water where I can’t touch the bottom since. Not even a pool.”
I swallowed hard, my story done. It was the first time I’d told anyone since it happened.
My friends and I hadn’t gone swimming much so they never really noticed when I stuck to the shallower waters. And it wasn’t like I didn’t swim underwater, either. I just needed to know that I could push myself up off the bottom for air in mere seconds.
“Lexie.” Jeff’s voice was quiet and it’d lost the teasing note that seemed present whenever he spoke. “Lexie, I don’t know what to say. I mean, that’s got to be awful for a little kid.”
“It was,” I said. “The boat, the deep water, the anchoring out here. It’s all so similar to that day. It just freaked me out.”
“Of course it did,” he said. “I get it, really. We’ve all got a story like that, something that we think other people will find silly, but it’s just real for us, you know? No matter what they say to c
onvince you otherwise, that’s just part of who we are.”
I bit my lip, trying to hold back the tears I was shocked to find rising up in the corners of my eyes, threatening to spill over. I’d never expected anyone to understand so perfectly before, but Jeff had said exactly the right thing, what I needed to hear so badly.
“Yeah, that’s it,” I said. “But I feel like you brought me out here for a reason and you didn’t even know it.” I took a deep breath, not sure I wanted to do this. “I think I need to jump in.”
He looked at me with raised eyebrows. “Are you sure?”
I nodded and stood up, pulling my bathing suit cover-up over my head before I could change my mind. “I have to.”
He didn’t say anything else, just peeled off his black tank top like he knew that I needed him to do it with me.
We climbed up onto the flat railing of the boat in silence, our toes curled just slightly over the edge. He offered his hand to me and I took it, feeling the warmth and comfort and spark that jolted through my body at his touch, remembering his strong hands as they’d fixed my leg just a few days ago.
It seemed like that had happened months ago.
I took a deep breath.
“You ready?” he asked.
My heart beat faster in my chest, stomach dancing as I looked up into his smiling eyes.
“No,” I said, surprising myself and him.
His eyebrows shot up. “No?”
I shook my head vigorously. “I can’t.”
“Yeah,” he said, still holding my hand. “You can. Nothing bad will happen to you this time. I promise.”
I wanted so much to believe him, to screw it all and jump off the edge of the boat into the warm, calm, happy waters below and let it all go, forget the past, and dive into the future.
But with each passing second that kept my feet rooted to their spot on deck, I knew it was a lost cause.
“I’m sorry,” I said, letting go of his hand and stepping back into the boat, turning my back to him so I didn’t have to see how much I disappointed him. “It’s so nice that you want to do this for me, but I just can’t.”
