He was a professional, committed to his career. He was sweet and kind. And he was interested in me. I thought I’d won the lottery.
I was very wrong.
We’d been together just a couple of weeks before I moved in with him. I’m not proud of how quickly I threw away my independence, but I honestly thought we’d be together forever, and he’d treat me the way I deserved to be treated.
Boy, was I wrong.
It didn’t take long to see how he really was, but by the time I figured it out, he had me too scared to leave.
He only ever hit me once. That should have been my breaking point, but afterwards, he cried for hours. I was so heartbroken for him that I comforted him. He promised he wouldn’t do it again and begged me not to leave. So, I stayed, and he kept his promise, surprisingly.
From all the verbal abuse and humiliation I got from him, there were times I almost wished he’d hit me and get it over with. Bruises healed faster than broken hearts.
In the year and a half we were together, I’d lost all my friends, I didn’t talk to my family, and I’d quit my job at the bank, which I was lucky to have gotten in the first place. I was completely isolated, which is exactly what he wanted.
He scared off my friends when they’d call, telling them lies or flat-out telling them they weren’t worth my time. He put up a front when my mother was around, which wasn’t often to begin with. Eventually, he told me that he was my family now, and I shouldn’t talk to my mom as much as I did. No respectable grown woman should rely on her mother. I only listened because I couldn’t bear the thought of his anger and hurtful words being turned on my mother.
One evening in particular, just a few nights before he left me, he’d come home drunk from a night out with his friends, which usually included a few girls. He’d been more than in the mood for extra sex. I told him no and pushed him away, but it didn’t faze him.
I was terrified for my life. His actions worried me that much.
Surprisingly, before anything could happen, other than him scaring me, he seemed to realize what he was doing and stopped. Without saying a word, he had left me where I lay on the bed, naked. My clothes had long been ripped from my body. My breasts had been slightly bruised from his rough hands. I didn’t know where he found his restraint that night, but I was grateful.
I should have left then, but I didn’t know where to go. He didn’t come home for days, and when he did, he accused me of being a seductress, using him to get what I wanted. I was so thrown I could only stare at him with my mouth wide open. Apparently, he’d gotten it into his head that it had all been my fault. I’d hoped he was too drunk to remember what he almost did to me, but I was wrong. And he seemed to think it was all me.
I guess I should be grateful he left me in his high-class apartment where the rent was too expensive. He left me. I was free of him. I was very grateful for that.
I had no idea what had gotten into his head, or I guess in his pants would probably be more accurate, but I almost wanted to look them up just so I could thank them. Then, of course, I’d feel awful because I knew if he was with someone else, she’d be treated like shit too.
Another thing I was thankful for was that it didn’t get worse. He could have continued to hit me. He could have actually raped me the night he decided to leave me. There were a lot of things he could have done worse, and he didn’t. So yes, I was grateful for that too.
Josh was my past. I wouldn’t dwell on him a second longer. Instead, I wanted to look to the future.
“I could find a place of my own now,” I said.
Once again, she shook her head. “Honey, you were with Josh for almost two years. You just started living your life again when you met Marcus.”
Just hearing his name made me I frown.
“I think you need to take some time for yourself now. Just you. You don’t need kids running around now.”
I sighed. She had a point. Taking time for myself would be nice. I hadn’t really been alone in quite a few years.
But adoption would stay in the back of my mind. My mind was already made up. I was getting more information on adopting Andrew and Natalie even if I could only get some kind of temporary custody. Maybe it would actually give my sister initiative to clean up her act.
Or maybe she’d be forced to or risk losing her kids forever.
I just hoped she would take that seriously and fight for her children.
marcus lied or was sadly mistaken. This wasn’t real life. It couldn’t be. How could my life have turned completely upside down just to turn right back around a couple of weeks later? Nope. I refused to believe it.
And yet, there he was, sitting on my couch with my feet in his lap.
His gaze was glued to the T.V., but I could tell he wasn’t really watching. He was thinking hard about something, us to be specific. I just knew it. It was almost impossible not to think about us after the weekend we’d had together.
We talked some yesterday before deciding to spend the time together. After eating our food from Pete’s, we hung out. No hidden agenda, no hidden meanings. It was just two friends, or whatever we were now, relaxing in each other’s company.
Even in bed last night, we just cuddled. Marcus wanted to make sure I knew this wasn’t just about sex. While we both had no complaints there, I had to admit it was nice just to be together without needing to be with each other. There wasn’t even any need for words, though there was still plenty to discuss. We were just…together.
Impulsively, I lifted my legs off of Marcus’ lap and grinned at the confusion on his face. I spun around on the couch to lay my head on his lap instead. He started running his fingers through my hair. He’d always known how much that relaxes me.
“Hey,” he said softly with a smile.
I looked up at him, a small smile playing on my lips as well. I still couldn’t believe that we were here, that this was happening. I’d pictured this a million times before, and this was still better than I’d imagined. Well, the way we got here was definitely not the way I’d have wanted things to happen, but I didn’t have much say in that.
Taking a deep breath, I braced myself for what I was about to say. We couldn’t beat around the bush forever, and knowing Marcus, he was dying to have this conversation too.
“I think we need to talk,” I said, gauging his reaction. “Really talk.”
“I agree.” He nodded, chewing on the inside of his lip. “There’s still a lot that needs to be said.”
I sat on the couch, staying close to him. He kept looking straight ahead like he was still thinking about what to say or how to say it. I looped my arm through his and laid my head on his shoulder. It was so strange to be sitting like this now. We’d sat like this together hundreds of times, and yet this time made me a little nervous.
“When did you start to feel this way about me?” I asked nervously, hoping to get the ball rolling. My stomach knotted even more when his shoulders shook with a quiet laugh.
“I could ask you the same question.” He grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together. “I never got the impression you felt the same way, and I figured why rock the boat?”
“You seriously had no idea how I felt about you?” I raised my head to look at him, shocked when he shook his head. “I always thought I was so obvious, and you were just being nice about it.”
“I guess we didn’t know each other as well as we thought we did, huh?” He said it with a smile, but there was hurt in his eyes.
Marcus had always been the kind of person to say how he felt, whether you wanted to hear it or not, so finding out he felt the same way about me that I had about him our whole lives seemed so unreal.
He was so kind and caring. I’d seen it with plenty of girls before. It may not have been love, but he would always show them that he cared in one way or another. It was hard to watch, but at the same time, I loved seeing it. I’d always hoped I’d find a guy just like that when, little did I know, I already had.
“I suppos
e it doesn’t matter now, does it?” I smiled, hoping to ease his worry even though I was having the same doubts I was sure were running through his head right now. “We have each other now.”
“Haven’t we always?” This time, his smile was happy.
“Do you really want to do this?” I didn’t bother to try to hide my own worry. He’d see right through me.
“Hannah.” He turned slightly and took both of my hands in his. “I have my doubts, and I know you do too. We got to this point because some bad things have happened lately, but I don’t want you to doubt what I feel for you.”
I bit my lip as I stared into his amazingly blue eyes. They seemed to change colors with his emotions as well as his clothes. He had no idea what kind of effect those eyes had on girls. He honestly had no idea the kind of effect he had on all of the girls he knew. That was just another reason to love him. He didn’t know how attractive he was.
“Do you still have feelings for Amy?”
The question was out of my mouth before I could stop it. I really didn’t want to know. I was pretty sure I already knew the answer, and I didn’t need it confirmed.
Marcus looked a little uncomfortable. “Yes.”
I looked down at my hands. It shouldn’t bother me. He and Amy just recently broke up. Of course, he’d still have feelings for her. Marcus wasn’t the kind of guy who could just shut them off and move on like she was nothing.
Besides, I’d witnessed the way he was with her. I’d never seen him act like that with another girl before. A part of his heart was still with her even if he didn’t realize it. Could I still do this? Did I want to?
Of course, I did. I couldn’t help myself.
“But Amy or no Amy, don’t you think we deserve a chance too?”
His question shocked me. That night after his party, the night I kissed him, I’d told him this was our chance, and he didn’t agree. He’d said he didn’t want to hurt Amy, and I believed him. I was still worried this wasn’t what he wanted, what he truly wanted.
“I do,” I said, “but I don’t want you to do this for me. I want you to do this for you too.”
“I am.” He sighed, shaking his head. “Don’t you think I’m thinking the same thing you are about me and Amy? You and Justin just broke up. There’s always that chance you’re looking for a rebound.”
Shocked, I opened my mouth, wanting to say something but not really knowing what. I scoffed and turned away from Marcus, feeling a little more betrayed now than I had all weekend. The feeling he had successfully made me forget was back.
“Don’t be mad, Hannah.” Marcus sounded tired, and I looked to see him holding his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. He returned his glasses to his face and stared at me. “I wasn’t saying that that’s what you were doing, but think about it. You think because I still have feelings for Amy that I don’t want this. Why wouldn’t I think the same?”
I sighed loudly and leaned back against the back of the couch. He had a point, but I hated it.
“Look, you caught Justin cheating in a way. Of course, you still have feelings for him.” He caressed my hand with his thumb, and I looked down to watch, needed a break from his stare. “They don’t just turn off, and that’s okay. It’s just something we have to work through.”
Looking up at him again, I could see the honestly in his eyes. I agreed with him. This wasn’t going to be easy, but like any relationship, we’d fight for it.
“We’re not going to figure it all out today,” I added for him, making him grin.
“No, we’re not. I guess in a way, it’s like learning about each other all over again. More intimately this time.”
His words caused heat to rush to my cheeks, and I bit my lip again. He grinned, shook his head, and pinched my sides, making me laugh.
“Get your mind out of the gutter, Han,” he said with a wink and then smirked. “I never knew you were such a little horndog.”
My cheeks grew warmer from his teasing, and I had to look away. I never realized Marcus was so comfortable talking about these things. Well, maybe it was just with me he’d been uncomfortable. It wasn’t like I was comfortable talking about my sex life with him before either. Or hearing about his.
“Of course, you didn’t.” I stood with my sudden confidence, smirking down at him. Two could play that game. “Why would I tell you?”
I turned and walked around the couch and into the kitchen. There wasn’t anything I needed to do in here. I just needed to get away from Marcus for a minute. Teasing or not, he was right, but I hated that he was because I wasn’t the type to want sex all the time until Justin. I hated that it was him who brought it out of me too.
I guess it was a good thing if I could bring it out with Marcus now. Hell, we already have really. There wasn’t an inch of my body Marcus hadn’t seen. Or thoroughly examined if we were being honest. The thought made me blush again.
“Have you always been a horndog, Hannah?” Marcus asked from behind me, scaring me a little. I hadn’t heard him follow me.
“Um…” I turned and looked at him, biting my lip again.
“I don’t want to know.” He grinned, but there was something in his eyes I couldn’t place. He grabbed my hand, pulling me to the front door. “Come on.”
“Where are we going?” I laughed as he opened my door and grabbed my jacket for me.
“We’re going to get out of the apartment for a little bit.” He narrowed his eyes like he was angry. “All this talk about you being a horndog makes me wonder if that’s the only reason you like me.”
I laughed.
He smirked at me before pulling me out the door. “Besides, I think it’s about time to let Erica come back to her own place now,” he said over his shoulder as he walked me to the car he was driving.
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh, I kicked Erica out the other night. Gave her keys to my place.” He said it like it was no big deal. “Okay, I didn’t kick her out, but I did give her keys to my place so I could talk to you alone.”
He opened the passenger door for me, and I slid in while he went to the driver’s side. Once he started the car and pulled out, he glanced over at me, grinning. I was grinning too. As weird as it may sound that he had asked Erica to leave, it really wasn’t. She wouldn’t have left if she didn’t think we needed this time alone, and he offered her his place so she wouldn’t have to worry about a place to hang.
I was sure she hadn’t realized it was going to be an entire weekend deal.
sitting at my desk monday morning, I was still thinking about my weekend with Hannah. Things had gone better than I expected. I definitely didn’t expect for us to be together. I had gone with the hope that we could talk things out and at least be friends again. But, now? I chuckled as I shook my head.
It was something that I’d always wanted, being able to call Hannah mine, and here we were. To find out she felt the exact same way after all these years was shocking but also a little upsetting. All this time, we could have maybe been together, and neither of us had the guts to tell the other about our feelings. Not that it mattered now.
I sat back in my chair, twirling my phone around in my hand. Hannah had been texting me all morning even though she was in class. I grinned when my phone vibrated again in my hand, taking a second to read the text from her.
I miss you. Hope you’re having a good day at work. xoxo
I couldn’t complain, really. I knew Hannah felt the need to stay connected. She was afraid I was going to walk away, especially coming back to work today knowing I’d be with Amy. She didn’t say as much, but I knew she was still insecure when it came to Amy. I couldn’t blame her. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little insecure myself.
But Amy wasn’t here, at least not yet. She always beat me to work. In that last couple of weeks, I’d come to love her morning greeting, although it was a little different now. We were trying to be adults and to work together, but I could see her hurting when I’d watch her fr
om my desk, just like I knew she could tell it was bothering me sometimes too.
I dreaded telling her about Hannah even if it was her idea.
I texted Hannah back, telling her to pay attention in class and that I needed to get to work. Then I turned my phone on silent. I laid it off to the side on my desk before looking at my computer. I really did have things to do, and I didn’t want Hannah to distract me too much. I had to put some of the client information files into the computer to help distract me from her. Well, not really.
My mind was always wandering lately. I never seemed to have a free second to myself. If I wasn’t thinking about Hannah, I was worrying about Amy. I hated not talking to her. We’d become friends so easily it bothered me that we couldn’t get back to that now. I didn’t expect anything more, really. It would hurt to be close to her knowing I couldn’t be with her. I couldn’t imagine how it would feel to her finding out that I was now with Hannah after she told me to.
It was just a messed-up situation. As conceited as it sounded, I hoped she wasn’t avoiding work because of me. At the same time, the idea of her missing work because of me made me feel a little better. Then I’d know for sure she was missing me too. That really did make me a bastard, didn’t it?
Working wasn’t doing much to help me keep my mind off of everything. I grabbed my iPod out of my bag and a bottle of water from the mini fridge behind my desk before standing and walking out of my office and into the gym. I didn’t bother stretching or warming up. I just sat down on the bench beside the dumbbells.
I grumbled to myself as I put my headphones in my ear and turned my iPod onto my workout playlist. I was hating this boot more and more the longer it was on my foot. December couldn’t come fast enough for me to get the stupid thing off.
I shouldn’t complain. I didn’t necessarily need the extra workouts to focus specifically on my arms, but I liked to stay well balanced. Besides, running on the treadmill helped clear my mind, not arm curls with various weights.
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