I ended that dreary, lonely Sunday by telling Jeff to read the following scriptures: Matthew 16:17-19, Ephesians 6:10-11, I John 4:4, and Hebrews 2:14-15.
Even though we couldn’t attend church and worship God as part of a group, at least I hoped Jeff would end that Sunday by reading his Bible. Since I wasn’t sure if he would or not, I decided to read the verses aloud. I tried to read slowly so he could understand what I was saying. I prayed he would listen closely and really hear the words, then think about them later.
“God has blessed you, Simon, son of Jonah,” Jesus said, “for my Father in heaven has personally revealed this to you–this is not from any human source. You are Peter, a stone; and upon this rock I will build my church; and all the powers of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give you the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven; whatever doors you lock on earth shall be locked in heaven; and whatever doors you open on earth shall be open in heaven!” (Matthew 16:17-19, TLB)
“Imagine that, Jeff. Jesus is giving you the keys to heaven. But you have to open those doors to forgiveness, first, and then the Lord will let you into heaven. You can do that, Jeff. All you have to do is ask forgiveness.”
He didn’t answer. Maybe he was asleep, I don’t really know. I was always afraid that the drugs he took made him sleep too much. I kept reading, just in case.
Last of all I want to remind you that your strength must come from the Lord’s mighty power within you. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand safe against all strategies and tricks of Satan. (Ephesians 6:10-11, TLB)
Dear young friends, you belong to God and have already won your fight with those who are against Christ, because there is someone in your hearts who is stronger than any evil teacher in this wicked world. (I John 4:4, TLB)
“Jeff, you hear that? There is someone in your heart who is stronger than any evil in this wicked world! That someone is God, Jeff. You know, I’ve been feeling bad today. It was a long day. I’m tired of being here. I’m worried about that razor blade hearing coming up. I’m sick of worrying about everything. Jeff, are you listening to me? Here’s the bottom line: We both need to know that nothing is going to happen to you or to me that you and I can’t handle. Isn’t that right? It’s true, if we have Jesus on our side, we can handle anything! Jeff, listen to this:
Since we, God’s children, are human beings–made of flesh and blood–he became flesh and blood too by being born in human form; for only as a human being could he die and in dying break the power of the devil who had the power of death. Only in that way could he deliver those who through fear of death have been living all their lives as slaves to constant dread. (Hebrews 2:14-15, TLB)
I didn’t hear anything from Cell 1. I felt a mixture of sadness and determination surrounding Jeff. I had so much passion in me to help him; the words of God burst from my lips but seemed to go unheard and unseen by the closed ears and eyes in Cell 1. I felt like falling to my knees in exasperation and pounding my fists against the thick cement wall separating us. I wanted Jeff to see and to understand, but he seemed so lost. In Jeff’s case, he probably never really saw or understood God. God was never a part of his life, and now it seemed like a distant world.
I tried to imagine what Jeff was thinking. He probably felt like the Lord had abandoned him a long time ago, so now he would abandon God in return. If only he could see how much God loves and how God was with him right then trying to save His troubled child.
I fell asleep amidst prayers that my scripture readings would touch Jeff’s heart and that we could talk about them the next day. At least the next day would be Monday and the long, long weekend would be over.
Eighteen
Another Letter from Jeff
Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the terrible wrath of God is upon all those who do them. Don’t even associate with such people. For though once your heart was full of darkness, now it is full of light from the Lord, and your behavior should show it! Because of this light within you, you should do only what is good and right and true. (Ephesians 5:6-9, TLB)
Monday, March 9, 1992.
Once again, when offered the chance to go outside for some fresh air, Jeff didn’t go. Neither did I.
At 11 a.m., the mail came and Jeff got his usual bags and bags of greetings from people all over the world. That day someone even sent him a nineteen-inch color television set, but he couldn’t keep it because it was equipped with a built-in clock timer, which was not allowed. He sent it back.
I received another letter from Jeff, which he wrote the previous night. He thanked me for the magazine. He said that some nights he was so bored he wished he could go to sleep and never wake up. He complained about having to write with a marker because apparently the guards were afraid he’d stab himself if they gave him a pen. He also talked about missing the club scene in Chicago on Saturday nights.
“Have you ever seen Chicago at night? All the buildings are lit up; it’s nice,” he said.
He ended by telling me to keep my spirits up and he’d try to do the same.
I read the letter, then tapped the wall between our cells.
“Hey, Jeff, I got your letter. Thanks.”
“No problem,” he said. “I tried to send you some books again but security wouldn’t let me. I don’t know why. They’re just books.”
“I understand.” I didn’t really, but I said it anyway. I was curious about what types of books he had planned to send to me. What type of book did Jeffrey Dahmer read or, for that matter, what kind of book did he want me to read?
Jeff interrupted my thoughts.
“Hey, Calvin, do you go to Chicago very often?”
“No, hardly ever,” I admitted.
“Well, I loved it. The nightlife and the lights, they’re the best in Chicago. I’d take the train or the bus. That’s where I met some of my victims. They’d come back to Milwaukee with me on the bus and I’d take them to my apartment. We’d spend the whole weekend making love, but then, when they were ready to go back to Chicago, I’d have to drug ‘em so they wouldn’t leave. You know the rest.”
I did know the rest. I knew it pretty well by now and appreciated his lack of elaboration.
That Monday was the first and only day I remember that Jeff came out of his cell to take a shower. He was out of those four walls for about ten minutes. He just had to walk a few feet because his cell was across the hall from the shower area. None of the other prisoners could see that he was out of his cell except me.
After the 9 p.m. standing count, I asked Jeff how he felt about his life sentences. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like knowing I’d never get out of prison.
“It’s true,” Jeff sighed. “I’ll be locked up forever, for as long as I live. But the thoughts and fears of what I did will be immortal. It’s my legacy. What I did will be written in books and will be with people for time eternal. I can only hope it will be used by the right individuals to achieve the same purpose as I tried to achieve.”
Jeff’s answer sounded like it was something he had thought a lot about; like it was a speech he had prepared and knew well. I didn’t have a response. I often felt at a loss for words when I was talking to Jeff. He was a complicated guy and I never quite knew what to expect from him.
Then, changing the subject, he asked, “I have a question for you, Calvin. Do you think, when you get out of prison, you’ll still stay a Christian?”
I was thrown by his question, but answered. “Yes, of course I will.”
“Do you think it will be hard, you know, staying with God and all?”
“Man, life is hard and it’s full of temptation,” I replied. “Satan is always there trying to pull you away and make you go down a bad path. But that’s what being a Christian is all about, staying with God even when times are hard.”
Jeff was silent, so I continued, “God will always be there, but it’s up to us to have faith and turn to Him when we are in trouble.”
I was glad t
hat Jeff wanted to know more about Christianity. He was such a different person at night. I began to wonder how he could be so sarcastic and evil-minded during the day and yet so willing to learn about God and the Bible at night? It was strange and confusing, but I thought maybe his disrespect was an act to get back at the other inmates for all the jokes and threats. Maybe he figured he was giving them what they wanted to hear, what they expected of him.
I started to think that maybe Jeff knew prison was the best place for him. It was where he felt safe and where he belonged, where he couldn’t hurt any more people.
My mind wandered and I began thinking about Jeff’s trial. “Jeff, what do you think about the judge who sentenced you? Judge Gram?”
“He did what he had to do just as I did what I had to do,” Jeff replied. “I feel no anger toward him. Just by my trial he should have realized that all minorities should die and I hope I’ve made that impression on him.”
“How about Attorney Gerald Boyle? Did you like him?”
“I believe he did his job and nothing more,” Jeff said. “I know he couldn’t stand me as most people can’t, but I’m not bothered by what people think or I wouldn’t have confessed to all the crimes I committed.”
It was time for our two-man Bible study. I quietly reviewed what I had planned for that evening.
Then I told Jeff, “God’s final plan for Satan and his demons is found in Matthew 25:41. Read it. It’ll help you in your spiritual walk.”
Then I will turn to those on my left and say, “Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons.” (Matthew 25:41, TLB)
“Jeff, you sure don’t want to spend eternity in hell with the devil and his demons, do you?”
Jeff responded casually. “I don’t think I’m afraid of dying. Not anymore.” He paused for a moment and then continued, “I think it would be the best thing for me actually. Besides, I would probably fit right in with the demons and the devil. We’d probably be pals.”
Jeff was being sarcastic. I knew he didn’t mean what he said. Maybe he wasn’t afraid of death anymore because he probably already felt dead; his life was over as far as he was concerned.
I was quiet as I tried to find the right thing to say.
“Jeff, you can’t give up on living.” I ignored his comment about being pals with the devil. “There is still so much good you can do with this life you were given. Your soul can still be saved.”
I didn’t hear an answer, so I figured he was asleep. I tried to stay positive but it was difficult.
I looked up Psalms 23 in my Bible and read it quietly to myself. This verse always made me feel better. Even I sometimes needed a reminder that God was with me during my most troubling times. Living next to Jeffrey Dahmer was a challenge. Trying to get him to know and love God was even more of a challenge and that challenge had started to get to me.
I wondered if he would ever have a change of heart big enough to sincerely ask for God’s forgiveness. Was all my work with him for nothing? Would this mass murdering serial killer eventually come around to the Lord? I prayed about it and then I finally slept.
Nineteen
The Day Before My Disciplinary Hearing
Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the terrible wrath of God is upon all those who do them. Don’t even associate with such people. For though once your heart was full of darkness, now it is full of light from the Lord, and your behavior should show it! Because of this light within you, you should do only what is good and right and true. (Ephesians 5:6-9, TLB)
Tuesday, March 10, 1992.
Three things kept my mind occupied during the days in Unit 2. I thought maybe God had placed me in that cell because he knew I was a relatively new Christian and, therefore, was as far as introducing him to the power of God and all the excited about my faith. I wondered if I was doing enough with Jeff as far as introducing him to the power of God and all the goodness that awaited him if he would only believe that Jesus was his Lord and Savior.
My hearing also occupied my thoughts. I worried a lot, especially about what would happen if I was found guilty.
The third thing I thought about was leaving the desegregation unit, getting back with the general prison population where I would have more freedom; where I would be able to continue my classes, attend chapel services and Bible study, go to the gym, library; and where I could talk to the friends I’d made in prison. I hated being cooped up in one cell all day and all night but on the other side of the story, I would be away from Jeff. My thoughts contradicted themselves. I wanted to be out of this timeless unit but I also felt I had a responsibility to keep talking to Jeff about God.
It felt like each day in Unit 2 lasted more like three days. The boredom was broken a little on that day when I received a memo in the morning mail.
Date:
March 9, 1992
To:
Calvin Martin, #139891
DS-2, Cell 2
From:
Captain Pete Huibregtse
Subject:
TLU Status
This is in response to your correspondence to Mr. Davidson dated 030692. You will remain in TLU status pending the outcome of your hearing. An investigation will not be ordered at this time unless determined necessary by the hearing committee.
I was hoping officials would do an investigation before the next day’s hearing so there would be proof that I hadn’t hidden that razor blade, but deep down I knew they wouldn’t. I couldn’t eat that night because I was so nervous.
Luckily, the other inmates on our tier were quiet for once and didn’t start with their usual Dahmer bashing. I was glad. It gave me more time to think about my immediate future.
After the 9 p.m. standing count, I thought that no matter what happened the next day, I probably wouldn’t be in Unit 2 any longer. If found guilty, I’d be doing adjustment time on Unit 1. If found not guilty, I’d leave Unit 2 and return to a different cell in another unit, possibly my former cell. I knew this night could be my last chance to talk to Dahmer.
Even though I wasn’t feeling good and my mind was heavily preoccupied, I decided to ask him more questions. I also had a few more Bible quotes I wanted him to read. I went over and pulled myself up onto my sink. I balanced myself and tapped the wall.
“Hey, Jeff, tell me what you think, honestly. Do you think you’ll go to heaven after all you’ve done?” I hoped Jeff felt differently today. It was a new day and every day was a new beginning with new opportunities to make life better.
Dahmer, without much hesitation, answered, “I know what I said the other night, about going to hell. And I thought about it and I wondered, ‘why would I not go to heaven?’ Yes. Basically, I believe what I did was right. Somebody has to rid the earth of scum. Why would I be punished for that? If I am punished, it’ll be by making me continue to live on this earth, knowing that scum like that are still walking around freely, contaminating this planet and its people. That’s torture right there, having to stay on this earth.”
I was stunned and frustrated; sometimes it felt like Jeff would take one step forward but then take ten steps back. Just the other day he said he was probably going to hell and hinted that he realized what he had done was wrong. He must be angry or bitter today.
I honestly believed that deep inside his troubled soul, he was sorry for his crimes, but for some reason he felt he had to randomly shock me with his weird theories and racial slurs. I’d read in the newspaper about what Dahmer had told the judge the day he was sentenced. He had said then that he wanted to take back the awful things that he did. He even apologized to the families and said he was sorry for all the pain he had caused them.
Why was he being so hateful about his victims now? He couldn’t seem to make up his mind about how he felt about things, or what he wanted to tell people. He seemed so confused.
Almost every night we had a conversation and it was usually the same routine. Maybe it was because Jeff had figure
d out that I was a black man and he knew mostly black men in the other cells ridiculed, threatened, and joked about him. Perhaps talking to me like that was his way of getting back at those men who hated him.
At any rate, because I felt that Satan himself still tormented Jeff, I wanted him to read more scripture that warned us about Satan and how he tried to control the world and each of us who are tempted to do evil.
I sat on my bed and paged through my Bible, looking for the verses I had in mind. Finally, I had a list to read to Jeff.
“Jeff, write these verses down and read them tonight: II Corinthians 2:10-11, John 6:37 and 40, Romans 8:35-39, and II Thessalonians 3:3.
“Yeah, OK. I’ll read ‘em.” I could hear Jeff scribbling down the verses and the two of us were quiet for some time. All I could hope was that he was in that cell, behind that concrete block wall, reading the verses with an open mind.
When you forgive anyone, I do too. And whatever I have forgiven (to the extent that this affected me too) has been by Christ’s authority, and for your good. A further reason for forgiveness is to keep from being outsmarted by Satan; for we know what he is trying to do. (II Corinthians 2:10-11, TLB)
But some will come to me–those the Father has given me–and I will never, never reject them.
For it is my Father’s will that everyone who sees his Son and believes in him should have eternal life–that I should raise him at the Last Day. (John 6: 37 and 40, TLB)
Who then can ever keep Christ’s love from us? When we have trouble or calamity, when we are hunted down or destroyed, is it because he doesn’t love us anymore? And if we are hungry, or penniless, or in danger, or threatened with death, has God deserted us? No, for the Scriptures tell us that for his sake we must be ready to face death at every moment of the day–we are like sheep awaiting slaughter; but despite all this, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us enough to die for us.
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