Judged By You (Judge Me Series)

by Patricia Voois

  “You’re finished already?”

  “More like traumatised. I have been told that I can’t run anymore after twenty weeks that I will have a caesarean section, and I will be on bed rest a lot.” She huffed.

  “You can still do yoga though? And you need your rest, your growing my nieces and nephews in there.” I said with a smile.

  “They are all boys okay. I don’t want girls.” Nicole bit out. I noticed she got cranky when she was hungry. I dug around in my bag and found a muesli bar. I handed it to her; she snatched it off me and opened it.

  “Thanks. I’m always fucking hungry.” She said biting off a bit.

  We all laughed. Including Carter who was standing opposite me. His eyes met mine, and he winked at me. What the hell?

  The doctor came out and told us we could go back inside. Once we all got inside, the doctor began talking.

  “My final assessment is good. Stephen will do Physio three times a week for six weeks then it will be once a week for ten weeks. He needs plenty of rest, no vigorous activities. No drinking or doing drugs,” The doctor opened his chart and flicked over a few pages. “Your drug test came back clear. Anyway, you can’t drive for another five weeks either. I want you back for a follow up appointment in four weeks. For the pain, you can take the over the counter pain relief which was opted by you.”

  I looked at Stephen. He must be in some serious pain without anything stronger. His eyes told me he wasn’t going to budge. He was a hard headed man and when he was determined he would do anything. He refused pain relief often in hospital, but the nurses always tried to talked him into having something.

  “Any other issues or concerns come back to the emergency department. Otherwise, I will see you in a few weeks,” The doctor put out his hand, and Stephen shook it. "Stay out of trouble Stephen. You have proved to be a good man.”

  “Thank you doctor for everything.” I interrupted also shaking his hand.

  The doctor did his round of shaking hands and then left. Carter stepped forward and handed Stephen an envelope full of papers. Stephen signed them one by one as Carter pointed to the lines and co-signed everything Stephen did.

  “Alright Stephen. I will contact you with your Drug Rehab and Anger Management information. Shouldn’t be too far away though. You will have regular check ins with me, first one I would like in three days. Just come to the office and see me. Or I can come to you whatever will be easier. I know you have to rest.” Carter said looking at me.

  I didn’t want my brother going out too much. “Just come to him.” I blurted out.

  Derek looked shocked at my response, but I shook my head as a warning. I was fully aware of the way it looked, but I chose to ignore it. Stephen comes first at the moment, and I intend to take care of him.

  “Alright. I will see you in a few days.” Carter picked up the paper work and put it in his brief case.

  Stephen got up from bed and transferred into a wheelchair. He winced when he sat down which worried me. Derek and I packed up his few belongings that the guards let us bring to him; mind you we had to be searched first. Nicole wanted to sit on Stephen lap when we started to wheel Stephen out, he agreed, but I put a halt to that. He was in pain.

  “Lighten up Sav, I was freaking kidding. Gees women.” Nicole stated shaking her head.

  “Stay out of trouble.” Carter said to Stephen as we wheeled past him.

  Derek pushed Stephen while Nicole and I followed. Carter wasn’t far behind us; I could feel him watching me. We all shuffled into the elevator, it was all becoming so real, and I couldn’t help but smile. I left a hand grab mine, and I looked down to see Stephen holding my hand. My eyes met his and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was. When the elevator doors opened at the bottom, it was so close to being home free I could taste it. We were going to be a family again.

  A guard met us at the front doors, and offered to bring the wheelchair back into the hospital for us. He and Stephen were talking about NASCAR racing from the doors to the car. I found it weird; I mean prison guards are normally so uptight. But this guy seemed friendly. He was one of the regular ones that would sit with Stephen in his room and watch movies. They shook hands when we got to the car, and he helped Derek get Stephen into the car.

  He was still having troubles weight bearing, we bought a set of crutches yesterday when we went to the shops to get stock the cupboards full of food. I and Nicole climbed in the back while Derek and Stephen had the front seats. It was just easier for Stephen to sit in the front. As soon as we were on our way away from the hospital I started to cry. This was so real. He was finally coming home.

  “Hey. Stop crying Savannah.” I looked up at Nicole, and she was doing the same.

  “You two are such girls. Stop it.” Derek said in mock disgust.

  Well dah……

  The change in his voice told me he was getting emotional also. The rest of the ride was silent. I and Nicole held hands while the boys just watched the road. When we got a few blocks away from home, Stephen surprised me. Or should I say shocked the shit out of me.

  “Hey Derek. Can you take me to the cemetery? Just for a second.”

  “Sure man. You girls okay with that”. Derek looked at me in the mirror. Tears flowed down my cheeks, and I nodded. Stephen had given me so much shit over the years about me visiting them. He hadn’t been there since their funeral. This was a struggle to get him there in the first place.

  We detoured to the cemetery, and we all got out once there. Derek parked as close as he could to my parent’s grave, but we still had to walk a little way. Stephen struggled, I could see the pain in his eyes, but he sucked it back. He leaned on me and Derek for the support; we offered it with no thought. I just hoped he leaned on us for a lot more than just physical support in time to come.

  Stephen stood in front of mum and dads stone with me. He didn’t say anything at first, just stared. Derek and Nicole stood back but close enough to hear us. Dried up flowers lay on the ground, some of them were mine, some of them from other people. Mum and dad both had a lot of friends who came to visit regularly. More than me to be honest. These days I just found it too hard, I actually knew I needed to let it go, and believe that things were going to be different.

  I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer to them. When I finished I opened them and leaned down and kisses the stone. I heard Stephen whimper, when I turned around he has streams of tears flowing down his face, his lips were trembling. He was hurting and breaking all again. I knew this because I had been there time and time again.

  “DEREK,” I yelled as Stephen was attempting to drop to his knees.

  Derek rushed over and helped lower Stephen to his knees so the impact wouldn’t be as damaging. I got down beside him and held him tight. Nicole came over and knelt with us. All four of us knelt and held each other. My tough brother repeated how much he missed them and wished they would come back to help him. How much he needed them, and why did they have to leave us. This broke me. I asked the same questions and said the same thing every time I came to visit them. Yet here we are….. Alone without them. But I have started to believe that they are here that they are helping in whatever way they can from afar. I believe that when someone dies, they never actually leave you, they are here…. We just can’t see them unless we close our eyes.

  After what seemed like hours Stephen asked to be helped off the ground. Derek and I helped him to his feet; we waited until he got his balance before we let him go. As I look around at the three people standing before me, I noticed not one of us had dry eyes.

  “We better get home. I’m hungry for real food,” Stephen said holding onto me for support.

  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  Walking through the front door was the best feeling. It had been awhile since Stephen had been here, and not much has changed, but in his eyes I don’t doubt that everything looks new. Derek helped Stephen to the couch while I put his bag upstairs in his room. When I came back down, the boys were in the lounge room
, and Nicole was fussing about in the kitchen.

  “You boys want a coffee?” I yelled.

  “Beer would be better Sav. Thanks.” Stephen said.

  “All I’m offering is coffee.” I repeated.

  They both agreed with mellow tones. Call me a panic merchant but I hid all the alcohol when we cleaned the house, I didn’t want Stephen finding it. I knew he wasn’t allowed to drink, and I didn’t want him to be tempted.

  “Caesar salad alright for lunch?” Nicole asked. We all agreed. Nicole was our cook, and her Caeser salads were to die for.

  I made coffee and handed them out before going back to the kitchen to help Nic with lunch. I cut the lettuce and peeled the eggs while she fried the bacon and chicken. The laughter from the lounge room brought me back to old times. They were talking about friends from school, and where they were now. One of our friends had become a multi-million air making sex toys, Derek told me this morning, and I couldn’t believe it. This guy was such a nerd at school, but now he was a rich good looking nerd, with no doubt a lot of women after him.

  “How does it feel to have him home?” Nicole asked, coming to stand beside me.

  “Like you wouldn’t believe.” I smiled.

  When lunch was made, we set the table and called for the guys to join us at the table. I got a bottle of juice out of the fridge and poured us all a glass. I sat down and tapped the side of my glass.

  “I want to make a toast to Stephen. Here’s to being home.” We all clinked glasses.

  “Here, here.” The three of them repeated.

  Lunch was fantastic. I was full, but the other three continued to each until it was all gone. Mind you, Nicole did cook for an army when she made a meal. You know just in case we had unexpected visitors Derek in particular. That man could eat.

  “So I was thinking that I would take the room upstairs for a while until Stephen got better. I don’t want him walking up the stairs or sleeping on the couch.” Nicole said between mouthfuls.

  “Oh you don’t have to do that Nicole. I’m sure I would manage.” Stephen said.

  “It’s OK. Seriously. I could help Derek change around the rooms this afternoon. No big deal, right Derek?” Nicole said looking at Derek.

  “It sounds like a good idea. I will get onto it.” Derek smiled.

  While I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, Derek and Nicole got to work on changing the rooms around. Stephen asked to be helped outside to the porch swing once lunch was over, so he was sitting out there. After the last dish was put away, I head out the side to join him. He smiled when I approached him and tapped the seat beside him.

  I sat down as gently as I could, so the swing wouldn’t take off. I placed my hand on Stephen, and we sat watching the cars drive up and down the street.

  “So I hear you and Damon are getting serious.” Stephen said turning towards me.

  “I guess,” I say then remembering something. “Damon has been staying here lately, and I wanted to know if you were okay with it.”

  “Of course Savannah. You’re happy. I haven’t seen you like this in years. You’ve changed, and it’s a good one. I like Damon; I know he will treat you right,” Stephen grabbed my hand tighter when he spoke. “I want you to be happy, and he makes you happy. It’s OK by me. I’m actually looking forward to getting to know him better. Derek tells me a lot, and Nicole has said some stuff too. But I want to see it for myself. Not that I live here again it will be easier for that to happen.”

  “I’m so glad your home.” I said leaning my head onto his shoulder.

  Stephen relaxed than sighed. We resumed out looking to the street.

  After a few minutes, Stephen said, “yeah, me too.”

  Chapter 14

  Six weeks later………

  The past six weeks have been busy! And I mean, flat out, go to sleep at night without dreaming, always tired, busy……..

  Stephen started Physio, rehab and anger management all within the second week of coming home, so every day is filled with appointments or drop offs and pick-ups. I feel like a mother dropping her child off to school and coming back eight hours later. Stephen has been pretty well behaved I must say, well….. Apart from one night when I went out on a romantic date with Damon, only to come home and find Derek and Stephen drunk. I flew off the handle, but they haven’t done it since. Stephen is getting around without crutches, and he and Nicole have switched rooms again.

  He endured a lot of pain to begin with. It was horrible to watch and not being able to do anything. This is half the reason why I think him and Derek went off and got hammered. I goggled therapeutic ways to help with pain relief and that seems to work. Mind you I can’t suggest it when other people are around because Stephen feels like a “pansy”, so he states.

  Stephen has been making significant progress in his group sessions; I get feedback every week, and so does Carter. We still have regular contact with him, which is a little weird. He’s overly friendly to me, even with Damon around. This has put a little tension in the air between me and Damon at times, but it’s forgotten with lots of reassurance.

  All Stephen’s drug tests have come back clear which is a relief. I don’t doubt my brother, but I still worry. I can only imagine how hard it can be to be addicted to something, then have it all taken from you. All temptation, gone. But then when the temptation comes back……. You just never know.

  Stephen and Damon have had many conversations, and according to Stephen “I’ve found a keeper,” Damon still doesn’t know the story behind Stephen, and I am not ready to talk about it yet. I had words to everybody else about it, and they have all agreed that I will talk about it when the time is right.

  Derek, Stephen and I went through the renovations a few weeks back, and I have hired a builder, renovations start in a few weeks which I am looking forward to. The part I’m not looking forward to is moving into Derek’s, even though it’s only temporally Angel came back a few weeks ago, and of course Derek took her back. She had no explanation for where she had been or what she had been doing which I found strange. Something just didn’t sit right with me there, I had a feeling something was going on but couldn’t put my finger on what.

  Nicole has this beautiful baby bump happening, okay well it’s more like a basketball happening. She is getting so big, so quick. This week she is nineteen weeks. Almost half way. Between me, Damon, Derek and Stephen we have arranged cots, a pram, clothes, nappies, bouncers, bottles etc. We didn’t want Nicole stressing over any of that. Her problems with her parents have gotten worse, they decided they didn’t want to have a daughter who wouldn’t marry the man who “knocked her up,” so to speak and now won’t talk to her or support her. That hurt Nicole pretty bad, so we all pulled together and sat her down for a house hold chat. Nicole cried, we all hugged. “All day sickness” has come back, and all she does these days is eat, puke and sleep.

  Stan still hasn’t made contact with anyone. I never expected it from him. He loved Nicole; well that’s what I thought. His parents back to Nicole on a regular basis though, they have offered her money, and his mother has offered to be present for the birth of the babies and stay afterwards. Nicole has told her she would think about it. But with the conversations I have had with Nicole, she doesn’t like her there for the birth, but wouldn’t deny her, her grandchildren.

  She gave up her job but does work for Damon from home. He offered her a job doing his daily work and spread sheets. Which she enjoys, and it works out surprisingly good for her.

  As for me and Damon…… we are committed. After his little comment, I thought he would elaborate, but he never and I didn’t ask what he was thinking. Nicole has asked me a few times if I have said the “L” word yet, and I haven’t. It’s almost slipped a few times, but I haven’t said it. Trust me, I feel it…. every day it gets stronger. With my life being so busy lately, Damon and I haven’t had much time to ourselves, apart from an odd date here and there. He has however, been staying at my house three times a week. By the time
it comes to bed time, I craving his touch and my want and need from him these days is so strong.

  I only have to think about him, and I get moist and gooey. The sex is fantastic; I find that I am a lot more confident around him but still get shy or squeamish when it comes to certain things. I started the pill a week after Stephen got out of hospital, my worst fear was putting on weight, but being so busy I haven’t had the chance to eat three meals a day, so I think it's evening out that little issue. I get flowers at least once a week, with memorable little notes attached to them. My room is full of dried flowers that I just can’t seem to get rid of. Damon teases me every time he stays over.

  We still haven’t labelled what we are, back at the start of our “whatever,” I thought he wanted to label it, then when I did he didn’t. And now we are just going with the flow. When we are asked what we are we both kind of look at each other for some sort of answer. In the end people just get the hint or they call us “bed buddies,” Mind you I know it’s something stronger than that. The last few weeks, sex has been so intense, meaning full if you would call it that……

  I turned down the job Damon offered me at his work. I have had a few interviews for office jobs but haven’t heard anything yet. Rob Thomas did offer me a reception job at his lawyers firm. He said my parents would be so happy if I took him up on his offer. I have been thinking about it, but it would be so weird working with Carter after everything. Rob has been in regular contact since he heard about Stephen getting out.

  Today we are hosting a sizeable dinner at our house to celebrate the new things happening in our lives. With the house renovations coming up soon, we won’t have as much room at Derek’s. I spent the morning out shopping for tonight with Nicole. Derek and Stephen are at home cleaning the barn and doing that service finally on my baby. Which I miss driving…… Nicole got a new car; she has a Mazda which is spacious enough for the babies to fit in the back when they come along.