A Story

by William Makepeace Thackeray

paused awhile, and looked into Mrs. Score's face, as for one more

  chance. "Get out, you nasty trull!" said that lady, sternly, with

  arms akimbo; and poor Catherine, with a most piteous scream and

  outgush of tears, let go of the door-post and staggered away into

  the road.

  * * *

  "Why, no--yes--no--it is poor Catherine Hall, as I live!" said

  somebody, starting up, shoving aside Mrs. Score very rudely, and

  running into the road, wig off and pipe in hand. It was honest

  Doctor Dobbs; and the result of his interview with Mrs. Cat was,

  that he gave up for ever smoking his pipe at the "Bugle;" and that

  she lay sick of a fever for some weeks in his house.

  * * *

  Over this part of Mrs. Cat's history we shall be as brief as

  possible; for, to tell the truth, nothing immoral occurred during

  her whole stay at the good Doctor's house; and we are not going to

  insult the reader by offering him silly pictures of piety,

  cheerfulness, good sense, and simplicity; which are milk-and-water

  virtues after all, and have no relish with them like a good strong

  vice, highly peppered. Well, to be short: Doctor Dobbs, though a

  profound theologian, was a very simple gentleman; and before Mrs.

  Cat had been a month in the house, he had learned to look upon her

  as one of the most injured and repentant characters in the world;

  and had, with Mrs. Dobbs, resolved many plans for the future welfare

  of the young Magdalen. "She was but sixteen, my love, recollect,"

  said the Doctor; "she was carried off, not by her own wish either.

  The Count swore he would marry her; and, though she did not leave

  him until that monster tried to poison her, yet think what a fine

  Christian spirit the poor girl has shown! she forgives him as

  heartily--more heartily, I am sure, than I do Mrs. Score for turning

  her adrift in that wicked way." The reader will perceive some

  difference in the Doctor's statement and ours, which we assure him

  is the true one; but the fact is, the honest rector had had his tale

  from Mrs. Cat, and it was not in his nature to doubt, if she had

  told him a history ten times more wonderful.

  The reverend gentleman and his wife then laid their heads together;

  and, recollecting something of John Hayes's former attachment to

  Mrs. Cat, thought that it might be advantageously renewed, should

  Hayes be still constant. Having very adroitly sounded Catherine (so

  adroitly, indeed, as to ask her "whether she would like to marry

  John Hayes?"), that young woman had replied, "No. She had loved

  John Hayes--he had been her early, only love; but she was fallen

  now, and not good enough for him." And this made the Dobbs family

  admire her more and more, and cast about for means to bring the

  marriage to pass.

  Hayes was away from the village when Mrs. Cat had arrived there; but

  he did not fail to hear of her illness, and how her aunt had

  deserted her, and the good Doctor taken her in. The worthy Doctor

  himself met Mr. Hayes on the green; and, telling him that some

  repairs were wanting in his kitchen begged him to step in and

  examine them. Hayes first said no, plump, and then no, gently; and

  then pished, and then psha'd; and then, trembling very much, went

  in: and there sat Mrs. Catherine, trembling very much too.

  What passed between them? If your Ladyship is anxious to know,

  think of that morning when Sir John himself popped the question.

  Could there be anything more stupid than the conversation which took

  place? Such stuff is not worth repeating: no, not when uttered by

  people in the very genteelest of company; as for the amorous

  dialogue of a carpenter and an ex-barmaid, it is worse still.

  Suffice it to say, that Mr. Hayes, who had had a year to recover

  from his passion, and had, to all appearances, quelled it, was over

  head and ears again the very moment he saw Mrs. Cat, and had all his

  work to do again.

  Whether the Doctor knew what was going on, I can't say; but this

  matter is certain, that every evening Hayes was now in the rectory

  kitchen, or else walking abroad with Mrs. Catherine: and whether

  she ran away with him, or he with her, I shall not make it my

  business to inquire; but certainly at the end of three months (which

  must be crowded up into this one little sentence), another elopement

  took place in the village. "I should have prevented it, certainly,"

  said Doctor Dobbs--whereat his wife smiled; "but the young people

  kept the matter a secret from me." And so he would, had he known

  it; but though Mrs. Dobbs had made several attempts to acquaint him

  with the precise hour and method of the intended elopement, he

  peremptorily ordered her to hold her tongue. The fact is, that the

  matter had been discussed by the rector's lady many times. "Young

  Hayes," would she say "has a pretty little fortune and trade of his

  own; he is an only son, and may marry as he likes; and, though not

  specially handsome, generous, or amiable, has an undeniable love for

  Cat (who, you know, must not be particular), and the sooner she

  marries him, I think, the better. They can't be married at our

  church you know, and--" "Well," said the Doctor, "if they are

  married elsewhere, I can't help it, and know nothing about it, look

  you." And upon this hint the elopement took place: which, indeed,

  was peaceably performed early one Sunday morning about a month

  after; Mrs. Hall getting behind Mr. Hayes on a pillion, and all the

  children of the parsonage giggling behind the window-blinds to see

  the pair go off.

  During this month Mr. Hayes had caused the banns to be published at

  the town of Worcester; judging rightly that in a great town they

  would cause no such remark as in a solitary village, and thither he

  conducted his lady. O ill-starred John Hayes! whither do the dark

  Fates lead you? O foolish Doctor Dobbs, to forget that young people

  ought to honour their parents, and to yield to silly Mrs. Dobbs's

  ardent propensity for making matches!

  * * *

  The London Gazette of the 1st April, 1706, contains a proclamation

  by the Queen for putting into execution an Act of Parliament for the

  encouragement and increase of seamen, and for the better and

  speedier manning of Her Majesty's fleet, which authorises all

  justices to issue warrants to constables, petty constables,

  headboroughs, and tything-men, to enter and, if need be, to break

  open the doors of any houses where they shall believe deserting

  seamen to be; and for the further increase and encouragement of the

  navy, to take able-bodied landsmen when seamen fail. This Act,

  which occupies four columns of the Gazette, and another of similar

  length and meaning for pressing men into the army, need not be

  quoted at length here; but caused a mighty stir throughout the

  kingdom at the time when it was in force.

  As one has seen or heard, after the march of a great army, a number

  of rogues and loose charact
ers bring up the rear; in like manner, at

  the tail of a great measure of State, follow many roguish personal

  interests, which are protected by the main body. The great measure

  of Reform, for instance, carried along with it much private jobbing

  and swindling--as could be shown were we not inclined to deal mildly

  with the Whigs; and this Enlistment Act, which, in order to maintain

  the British glories in Flanders, dealt most cruelly with the British

  people in England (it is not the first time that a man has been

  pinched at home to make a fine appearance abroad), created a great

  company of rascals and informers throughout the land, who lived upon

  it; or upon extortion from those who were subject to it, or not

  being subject to it were frightened into the belief that they were.

  When Mr. Hayes and his lady had gone through the marriage ceremony

  at Worcester, the former, concluding that at such a place lodging

  and food might be procured at a cheaper rate, looked about carefully

  for the meanest public-house in the town, where he might deposit his

  bride.

  In the kitchen of this inn, a party of men were drinking; and, as

  Mrs. Hayes declined, with a proper sense of her superiority, to eat

  in company with such low fellows, the landlady showed her and her

  husband to an inner apartment, where they might be served in

  private.

  The kitchen party seemed, indeed, not such as a lady would choose to

  join. There was one huge lanky fellow, that looked like a soldier,

  and had a halberd; another was habited in a sailor's costume, with a

  fascinating patch over one eye; and a third, who seemed the leader

  of the gang, was a stout man in a sailor's frock and a horseman's

  jack-boots, whom one might fancy, if he were anything, to be a

  horse-marine.

  Of one of these worthies, Mrs. Hayes thought she knew the figure and

  voice; and she found her conjectures were true, when, all of sudden,

  three people, without "With your leave," or "By your leave," burst

  into the room, into which she and her spouse had retired. At their

  head was no other than her old friend, Mr. Peter Brock; he had his

  sword drawn, and his finger to his lips, enjoining silence, as it

  were, to Mrs. Catherine. He with the patch on his eye seized

  incontinently on Mr. Hayes; the tall man with the halberd kept the

  door; two or three heroes supported the one-eyed man; who, with a

  loud voice, exclaimed, "Down with your arms--no resistance! you are

  my prisoner, in the Queen's name!"

  And here, at this lock, we shall leave the whole company until the

  next chapter; which may possibly explain what they were.

  CHAPTER V. CONTAINS MR. BROCK'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY, AND OTHER MATTERS.

  "You don't sure believe these men?" said Mrs. Hayes, as soon as the

  first alarm caused by the irruption of Mr. Brock and his companions

  had subsided. "These are no magistrate's men: it is but a trick to

  rob you of your money, John."

  "I will never give up a farthing of it!" screamed Hayes.

  "Yonder fellow," continued Mrs. Catherine, "I know, for all his

  drawn sword and fierce looks; his name is---"

  "Wood, madam, at your service!" said Mr. Brock. "I am follower to

  Mr. Justice Gobble, of this town: a'n't I, Tim?" said Mr. Brock to

  the tall halberdman who was keeping the door.

  "Yes indeed," said Tim, archly; "we're all followers of his honour

  Justice Gobble."

  "Certainly!" said the one-eyed man.

  "Of course!" cried the man in the nightcap.

  "I suppose, madam, you're satisfied NOW?" continued Mr. Brock, alias

  Wood. "You can't deny the testimony of gentlemen like these; and

  our commission is to apprehend all able-bodied male persons who can

  give no good account of themselves, and enrol them in the service of

  Her Majesty. Look at this Mr. Hayes" (who stood trembling in his

  shoes). "Can there be a bolder, properer, straighter gentleman?

  We'll have him for a grenadier before the day's over!"

  "Take heart, John--don't be frightened. Psha! I tell you I know the

  man" cried out Mrs. Hayes: "he is only here to extort money."

  "Oh, for that matter, I DO think I recollect the lady. Let me see;

  where was it? At Birmingham, I think,--ay, at Birmingham,--about

  the time when they tried to murder Count Gal--"

  "Oh, sir!" here cried Madam Hayes, dropping her voice at once from a

  tone of scorn to one of gentlest entreaty, "what is it you want with

  my husband? I know not, indeed, if ever I saw you before. For what

  do you seize him? How much will you take to release him, and let us

  go? Name the sum; he is rich, and--"

  "RICH, Catherine!" cried Hayes. "Rich!--O heavens! Sir, I have

  nothing but my hands to support me: I am a poor carpenter, sir,

  working under my father!"

  "He can give twenty guineas to be free; I know he can!" said Mrs.

  Cat.

  "I have but a guinea to carry me home," sighed out Hayes.

  "But you have twenty at home, John," said his wife. "Give these

  brave gentlemen a writing to your mother, and she will pay; and you

  will let us free then, gentlemen--won't you?"

  "When the money's paid, yes," said the leader, Mr. Brock.

  "Oh, in course," echoed the tall man with the halberd. "What's a

  thrifling detintion, my dear?" continued he, addressing Hayes.

  "We'll amuse you in your absence, and drink to the health of your

  pretty wife here."

  This promise, to do the halberdier justice, he fulfilled. He called

  upon the landlady to produce the desired liquor; and when Mr. Hayes

  flung himself at that lady's feet, demanding succour from her, and

  asking whether there was no law in the land--

  "There's no law at the 'Three Rooks' except THIS!" said Mr. Brock in

  reply, holding up a horse-pistol. To which the hostess, grinning,

  assented, and silently went her way.

  After some further solicitations, John Hayes drew out the necessary

  letter to his father, stating that he was pressed, and would not be

  set free under a sum of twenty guineas; and that it would be of no

  use to detain the bearer of the letter, inasmuch as the gentlemen

  who had possession of him vowed that they would murder him should

  any harm befall their comrade. As a further proof of the

  authenticity of the letter, a token was added: a ring that Hayes

  wore, and that his mother had given him.

  The missives were, after some consultation, entrusted to the care of

  the tall halberdier, who seemed to rank as second in command of the

  forces that marched under Corporal Brock. This gentleman was called

  indifferently Ensign, Mr., or even Captain Macshane; his intimates

  occasionally in sport called him Nosey, from the prominence of that

  feature in his countenance; or Spindleshins, for the very reason

  which brought on the first Edward a similar nickname. Mr. Macshane

  then quitted Worcester, mounted on Hayes's horse; leaving all

  parties at the "Three Rooks" not a little anxious for his return.

  This was not to be expected until the next morning; and a weary nuit

  de noces did Mr. Hayes pass. Dinner was served,
and, according to

  promise, Mr. Brock and his two friends enjoyed the meal along with

  the bride and bridegroom. Punch followed, and this was taken in

  company; then came supper. Mr. Brock alone partook of this, the

  other two gentlemen preferring the society of their pipes and the

  landlady in the kitchen.

  "It is a sorry entertainment, I confess," said the ex-corporal, "and

  a dismal way for a gentleman to spend his bridal night; but somebody

  must stay with you, my dears: for who knows but you might take a

  fancy to scream out of window, and then there would be murder, and

  the deuce and all to pay. One of us must stay, and my friends love

  a pipe, so you must put up with my company until they can relieve

  guard."

  The reader will not, of course, expect that three people who were to

  pass the night, however unwillingly, together in an inn-room, should

  sit there dumb and moody, and without any personal communication; on

  the contrary, Mr. Brock, as an old soldier, entertained his

  prisoners with the utmost courtesy, and did all that lay in his

  power, by the help of liquor and conversation, to render their

  durance tolerable. On the bridegroom his attentions were a good

  deal thrown away: Mr. Hayes consented to drink copiously, but could

  not be made to talk much; and, in fact, the fright of the seizure,

  the fate hanging over him should his parents refuse a ransom, and

  the tremendous outlay of money which would take place should they

  accede to it, weighed altogether on his mind so much as utterly to

  unman it.

  As for Mrs. Cat, I don't think she was at all sorry in her heart to

  see the old Corporal: for he had been a friend of old times--dear

  times to her; she had had from him, too, and felt for him, not a

  little kindness; and there was really a very tender, innocent

  friendship subsisting between this pair of rascals, who relished

  much a night's conversation together.

  The Corporal, after treating his prisoners to punch in great

  quantities, proposed the amusement of cards: over which Mr. Hayes

  had not been occupied more than an hour, when he found himself so

  excessively sleepy as to be persuaded to fling himself down on the

  bed dressed as he was, and there to snore away until morning.

  Mrs. Catherine had no inclination for sleep; and the Corporal,

  equally wakeful, plied incessantly the bottle, and held with her a

  great deal of conversation. The sleep, which was equivalent to the

  absence, of John Hayes took all restraint from their talk. She

  explained to Brock the circumstances of her marriage, which we have

  already described; they wondered at the chance which had brought

  them together at the "Three Rooks;" nor did Brock at all hesitate to

  tell her at once that his calling was quite illegal, and that his

  intention was simply to extort money. The worthy Corporal had not

  the slightest shame regarding his own profession, and cut many jokes

  with Mrs. Cat about her late one; her attempt to murder the Count,

  and her future prospects as a wife.

  And here, having brought him upon the scene again, we may as well

  shortly narrate some of the principal circumstances which befell him

  after his sudden departure from Birmingham; and which he narrated

  with much candour to Mrs. Catherine.

  He rode the Captain's horse to Oxford (having exchanged his military

  dress for a civil costume on the road), and at Oxford he disposed of

  "George of Denmark," a great bargain, to one of the heads of

  colleges. As soon as Mr. Brock, who took on himself the style and

  title of Captain Wood, had sufficiently examined the curiosities of

  the University, he proceeded at once to the capital: the only place

  for a gentleman of his fortune and figure.

  Here he read, with a great deal of philosophical indifference, in

  the Daily Post, the Courant, the Observator, the Gazette, and the

  chief journals of those days, which he made a point of examining at