15 years to life

by Regina Bartley

  God, she was adorable.

  I’d been waiting patiently to make my move with her. Well, maybe not. I wasn’t exactly winning an award for my not-so-patient patience, if that makes sense. I could barely contain myself when I was alone in a room with her. I was fighting myself on the inside to keep from touching her. Every. Single. Day. I fantasized about what I’d do to her, if I could.

  This day was no different.

  When I walked into the bar, it only took a second for me to spot her. Being the tallest person in the room had its advantages. She had her back propped up against the bar, and she was tapping her pencil to the beat of the music. She must have felt me staring, because her eyes found me almost instantly. They locked in on me, and she smiled. For the first time ever I was able to hold her gaze, to keep my eyes completely fixed on hers. My stomach did this weird flip flopping thing, and my body tingled all the way to my toes. Could she feel it too? Was I crazy? Her teeth clenched tightly to her bottom lip, and there was something eerily dark in her eyes. The soft green color was gone, and was replaced by a dark emerald color. My whole body grew tighter, and harder. I’d never felt more alive.

  She’s mine.

  I stalked over to her, not giving a damn who I trampled on to get there.

  Without saying a word, I pulled the clipboard from her hands and tossed it onto the bar behind her. There was still only silence between us, unless she could hear my heart. It was beating hard against my chest. I took her tiny little hand in mine and led her down the hallway to her office. My one-track mind had taken over, and all I wanted was her. Now. It never crossed my mind that I wouldn’t know what to do with her once I had her.

  “Brian.” I heard her speak softly behind me.

  I pulled her into her closet sized office, and drew her body into mine as close as I could get it.

  “What…” She started to say something. I didn’t know what she was about to say, and I didn’t give her time.

  There was a blazing heat between our bodies, and my head was a fuzzy mess. The oxygen was pouring from the room, and she was one thing that could help me breathe. I had to have her.

  I inched in closely and barely touched my lips to hers. I was trying to be easy. Her lips were soft just like I knew they would be, and she smelled so good. I couldn’t hold back. I needed more, and fast. She tasted as good as a last meal on death row.

  Her lips moved against mine. She was kissing me back. My girl was kissing me back.

  My hands… I didn’t know what to do with my hands. I was desperate and wild for her. I pushed her back against the wall and kissed the life out of her. I wanted to take all of her right there. Her body felt too damn good. Her skin was as soft as my bed sheets, and she had the greatest curves I’d ever felt. I wanted to touch her so many different places that my hands were all over the place. I couldn’t feel her fast enough.

  Her hands moved to the front of my chest, and then I felt a hard shove. Our lips broke apart, and my whole body froze up.

  “Stop Brian.” She said as I tried to get close to her once more.

  The fuck.

  Her big eyes were filled with fear. I’d screwed up.

  “Did I hurt you? I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry.”

  She was so tiny, and I was man handling her like a wild beast. I didn’t know how to be gentle. I sighed. Truth was, I didn’t know how to do anything.

  “I have a boyfriend Brian. We’re crossing the lines. I can’t do this.” She rambled. “This can never happen again.” She was serious as she pressed her fingertips to her lips.

  “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I swear I didn’t mean to be so rough.” I took a step forward and she flinched.

  Ouch!

  “You didn’t.”

  “Well I don’t believe this is about some boyfriend. You kissed me back.” I could feel the anger building inside me.

  “I shouldn’t have done that. We can’t do this. I can’t do this.” She turned and practically ran from the room.

  She left me standing there mad as hell with nothing but some lame ass boyfriend excuse, and an ache in my pants.

  I growled and ran my hands back and forth over my head. It was going to be a long night, a very long night.

  Madeline avoided me around every corner, and I could feel myself getting madder. A good run would’ve done me some good. I hadn’t been this angry since jail. Not even when I was mad at Blaine the other day. This was different.

  There was a time back when I was locked up that I felt similar. It took me years to get through the stage of regret, but once I did I was angry with myself for the longest time. At the time I was angry because I’d taken myself away from Blaine, and I couldn’t protect her anymore. That same jacked up feeling was washing over me as I stood there at the end of the bar.

  I swallowed the massive size lump in my throat.

  Blaine asked me several times if I was okay, and I brushed it off. I tried hard to act like nothing was bothering me, but I’m sure that the emotion showed on my face. This just wasn’t the time or the place to talk about it.

  I fought off the panic several times as I stood there replaying her running out of the room over and over. I counted the steps it took to get from the bar to the stage and back again. I counted the number of neon lights that lit up the room. It helped a little. I hated those stupid attacks on my brain. No matter how strong my body was, my brain was like an infant that had no strength to fight back. It made me feel helpless. The anger is what brought it on. If I were overly emotional, it would make it a hundred times worse. This was worse.

  Three.

  Four.

  Five.

  I took a deep breath. It was helping.

  As the bar became busier, I didn’t have to worry so much about panicking. I was in full-blown working mode, and my mind stayed busy. I just needed to get my job done and go home.

  There were four girls serving tonight since it was Friday, and all of them wore neon green shirts. The logo shirts were brilliant for nights like these, because I could easily spot them in the crowd. With only two of us working security, and this crazy crowd, I didn’t want anyone slipping through the cracks.

  The music was blaring through the speakers and people seemed to be having a hell of time. It was a pretty good night from where I was standing. I’d only had to escort one drunken idiot to the door, and he made my job easy. He took one look at me and nearly fell down twice trying to rush out the door. No one was harmed thank goodness. Madeline gave me a silent head nod at my job well done, but that was it. She quickly ran off in a direction that wasn’t anywhere near me. Go figure. Running seemed to be something she was good at.

  When I rounded the corner back beside the bar I noticed an older guy with his hands on Amelia’s (one of the servers) ass. When I moved in for a closer look I saw her shove him hard in the chest. He stumbled backwards into a crowd of guys. They were all laughing and pushing on him. They acted like a bunch of heathens.

  “Good girl.” I whispered.

  Just when I thought the situation was handled, I realized I was dead wrong. When the old man steadied himself, he reached for and grabbed the girl’s hair that was tied at the back of her head. He had a hard hold on her. I saw her head moving with every jerk of his hand. The guys behind him were cheering him on. I pushed and shoved the people in front of me, but stopped just short when I saw the girl being pushed to her knees.

  There had to be fire coming from every opening in my body. That was all it took. My vision was black as night and I was going to kill that bastard.

  He already had her head pulled up tightly to the front of his pants before I got to them.

  It all happened so fast. I had him onto the ground in seconds. I counted the punches as they landed hard against his face.

  One.

  Two.

  Three.

  People were trying to stop me. I could feel them, but they were no matches for me. I shoved them back and kept punching.

  Eager to feel the familiar
pain in my fists, I punched again. His body thrashed around on the ground.

  All I could hear was my sister screaming. “Please don’t hit me again daddy.” So I punched him harder. It was my father lying limp beneath me, and I couldn’t stop. Each punch made me feel ten pounds lighter. No one could stop me. I’d never let that fucker hurt her again.

  When the ringing in my ears stopped, I heard my name being screamed from behind me. The sweat from my forehead was running down into my eyes and I couldn’t see anyone anymore. My body was limp, but I still had fuel left in my arms so I swung towards the ground again, and I felt the familiar burn when my knuckles made contact.

  “Brian! Brian! Bubba!” I caught wind of my sister’s voice. “Stop Bubba please!” Her words wrapped tightly around my chest as I backed away. I could feel the pinch as her fingers gripped my arm just above my elbow.

  I blinked several times until her face came into view. Her blue eyes were wide, and there were tearstains on her cheeks.

  Then I saw Madeline.

  Oh God. What had I done? My arms hung limp at my sides.

  Then I looked down at the pool of blood where the man laid; the man that was not my father. I didn’t know him at all. Fear crept up inside me. He looked lifeless, and the need to vomit rose high in my throat.

  “Get out of here now! Blaine take him home.” Madeline screamed, and the sound of police cars grew louder. My chin dropped to my chest, and I shook my head in disgust.

  “Let’s go.” Blaine yelled at me. I didn’t know if I could get my feet to move, until the police sirens sounded like they were right outside on the curb. I had to run. The two of us rushed out the back entrance and into the parking lot. “Hurry.” Blaine called out to me.

  We jumped into the car and sped away from the bar. I could see the blue flashing lights coming from behind us. It was like a nightmare that had come to life. I rocked back and forth in the passenger seat and counted each time my spine hit the seat. “I’m going back. They’re going to take me back.” The sudden fear took my breath away. My throat was closing up fast. I tried to do the breathing that the doctor told me to do, but it wasn’t working.

  The car came to a quick stop, but I didn’t realize that we were in the driveway until my door swung open.

  A hard smack to the face brought me back to reality. “Snap the fuck out of it.” Blaine looked at me harshly. “Come on. We have to get you cleaned up.”

  That was the first time that I’d noticed all the blood. I clenched my eyes shut tightly, and the flashbacks came flooding in.

  Chapter Twelve- Past

  I’d made up my mind. Since no one was going to help us, then I was going to kill my father. It wasn’t a decision that I felt like I had any choice in. And if I could choose, I’d still do it. He decided his fate.

  Blaine couldn’t lie on her back for two days. She also couldn’t see out of her right eye where his belt caught the side of her face. She was screaming out to me, but I couldn’t get to her. The bathroom door wouldn’t open. Something was stopping it. It couldn’t be locked from the other side, so something had to have been pushed up against it. I had to break the tiny bathroom window to get out. By the time I got to her, it was too late. He’d beat her half to death. That feeling of seeing her like that was haunting. It tore my heart to pieces. She needed a doctor, and that man needed to die.

  I cried for her. She was so helpless. I couldn’t even touch her to let her know I was there, because if he caught me he might’ve hit her again. I sat hidden under the kitchen table just a few feet away, and watched her. She was asleep. She wasn’t dead. Her chest was moving slowly. The tears kept rolling down my face. I was so angry inside, but the tears still fell. As soon as my father walked down the hall and closed his bedroom door, I ran for her. I touched her lightly so that I didn’t hurt her, and called out her name, but she didn’t answer. She didn’t move. I buried my head into her stomach. I couldn’t hold back the sobs.

  Through choked up breaths I recited our promise.

  “I promise that some day he will be out of our lives for good. We will stick together forever, and one day there will be no more pain. I love you.”

  I knew what I had to do. Our father was going to die, and I was going to be the one to kill him.

  Chapter Thirteen- Present

  Blaine doused me with cold water from the hose outside, and she gave me a little white pill to take from her medicine cabinet. I didn’t know what it was, but in a short amount of time it made me feel one hundred percent better. It was some good stuff.

  Somewhere in the midst of the fight, someone had cut me. It wasn’t too deep, but ran from my elbow to my wrist. It wouldn’t stop bleeding though. Blaine bandaged me up, and put some cream on it. She said that it would keep away the infection. With her help I was good as new, on the outside anyway.

  I was feeling like I was in a distant haze when the police finally showed up at our door. I knew that it was only a matter of time. They weren’t going to let me go free that easily.

  Blaine opened the door to let them in. Madeline walked in behind them with a frightened look on her face. She only glanced at me once and then looked back to the floor. She was upset, and I couldn’t blame her. I made a mess of everything.

  “Brian McCrary.” The officer said.

  This was it. It only took one screw up for me to go back to prison and finish my sentence.

  “We need to ask you a few questions. Lets step outside.”

  “Yes sir.” I answered calmly, even though inside I was pretty fucking nervous. I followed them outside, and answered everything they asked.

  The cops were thorough with their questions, and I was completely cooperative. Thanks again to the miracle pill Blaine had given me. The cops explained that the man was going to be fine, but Amelia was pressing charges against him for assault. My story matched hers, and I was relieved to find out that she had told them that I saved her from being raped. Several eyewitnesses had confirmed it. I don’t know how true that was, but I went along with it. What really saved me was the knife wound. That was considered assault with a deadly weapon and I had every right to defend myself. It was rolling in my favor. I was one lucky SOB, because as the cops left they told me to let them handle the situation next time. Just like that, I was still a free man.

  Madeline stood as still as a statue in the doorway. Her arms were crossed over her chest. She didn’t speak, Blaine didn’t speak, and I didn’t dare open my mouth. A few grueling minutes passed, and I was about to leave the room. But I knew what had to be done first. “I’m sorry.” I said, and I was. I was sorry for the whole night and every crappy thing that had happened.

  She nodded her head. I guess that was her way of accepting it. I wasn’t expecting what she said next. “Take a week off from work. I don’t want to see you back until next Friday. And…” She paused. “Don’t ever fucking do that again.” There was hurt in her eyes as she quickly left. Don’t ever fight again? Don’t ever kiss her again? What the hell did she mean? I assumed she meant “don’t” to all the above.

  Blaine looked at me, and I at her. We were speechless. I couldn’t believe she was letting me keep my job after what I’d done. Obviously by the look on Blaine’s face, she couldn’t believe it either.

  I rocked back and forth on my heels, but I couldn’t find any words. I walked back to Blaine’s room, lay on top of the sheets, and hoped that I could fall asleep fast. Tonight the demon that lingered inside me, showed his ugly face. He was uncontrollable. As bad as it scared me, I knew that it scared everyone around me more. One little incident was all it took to release it. What if it had been worse, and I had killed the man? I didn’t want them to be scared of me. It would kill me if Blaine felt unsafe.

  My stomach lurched, and I made it to the bathroom just in time to empty my stomach. It wasn’t the first time that I’d wished it would all end for me. My life was one big out of control mess. There was no fixing me.

  “They should have left me in that hell h
ole.” I said as I lay my head down onto the cool tile of the bathroom floor and slept.

  ∞

  A couple of days had passed and I had retreated back to sir-fix-a-lot. I was the master with the tool belt, kind of. That’s what I told myself anyway. I had to find something to do to keep from moping around feeling sorry for myself.

  When I heard Blaine’s car pull into the driveway, I hurried to pick up the scattered tools off the kitchen floor. She was one nail away from hammering my head. Mostly because I was digging around for things to fix, and I was pretty sure that the phone was never going to work again after I played handy man on it. It went from fuzzy to nothing. Good thing she didn’t use it much.

  I flashed her my sweetest smile when she walked through the door.

  “What did you do now?” She tossed her bag on the couch.

  “Nothing.” I smiled again.

  “I’m not talking about here. What’s going on with you and Maddie? I wasn’t gonna say anything, but she looks as bad as you.”

  “Really?”

  “That’s not a good thing Bubba. You look like shit and I know you’re not sleeping.” She scowled when she walked past me to the kitchen. She poured two glasses of ice water, but never stopped talking. “I knew something was up Friday night at the bar. I could tell. You were acting weird and so was she. Then that whole my guns are bigger than yours fight, and the look on her face, there was no disguising it.”

  There was no way I could hide things from her, but I didn’t really feel like talking about it either. “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you how bad I screwed up, so that you can lecture me?” I groaned.

  “No. Geez, Brian. I just wanted you to talk to me. The tension in this house is thick, and it’s not supposed to feel like that here. We are supposed to be best friends. I got your back, and you got mine, remember?” She pushed the screen door open and walked out onto the front porch.