15 years to life

by Regina Bartley

  Since I’ve been taking my medicine, I don’t seem to be having my severe dreams. At least not the ones that make me scream out. I think Sutton is grateful for that because he thought I was dying the last time it happened. He poured a cup of cold water on my head. It was a messy night. You would have laughed your ass off.

  I miss hearing your laugh. It makes me kind of depressed that I don’t get to talk to you, and hear your voice. I can’t wait for that part of the process. It starts next week. So I will be calling you soon. Don’t have too much fun without me.

  Your favorite Bubba,

  Brian

  Week Four:

  I get to call you in two days. I hope you’re taking off work because I plan on talking to you for hours. I’m really excited, if you can’t tell.

  I officially made it through my first week at my new job. It went great. Nothing bit me, and my new boss said I did a great job. I think she likes me. And not like that!! She’s in her sixties. She’s cool for an older chick though. You’d like her. She says really hip things, like you. And by hip, I mean only things that girls’ say, things that no man ever should repeat.

  I know that I always fill these letters with the good things, and never the bad, but my doctor said I should start being more open and honest with you about how I feel. I thought I was doing a good job of it, but I guess not. So from now on you have to hear the sucky part of my week too.

  This week I still cannot drive. I’m not kidding when I say that either. I can’t get the hang of it. It’s confusing, and I’ve nearly killed my passenger twice now. It’s not fun. It makes me really angry when I can’t get it, because I seem to be doing so good at everything else. I’m doing good enough to make you proud. I’m just not a driver. I guess I’ll be walking for the rest of my life. I’m not even sure that they’ll give me another chance to try, or that I even want to. It sucks!

  I know I say this every time, but I miss you.

  Sending all my love,

  Bubba

  P.S. I think I want a puppy.

  Week Five:

  Dear Blaine,

  I don’t know why I am still writing every week, since I can actually talk to you on the phone. It’s like therapy I guess. It was so good to hear your voice. I can’t believe everything that’s been happening since I’ve been gone. It seems crazy. I hope that you are planning a big party for my arrival next week, but not alcohol. I don’t ever want to drink again.

  I wish I had told you this sooner, but I’m sorry about getting drunk and not being able to take care of you. It has bothered me for a while now; I just hadn’t been able to talk about it. Since seeing the doctor, I feel like I can share everything with you. I realized the other day that I was expecting us to jump back into our old relationship as soon as I got out of jail, but we couldn’t do that. We’re two different people, and we are supposed to build a new relationship. I sound smart don’t I? It’s the doctors words not mine. She’s the smart one. I’m going to miss talking to her, but she is sending a recommendation to a doctor that’s close by where we live. I hope it works out that you can come too. She is also making sure that I get my medication, which by the way is working awesome.

  I’m so glad that I came here. I would have never been able to learn so much on my own. There were so many things I didn’t know how to do. But I know now. I feel like I’m ready to take on the world, with your help of course.

  Besides, if I didn’t have you, then I would have no one to drive me around. Just kidding.

  It’s amazing how much I’ve changed. I’m so different now. I don’t feel like I’m stuck in the dark, with nowhere to go. I owe it all to you and your letter. I didn’t even want to give this place a chance. I’m so glad that I did.

  I can’t wait to hug you. It won’t be long and I’ll be back home with you, where I belong.

  I love you, Bubba

  Week Six:

  Dear Blaine,

  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ll be home before you get this letter. Can you believe it? I’ll be home. God, I miss you. I really miss your cooking. I’m nowhere near as good as you are. Can you make me popcorn, and cookies, and some of that soup you made me when I first got home? I also want some tea.

  They don’t feed me very well here, and I’m a growing boy.

  I’ve made a pen pal out of Sutton, and he promises to write when he settles into his new place. It’s nice to have a friend that has shared the same journey as me. Maybe if I start feeling bad, he’ll be able to help. At least that’s what I’m hoping.

  I better go now. I need a good night’s rest, if you are throwing me a home coming party. Are you?

  See you very soon, and as always, I miss you.

  Kisses from your favorite twin, Bubba

  P.S. Does Madeline know that I’m coming home?

  Chapter Twenty-Five - Present

  ~Brian~

  It was homecoming day. My time at the facility was over, and they believed I was ready to make my way back into society. I felt ready. I did. I thought. It was a lot to take in, and so uncanny how I had done this full circle ride in just six weeks. I was ready to give up, ready to quit and go back to prison. Not now. Not yet. With a little medication, some therapy, and some how-to classes, I felt like I could conquer the world, one lasagna at a time.

  My time away from Blaine was hard, and I missed her more than anything, but it felt good to get on my feet by myself. I didn’t have to rely on her for the little things. I had to do them myself. I had to learn. They made me learn.

  Every single day while I was away, was another day that I thought about Madeline. Call me crazy, but I couldn’t shake her from my brain. When the doctor told me that I needed to talk to her, I knew she was right. It just scared me. I didn’t want to pour my big gorilla heart out to someone that I knew I’d never have a chance with. Why put yourself through that kind of heartache? It didn’t make sense, but everything else the doctor told me to do seemed to be working. I told her I’d think about it. I’m thinking it’s a bad idea.

  After saying my goodbyes to Sutton, I boarded the bus for home, only this time I wasn’t traveling alone. My four legged; furry friend was coming home with me. Only Blaine didn’t know yet. The boss that I’d had while going through the program gave her to me as a parting gift because I loved her so much. She was a light brown boxer puppy named Daisy. The moment I laid eyes on her, I wanted her to be mine. Kind of the same way I did with Madeline. That was probably a bad analogy, but Daisy gave me unconditional love in return. That meant so much to me. I had to have her. Blaine would just have to be upset. She’d get over it.

  Thank goodness the ride was only forty-five minutes, because this little baby couldn’t hold her pee very long. Her little eyes lit up when I rubbed her ears, and she rode in my lap the whole way. She was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I didn’t understand why they had gotten me a job at a place like that, until she gave me Daisy. The first responsibility that I had on my own, while being out of jail. She relies on me for food, water, and shelter. She needs me to live. It was the little piece of me that had felt like it was missing. I wanted Blaine to need me, and while she still does, she also needs Landon too. I can be okay with that. I can learn to do better.

  Daisy and I walked from town to home. Blaine insisted on picking me up, but I told her no. I didn’t mind walking. Actually I enjoyed it, and so did Daisy.

  We needed that extra time to come up with our perfect game faces. I wanted Blaine to love her as much as I did.

  When we walked up onto the front yard, Blaine was sitting in my spot on the front porch step. I don’t know if she saw Daisy or not, but she saw me.

  This time was different than the day I was released from prison. We were two new people, who loved each other so much that we’d do anything to keep our family together. Her eyes lit up and she ran to me as fast as she could.

  “Bubba,” She wrapped her arms around my neck as I swung her around and around. “I’m so glad you’re h
ome.”

  “Me too. I’ve missed you.” I sat her back on her feet.

  A tiny bark came from the ground, and we were caught. “Oh my God, Bubba. She’s so cute.” Blaine said as she reached down to pick Daisy up.

  YES! The puppy face worked. I knew it would. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I hope you don’t mind if she stays with us.”

  “Are you kidding? I love her already. What’s her name?” She asked.

  “Daisy.” I told her.

  “That’s such a sweet name for her.” Holding the puppy close to her she said, “we better ask Maddie if it’s okay for us to have her. I don’t want to get in any trouble.”

  The brief mention of her name had me perking up. “Okay,” I said.

  “Come inside Bubba. That’s where the party is.” She smiled.

  I laughed. “Thanks for the surprise.”

  “No need for surprises since it was your idea.” She carried the dog up the steps.

  “True. Good point.”

  “You smell like ass. You really need a shower. Did you sit next to a homeless man on the bus or something?”

  “Jesus that mouth of yours never stops.” I secretly missed it, though I wouldn’t tell her that. “And he wasn’t homeless. He just hadn’t bathed in a while. Bill was nice guy.” I lied.

  “You’re such a liar. The stink is coming from you.” She opened the door as I swatted her arm.

  The sign said “Welcome Home,” and standing under it were my friends from the bar, Landon, and all of his friends that I’d hung out with before. There were so many people. I couldn’t believe it.

  Every person that I knew from the bar was there. The servers, bartenders, and even the cook were standing under the sign to welcome me home. What the hell? How was that possible?

  “Wow,” I shook my head. “How are all of you here?”

  From behind the group of tall guys I heard her voice. “I closed the bar for the night.”

  I looked around, but couldn’t see her. Two of the guys stepped aside and let her walk towards the front of the crowd. Six weeks. It had been six weeks since I’d seen her. It was six weeks since I had run her off with my horrible words.

  She gave me a small smile, and I returned it with a nod of my head. I didn’t have any alcohol in my system, so she didn’t have to worry about any embarrassing commentary on my part.

  “This is awesome. Thank you everybody for coming to welcome me home. It is amazing. Truly,” I gave Blaine a little squeeze to my side for putting all this together. “Now where’s the food?”

  The crowd laughed, but led me to the kitchen to eat. After that, all of us guys went to the living room to hang out while the girls took the dog out back to play. Blaine came in later to tell me that Maddie said we could keep the dog. It was a good thing, because I wasn’t staying if she wasn’t. Who was I kidding? I had nowhere to go, but I wasn’t leaving her that easily.

  The day seemed to fly by, as I hung out with friends. People were slowly leaving and soon it was just Landon and myself hanging out. I apologized to him for acting like a complete jackass and he waved it off like it was no big deal. We did the man hug thing that Sutton introduced me to; only it wasn’t quite as awkward with Landon.

  I felt a tiny tap on my shoulder, and I turned to find Madeline standing behind me. “Hey,” I said.

  “Hey. Uh, Blaine said you had something important to talk to me about.” She whispered quietly so that she and I were the only ones to hear.

  She was a sneaky little witch. Searching the room I found her picking up the paper plates from the end table. She winked at me, and I wanted to flick her off. I wish I’d never told her about the talk I’d had with the doctor. Did she like to see me suffer?

  “You want to walk out back?” I asked. It seems I didn’t have a way out of this one.

  “Sure.”

  I stood up from the couch and followed her out the back door and onto the patio. Daisy lay there curled up in a ball at the foot of my chair. When I sat down she moved so that she was lying on top of my feet.

  “She is such a precious baby girl.” Madeline spoke first as we sat down next to each other.

  “Yeah.” I let out a deep breath. It was time to take the plunge. “I don’t guess Blaine told you what I wanted to talk to you about, did she?”

  “No.” She shook her head. Her big, beautiful eyes captured me. I could see all the way to her soul through them.

  I wanted to just write her a letter, because I was so bad with words, but I couldn’t. This had to be done face to face. Many times over the past few weeks, I replayed this conversation. I never really made a decision on exactly what I’d say, but I had an idea. I spill my guts, and then she tells me how much she hates me and doesn’t want me around. It was easy, right?

  Wrong.

  Nothing about this was easy.

  It didn’t matter that I had balls. I needed more than balls to get through this.

  “You seem nervous.” She laid her hand on my forearm. “We’ve talked a million times Brian. So whatever you have to say to me, just say it. You sure didn’t hold back last time.”

  “I’m sorry about that. I was dealing with a lot of fucked up shit in my head, and I took it out on you. I thought if I was mean to you then you’d see how big of an ass I was, and you’d run away.” I admitted.

  She huffed. “You’re plan sort of worked, since I ran. But I knew that you were hurting. It didn’t take a genius to see that.”

  “It still doesn’t make what I said to you any better.”

  “No it doesn’t.” She looked away from me and stared down at her hands folded in her lap.

  “I met with a therapist twice a week while I was away, and out of all those visits your name was mentioned at every one.”

  Her eyes shot up quickly.

  “She told me that I should talk to you and tell you how I feel, give you some old fashioned honesty. I told her that I’d think about it, but truthfully I wasn’t going to have this talk with you. I wanted to keep what little piece of dignity I have left, but thanks to Blaine, I’m going to just toss that dignity right in the trash. I’ll probably set fire to it too. Might as well do it right.” What was I saying? I was rambling.

  “If you don’t want to say it, then don’t.”

  I did. “I do.” Kind of, I sighed heavily. I needed bigger balls for this conversation. “The therapist told me that I should be honest with you about how I feel. My anxiety gets worse when I keep things locked up inside. I’m supposed to say what I feel, and mean what I say, or something like that.”

  “Is this the part where you tell me to go to hell.” She shook her head.

  I had to laugh, especially since what I needed to say was completely opposite. “No. This is where I tell you that I’m in love with you. That I’ve wanted you from the first moment I laid eyes on you. I hate that you’re with someone else. I want you to be with me. I’m a selfish bastard, who’d rather you lowered your standards to be with me instead. In my mind it doesn’t matter that you love someone else.” I took a breath. “What hurts me the most, is knowing that you’d be better off with someone else than you would be with me. I’m never going to amount to anything. I won’t ever be rich, and I’ll probably never be able to drive. I have nothing to give.”

  She still hadn’t looked at me. I waited for her blow to come, for her to tell me to go to hell. She was silent.

  “Just get it over with. Put me out of my misery, would ya?” I bent down to pick Daisy up and put her on my lap. Bad news would be better if I were looking at that sweet face.

  “I broke up with Phillip.” She said. It wasn’t what I was expecting her to say.

  “Good.” I never liked that guy. I didn’t like him because he had my girl, but I really hated him the moment he put his hands on my sister. He was a prick.

  “I told him that I was in love with someone else.” She gazed at me longingly. Her eyes were glazed over, and I could almost see myself in them. There was something ten
der in the way she was looking at me. I had to make sure that I was reading all the right signs, because I’d been known to screw up from time to time.

  “Me.” I stared back at her gorgeous face. I wanted her to say it. “You’re in love with me?” I asked again, almost begging her to say the words that I wanted to hear.

  She bit down on her lower lip, and nodded her head. “It’s always been you.”

  I sat the dog down onto the ground and stood in front of her. I took her hands and lifted her up onto her feet. “You’re so stupid Madeline. You can do so much better. God, I love you.” I wrapped my arms around her waist and picked her up off the ground, slamming my mouth against hers. This was a dream. It had to be.

  If it was, I never wanted to wake up again.

  She was the one. She was my girl. She was stupid for loving me, but I was the most selfish man. I wanted her more than I ever wanted anything in my life.

  Her arms were wrapped tightly around my neck as she kissed me back with force.

  When I leaned back and stared at the face of this beautiful angel, I felt in awe of her. I felt like one of those knights from the books I read. Those men were heroes. They were brave warriors who fought to win the hearts of the women that they loved. I wasn’t a hero, not by any means. I would fight for her though. I would fight hard, and I would love hard.

  “Take me home Brian.” She rested her head against mine.

  “What about…” I turned to look back at the house. “Fuck it, they can entertain themselves.”