by Lesley Crewe
“What were you thinking?”
“We obviously weren’t!” Bay cried. “You remember what a terrible time it was. We were grieving. Tansy was Ashley’s age with an unwanted pregnancy. She didn’t want to keep the baby, and I was a widow. It made sense to go away to a relative’s and pretend I was already pregnant with Bobby’s child. That way Mom and I could bring the baby home and raise her while Tansy got on with her life. She never wanted to be here. Even when she was a little kid, she dreamed of bigger and better things. It made sense at the time, and quite frankly I needed that child. I needed someone to hold. Bobby was gone. That beautiful boy was gone before we ever had a life together. I would have gone out of my mind without someone to hang onto.”
“Did it never occur to you that someday the truth would come out, despite all your secrecy?”
Bay jumped up from the table. “No. Nothing occurred to me. I lived my life one day at a time and that one day led into another day, and another day, and then suddenly Ashley is grown up and now how do I tell her? And then unbelievably, she becomes pregnant. She’s going to be someone’s mother. So how do I break it to her now? It’s a nightmare, an unending nightmare that I’ve tried to keep under control, but little by little it’s been eating away at my soul and I don’t know how much more I can take.”
Bay turned and fled the kitchen. They heard her run up the stairs and slam the door to her bedroom. Gertie looked at Tansy, who stared at the placemat in front of her. She looked like a ghost, someone there but not really there. It wouldn’t take much to have her break into a million pieces. She turned her sad eyes to Gertie.
“Do you think Ashley will forgive me?”
“She’s going to need time. This isn’t something that can be fixed in a couple of days. But I have no doubt that someday she’ll forgive you.”
Tansy nodded.
“I know there’s one thing troubling her.”
“What?”
“She wants to know who her father is.”
Tansy shut her eyes.
“You have to tell her.”
“I can’t,” Tansy whispered.
“Why? She needs to know the truth. You owe it to her.”
“Because Bobby is her father.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
MARCH 1981
All the customers who blew into the store that day complained about the weather outside. And it was miserable. The snow had stopped falling hours before, but the northeast wind continued to whip it off the rooftops and snowbanks, creating almost whiteout conditions on the main street through Louisbourg.
Tansy was on the cash near the front, so every time the door opened, another blast of freezing air came in with the customer. She finally took to putting on a pair of mitts when she wasn’t ringing up purchases, and had two sweaters on, though they didn’t do much against the cold. She looked at her watch. One more hour and she’d be finished.
The door crashed opened and in came her next-door neighbour, Flo. “That there wind is gonna be the death of me,” she sputtered. “It’s not fit for man nor beast out there.”
Tansy wished the wind would blow Flo out of town. Flo grabbed a metal basket and gave Tansy a begrudging nod before she hightailed it over to Maude Rankin, who stood in the bread aisle muttering to herself.
Tansy conceded it wasn’t a bad job working here at the corner store, but she wished Mr. Beaton would let her have a stool to sit on when they weren’t busy. He said it wasn’t professional to have someone lollygagging behind the cash. All right for him. He was never out of his chair in the back room.
When the door opened again, Tansy silently cursed. Why on earth did people go out in snowstorms? She changed her tune when she turned around and saw who was standing there. She didn’t know his name, but a friend had pointed him out one day and told her he was Lester Campbell’s nephew from away. She didn’t know where. He was in town to help his uncle with some job or other.
He was tall and slim, almost gangly, with straight blonde hair that fell in his eyes. He didn’t have a ball cap on, which was a relief; he wore a jean jacket with the collar turned up, no gloves, and only work boots. If he was cold, he didn’t let on. Glancing around, he walked up to the counter and nodded his head. “Hey.”
“Hey, yourself. Is it getting worse out there?”
He looked behind him through the window. “Is it bad out?”
Tansy smiled. “Anything I can get for you?”
“A pack of Players, please.”
Tansy turned around and grabbed a package of cigarettes off the display behind her. She put them on the counter and he put them in his jacket pocket.
“Thanks.”
“What’s your name?”
“Bobby.” He passed her some money.
Tansy took the bill out of his hand and rang up the purchase. “I’m Tansy. Don’t you know you shouldn’t smoke?” She gave him back his change.
“Yeah.”
“But you do it anyway.”
He smiled at her. “I’m not that bright.” Bobby started to move towards the door.
“I’m sure that’s not true,” Tansy laughed. “You’re from away?”
He hesitated. “Yes, haven’t been here too long.”
“I hope you won’t get bored. This is a small town.”
“Which is why I can’t go to another store to pick up my lottery tickets,” Flo interrupted. “Why don’t you stop flirting with the poor guy for five minutes and give someone else a turn?”
Tansy felt her face burn with embarrassment. Bobby gave her a half-wave and hurried out of the store. It was all Tansy could do not to take the carton of eggs Flo was buying and break them over her head.
“Teenagers,” Flo muttered to Maude, who stood behind her. “They’ll be the death of me yet.”
It was well into summer before she saw him again. A bunch of local kids sat on the bluffs out of town, their cars and trucks parked haphazardly. Someone had a stereo perched on the hood of a car, the music blaring. Beer flowed and so did the laughter. Tansy had had a few too many by this point, and enjoyed the attention of most of the males in the group, whether their girlfriends were there or not. The girls knew better than to make it known they were jealous of her. To hang around with Tansy meant you were with the “in” crowd.
Which is why Bay never came along.
Another truck pulled in and Tansy saw a local fellow from down the road get out of the driver’s seat. He was older; she was surprised he’d shown up. And then Bobby climbed out of the truck, a cigarette hanging from his lips. He’d filled out, his arms taut with muscles, which wasn’t surprising as he’d been on the lobster boats and was now in the woods cutting trees. His face and arms were a caramel brown and his blonde hair was the colour of flax from long days in the sun. He needed a haircut and a shave and his jeans were almost threadbare, but he outshone all the other guys put together.
Tansy made a beeline for him.
Bobby was nice, joking with everyone, accepting a beer and then another. He didn’t give Tansy any more attention than he gave anyone else, and she wasn’t used to that. She had to wait her turn.
The sun went down and things got rowdy. Everyone had too much to drink. Tansy had wheedled her way over to Bobby and managed to sit beside him on the grass as he leaned against a huge rock. He was glad to see her and put an arm around her, but she could have been anyone. He was trying to tell his buddies a joke, and since he was three sheets to the wind, he kept blowing it—and the more he flubbed it up, the more he laughed.
Soon everyone’s attention was drawn to an argument between two of the guys standing over by the vehicles. People got up and left, getting closer to the action. Bobby stayed put. He leaned his head against the rock, grinning like a fool.
“Don’t you want to see the fight?” Tansy asked.
Bobby looked at her. “Now why would I want to see a fight?”
“I thought all guys liked fighting.”
“Not this guy.”
Tan
sy smiled at him. “What do you like, then?”
“Let’s see.” The arm he’d draped over her shoulder became tighter as he counted the fingers on his hand. “I really like pancakes.”
Tansy giggled.
“And I really like baseball.”
“I bet you’re good,” she said.
“No, I’m terrible. Can’t throw a ball to save my life. Now, what else? Umm, I really like steak and…Newfoundland dogs and…Oh Henry! bars…”
“Do you like girls?”
He laughed out loud. “Yes, I like girls. What are you suggesting?”
“Nothing. I just wondered if you liked me.”
“Of course I like you.” As he looked at her, his head swayed slightly. “You are one beautiful girl.”
“So I’ve been told.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“Let me hear you say it again.”
“What?” he grinned. “That I like girls?”
“Yeah.”
“I like girls.”
“Show me.”
Bobby reached down and gave her a great kiss. Tansy was completely captivated by him. His wonderful laugh and gentle manner were the sexiest things about him. She wanted him. No, she needed him.
Tansy kept kissing Bobby as she manoeuvred herself on top of him. He cradled the back of her neck with one hand while he reached around her waist and held her close.
Tansy had never felt like this before. He knew what to do. It was as effortless as breathing. She never wanted him to stop touching her. She was in a frenzy to feel him against her skin, but soon after he rolled her over on her back there was a sharp whistle. Bobby lifted his head and looked behind him.
“Hey, Romeo,” his friend shouted. “It’s getting bad. We gotta get out of here before the cops show up.”
Bobby lifted himself off the ground and grabbed Tansy’s hand, pulling her to her feet. “Come on, let’s go.”
They ran for his friend’s truck, and he helped her in ahead of him. His friend looked annoyed.
“Shit, what are we supposed to do with her?”
“I’m not going to leave her here. Tansy, where do you live?”
She told him.
His friend threw the gear shift in reverse, and they careened over the bumpy dirt road. Bobby put his arm around her so she wouldn’t go flying all over the cab. She wanted to melt into the side of his shirt. He was warm and smelled so good. Tansy wanted to talk to him, but the driver insisted on telling him all about the fight. Bobby rolled his eyes and smiled at her as he listened, as if the two of them were sharing a secret.
The drive ended too soon. They stopped the truck in front of the house and Bobby got out. He extended his hand to help her down. Tansy said thanks to the driver and slid off the seat. She stayed near Bobby by the side of the road.
“Thank you for taking me home.”
“No problem.”
“Kiss me goodbye.”
Bobby gave her a smile before he kissed her cheek. “Goodnight, Tansy.” Then he got back in the truck and shut the door and his friend took off, tires squealing.
Tansy stood there and wondered if those few minutes in his arms had been a dream. As she touched her lips, she knew that her mouth was red from his stubble. She felt branded by him and knew she’d never want anyone else.
The front door opened and her father stood on the porch. “Tansy, get in the house!”
She was in for it now. She walked up the driveway and over the lawn to the front steps.
“Who the hell was that squealing his tires at this time of night?”
“No one you know.”
She tried to walk past him, but he blocked her way with his arm. His old flannel shirt stank of fish and tobacco, a smell that couldn’t be removed no matter how hard her mother scrubbed. His lined and tired face looked fed up. “Have you been drinking?”
“I had a couple of beers.”
“More than a couple, I’d say. Were you down at that old quarry? I’ve told you how dangerous it is down there.”
Tansy wanted him to shut up so she could run upstairs, close the door, and lie on her bed in the dark remembering what Bobby had done to her.
She heard her mother’s voice in the hall. “She’s home now, Jack. Let her go up to bed.”
Her father let her go by. As she ran up the stairs she heard him say to her mother, “Why can’t she be like Bay? We never had this kind of trouble with her.”
“Now, Jack…”
Tansy slammed her bedroom door and fell on her unmade bed. She buried her face in the blankets until she could hardly breathe, then rolled over, stared at the ceiling, and hugged herself. “Bobby,” she whispered. “Bobby.”
She got up to look in the mirror, pressed her lips with her fingers and remembered how his tongue had felt inside her mouth. Her hands touched her body where he had touched her body, but the hollow ache she felt inside would never be filled unless he was with her again.
Tansy was exhausted the next morning; she’d tossed and turned until the sun came up. Her head ached from all that stupid beer. Her father was right on that score. Slipping on her bathrobe, she opened her door and crossed the hall to the bathroom. The door was locked and the shower was on.
She pounded on the door. “Bay!”
“I’m in the shower.”
“No shit. Unlock the door, I need to pee.”
The door clicked. Tansy opened it in time to see Bay’s arm disappear behind the shower curtain. Tansy pushed the door closed behind her but it didn’t catch. No matter. She sat on the john.
“What time did you roll in?”
“I have no clue.”
“Did you go to the quarry?”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t you guys get sick of hanging around down there?”
“What else is there to do in this godforsaken town?”
“You make it sound like you live in Siberia.”
“I might as well be.”
Tansy reached behind and grabbed some toilet paper. When she flushed Bay screeched as the water went cold. “Don’t do that, you idiot.”
Tansy washed her hands. “Sorry.”
“No, you’re not. You do it every time.”
“One of these days you’ll miss these endearing little rituals.”
“Don’t count on it.”
Tansy shut the bathroom door behind her and went downstairs to the kitchen. Her mother was in her usual spot in front of the kitchen stove, with her apron on.
“Morning.” Tansy plunked herself down on the nearest kitchen chair.
“Want some oatmeal?”
“Mom, when have I ever wanted oatmeal?”
Her mother put a tray of tea biscuits in the oven and turned on the timer. “You used to love it as a kid.”
“I’m not a kid anymore.”
Now her mother busied herself taking juice out of the fridge and poured it into a glass. She passed it to Tansy. “Is that why you think you can gallivant around town with ruffians and guzzle beer until two in the morning?”
“Don’t start.”
“Your father’s right. You’re too young—”
“Mom, I’m seventeen. I’m not a baby.” Tansy drank her juice and wiped the side of her mouth. “Besides, everyone else is allowed to go out with their friends. I don’t know what Dad’s problem is.”
“He’s concerned about you and so am I. You know…”
Tansy tuned her out. Her mother continued to walk around the kitchen, wiping a glass here and a plate there, talking the entire time. She had beans in a strainer that needed to be snapped, and a large pot of glass jars boiling away at the back of the stove, almost ready for the strawberry jam she’d made earlier that morning. How she could do all that and still have the energy to give her a lecture boggled Tansy’s mind. She figured it was a mom thing.
“…and Flo told me that you were at the top of the street one night, necking away with that Jamison boy. You need to be careful, young lady. You could get
a reputation.”
Tansy grunted. “Not difficult in this boring town.”
Her mother took a bowl and a box of Cheerios out of the cupboard and put them in front of Tansy. She reached down and took Tansy’s chin in her hand. “It doesn’t matter where you live. Life is what you make it.”
Then off she went to stir a bowl of batter.
Tansy poured some Cheerios in the bowl and knew she was going to make her life as exciting as possible. She just had to track down Bobby to do it.
The trouble was, it was next to impossible to find him.
Like all strapping young lads, he was busy from morning to night, and since he was four years older than her, he didn’t hang out with her crowd. Her only chance was maybe another night at the quarry, or seeing him down by the wharf on a late summer evening. After a while her friends were fed up with her, because she never wanted to do anything but hang around and wait for something to happen.
She did see him on a few occasions, always with a crowd around him. They talked and laughed, but it was never alone. He always seemed glad to see her, but it ended there. The only thing that made her feel better was that he never seemed to be with a girl. He spent most of his time laughing with his cronies.
Finally, on Labour Day weekend, there was going to be a big bonfire on the beach at the edge of town. A last hurrah to summer, as kids headed back to university or out West or took jobs in Sydney. People started to gather around nine in the evening, and by eleven the party was jumping.
Tansy sat on the hood of a car and pretended to have fun, but her radar was on the road that led to the water. Every time car headlights showed up, she’d wait to see who approached, but it was never him. She’d about given up when she saw him come out of the dark with a couple of boys she didn’t know.
Her heart did a flip in her chest and she realized almost too late that she wasn’t breathing. She needed to calm down. Bobby walked up to the fire and greeted everyone with his cheerful smile. He glanced at her for a moment and acknowledged her with a wave of his hand, but then grabbed a beer and talked to his buddies.
By midnight she knew she had to do something; her curfew was one at the very latest. She made her way over to him and slid her arm around his waist. He looked down and gave her a squeeze.
