The Trash Tier Dungeon

by Kaye Fairburn

  Somehow, in the midst of everything, the top-selling merchants developed serious cases of hemorrhoids. Rumors blamed their rectal bleeding on stress from the sharp drop in customers during that time. Whatever the reason for them leaving, be it hemorrhoids or stress or undisclosed hernias and prolapses, those people never returned. The other merchants soon followed.

  Kazzipur fell from grace, losing its status as a commerce capital.

  The town tried to become something else in the wake of that drama. Nothing stuck. Becoming a fish mongering town didn’t work out since they were too far from the ocean. Someone should have told them that before they invested in fishing supplies for a lake full of mosquito fish.

  None of their townsfolk grew into notable adventurers. They didn’t have the funds to sponsor anyone’s journey to Bellstrang’s best Adventuring Academy. Because they didn’t have adventurers, there was no need to develop a Kazzipur Adventuring Guild, something that could’ve generated renown for the town.

  Their lone blacksmith specialized in generic weaponry and armor that hadn’t been in fashion for over a decade. The food was alright from what Arden saw on her visit, not that she tasted any of it. As a pixie, she didn’t need to eat or drink from anything other than the golden skulls of her enemies.

  There wasn’t anything interesting about Kazzipur. It was a pit stop that might as well have been a pit stain on Bellstrang. In many cases, towns like Kazzipur could lean on their dungeons to generate interest. The glaring problem with that was the Trash Tier Dungeon herself. Their dungeon did absolutely nothing for them.

  Apparently, the dungeon had pixies before, but they all resigned for one reason or another. They broke the soundest of contracts, the one between dungeon and pixie. Their bond was supposed to be infinite and everlasting.

  But when it came to the Trash Tier Dungeon, it was like the sanctity of that bond went out the window in a blazing ball of fire. For such a rare thing to happen to the same dungeon so many times in a row was a level of pathetic past pathetic.

  Arden almost felt bad for her charge.

  The Trash Tier Dungeon’s last pixie left for greener pastures elsewhere. Those pastures weren’t hard to find since any dungeon would be better than the Trash Tier Dungeon. They didn’t even have to be greener. They could’ve had “burnt grass,” so to speak, and they’d still be a step up.

  Needless to say, Arden wouldn’t have chosen this pairing. If she could leave, she’d deeply consider it. Her life depended on this dungeon’s success, and not in the typical a-dead-dungeon-means-a-dead-pixie sense.

  The Demon Lord Oiseau, Overseer of Bellstrang’s Dungeons and Ruler of Cross-eyed Pigeons, told her he’d smite her if she didn’t revitalize the Trash Tier Dungeon. This was her last chance after her fiasco with the Rage Dumping Dungeon–a fiasco that she tried to erase from her memory to no avail.

  “If you fail, I’m gonna smite you and then have you for lunch,” the Demon Lord Oiseau had said. True to his name, he looked like a man with a bird’s head. A set of horns rose from his crown. His robe was an extravagant purple velvet number, the cape attached to it full of black feathers.

  He flicked a toothpick his beak didn’t need at her. It hit her between the eyes, the embarrassing burn of which she presently felt as she remembered their exchange.

  “Your failure will confirm to me that you’re nothing more than a waste on my mana reserves,” he’d continued.

  Arden had pursed her lips tight, her hands held in hidden fists behind her back. She listened to him explain that her success would be measured in one month’s time. It was then that he’d show up, look through the Trash Tier Dungeon, and render his final verdict. A bad review, and, bye, bye, Arden.

  Oiseau went on to say, “If you do well, I’ll see about re-assigning you to a better Heart. Be thankful I’m not smiting you right now. In fact, I want you to bow your head and shout your thanks as loud as you can.”

  Having to thank him tasted like poison in her mouth.

  That poison brought her to the Trash Tier Dungeon, whose glowing orb of a face stared back at Arden.

  Arden rubbed the corner of her eyebrow. “Alright, as your partner I’m going to need access to your menus. You can give me viewing permissions only or allow me full system access. I recommend the latter. It’ll make this easier for both of us.”

  “Okay!” the Heart chirped. “What would you like to see?”

  “Your units. All of them.”

  A blue menu appeared in Arden’s mind’s eye, the result of their shared psychic connection. Dungeons operated their territories through these menus. They gave them access to their statistics, their resources, their buildings (interchangeable with “rooms”), and more.

  Adventurers had their own menus, too, but theirs were far more limited.

  [UNITS -ALL-

  Nickname: Red

  Name: Workercat 1

  Unit Type: Peon

  Health: 40/40

  Energy: 100%

  Morale: 100%

  Nickname: Orange

  Name: Workercat 2

  Unit Type: Peon

  Health: 40/40

  Energy: 100%

  Morale: 100%

  Nickname: Yellow

  Name: Workercat 3

  Unit Type: Peon

  Health: 40/40

  Energy: 100%

  Morale: 100%

  Nickname: Green

  Name: Workercat 4

  Unit Type: Peon

  Health: 40/40

  Energy: 100%

  Morale: 100%]

  Arden balked. “You only have your four starting peons?”

  “They’re cute.”

  “How many resources do you have?”

  “Oh, I don’t have any need for shinies or glowyrms. Whenever my workercats find some, I use it to build more farms. I like keeping them well-fed.”

  “And how many farms do you have?”

  “There have to be at least a hundred.”

  “Four peons don’t need 100 farms!” Arden buzzed with fury. “That’s a huge waste. What else is here?”

  “They’ve got some Recreation Centers. I think, maybe, ten each?”

  “You have to be joking. Show me your buildings menu.”

  The menu gave Arden the shakes. The Dungeon Heart wasn’t kidding around. The Trash Tier Dungeon mismanaged her resources to the nth degree. The only good thing she did with her peons was have them dig out a sprawling tunnel system. It was a one-shot system, but it kept the Dungeon Heart safe.

  The twin shields of boredom and frustration protected the Dungeon Heart from outsiders.

  “We need to restart.” Arden plucked the pin attached to her shirt collar. “The Demon Lord Oiseau, Overseer of Bellstrang’s Dungeons and Ruler of Cross-eyed Pigeons, gave us this Restart Token to use. All you have to do is absorb it.”

  “I’d prefer not to.” The orb shook from side to side.

  “And I’d prefer not to die. Restart!”

  “Oh, we’re not going to die here. No one comes here.”

  “Not even monsters? They can wander in here. Your traps are broken and your peons aren’t fighters.”

  “The traps worked on some of them,” she said. “Monsters mostly just starve when they come here. They never reach me or my workercats. Sometimes, they get frustrated and leave or kill each other.”

  “You’re lucky, then. There are some monsters that will keep coming for you.”

  “I haven’t seen monsters here in a while. I don’t attract a lot of attention. I’m a quiet dungeon.”

  “You shouldn’t be quiet,” Arden said. “You should be robust. Bustling. People should want to come here. Don’t you want to devour them? Doesn’t killing adventurers thrill you? C’mon, you’re a dungeon, aren’t you?”

  The Dungeon Heart scoffed. “Of course I’m a dungeon! I’m a dungeon who doesn’t care about those things. What’s the point of killing them?”

  “They drop golden skulls and loot when they die. I like keepi
ng their skulls as trophies, but when you’re advanced enough to make the room for it, you can harvest them for resources and other bonuses. Killing them’s a good thing.”

  “We’ve got resources here. My people are happy.”

  “Do you consider the citizens of Kazzipur to be your people, too? Because they’re suffering. None of them are happy. They need attractions to their town and you could be it. A popular town leads to a popular dungeon. And a popular dungeon usually gets a guild of people from its town to help defend it. It’s quid pro quo.”

  “I don’t care about them. I care about my cats.”

  “What about your reviews? Don’t you know what they say about you in the Dungeon Reviews Digest? Your reputation’s terrible. You should change so you can fix that.”

  “Eh.” The Dungeon Heart undulated, seeming to shrug. “I know they call me the Trash Tier Dungeon. I think I’ve grown to like the name. It has a nice ring to it. It’s kind of cute.”

  “There’s nothing cute about being trash tier.” Arden wished she could shake some sense into Minette. “The Demon Lord Oiseau, Overseer of Bellstrang’s Dungeons and–”

  “Do you have to say his name like that every time?”

  “Only to punctuate the point of how important he is.” Arden rattled off his name, then continued, “He’s given us a mission. He’s coming here in one month to check everything that we’ve done. If he doesn’t like it, then we’re going to be kaputz. This dungeon has to be better by the time he gets here.”

  “What’s kaputz?”

  “Finito. No more!” Arden waved her arms. “I know you love your cats. I get that, but there won’t be cats here anymore if we’re both dead. We fail and we’ll be smitten so hard that this entire country will feel it. Think of the cats, my dungeon. Do you want him to smite them, too?”

  “You can call me Minette Ashes Max Felixia. Minette, for short. I’m not going to use that Restart Token. Sorry. All of my workercats’ hard work will be undone. It’ll be like they never did anything.”

  Arden sighed. How was she supposed to get through to her? “Okay, Minette, look at it this way. Leveling the dungeon means that your workercats get a second shot at making this dungeon beautiful. They’re going to need this shot, because, without it, they’re not going to be here anymore. Did I mention they’re going to die?”

  “Won’t they die when we use the Restart Token?”

  “They’ll be reborn for the greater good,” Arden said. “If you think about it, though, no one really dies here. Not in the conventional corpse sense, anyway. They become glitter dust.”

  “Dead glitter dust.”

  “Glitter dust that lives on within you. Every unit carries on. I know you hate the thought of it, but this is the best thing you could possibly do for them. Trust me. Let them be reborn. Every unit’s better than the last, so let them have their second chance.”

  “What happens if I do go through with this?”

  “You’ll start with four peons and a starting salary of 50 shinies. It’s not much, but you should know where all the shiny deposits are by now. You’ll be able to harvest plenty more in no time at all.”

  “I sure hope so,” Minette said. “Is restarting going to hurt?”

  “I don’t want to lie to you so early in our relationship,” she said–even though she technically already had, seeing how it’d be Arden alone who’d be smitten, not Minette–“so I won’t be answering that.”

  “I’m not going to like this, am I?”

  “You’ll see.”

  Arden tossed the Restart Token to Minette. A blinding light overpowered the Dungeon Heart room, blanching it of color. Heavy rushes of wind raked Arden’s hair. She brought her arms in front of her face to brace herself for any impacts to come. While her Dungeon Pixie race exempted her from being overwritten, she could still get jostled around during the restructuring process.

  The breeze shot her upwards, towards a now all-white ceiling. She flattened against what felt like dirt and grit, not suffering any damage. The restart wouldn’t hurt her. All Arden needed to do was wait for its completion.

  The force of Minette’s energy hurled the borrowed daggers. They pierced the space next to Arden. She reached for them, the blades soon dematerializing as they entered her Inventory.

  Minette’s bloodcurdling screams began.

  Chapter 3

  By the time Minette’s screams dissipated, the encompassing whiteness of their surroundings faded into a black abyss. Arden discovered that the ceiling was gone. She stretched her limbs, her wings keeping her afloat.

  “How are you feeling?” Arden asked.

  Minette’s disembodied voice was hoarse. “Horrible.”

  “There’s nothing like the starting dungeon menu screen to make you feel better.” Arden recited her introductory speech, “From my connection to the Great Goddess known as SYSTEM, I summon the messages that will give you the clarity you’ll need in this endeavor. Messages, I summon thee!”

  The words of the first message entered their psyche, appearing before their eyes.

  [SYSTEM:

  Welcome, young dungeon! You have a wondrous journey ahead of you. Your days will soon be filled with warding off pesky adventurers, using your intelligence to design traps, and constructing your dungeon empire.

  Every dungeon has their humble origins, whether they’re soul stealing, slime-based, divine, science-focused, classically focused, or any permutation of all of the above. Your choices are limitless.

  Your new beginning will start now. Your first decision will be on the type of dungeon you’d like to be.]

  “You’ll be able to cross over if you pursue the right kind of research, but for now, you have to pick between Organic and Mechanical,” Arden said. “I know you went with Organic before. How about you try something new?”

  “I’d rather go with what I’m familiar with.” She sounded listless when she spoke.

  “Alright. Organic, it is.”

  Arden accepted the choice, feeling its effect wash over her. Blood, or rather a magically imbued simulation of it, pumped through her veins. Her outward appearance stayed the same. Had Minette chosen Mechanical, Arden’s features would’ve become more robotic to reflect her decision.

  [SYSTEM:

  You have chosen to be an Organic Dungeon. Congratulations! You have a plethora of choices available to you within the Organic Dungeon track. To start with, you must choose one species from our list of options. After that, your pixie and I will walk you through the dungeon building tutorial.

  If the number of choices overwhelms you, I can scan the depths of your Heart for the best-suited choice.]

  “Feline Beasts,” Minette said.

  “Hey, you didn’t even look at the list!” Arden cried.

  “I don’t have to. I’ve got a Feline Beast core. I’ll let her scan me so you can see.”

  [SYSTEM:

  One moment, please.

  …Scanning complete. Upon review, I have determined that the best starting species for you is ORGANIC -> FELINE BEAST. Will you accept this designation?]

  “Yes,” Minette agreed. “That’s me!”

  It baffled Arden as to how a species so well-suited to Minette led to so much failure. Part of her assumed that Minette had forced herself onto the incorrect track like she was a Mechanical core at heart trying to lead an Organic dungeon.

  It wasn’t like dungeons were doomed if they did that–many did it without realizing it or because they desired something different from their natural inclinations. It led to early hardships in the form of reluctant peons.

  The reluctance would taper after the dungeon built its first room.

  “Hey, Arden, you’ve got a tail,” Minette pointed out. Her energy picked up, her enthusiasm brightening her tone. “None of my pixies ever had a tail before! And you’ve got some ears. This is too adorable!”

  “Yeah, since I’m here with you during the creation process I’m taking on more of your dungeon’s characteristics. P
ixies who join you later down the line have a choice on whether they want to be, um…feline beastly.” Arden scratched behind the cat ears that now adorned her head.

  [SYSTEM:

  We will now spawn the room for your Dungeon Heart. This is where you will reside. You must protect yourself at all costs. Adventurers will crawl through you to get to your Heart. Should your health points drop to 0, you will die.

  The statistics for this room are as follows:

  Name: Dungeon Heart

  Type: Room

  Health: 1500/1500

  Cost: n/a

  Requirements:

  - n/a

  Usage:

  - Spawns workercats for 50 shinies each.

  - Accelerated mana regeneration for the pixie when inside.

  Unlocks:

  - Can build Research Center, Farm, Monster Lounge, and Recreation Center.

  Description: Without this, the dungeon will fail.

  Please standby...]

  Dirt walls rose out of nothingness, forming a room that enclosed Arden. She dove to the soil, not wanting to get crushed. Minette’s orb of a body materialized in the center of the room, her exquisite glow illuminating the space.

  [SYSTEM:

  The Dungeon Heart room also comes with four peons. Because you are an ORGANIC -> FELINE BEAST, your peons are known as workercats. Each unit can have a nickname for easier selection.

  I will now show you the detailed information screen for your peon:

  Name: Workercat

  Type: Organic

  Class: Feline Beast

  Health: 40

  Armor: None (0)

  Attack 1:

  - Reach: Melee

  - Damage: 5

  - Speed: Slow

  - Cooldown: Normal

  - Bonus: n/a

  Specials:

  - Dig: With this special ability, the workercats can dig tunnels throughout the dungeon.