The Trash Tier Dungeon

by Kaye Fairburn

  She righted herself at the bottom of her spin-out.

  Spikes from the spiny lynx missiled overhead. Arden dove lower and made a beeline for the archer’s feet.

  Arden didn’t have an arrowhead with her this time, but she could make do with her ingenuity and creativity.

  “Paradiso’s gone,” Minette announced.

  Hearing that heightened Arden’s resolve. She circled around the archer’s leg, searching for a way into her shirt (not like that, but yes, like that). The cleavage-revealing hole cut into her leather vest, also lovingly referred to in human circles as a “boob window,” provided Arden perfect portal to chaos.

  The archer shrieked.

  Arden wormed her way across the expanse, slipping under fabric and leather. The archer tried to squash her like a bug. Tickling her mercilessly, Arden pulled a giggle fit out of the woman. She clung to the archer as the archer doubled over in laughter.

  “Get off of me,” she said through her giggling.

  Something snapped—maybe a good amount of her bones, no big deal—inside of Arden when the archer punched her.

  “Critical hit,” Minette announced.

  Arden didn’t have the strength to say anything snarky back to her. Or maybe, she didn’t have the jaw to form proper words anymore, she didn’t know. Nearly all of her body felt like it had shattered from that hit. She was in pieces, a goopy mess sliding, but still mostly sticking to the archer.

  A sudden yelling. The archer moved around a lot. Arden experienced these moments through the flashes that occurred as her consciousness faded in and out. Her eyes no longer worked, but she listened and felt the intensity of combat around her.

  They’re fighting? Who’s fighting who?

  Projectiles flew. There was the yowling and hissing of animals. Some screechers. The archer rolled around. She said something, her words blurring together as much as everything else for Arden.

  The flurry of activity continued, Arden unable to discern any of it. The scene merged from one movement to the next. Her blurry eyes picked up a vague change in lighting. Then, she plopped to the ground.

  “You’re dead,” was the last thing she heard Minette say.

  [WARNING!

  One human adventurer has entered the Dungeon Heart room.]

  Would Minette die next?

  Chapter 16

  Arden woke up, fully healed with her mana restored, to witness a stand-off.

  On one end of the room stood a single catten, and on the other, stood Robin the Rogue. Combat wounds battered his usual smarmy visage. Scrapes covered the sides of his face. Miraculously, his hair seemed to move, albeit in hardened clumps, but there was movement all the same.

  The catten barreled for the rogue. He vaulted over it, throwing his arm behind him as he jumped. His dagger slashed the catten. It howled. Lighting up with blueness, Robin spun around and sliced into the catten once, twice, and then a third and fourth time for good measure.

  It exploded into glittery dust.

  “Did you really think that you’d win?” Robin asked, practically shouting his words at Arden.

  “I killed your archer.”

  “Evangeline teleported out of here. She’s not dead.”

  “But you will be. The rest of our units are on their way. This is the end for you, Robin.”

  Robin clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “That doesn’t matter. Have you looked at the doorways? They’re called Blockade scrolls. You read the incantation off them, roll them out, and voilà. They’re expensive as all get out, but they’re worth it.”

  “They won’t last forever. Our units can break through them,” Arden said.

  “You know,” he said as though she wasn’t in the least bit threatening. “I was hoping that this would be a simple scouting mission. I wanted to save the Blockade scrolls for later, but then you had to go and kill Jennifer and Micah. I don’t know what trick you pulled to get to Evangeline, but I don’t like it. I don’t like you at all.”

  Arden rolled her eyes. “Keep talking. It only gives my people more time to break through your defenses.”

  “Well, now that you’re awake, it’s time for our final battle. I didn’t want to miss out one last chance to kill you myself.”

  “Try it.” She flew back.

  At first, Robin ran towards her, then he made a sudden turn towards Minette’s orb. The Dungeon Heart had been strangely silent during their whole conversation. Arden switched on her Disguise, simultaneously accessing her Inventory. Robin’s normal dagger appeared in her hand.

  Thunk!

  And one of his daggers also appeared in the center of her chest.

  “That’s a present for you, pixie. It came straight from my hometown,” he said.

  Arden laughed. “What was that, like 12 damage points or something?” She took a step forward. Her second step after that was like pulling her foot through mud. Arden tried glancing down to see what had happened but found that she couldn’t. Even blinking felt like she was doing it with a very heavy weight on her lids.

  “How are you liking that Paralysis effect?” Now, it was Robin who laughed. “Congratulations. You have front row seats to your dungeon’s defeat.”

  Arden strained to speak. “This isn’t fair.”

  “Nothing’s ever fair. We do what we can to win. Night, night, Trash Tier Dungeon. You had so much potential. Maybe if you had a different pixie, you wouldn’t have stayed as a disappointment.” He let out an exaggerated sigh.

  What happened next was something that Arden wished she could see over and over. Never had she wanted so badly to have the Demon Lord Oiseau’s memory searching skill.

  As soon as Robin stepped close to Minette, his feet slid out from under him. His body twisted in a valiant effort to stay standing. Too bad for him that was a complete failure of a move. None of his dancing skills could save him from slipping.

  A dark, low toned female voice made its presence known in the room. “You dare come to mess with Minette Ashes Max Felixia?”

  Dazed, Robin sat up. His hand searched the ground, coming up with a layer of goop.

  “You have annoyed us for far too long,” she continued. “Welcome to my boss battle.”

  Dark lightning flashed around the room, crackling off the ceiling and bouncing to the walls. A figure emerged from Minette’s orb, a woman who towered Robin. A pair of cat ears sat on the top of her head, blending in with her long dark hair. She had a line of black paint smeared across her eyes.

  Although still paralyzed, Arden received the pop-up notification.

  [-FINAL BOSS BATTLE-

  Minette Ashes Max Felixia

  Organic Feline Beast Dungeon Heart

  AKA The Trash Tier Dungeon Heart

  Health: A lot. You will die.

  Mana: So much! You will definitely die.

  Likelihood of Killing You: >9000%]

  “What? How’s this possible?” Robin scrambled to get up. He kept slip-sliding in the barely visible goop.

  “Do you think you can survive fighting me on your own? Do you really want to take that chance?”

  Robin crawled out of the mess he was in. “Screw this.” He raced over to Arden, goop flinging off of him. His hands glowed blue before he punched her.

  [ALERT!

  “Jennifer Glover’s Skull” has been stolen from your Inventory.]

  If Arden could’ve spit on him for that, she would’ve.

  Minette walked towards the rogue, taking her sweet time.

  Robin threw up his hands. “Next time. Next time we’re going to kill you, I swear!” A scroll briefly appeared in his grasp before he flashed away, presumably teleporting back to the town.

  The lightning and darkness effects in the room died down after Robin left. Since they weren’t under the threat of adventurers anymore, the room reverted to normalcy. That is, except for Minette who was standing around waiting for Arden to be able to move. She filled her time with running around her original orb body.

  Ro
bin’s Blockades remained where they were.

  The first thing Arden said once she was able to speak was, “What did you do? Why do you have a body?”

  Minette cut a nice figure in her purple dress. It was cinched in at the waist, her belt accentuating her hips. Her dark trench coat had spikes rising off of the shoulders, the very image of villainy. Slight waves in her dark hair gave it volume and life. The jubilant look on her face contrasted with her otherwise evil appearance.

  The tips of her boots were emblazoned with skulls that Arden envied.

  “Remember when you noticed we had fewer resources than we should’ve had? Surprise!”

  Arden dropped her Disguise, then flew over to Minette to scrutinize her. Her hand phased through her face. “You bought the Projection skill.”

  “It cost us a fair amount, but since it saved our butts, I’d say it was worth it.”

  “Yeah, along with one of your bogus system messages. That was a good call. And you even bought the freaking goop stuff. Hey, what about the lightning? Where did that come from exactly?” Arden wondered if it came from the “Other” section in the Trap Workshop.

  “It’s some decoration for the room. Decorations are free. I have them for making our final battles more epic. I can even play some operatic and orchestral music if I want to. You know, the classic kind with the chorus of voices and all of that. One of my old pixies showed me this feature. It’s like a secret setting I have.”

  “Interesting. Can any of your decorations be used to kill someone?”

  “No, not that I know of. They’re special effects at best. I used to use it to hang up pictures of my workercats. Come to think of it, I should probably decorate this room some more before the adventurers come back.” Suddenly, a glare appeared on Minette’s face. “Hey! I almost forgot that I’m supposed to be mad at you. No one should’ve gotten into my room in the first place.”

  “Yeah. There were some miscalculations on my part,” Arden said.

  “What happened to us working together? You ignored most of what I said. We were getting along so well.”

  “Funny you should ask that when you’re the one making secret purchases again.”

  “What I bought us saved us in the end. That’s pretty much how you used to think, anyway. We’re allowed to do whatever we want as long as it gets us a victory. I learned that from you, kind of.” Minette frowned.

  Arden pressed the back of her hand to her forehead. “I’m getting the worst headache right now. It’s like we’re back to the beginning with all of this.” They should’ve been beyond this point by now. “What happened during the archer battle, anyway?”

  “I had to throw everyone we had left at her. It was the only way to get her to leave. You really messed that up for us, you know. You killed Jennifer. You killed Micah. You were out of control!” Minette cried. “I thought you were gonna sudo me again. At least the silly thing I did saved us and didn’t get us almost killed.”

  “Our numbers are ruined. You’ve given us more problems to deal with.”

  “That’s more your fault than mine.”

  “Fine.” Arden threw up her hands. “If that’s how you want to see things, then that’s how we can do this. I thought we were in a better place, but I thought wrong.”

  “Maybe, you did.”

  “You can do everything, then. You’re the dungeon. I’m the pixie. You completely handle everything the next time they come to the dungeon. I’m gonna take a nap.”

  Minette reasoned with her. “No, that’s not how we’re going to win this. We have to work together or there won’t be an ‘us’ anymore. We have to trust each other.”

  “Like I have a good reason to trust you anymore.”

  “You’re Bugsy’ing me.”

  Her accusation slapped Arden in the face. “How dare you say that to me!”

  “It’s true. You’re treating me like he treated you. You order me to do things and you don’t care what I have to say about it. You took everything over and we came this close to losing.”

  “Don’t compare me to him. That is such a low blow.”

  “What else am I supposed to say, huh? You know it’s true. If it wasn’t true, it wouldn’t be affecting you so much right now,” Minette said.

  The urge to curse and scream and wail at her dungeon sparked like a flame inside of Arden. They didn’t have to work together anymore. That’d be the easy route. She’d stomp around, argue, and maybe get her way. They’d give up on any pretenses of having a decent dungeon and pixie relationship.

  Cold hard work. Everybody manning their proper stations. No meeting each other in the middle whatsoever. They’d never have any more reasons to argue if they focused on their own tasks. Nothing shared; everything done in parallel. No more headaches or nonsense.

  “Arden, talk to me, please,” Minette said softly. Her orb, floating beyond her Projection, changed into a darkened blue. “I don’t want to give up on us. You’re the only pixie that’s thought I could be more than trash tier. You’ve believed in me when no one else did.”

  “I’m not…” Arden’s voice wavered. “I’m not like Bugsy, okay? Take that back.”

  “Yeah, you’re not like Bugsy, so don’t act like him. You don’t have anything to prove when you’re with me. That chip on your shoulder? I get that it’s there, but I’m not the one you need to act pissy with. Whatever rage you’re feeling, aim it at Robin’s guild. I’m on your side.”

  Arden wiped her face. “Got it. I’m sorry I treated you like that. I got too caught up in the moment. I should’ve listened to you.”

  “The thing is, you have been listening to me when it comes to making the dungeon. We’ve been doing great at that. Now we have to do it during battles, too. I might not have seen as many fights as you, but I still have worthwhile ideas. They deserve to be heard.”

  “You’re right,” Arden said. “I do have to trust you. We’re partners. I can’t shove you into a corner.”

  Minette’s Projection spread out her arms. “You really can’t. How can you shove me into a corner when I’m every corner? And I’m every hallway, every room, every speck of dirt. I’m everywhere.”

  “You know what I meant.” Arden crossed her arms. Somehow, Minette’s silliness lightened the aching in her core.

  Minette offered her a lighthearted shrug, complete with a smile.

  “Thanks for talking some sense into me,” Arden said. “When it comes down to it, we’re strongest when we work together. Final chance?”

  “It is for the both of us.”

  The next time the adventurers showed up would be the final stand.

  Arden planned on doing everything in her power to ensure that she and Minette would be ready for it.

  Chapter 17

  Xander looked towards his mentor for help. “I don’t think we should let him have any more, Evangeline.”

  The surviving trio sat around their usual table in Kazzipur’s tavern, the one in the corner that afforded them some semblance of privacy. Xander recommended they reconvene in an actually private place, like their shared room at the inn, but Robin shot him down. According to Robin, their visibility would help attract Kazzipurrians to join their cause.

  He said it had to do with a familiarity principle. The more often something was seen, the more likely it was that people would respond to it. It didn’t seem like it had an effect on anyone except for Smokey, a grimy man who liked joining them for drinks and not much else.

  “It’s alright. He needs this,” Evangeline said, sounding less sympathetic and more amused.

  Robin slammed his empty mug against the table. “Get me another!”

  Other than the town guard and young woman sharing food together at the bar, the adventurers had the tavern to themselves. His shouting having no effect on her, the waitress took her time fetching him a replacement drink.

  “Would you like anything to eat?” she asked when she brought it over.

  “No, what I would like,” Robin said, “is f
or you to get me my drinks in a timely manner. Is everyone in this town dull-brained or is it just you?”

  Xander covered his face.

  Evangeline laughed and held up her hands. “Take care of it before he gets any worse.”

  “Everyone in Kazzipur needs help,” Robin added. “They’ve got rocks in their heads.”

  The waitress didn’t respond, her expression muted. She left for the room behind the counter, the bartender barely getting out of her way in time. He made a move to go after her, but stopped midstep. Without him in the room, there would be no one to watch the adventurers. The off-duty town guard certainly wasn’t stepping in.

  “I bet she’s angry,” Evangeline said with a smile. She made light of the situation, as she always did.

  “Not as angry as I am. What was that back there? Jennifer and Micah died and the two of you ran away? That’s unacceptable!”

  “If we didn’t retreat, we’d be dead,” Xander said. “I had to get out of there with Micah.”

  “Don’t forget that you retreated, too,” Evangeline pointed out.

  “Because I had to face a boss battle by myself,” Robin said. “Next time I go in, I’m bringing my best supplies. You know those scrolls Talon left? I’m using them.”

  “You’re going to waste them on this dungeon? I don’t know which scrolls you’re talking about, but any scrolls would be a waste.”

  “If it comes down to it, I’ll use whatever I want to destroy this dungeon.” Robin gulped a mouthful from his mug. “It’s not a waste. It’s up to me to use these things however I want to. That’s what it said in Talon’s will.”

  “I’m not stopping you or arguing with you. I’m giving you my opinion as the ‘old lady of the group.’” Evangeline sat straighter in her chair. “I can tell you’re under a lot of stress stepping into the guild leader role. Talon’s death was very sudden. Very unfortunate. But you don’t have to use this dungeon to prove you’re a worthy successor.”