The Trash Tier Dungeon

by Kaye Fairburn

  “Ignore her,” Minette said. “I like getting fan mail!”

  “This isn’t fan mail. This is stupid, pointless, and annoying mail,” Arden said.

  “Dear Messenger Imp, show us the Lily letter first.”

  The Messenger Imp performed his version of a short, sped-up jig. He threw the letter into the air. It burst into glitter before appearing in Arden and Minette’s psyches.

  [MESSAGE FROM: Lily the Infinite Horror

  Hi, Arden!

  I heard about your new digs. What a pity! I guess that means that Bugsy is finally free. I wonder who his new pixie will be. I bet the thought of it burns you up. Teehee.

  It’s weird not talking to you as much as we used to. I miss our little chats. Things here at the Vine Dungeon have gotten awfully boring. Who wants to rule plants that don’t talk back to you? I’d kill to hear so much as a chitter.

  Anyway, don’t bother writing back. I’m only saying that because I know that you won’t. You never do.

  PS,

  Lily the Infinite Horror

  Vine Dungeon Pixie]

  “She doesn’t even know how to end a message right. You don’t end with a postscript and then your name,” Arden said, rolling her eyes. “And it looks like she’s back to copying my name. Oh, boy.”

  “That letter was a lot less juicy than I wanted it to be. What does the Demon Lord Oiseau want from us?” Minette asked.

  [MESSAGE FROM: The Demon Lord Oiseau, Overseer of Bellstrang’s Dungeons and Ruler of Cross-eyed Pigeons

  Arden and Minette,

  Decision day is coming for you soon. I hope that you’re ready. You should have a good idea of what I’m hoping to see. I’m not expecting you to already have an established theme and storyline for your dungeon, given your age, but that’d be bonus points.

  If you pass my test, I have an offer for you both that you may be interested in. I look forward to seeing you in 48 hours’ time.

  Very respectfully,

  The Demon Lord Oiseau

  Overseer of Bellstrang’s Dungeons

  Ruler of Cross-eyed Pigeons]

  “Okay, that’s a little bit juicy,” Minette said.

  Arden stuttered. “T-two days. Where did the time go? We don’t have any units left.”

  The Messenger Imp coughed into his fist. “Not that I read your letter or anything, but he’s merely testing you, right?”

  “It’s not a mere test. It’s a potential death sentence,” Arden said. “He’s gonna decide if I deserve to live or not.”

  “He’ll probably use that memory spell thing he has and take all of our experiences into account. Everything’s going to factor into his review,” Minette said.

  Arden wanted to roll up into a ball. “Let’s hope that our experiences are good enough.”

  The imp offered her some sympathy. “I’m sure that they are. Don’t let this get you down. It’s only the Demon Lord Oiseau’s opinion. Yeah, his opinion means life or death for you, but it’s still an opinion. No pressure. Do your best.”

  “No pressure at all. Where have I heard that before?” Arden mumbled.

  How nice that would’ve been if that were true. The problem was that they either received a passing score or Arden would be facing a perpetual zero.

  Zero health points, zero mana, zero respawns, zero life to live at all. She’d be obliterated. She hoped that, in the event that she somehow produced a golden skull when she got vaporized, Minette would see it fit to add her to the mantle in loving memory.

  Minette’s gentle voice graced her ears. “Don’t you worry, Arden. We’ll get through this like we’ve gotten through everything else. If everything we went through doesn’t keep you alive, then…” Minette’s words tapered off. “Then, it was great working with you. Now, stop looking so down! As soon as the imp is out of here, we’re going to rise from the ashes. Two days isn’t a long time so we can’t spend any of it sulking, you hear me?”

  “I hear you.”

  “Good. Let’s get to work!”

  ***

  Working was a difficult task given that their ranks had gone to ruin. Many of their traps had either been dismantled or destroyed altogether. The workercats exploded in a valiant sacrifice that led to the dungeon’s survival. Their combat units were wiped out, their numbers used to hold off the adventurers.

  All in all, it felt like they were starting back at the beginning, except for with a brand-new understanding of the necessity of balance.

  Because they had no units, they were automatically given one new workercat to start with. The workercat came along with an unlocked Advancement.

  [CONGRATULATIONS! -ADVANCEMENT UNLOCKED-

  You have discovered the “To the End” Advancement for the workercats! Units with this special trait gain a +5 defensive buff when defending the Dungeon Heart. View the Advancement on its appropriate screen for more information.

  You may now research this Advancement.]

  After the damage they’d done to their maze, they had to fill in the literal gaps. Restructuring the dungeon was quite the process.

  Arden focused on defending their portals. She warded off any monsters that threatened to visit them from the surface level.

  Once they created a second workercat, production picked up. One workercat mined shinies, while the other one helped restore the dungeon to its pre-Robin and crew appearance. Minette used her Projection skill to cheer everyone on. Arden couldn’t help the warm, gooey feeling rattling in her chest whenever she passed Minette’s Projection by. Her Projections’ Morale boosting properties were very real.

  Later, Arden asked Minette if she had any ideas for a storyline and some theming to go along with it. She listed some examples for her dungeon to think about.

  “Davis’ Dungeon draws its inspiration from children’s toys. Their backstory is that all of the units were forgotten toys that gained sentience. They fight adventurers while looking for their former owners and waiting for their return. Something about their murderous ways sends a message that they need to be loved.” Arden shrugged.

  “Cats need love, too.”

  “But we can’t use that same storyline. We have to come up with something different. See, a good storyline could be the difference between us charming the Demon Lord Oiseau and not. It’s important. Bonus points add up.”

  “Um, I don’t know. We’re a bunch of cats who love to dance. We’re looking for the perfect dance partners.”

  “That doesn’t make sense. We want to kill people, not dance with them.”

  “You wanted me to be unique,” Minette argued.

  “Not so unique that it has nothing to do with what’s going on.”

  “Why don’t we go with our story? A desperate pixie and a misguided dungeon join forces to get on the Demon Lord Oiseau’s good side. If they don’t win his approval, the pixie will be annihilated. The dungeon will probably cry for a day or two. It’ll be sad.”

  Arden balked. “Only for a day or two?”

  Minette laughed to repel any misgivings. “I’m kidding! Seriously, though, we should just be ourselves. The Demon Lord Oiseau knows we’re not going to be perfect. We’re new at working together. He’ll understand. What he wants to see is our potential. Let’s go with the truth. Forget the theme.”

  “Change your wording about me from desperate to determined, and I’ll grant you that storyline. I feel like admitting I’m desperate would rub him the wrong way,” Arden said.

  “Then you better scrub your face and hope your desperation doesn’t show when he’s here,” Minette teased.

  Arden made a mental note to practice her facial expressions. Everything had to be perfect, down to the look on her face. As desperate as she actually was, she didn’t want to contribute to any loss in their rating.

  ***

  Hours before the Demon Lord Oiseau was due to arrive, the Trash Tier Dungeon received a visitor. He looked better than he did the last time he saw them. His sunken cheeks were finally filling out, his hair di
dn’t look combed and greased to hell, and his beard had been tamed. It no longer ran wild all over his face.

  Minette greeted him first. “Hey! I’ll deactivate the traps. Give me a moment.”

  Once it was safe for him to travel through the dungeon, Smokey headed for the Dungeon Heart room. Arden took on the job of guiding him through the hallways, telling him about the various traps along the way.

  They’d filled in the problem areas and done a little bit more restructuring to increase the difficulty in reaching Minette. The laws of dungeon making forbid them from blocking off the Dungeon Heart entirely, but they did what they could to slow down any incoming adventurers.

  New cattens, the beginning of their growing army, patrolled the halls. They sniffed Smokey as he passed, Minette’s green-colored Influence flashing under them. Her Influence kept them from attacking him on sight.

  “Don’t you worry about them,” Minette said, noticing Smokey’s concern. “They won’t do anything bad.”

  Trusting in Minette, Smokey walked the rest of the way through the dungeon with his head held high.

  As soon as he entered the Dungeon Heart room, he dropped to his knees in deference. Arden hovered near Minette’s orb. The dungeon chose not to cast her Projection, perhaps so she wouldn’t overly excite her follower.

  Smokey hung his head low. “The adventurers haven’t been back to Kazzipur. I take it that you’ve defeated them?”

  Arden gestured to the mantel that held their collection of golden skulls. “Defeated and on display,” she said.

  “Should I take the skulls back to the town?” he asked. “Is it time for the next phase of recruitment?”

  “I’d wait until we know if I’m dead or not,” Arden said. “The Demon Lord Oiseau’s giving his review today.”

  “You’re not going to die. Don’t be silly,” Minette said. “Once we know for sure, I’m going to need you to spread the word around. Tell people in Kazzipur about us. We’re going to need a lot of word-of-mouth and you need to be the loudest mouth of all, Smokey.”

  “Will do,” Smokey said. “I knew that you’d defeat those adventurers. I never doubted you for a second.”

  “Thank you. For your service, we have a gift. Arden, bring Smokey the gift.”

  “What gift? We didn’t talk about getting him any gifts.”

  “That gift.”

  “Right, okay, that gift.” The gift that didn’t exist and Arden needed to come up with on the spot. She looked through her Inventory, then remembered the random compass she’d found. “Here you go.”

  Smokey turned it over in his hands, admiring the workmanship. “Thank you. I will cherish it.” He placed it around his neck, the compass hanging off of the chain. “When will your Demon Lord be here?”

  “Very soon,” Minette said. “I’m not too worried, but Arden over there has been pulling her hair out.”

  “Have not!”

  “I saw what you did to your fingernails. Your hair’s going to be next if you keep messing with it.”

  Arden hid her hands behind her back. “My fingernails are fine. Anyway, Smokey, we have some last-minute preparations to take care of.”

  “Don’t forget to spread the word as much as you can,” Minette said. “Thank you so much! A dungeon is nothing without its fans.”

  Smokey struggled not to smile too widely at her praise. “You’re very welcome. I wish you the best of luck. I’m sure you won’t need it.”

  “Hopefully,” Arden said, knowing full well that they probably needed heaps of luck in droves.

  Chapter 25

  By the time the Demon Lord Oiseau arrived, Arden’s stomach turned into a bramble bush. Her palms sweated like never before, becoming impossible to dry on her clothing.

  The Demon Lord Oiseau’s eyes wandered around, scrutinizing every corner of the Warp Gate room. She greeted him there.

  “Good day to you, sir,” she said, holding out her hand. “I hope you’ll find our dungeon to your liking.”

  He looked at her like she’d sprouted wings for her wings. “Who are you and what have you done to Arden the Endless Terror?”

  “I can’t be polite?” Arden let her hand drop to her side.

  “Polite isn’t how I’d normally characterize you,” the Demon Lord Oiseau said. “You must be feeling frazzled.”

  “Maybe, a little bit.”

  “Hey there! It’s Minette!” the dungeon’s voice chimed from above. “Hope you enjoy the walkthrough. Is there anything special you’d like us to do?”

  “I’d like to review Arden’s memories after the sudo incident. I’d like to see if you’ve been getting along any better. After that, I shall proceed with my assessment.”

  “Go ahead. Look at whatever you need,” Arden said.

  He held his hand over, her senses blotting out as he performed his examination. She felt her skin being pulled and lifted, although, in reality, it didn’t move at all.

  “Okay,” the Demon Lord Oiseau said once he finished. “I think I’ve gotten a decent sampling of what’s been going on. I’ll carry on the rest of my review alone, so, if you’d kindly find some other place to be, that’d be great.”

  “No problem.”

  Arden flew off.

  Once out of the Demon Lord Oiseau’s view, she teleported to the Monster Lounge. Her jitteriness had her pacing in circles. Unable to find any respite, she decided to take her leave. She hoped that getting some fresh air would help get her mind off of the Demon Lord Oiseau’s impending review.

  And most chiefly, her possible death.

  She wandered the forest, careful not to run into any monsters or beasts roaming about. Arden committed to memory all of the things that she’d never get to do again as a dead person. She touched bark, flew through the tree leaves, and did aerial tricks.

  Arden didn’t return for hours. She entered the dungeon, remaining in the Warp Gate room.

  “Finally!” Minette said. “I thought you’d ran away.”

  “How pointless would that be? The Demon Lord Oiseau could find me no matter where I went,” Arden said. “What did he decide? Where is he?” It was possible that he left to find some bread to put her between.

  “He’s in his lair or something. He wanted to take some time to think everything over. He said he’ll be back when he’s ready. I made sure to put in a good word for you while you were gone.”

  “Great. Did he check our menus?”

  “Yep. The Demon Lord Oiseau’s quite thorough.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of. He might uncover something we missed, something we should have taken care of.”

  “There’s nothing we can do at this point except wait for him to come back, so let’s get some work done.”

  In Arden’s case, waiting involved a lot of crying and rolling on the floor. She would’ve described it as letting her eyes refresh while exercising her wings. Whatever it was, it was clear that the waiting was getting to her. She could barely focus on any of Minette’s planning for their dungeon.

  All of her thoughts focused on the Demon Lord Oiseau’s review and the very real possibility that this was the end for her.

  ***

  Arden wasn’t sure how much time had passed between then and the Demon Lord Oiseau’s reappearance at their dungeon. She’d stopped keeping track of things, instead spending her days laying in the Monster Lounge.

  Minette’s attempts to interact with her were unsuccessful. The same thing went for the cattens and workercats who poked and prodded her. Nothing anyone did motivated her into activity.

  She wanted to get everything over with. As much as she wanted to hope and be hopeful, like the ever-hopeful pixie she was supposed to be, she was a fatalist at heart.

  Minette said hello to the Demon Lord Oiseau. “I take it you’ve made your decision.”

  She couldn’t hear his reply in return, his volume not carrying to her. Arden teleported to the Dungeon Heart room, where her expectations of seeing him were met.

  “
Arden the Endless Terror, it’s been a long month, hasn’t it been?” the Demon Lord Oiseau asked, his tone lofty and much too light-hearted for the news he was likely to deliver. “It looks like your wings have lost their luster.”

  “Incredible amounts of stress will do that to a pixie,” she said bitterly.

  “My apologies for taking my time with this. I wrestled back and forth with my decision,” he said. “Whatever the outcome, you can be grateful that your stress will come to an end soon. I don’t like to prolong these kinds of things.”

  Minette’s orb flashed a dark blue. “Hey, I want to say something. Does it really have to be your decision? Shouldn’t it be up to me? Arden learned her lesson. She’s the best pixie I’ve ever had. I’d like to keep her, no matter what you decide.”

  The Demon Lord Oiseau disagreed. “Unfortunately, these are the terms that we agreed upon. I have the power here. Moreover, she committed the same mistake that landed her here to you.”

  “If you found any shortcomings with our dungeon, I’d like to take the blame for them. Arden’s been supportive this whole time in her own way,” Minette said. “I won’t let you take her from me.” Her color changed to red.

  Arden clutched her heart.

  “This is how the situation is. Your personal feelings don’t factor into this,” the Demon Lord Oiseau said.

  “It’s okay, Minette. The Endless Terror was bound to end sometime. You can look back on our time together and learn from it for your next pixie, if it comes to that,” Arden said.

  “Oh, Arden.” Minette sounded like she was choking up with tears.

  “Yeesh, the two of you have gotten a lot sappier since my last visit. You’re making me uncomfortable.” He turned away.

  “Sorry for being emotional for once,” Arden mumbled.

  “You may have a lot more to get emotional about once you hear my verdict,” the Demon Lord Oiseau said. He cleared his throat, beating his chest as if it would dislodge something. “Arden the Endless Terror, your time with Minette hasn’t been perfect. It’s certainly had its ups and downs and a fair amount of quarreling. In the end, however, you pulled together and triumphed over enemy forces despite your newness as a dungeon.”