All This Time

by Stacy Lane

“Y’all are going to make me puke,” Brady groans.

  “Take it outside then. ‘Cause we’re leaving.”

  “I need a little time. I’ll lock up behind me.”

  “No,” Luke retorts. “You’re leaving now.”

  “Give me a ride home at least,” he whines like a child.

  “Sorry, bro. Gonna have to walk. We have to hurry it out of here.”

  “Desperate to go pick up my daughter so you can shove it in my face how perfect you think this crap with you two is?”

  “I don’t have to shove it in your face.” Luke reaches across the counter, snagging Brady’s half empty coffee cup out from under him and dumping it in the sink. “And Walt’s in the hospital, you ass. We have to get going.”

  Brady lifts his head. “Is he okay?”

  To my surprise, he asks with real concern.

  “He fell and hit his head.”

  “Damn. Hope he’s all right.”

  “Thanks,” I reply.

  Brady nods, sobering slightly and saying nothing further until we are all outside. I almost suggest Luke to drive him home, but my will wins out. He deserves to walk it off. Think about his actions and consequences.

  “If you’re in town all weekend, think I can see Brielle some time?” he calls out.

  Luke and I are at my car. He insists on driving, although, I’m curious to see how he plans on squeezing his long legs behind the wheel.

  Brady’s a good ten yards away down the drive. I glance over at Luke, unsure what to say. He was incredibly nasty to us last night, and I know all about alcohol speaking for you when under the influence, but with my dad in the hospital I don’t know how much more family drama I can take for one weekend.

  “We’ll see how Walt turns out, and if Bri needs to go visit him or not,” Luke answers for me.

  I love him all the more for understanding without me needing to say a word.

  “But if you do see her, you better be sober,” he finishes.

  Brady nods, turns and treks down the long driveway.

  We pass him as we leave. I take Luke’s hand in mine as he drives us to the hospital, admiring his profile, strong jaw, and mirrored sunglasses.

  Nerves settle in over my dad’s current situation like I’ve never felt before. When he told me he was sick I was shocked and scared because I didn’t know what to feel for a man that was barely present in my life growing up. But I’ve grown used to talking with him almost daily on the phone. He’s been more of a dad to me than ever before.

  There’s a guilt weighing heavy on my conscience that I wasn’t there to find him instead of Janice. Yes, she’s his nurse, but I’m his only family. He’s all alone. I left him alone.

  I lift a hand, using a finger to swipe away a single tear falling from my eye. Adjusting my view out the window.

  Luke clutches his palm around my hand tighter, but says nothing. Always knowing what I need the most. And right now that’s only his comfort.

  At the hospital we meet Janice on the third floor in the waiting room. She waited for us to arrive before taking off.

  Luke and I walk down the sterile hallway to his room. The air cold. The halls eerily quiet, only shuffles and beep beep beep-ing from inside each room we pass until they fade into the next. The smell is fresh and purified and almost as if they keep mist sprayers every ten feet spritzing out antiseptic spray.

  “Hi, dad,” I say in a soft tone at the door.

  “Hey, darlin’.” He shifts, trying to sit up higher. “You didn’t need to come out here. Just a concussion. They’ll release me tomorrow.”

  “Of course I came. How are you? Do you need anything?”

  “Nah. Unless you know a way of getting me out of here sooner.”

  “Not funny.” I pull the chair to the right of his bed closer, and sit down.

  “Luke,” my dad greets.

  “Hey there, Walt.”

  “Where’s my granddaughter?” he asks.

  “She spent the night at Della’s. I’m not picking her up until later.”

  “Good.” He nods. “Best she stay away from hospitals as long as possible. I prefer her not seeing me on the real bad days.”

  “She’s gonna find out sometime, Dad.”

  At his request, we haven’t told her about his cancer yet. He wanted to give her as much filtered time as he could before the she learns the sad truth to that word, and its meaning.

  “I’m not breaking the little heart she handed me that afternoon y’all walked in my door. That’ll send me to the grave sooner.”

  “Why do you have to talk like that,” I grumble.

  “We all die, Livvie,” he brushes off.

  “Have you been taking your medicine?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why’d you pass out then?”

  “Because I’m filled with cancer, Liv.”

  “Dad.”

  He sighs. “Fine. I take the meds. They just aren’t working anymore. Doc says my only option now is chemo.”

  “Okay. When are you starting that?”

  “I’m not.”

  Luke places a sturdy palm on my shoulder.

  “You’re joking.”

  “I’m too far gone. Those chemicals are only going to make me feel worse sooner than I planned to. No point in leaving a large bill behind after my death for something that ain’t going to work.”

  “You cannot be serious right now,” I ground out, disbelief stricken across my face.

  Luke likes to remind me how stubborn I am, but this is a whole new level of Benson stubbornness.

  “I’m gonna let y’all talk. Want anything from the cafeteria, babe?” Luke asks behind me.

  I shake my head no.

  “Chicken shit,” Dad whispers.

  “You’re the one about to get an earful, old man, not me.”

  Luke steps out of the room. I never take my eyes off my dad.

  His weakness is Brielle. And I planned on using my daughter as leverage.

  “Bri deserves to have you longer than you’re going to give her.”

  We had our issues aplenty, but we had our time together and screwed it up. He could have so much more with Brielle.

  “Don’t do that, Liv.”

  “It’s the truth. She just met you, and she loves you. Refusing treatment will only result in a more rapid decline.”

  “I’m dying, Livvie.” Hearing my childhood nickname from him again kicks me in the gut. “The timing doesn’t matter. I wish I had more memories to give her than the few she’ll be left with, but the ending is all the same.”

  I grit my teeth, refraining from snapping at an old, sick man.

  Before I can jump down his throat some more, he interrupts.

  “I thought about finding y’all,” his gravelly voice carries around the stationary patient room. Looking beyond him, I stare at the empty, made bed on the other side. “It only crossed my mind on the days I was sober enough. When I had two weeks on the road, and only my heavy thoughts in the rig with me.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t come back sooner.”

  “Nothing to be sorry for. I was the one to give that final push when you thought about leaving.”

  “Still. You’re my dad. I should have come back.” My gaze dips.

  “I shouldn’t have turned you out.”

  “I would have left at some point, Dad. My friends were doing things to move forward with their lives. Luke was with my best friend and I had strong feelings for him. I thought if I stayed I would’ve had to watch them be together. Raise a baby alone or with Brady’s help, but Luke would’ve never wanted me had I stayed.”

  “Y’all were nineteen. You’re lives shouldn’t have revolved around each other anyway. Besides, it all worked out.”

  “I know that now,” I smile. “But you don’t know as much as you think you do at nineteen.”

  “When you told me you were pregnant I was afraid of one thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You becoming your momma
. Not in the sense of leaving your kid, but being trapped like she was. I stopped your Mom from the things she wanted out of life. It was my fault she took off on us.”

  “There are moms everywhere doing what they love while being a parent. You are not to blame for her weakness. We had a rough relationship, Dad, but you never left me.”

  “Liv, let’s not sugarcoat this just because I’m dying. I may have been there physically, but I neglected you just like she did. I lost myself when she left. I wasn’t strong. I found myself too late, and it took my daughter leaving for me to realize that. And I have to live what little time I have left with those regrets. You forgive me?”

  Picking up his weathered hand I lay a kiss on his knuckles, and nod. Emotion clogging my throat.

  “Wish I had been there for you. To have someone to talk to like we are now, instead of pushing you away. I’m sorry, Livvie.”

  “Maybe I should move back. Help take care of you.” I keep ahold of his hand in both of mine.

  With everyone throwing that idea at me, maybe it’s not such a bad thing. With Dad’s withering health, I feel almost desperate to move to Calusa.

  “Don’t go doing anything like that because of me,” he argues.

  “You’re the perfect reason to do just that.”

  He shakes his head. “I’m proud of the life you’re leading for Brielle. You can’t mess that up now.”

  “It’s not going to mess anything up. I don’t know when we can move back, but I’m going to start working on it.”

  “If you say so,” he grumbles.

  “That was easy,” my lips twitch.

  “Well, if I’m being honest I’d love to have you and Brielle living in Calusa. Not to mention that boyfriend of yours would love it too. Janice tells me he talks about you to everyone in town every chance he gets.”

  “Can’t imagine how that’s received,” I reply in a dry tone.

  “That boy’s considered the most eligible bachelor in Calusa. You’re definitely not a fan favorite.”

  “Not sure I ever was, Dad.”

  “That’s horseshit. Nobody worth their salt believed that crap Brady said.”

  My mouth curls with a smile. Not sure if it’s the sobriety or the dying part of it, but his curt honesty is comical.

  “Maybe. It’ll be fun showing them all Luke’s taken now, anyway.”

  “Della helps you there, too. Miss Chatty Cathy sticks it to those nob-nose twins every chance she gets.”

  “Twins? You mean Stephanie and Jessica?”

  “Yes, them brats.”

  “I didn’t know Della would stick up for me like that.”

  “That girl’s had your back more than anyone, Liv. There may be some old wounds that’ll need mending, but nothing time can’t fix.”

  “We do seem different these days,” I ponder, looking in to his familiar blue eyes. Fatigued with doubt over Della consumes me.

  “Nothing about Della has changed, darlin’. You’re just not under her spell like you used to be. And she’s gotta learn to share the one person she never had to let go of even when she found someone new.”

  “Luke,” I say beneath my breath.

  He shifts around in his bed, wincing as he does. “Sometimes when people change, others around you stay along your same path, or they go their own way. You’re on two different tracks. Doesn’t mean you can’t be friends, just means you may not be as close as you once were.”

  “So basically I’m worried about her and Luke still having old feelings for each other for no reason?” I wince.

  “That’s what’s got you worried?” he ask. “Shoot, darlin’, if you would’ve just started there I would have told you Luke only has eyes for you. He won’t lose you again, either. Della dips her nose in everyones business. It’s her way, but she’s not after Luke anymore.”

  Maybe I’ve been judging her actions too harshly. Maybe it’s not old feelings between Luke and Della I’m imagining, but a friend having to learn how to share someone that means a lot to her.

  Maybe I’m not losing a best friend all over again.

  It’s a lot of maybes, because I’m not too sure how much I really believe all that.

  It’s my insecurities that are the problem here. At least I can recognize that.

  “I love him,” I whisper. “I always have, but it’s so much more now.”

  “He’s a good man.” He closes his heavy eyes, and then forces them back open. “I can rest easy knowing he’ll be protecting you and Brielle for the rest of his life.”

  “Sounds like you two talk often.”

  “I enjoy his visits. Don’t go telling him that, you hear?”

  “Mmhmm.” I stand from my seat, leaning over him and kissing his cheek. “Get some rest, Dad. And call when they release you so I can come pick you up.”

  “Alright,” he mumbles with tired speech.

  “Dad,” I say in soft plea above him. “I need you longer than you’re giving me. I need more happy memories like this one. I need more time to make up with my dad.”

  Tears slip down my face. He lifts a hand, poked and prodded with IVs, and wipes away the wet. Tears glistening in his own eyes. Strength still flexes in his hold to contradict his illness.

  “I thought I didn’t have anything to live for,” he admits. “It may be too late, but I’ll try.”

  I let go of the giant exhalation I’ve been holding. Seizing every breath in and out, hiccuping with tears and smiles and relief.

  Chapter Twenty Four

  After Luke and I left the hospital, we picked up Brielle. Della asked all of us over for dinner, but Luke countered by offering his place since he has a full functioning kitchen now.

  Paul agreed, thrilled. Della, on the other hand, seemed sour from the second her husband answered for them.

  Della liked hosting because she got to be the center of attention. She may love our couples gatherings, but not being the only girl in the group and getting all the attention from Luke and Paul revealed its ugly deeds more and more.

  It’s time for a come-to-Jesus meeting, I’m thinking. I can’t keep going on with these spiteful feelings I have for her. I don’t want to believe there’s a world I live in where Della is not my longest, dearest friend.

  We greeted them at the front door, Paul’s hands filled with a dish he cooked that was drifting straight to my nostrils.

  “Oh, Luke,” Della says with horror upon entering his house. “Run out of razors?”

  Then she pats his cheek. All condescending like.

  Stepping up next to him, I pull his face into my hands. The scruffy stubble covering Luke’s lower face scratches my soft palms. I’m making a point, but I don’t have to try very hard. His unshaven beard tickles my flesh, drawing more attention to his plump lips. The dark bristles deepen his chocolate stare.

  “If there are razors in your bathroom, I might sabotage them,” I speak up, licking my lips.

  Della chooses to ignore us and walks further in to the house.

  Luke sweeps his mouth across my neck, climbing to my ear.

  “If you need more convincing on the beard I’ll show you later tonight,” he murmurs.

  “Don’t need it. I’m already sold.”

  “I’ll show you anyway.”

  Floating on the kind of high only Luke Bennett can leave me with, I carry on with our friends in a relaxed state for the next hour. No drugs needed to calm my anxiety when my man whispers promises like that one in my ear.

  The kids are down the hall in Brielle’s room.

  Brielle’s room. Sounds strange and wonderful at the same time.

  Luke surprised us both earlier today. Preoccupied from all the sex we did the night before, I never roamed beyond the kitchen and Luke’s bedroom. But on the other side of the house Luke chose the larger of three bedrooms for Brielle.

  When he opened the door, covering Brielle’s eyes and heightening her excitement, I was shocked with what displayed from the inside. Even more so when he admitted to doin
g it all on his own, no help.

  A tremendous canopy bed staged one wall making it the focal point of the room. The matching dresser and mirror sat across from it.

  There are bunkbeds, and then there is this bunkbed. White framing held a full size mattress on top, and stairs to climb up on the left. Not a ladder, but actual stairs with a banister. The bottom, beneath the raised platform, was empty and open for whatever she chooses to put there later on. For now, Luke added a soft looking pink saucer chair.

  Upon immediate surprise, Brielle let go a high pitched shriek with jumping and arms flailing.

  And she only got louder when she climbed the steps to find her bed decked out in Star Wars.

  Luke, always Mr. Confident and Protector, remained stoic by the door while we inspected his generous gift.

  “I wanted Bri to have her own room when y’all come down,” he told me with gentle vulnerability.

  “Did you build this yourself?”

  “No. I’m not that talented. I left the walls bare, so she can decorate however she pleases.” Brielle bounced on her new bed. I stood center, amazed. “It was incredibly intimidating shopping for a little girl, I’m not gonna lie.”

  He laughs to himself. My toes sink into the butter soft, cream carpet as I trek to where he stands.

  “Luke, I love it. Thank you!” Brielle yells, picking up her R2D2 body pillow and squeezing it tightly to her small chest. The damn thing is bigger than her.

  “You’re welcome, sweetheart.” He smiles proudly, beaming with elated joy now that she’s put him at ease.

  “Feel that?” I tap a finger over his heart.

  “What?” his lips lift on one side in a curious grin.

  “The reward you get when your kid is happy. There’s no better feeling than that.”

  Luke’s smile freezes. “My kid.”

  I shrug, susceptible to what he’s feeling too. “When I gave you my heart, I was handing you my daughter’s as well.”

  “Liv,” he breaths on a prayer.

  “You’re her uncle, I know, it’s unconventional, but you’ve been more of a father to her than she’s ever had, Luke.”

  “I’ll cherish the two of you for as long as I breathe,” he whispers, lifting my face to take my mouth.

  We stood there attacking each other with our lips until Brielle kicked us out of her new room.