Until There Was Us

by Samantha Chase

  Maybe there’d come a time when he’d get over it—not just Dena’s words and actions, but his near-obsessive distrust of pretty much everyone. Man, he hoped so. The constant tension and negative energy was slowly making him insane. The isolation wasn’t bothering him, but not even being able to relax enough to enjoy it was.

  Pacing away from the building, Julian pulled out his phone and decided he needed a minute to get himself under control. He needed to calm down before going inside and doing…he still didn’t know what.

  Scrolling through his contacts, he pulled up Riley’s number and hit it.

  “Julian!” Riley said excitedly as he answered. “You’re back!”

  Unable to help himself, he laughed, because it felt good to know there were people who were genuinely concerned about him and his well-being. He’d been so determined not to feel anything for so long that it was a little weird to feel this good about his friend’s reaction.

  “Yeah, man. I’m back,” he said gruffly as he kept walking.

  “So, how are you? You doing okay? You back in LA?”

  “Actually, I’m staying in Malibu right now.”

  “Ah,” Riley said knowingly. “Mick mentioned he had a place on hold for you there.”

  There was no point in bringing up his reasons for moving, Riley was fully in the know about all of that. “I was relieved to have the option. I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal to be home, but…”

  “It was,” Riley finished for him. “And I can’t blame you. I remember Dylan saying the same thing. Maybe some people can just go back and pick up where they left off and reason how it’s just a house, but it’s not. It’s a place that holds memories—good and bad.”

  “Exactly.”

  “But seriously, Jules, how are you?”

  He shrugged even though his friend couldn’t see him. “I thought I was doing okay,” he admitted honestly, “but…now I’m not so sure.”

  “Uh-oh. What happened?”

  Julian explained about his meeting with Charlotte this morning. Looking back, he realized it was wrong to be so evasive with her. After all, the last thing he needed was a…what did she call herself…a vocational rehabilitation advisor? He didn’t need a job and he didn’t particularly want one.

  So what was he doing here?

  And that’s exactly what Riley asked him.

  “Maybe I’m just bored.”

  Riley laughed.

  “What’s so damn funny?”

  “Because you’re never bored. In all the years we’ve known each other, you’re the one who is always doing something. There were times I felt exhausted just watching you or listening to all of the things you would do—writing music, playing music, producing music. I swear, for the longest time I thought you couldn’t possibly be human because it seemed like you never slept. So really, I don’t think you’re bored, exactly. If anything, you hate to just sit and relax.”

  “I’ve been doing nothing but sitting and relaxing for three months,” Julian reminded him.

  “Not really. You’ve been running away from your demons. Not the same thing.”

  That was one way of looking at it, he supposed. Still… “Not without good reason. But that’s neither here nor there. Now that I’m back, I’m sort of unsure what I want to do.”

  “Why don’t we get together and hang out tomorrow? I’ll call Dylan and he can join us, and I know Matt’s back in North Carolina right now, but maybe he can fly out one day next week and we can all get together and jam. What do you think?”

  He thought the way his heart was hammering that he was going to pass out.

  Even though Julian had felt fairly certain he was ready to walk away from this part of his life—playing music—telling his bandmates wasn’t going to be easy. And he didn’t even want the temptation of getting behind a set of drums right now. He didn’t want to think about doing it again—playing, opening himself back up to the type of people who had betrayed him—and yet he didn’t want to hurt Riley’s feelings. Or Dylan’s, or Matt’s, or even Mick’s. Although, he was fairly certain their manager suspected it was coming.

  He just didn’t want to get into it all right now.

  “How about we just deal with tomorrow and we’ll talk about the rest?” he said after a minute.

  “I understand.”

  And while Riley was probably the most levelheaded guy Julian had ever known and he’d dealt with his own anxiety where music was concerned, there was no way he could fully understand what Julian was dealing with. It was impossible. Mainly because he couldn’t explain it himself.

  “So let’s get back to what it is you’re doing right now,” Riley said, interrupting his thoughts. “Why are you there at this homeless shelter? I mean, not that it’s a bad thing—volunteer work is awesome—but somehow I don’t think this is all about you doing your good deed for the day. What made you decide to drive to Santa Monica for this?”

  His immediate response—even though he didn’t say it out loud—was Charlotte.

  She just… Raking a hand through his hair, he sighed. There was something about her that made it impossible for him to just walk away and never see her again. And besides, it wasn’t like he had anything to do today. What was the harm in volunteering at a homeless shelter? There were worse ways for him to spend his time.

  “I don’t know. The chick seemed so passionate about what she was talking about that I was curious.”

  It wasn’t a total lie.

  “Okay, so this is about doing a good deed,” Riley said casually. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “I know,” Julian replied, a little defensively.

  Riley chuckled. “You seem a little on edge for a guy just looking to do something nice. You sure that’s all there is to it?”

  “What else would there be?”

  “Jules, how long have we known each other?”

  “Over a decade.”

  “Exactly. Granted, for the second half of that decade you were involved with Dena and I spent most of the time scratching my head wondering what you were doing, but overall I think I know you pretty well.”

  “Is this going anywhere?” he asked, hoping he sounded bored and not annoyed.

  “I think maybe it’s about the girl a little more than it’s about the deed.”

  There were so many things on the tip of Julian’s tongue and yet he couldn’t get the words out. Riley was right. This was about Charlotte and it freaked him out more than it should. He knew that, but he didn’t know why.

  With a huff of agitation, Julian said, “Look, I should go. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

  Luckily Riley didn’t push him and they agreed on a time, and when he hung up, he had to wonder if he’d have any answers by then.

  Julian looked up and down the street and realized this wasn’t a particularly great part of town. He’d parked several blocks away at a parking garage because…well, partly because this wasn’t a great part of town and partly because he knew if Charlotte saw his Mercedes SUV she’d have some questions for him.

  And he wasn’t prepared to answer them just yet.

  Not that he owed her—or anyone—an explanation. He was here to do a good thing and that’s all that mattered.

  Slowly he made his way back up the street and stood in front of the center. It was a rundown-looking place—faded brick facade, dirty glass windows and doors. The small green space in front was neatly manicured, but other than that, it didn’t look all that welcoming. Maybe that was intentional—this was a functional space to help people temporarily and they didn’t want it to look so appealing that you’d want to stay for the long-term. Although he couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to stay homeless. Sometimes that was the unfairness of life: you were thrust into circumstances beyond your control and ended up living the life you never imagined.


  Fortunately, there were places like this and people like Charlotte to help you. He was taken from his reverie by the door opening and much to his surprise, Charlotte stepped out. Her blue eyes widened, as did her smile when she spotted him.

  “Julian,” she said with a hint of surprise. “I’m so glad you decided to come.” She looked up one side of the block and down the other before looking back at him. “Did you have a hard time getting here?”

  “Not at all,” he replied. GPS makes getting anywhere easy.

  “I’m so glad. We’re just waiting for a few people, but you’re more than welcome to come inside and get something to eat and drink. We’ve got some coffee and doughnuts set up for the meeting, so please help yourself.”

  “I’m good,” he said. “But thank you.”

  “I was just coming out to see if anyone else had arrived. We’re due to start in five minutes.”

  There really wasn’t anything he could say to that so he just stood with her and waited. After a minute he asked, “So…how does this all work? Do you unload the truck first or do your class first?”

  Tucking her hair behind her ear, she looked at him and seemed pleased that he was initiating the conversation. “We’ll start out with the class. We have a room set up with a conference table and a whiteboard, and computer stations around the perimeter. We’ll spend the first thirty minutes talking about the progress everyone’s made in the last week, and I’ll answer any questions the first-timers may have. Afterward, we’ll spend an hour applying for and setting up as many interviews as possible. Once the hour is up, we’ll head back to the loading dock and help with the truck and whatever else is needed.”

  Julian was about to ask her if he could just skip the class and go directly to the labor, but she started talking again.

  “I think you’ll find the class very helpful. Part of the problem so many people struggle with is looking for the kind of job they want.” She paused when he looked at her like she was crazy. After all, what was wrong with going after the kind of job you want?

  Then she continued. “Sometimes it’s important to start with something you might be overqualified for just to get back into the workforce. And then—in time—build up to a job that is maybe more on your level.”

  “Seems to me you’re asking people to sell themselves short,” he commented. “Why not encourage them to apply for a job they’re qualified for that offers training so there’s a chance for advancement?”

  “Because right now most of the people I work with are homeless or don’t have a wardrobe or even transportation to get them to and from a job. I don’t want anyone to get discouraged or have any excuses. If they can start at something—anything—and start collecting a paycheck, soon they’ll be able to look into buying the clothes they need to go on interviews with a place that is maybe more on their level of expertise. Not everyone who comes here is ready to go to work in the corporate world.”

  “I suppose.”

  “Believe it or not, it’s taking the first step that truly is the hardest. We tend to build up these scenarios of self-doubt in our minds and think we can’t possibly overcome the hard circumstances and it paralyzes us.”

  “Us?” he asked.

  She smiled and laughed softly. “You know what I mean. I’m speaking figuratively, not literally. The fear of failure truly stops so many people from doing what needs to be done. For example, you take a family who are homeless due to the husband losing his job. He’ll struggle with a lot of emotions over that and his family having no place to live. And for some people, they can’t move past that to take the step to find another job.”

  “Why?”

  “Mainly because they think they have to find a job exactly like the one they had before. Pride has a lot to do with it,” she explained. “But with some counseling and guidance, we have a great success rate. It may not be exactly what they had before, but that’s something they can work toward if they truly want to.”

  It made sense when she explained it like that. Julian had never been poor and his family had never struggled with unemployment, so this was all foreign to him. His father had worked as an accountant for thirty years and his mother had been a stay-at-home mom for most of his life and was now enjoying being a photographer. One career for each. And before the band had hit it big, Julian had worked for a landscaping company. He’d never been fired or laid off—he simply left when the band got a recording contract.

  “So how do these people live? I mean, let’s say you help them find a job but they’re living here at the shelter. How do they make it work when they have to start over from scratch? I would think that in itself would be overwhelming.”

  “Oh, it is! But we’re lucky we have a donation center where people donate everything from clothing and furniture to dishes and all kinds of housewares. It’s available to everyone and by the time most people are ready to sign a lease on an apartment, we have enough here to help them at least begin to furnish their new home.”

  “But what if they need more? How can they possibly do it all if they’re working at a fast food restaurant making minimum wage and have a family to support?”

  Julian had no idea why he was asking so many questions, except now that this kind of situation was brought to his attention, he was curious. Although, knowing what Charlotte thought about him, he was pretty sure she believed he was asking for his own personal reasons.

  Before she could answer, three men turned the corner and he saw by the way Charlotte seemed to relax that these were the ones she was waiting for.

  “Carl! Derek! George! I’m so glad you were able to come!”

  And with that, they all walked inside for class.

  * * *

  It wasn’t like her to be so distracted, and yet Charlotte was.

  It didn’t matter what she was doing or saying, she could feel Julian’s eyes on her. He didn’t ask any questions and he didn’t offer to answer any of hers, so she just chalked it up to him wanting to observe. That was fine and well, but she couldn’t help sneaking glances his way and every time she did, he caught her doing it.

  Focus, Charlotte!

  After she had spent the first part of the class talking, she assigned everyone a computer station. She’d offered one to Julian and he’d sat down at it, but she noticed he didn’t search or apply for anything. Maybe he was nervous, because it couldn’t be that he didn’t understand the instructions. It had been her intention to go and sit with him and ask if he needed help, but it seemed like tonight was the night of a million questions from everyone else. And each time she happened to glance in Julian’s direction, he was watching her intently.

  When the timer on her phone went off letting her know classroom time was over, she almost sagged with relief. At least now when they went to help out with the truck, she would be too busy to be so aware of him.

  Only…if anything, now she was even more aware of him.

  The man had muscles and he wasn’t afraid to use them.

  He could have unloaded the truck by himself and there didn’t seem to be anything he couldn’t—or wouldn’t—do. He was mesmerizing to watch and although she had at least a hundred things she could be doing, she found herself stopping to watch Julian lift and carry boxes.

  And wishing there was a second truck to unload.

  “CeeCee!” Someone called out and Charlotte immediately turned around. “What time do you need the room on Thursday!”

  Hank Carter ran the center and she knew he had her schedule—she always gave it to him a month in advance—but he had a tendency to seek her out to confirm and reconfirm. Walking toward him, she gave him a patient smile. “I’m planning to come in at two on Thursday, Hank,” she said. “I believe we already have a dozen people signed up for the workshop but there is plenty of room for more, so if you know of anyone and want to send them my way, please do.”

  “You’re such a
blessing to the people here, CeeCee,” he said warmly. She wasn’t fond of the nickname, but she never argued over it. “We had three new families arrive last night, and we gave them all of your information so you should be expecting to hear from them, possibly before Thursday.”

  For the next fifteen minutes, he gave her a brief overview of each of their situations. The wheels in her mind were already turning as she thought of ways to help them immediately.

  “Have them reach out to me first thing tomorrow,” she said, feeling hopeful. “I’ll be in the office at eight and we’ll get right to work on their cases.”

  “You’re amazing,” he replied. “I wish everyone was as involved as you.”

  “Thanks, Hank.” With a smile and a wave, Charlotte went to go and check on the progress of the truck being unloaded.

  Or maybe she was just going to look at Julian.

  “Charlotte!” someone else called out as soon as she began walking toward the loading dock. Why did she think she could just go and stare at someone when her time at the center was usually spent talking to the residents and staff and helping put out fires seemingly everywhere?

  For the first time in years, she almost resented the intrusion. She had her own work to do just like everyone else, and yet it seemed to her like nothing got done until she was here on-site. It was something she’d been dying to talk to Hank about, but she didn’t know how to do it without it sounding as if she was trying to tell him how to do his job.

  Which, let’s face it, she would.

  For the next two hours, she spoke with one of the new families, set up appointments for some one-on-one career counseling, and had more than enough to do to keep her from checking on Julian or the progress of the truck. By the time she was finally able to get back to it, the loading bay door was closing and the only one around was Hank.

  Darn. Had she missed saying goodbye?

  “Hey, CeeCee,” Hank said as he turned and walked toward her. “Great job tonight. We got so much accomplished. The new guy who joined your group—Julian?—he was a tremendous help.”