Jesse

by Jan Irving

  His body ached, reminding him he wasnt the young man hed once been. He really needed a few quiet hours in his bedroom with the curtains drawn and the air conditioner going. The white noise was soothing. It helped him turn off thinking too much and just get the rest his body needed. He thought about what he had hidden in his closet, and wished he could make use of it, but with Jesse and David here… What if they heard something? Hed be embarrassed if they found out about his odd pastime.

  He settled for rolling his shoulders, telling himself hed just go to bed early. There was work to be done, and he was aching to see the boys. When hed thought of Jesse during the long night, hed remembered seeing him climb off that bike, long legs, lean silhouette, killer blue eyes. Crap, a dozen years back, he would have seen if someone who looked like Jess was open to a night in a motel somewhere. The thought brought heat to warm his neck.

  “Hey, David and I have scrambled eggs, fried bread, and some coffee on,” Jesse called while Kyle rubbed his boots on the mat at the door. He blinked, so used to it being only him, and sometimes Mrs. Lancaster, the housekeeper. But she usually let Kyle handle breakfast himself.

  “Sounds good,” Kyle said. He took a moment to look at Jesse, who was slouched against the open door that led to the kitchen. There was stuff on the hall table, stuff that didnt belong to Kyle. Jesses boots, Davids runners, a book on twentieth-century architecture. Seeing it, Kyle felt something tighten in his chest. “You find everything you needed last night?”

  Jesse nodded. “I wanted to come find you, but I thought Id better stick close for David,” he said. “We went and got library cards last night for both of us.”

  Kyle found himself smiling. “Im glad. Sounds like…”

  “What?”

  “Like youre really going to stay.” He let out a breath. “Is the book on architecture yours?”

  “Yeah.”A trace of bashfulness flickering over his face. “Can I ask you something?” Jesses blue eyes were sharp on Kyles face.

  “Dont see why not.”

  “Are you seeing anyone? Since Mac, I mean.”

  Damn. Kyle rubbed the back of his neck to give himself a moment to think.

  “Look at you. You still do that. You rub your neck, and you stall. Youre stallin, Kyle. Are you seeing anyone?”

  “Um. I was… You and David were gone, and Mac was gone, and I—”

  “Kyle, jeez. I dont mean finding someone one night because youre…lonely. I get that.”

  “You do?”

  “Uh-huh,” Jesse said.

  Kyle followed Jesse as they both headed for the kitchen and the warm, enticing fragrance of cooking food. Oh yeah.

  “I don’t think you do understand. It’s probably different for you.” Kyle was just tired enough to use the easy shortcut of sending his thoughts to Jesse.

  “Pretty sure it’s the same. Remember that Morrison thought I was like Mac? He was right.”

  Oh. Kyle was certain his eyes widened. He felt more heat burn his cheeks and avoided Jesses eyes as they walked into the large kitchen. It had been renovated back in the eighties, and it still served well, with a large island and glassed-in eating area looking out at the kitchen garden behind the farmhouse.

  Kyle saw Jesse taking in all the green plants with appreciation. “I guess your housekeeper does all this?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  Jesses eyes suddenly narrowed. Kyle could never quite lie to Jess. A consequence of their bond was sometimes he leaked feelings, thoughts, and Jesse was sharp enough to pick up on it. “Theyre yours! You have a green thumb.”

  “Not so loud! Im not a floral designer or anything. Just a few spider plants leftover from when the owner lived here,” Kyle mumbled, embarrassed. “Theyre supposed to be good feng shui.”

  Jesse grinned. He took in a little table fountain Kyle had made out of tumbled beach rocks and driftwood hed gathered on treks to the lakefront trails he used to walk with Mac, Jesse, and David. He liked it splashing when he had a meal. The sound usually made him feel less alone.

  He didnt get a chance to say more on the subject, because suddenly a tall, skinny teen with a pink streak in his blond-brown hair tackled him. “David,” Kyle whispered, and his arms tightened around the kid. He closed his eyes. Sometimes hed wondered if hed ever see Jesse and David again.

  “Kyle—” Davids voice broke. “Jesse promised wed come back.”

  “Let me see you, boy,” Kyle said, pulling away to gaze at a face so much like Macs it was a punch to the gut. Where Jesse went his own way in looks—the dazzling blue eyes, the dark brown hair with the ruff at the front—David had the mixed hair color and solemn gray eyes of his eldest brother. “Not sure what I think of the pink.”

  “I had a rebellious period,” David told him.

  “Uh-huh.” It couldnt have been that long ago, judging by how fresh the color seemed. “Youll maybe want to cut it before you start school this fall.”

  Davids mouth tightened. It was almost the same expression Jesse had worn at fifteen, when hed come to live with Mac and Kyle. Kyle hated seeing it, wondering what authority figure meant to David now—abusive drunk? He cleared his throat. “Maybe cut it if you want a job working the marquee for carriage tours to tourists in old Pigeon.”

  Davids eyes saucered. “You still have the horse-and-carriage deal running?”

  “Its more popular than ever,” Kyle said. “We offer tours in Old Town in the city as well as here in Pigeon Lake.” And he was proud of it, because it was his baby and also offered jobs to breeds of horses he admired and loved working with: Percherons, Belgians, and Clydesdales. “Its good money. You still comfortable with draft horses?”

  “I havent ridden since I lived here,” David admitted. His gaze went to his brother, and they exchanged a long speaking glance. Jesse flipped some fried bread and then served it up on the table with maple syrup and steaming coffee. The eggs were already sitting on a plate, ready to be doled out.

  Kyle cleared his throat before sitting down. Damn, that food looked like heaven. “I can spare some time to train you at some point, if youre serious about it. It would take up a lot of the remainder of your summer, though.”

  “I dont have much planned, other than swimming,” David said, watching him shyly as Kyle piled food onto his plate.

  Kyle flushed since hed just dug in naturally and both Coulters were watching him.

  “Like it?” David prodded.

  Kyle closed his eyes as he tasted the fried bread. Jesse had remembered to use nutmeg. His favorite. “Its perfect.”

  “One place we lived, Jesse worked as a short-order cook,” David said proudly.

  Kyle raised an eyebrow at Jesse. A fisherman and a cook? What else had he done in the three years since hed left the ranch?

  * * *

  Alone again in his bedroom, Kyles muscles relaxed, making him aware of the tension he had been carrying. It was wonderful being around Jesse and David, but he wasnt used to so much interaction. Giving orders to the hands on the ranch didnt count. Kyle shed his clothing, groaning at how achy his body felt. He just wanted a hot shower and then bed, but hed settle for the shower. He closed his door behind him, heading to the bathroom across the hall, and there was Jesse, wearing nothing but a towel around his lean waist, his prominent hip bones seemingly the only thing keeping the cloth from giving in to gravity as he wiped shaving cream off his chin with a facecloth.

  Jesse blinked, and then his gaze explored Kyle. All over. Kyle had followed habit, and he hadnt put anything on. He was used to walking around the big house naked since he pretty much lived alone.

  Jesses interested gaze inspired Kyles tired body. He yanked open his bedroom door and snatched a towel off the hope chest, covering himself. “Sorry,” he muttered. Had Jesse noticed he was hard? Shit! “Are you finished in there?”

  Jesse crossed his arms. “Yep, and dont be sorry,” he said. “Are you going to get some rest? You look like crap.”

  Kyle glared at him. “Im not twenty like you
are, but I can still do the job.” Jesse huffed out an impatient sound. “I didnt mean… You just look exhausted. When Mac was that tired, David and I would pamper him, remember?” Kyle nodded. It was a good memory. After a little bit of time living together, the boys had even pampered Kyle—and hed liked it, though hed been bashful about the attention. “I think you did that with breakfast. Thanks for that.”

  “No problem,” Jesse said. “We can take turns making it.” Kyle froze when Jesse suddenly shifted closer and put his hands on Kyles shoulders. “Youre tense,” Jesse noted in an easy tone, like his hands werent touching Kyles bare skin. “I also had a job in the city giving massage therapy for a while. Let me…”

  Massage therapy. What the fuck ? “Jess, no…” Kyle groaned. It felt good, way better than the food—Jesses fingers digging into sore muscles. Kyle caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror hanging on the hallway wall opposite, his brown eyes half shut in pleasure, his lips parted, his cheeks flushed—and the gray in his hair catching the light.

  He jerked away.

  “What?” Jesse asked, looking annoyed. “You liked it.”

  “Its… You shouldnt do that, is all,” Kyle whispered.

  Jesse held his gaze.

  Kyle slammed the bathroom door behind him, closing out Jesses eyes. “What’s your problem?”

  “I don’t have one.”

  “Yeah, right. Are you going to hide in there all day, Kyle, or take your shower?” “I am not hiding. Can a man not have some privacy in his own house? Go…do

  something. Tune up your bike and experience that freedom you’re so hot for.” “Just what is that supposed to mean? Are you asking me about my past? I could

  tell you all about my customers at the gay massage parlor.”

  “No! Shit, Jesse! Can’t you see that is not…appropriate between us? I was

  Mac’s—I was your older brother’s lover.”

  Jesses tone was silken. “I always thought Mac was lucky.”

  * * *

  Kyle meant to get back to work after his shower, but when he returned to his bedroom, he found himself wanting some time alone, away from Jesses bright fireworks. Crap, he probably just needed some sleep. Fortunately hed already assigned the hands their chores for the day.

  One thing he was not going to do was think about Jesse. Bad enough he seemed to be obsessed with Jesse when he wasnt around, but now… Hed just keep a lid on these feelings. Jesse didnt know what he was doing; he was just playing around like any young man.

  Gay massage parlor?

  He would not think about that.

  He could… He mashed his face against the pillow and was out like a light. He knew on some level he was dreaming. Nothing could feel this good in real

  life. He dreamed Jesse had quietly opened his bedroom door and entered the room to look down at him. Kyle lay there, passive. He was nude, like hed been when Jesse had seen him in the hallway, ran his gaze over him like the hands that had touched him earlier. His hard cock tented the bedding, unmistakable.

  Jesses lips quirked slightly, mischievous. He dropped the towel he was wearing and slid under the comforter and onto the cool cotton sheets of Kyles double bed. It was the same bed hed once shared with Mac, where theyd sweat and fucked and sometimes made love and talked about what they were going to do with the cattle, the horses, and the boys under their care.

  Now Jesses lean, bare length spooned his own, warm, solid.

  No, this is wrong! Jess, please don’t… But he couldnt push him away when the younger man climbed on top of him. Kyle gasped at the feel of Jesses erection brushing against his. His fingers clenched on Jesses forearms, and he couldnt stop himself from thrusting up, from snatching more of that feeling of Jesse—his Jesse—in bed with him at last.

  “Be honest, Kyle. This is what you always wanted,” Jesse whispered into his ear before his tongue was there, circling slowly and making Kyle shake with the need to mount him.

  “Jess, I need you,” he admitted, burying his face against Jesses neck, inhaling his fresh scent, arching his body. “God, I need you so much. Dont leave me again.” Kyles eyes snapped open, and panting, he sat up, fortunately alone. The shadows signaled late afternoon. His skin prickled with sweat. He leaned his head against his knees. Hell, why did he have these dreams?

  He was hard, aching for release. Before he could stop himself, his hand slid down under the covers and wrapped around his painfully swollen cock. A whimper escaped his lips. Jesse. He wanted Jesse to touch it, to touch him. He wanted Jesse to have really come into his bedroom, to have peeled back the sheets, to be exploring him, licking him…

  Kyle shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut. It had been so long, so damn long since hed given in and gotten relief. He hadnt found it easy at first—missing Mac, missing the boys—so he felt empty when he tricked. He didnt want to do stuff like that at his age. Hed dated a little, and there was someone he saw occasionally, but he wanted to come home to someone in his bed.

  Then, about a year ago, the dreams had intensified. Dreams of Jesse. Dreams of being with Jesse, God help him.

  How were they going to share the same house?

  Chapter Three

  Showered and shaved, feeling somewhat human after his long night and short nap, Kyle went downstairs to the kitchen. There he found Jesse bent over paperwork.

  Incongruously, Jesses hair was mussed, and he had on a battered brown leather jacket. Kyle wondered if hed been riding that bike that put the fear of God into him. His motorcycle helmet rested on the kitchen table next to the sheaf of papers.

  He was also wearing glasses, which took Kyle by surprise. “What are you doing?” Kyle asked. He tried to tell himself Jesse looked just like he had as a kid, doing his homework. But those sinewy arms, those eyes that flashed up to hold his own—no, his body wasnt buying it.

  “Paperwork to get David into the local school this fall,” Jesse sighed, shoving his hair out of his eyes. He shifted some of the work, illustrating. “His birth certificate, transcript of his grades—which could be a lot better. His stats playing football and a letter from his previous principal.”

  “It is tough,” Kyle said, pouring himself some fresh coffee and sitting on the opposite side of the table. “Thanks, Jess. Just the way I like it.” He didnt want to get too close, but he still caught the scent of Jesses aftershave. Smelled like apples, maybe. Kyle liked it, fresh, biting. “I remember when you boys first came here, all the work me and Mac had to do.”

  “Um. That wont work,” Jesse said absently, gaze still on his work. “Excuse me?” Kyle raised his eyebrows. “That trip down memory lane, designed to put me in my place as this kid you once knew. Lots of people know each other as kids, but Im not one now.”

  Jesse shot him a burning look that made Kyles coffee go down the wrong way.

  With an air of angelic calm, Jesse stood from his side of the table, came around to Kyle, and thumped his back.

  “Im all right! Damn it, Jess, the stuff you say,” Kyle groused. “First you hound me in the shower, then bed, now—”

  Jesses lips quirked. “I wasnt in your bedroom, Kyle,” he put in. “But youre saying I hounded you there? Very revealing, dont you think?”

  Kyle rubbed his eyes. “Please. Stop. Let a man have his coffee.”

  “Okay, I can go easy on you. For now.” Jesses face resumed its serious cast. “Im grateful you kept your promise, gave David a place.”

  “I want you here,” Kyle said, despite how hed been feeling strange having the boys under his roof again.

  But he knew it wasnt just the unaccustomed social interaction; it was having people who belonged to him.

  He swallowed, playing with the napkins as Jesse dished something from a steel frying pan onto a plate before returning to his chair. It was cold, spicy scrambled eggs in taco shells. Kyle took it gratefully, suddenly starved. “I…was concerned, all that time you were gone.” He dug into the eggs and wanted to sit and savor them, as well as just look at the man across t
he table.

  Jesse sat back and watched him eat, as if he felt the same desire. “Living with Morrison—it was hard on David. Like a wild, unpredictable drumbeat. Davy and I never knew what to expect from him.”

  “Im guessing thats why Davids grades arent what you hoped?”

  Jesse nodded. “I had to get work to support him since Morrison is so erratic. When he was on the football team, he was their star player, but he didnt have enough money for the basics.”

  “You have custody of him now.”

  “Yes, and it wasnt easy, but Morrison basically disappeared for months. Unfortunately, he didnt stay gone.”

  Kyle put down his fork, his gut knotting. He remembered Mac talking about some stuff from when he was a kid. “What happened?”

  “Dear Old Dad came back and tried to take Davy back with him on the road; never mind I had custody. He scared him pretty bad, but the kid locked himself in the upstairs bathroom and called me so I could get there. You worry about me on my bike; you would have really worried that night.”

  “Fuck.” Kyle wanted to ask why Jesse hadnt called him, but he could guess. It had been years since hed been a part of their lives. Jesse wouldnt know if it was something he could ask of Kyle.

  And of course, there was the fact that right after hed left, despite Kyles trying to connect with him telepathically, Jesse had shut him out. He rubbed his eyebrow, wishing he could ask why that was, but it was too soon. They hadnt lived together in years, and he wasnt entirely sure he knew who Jesse was anymore.

  “Howd you get David away from him?”

  “Snuck in, packed our stuff, and hit the road while Morrison was sleeping it off. We rode all night, and when we got here, David still wasnt talking about what Morrison said to him. Instead he wanted to look up some old friends and go beachcombing, so I just let it go.”