Ruined 2

by Alycia Taylor

  You were my save haven, Dax. You and I had plans for a real future and a family someday that wasn’t going to be touched by any of this club stuff. I believed in you more than I ever have anyone in my life, even my father. When I found out you were arrested that day I felt like all of that had been for nothing and the man that I thought I loved didn’t even really exist. I would lay awake at night trying to figure it out, but no answers ever came. However, thinking about you would inevitably lead to thinking about you all alone in that awful place. I would wonder if you were sleeping. If you were eating…If they were hurting you.”

  “I’m sorry, Liv. I hate that you had to go through that shit.”

  “No matter how angry with you I was, I hated that you had to go through that. I tried telling myself that you were a criminal and you were right where you needed to be the same way I had to do with my dad…but I hated that thought too. From that point forward, everything just fell apart. I couldn’t concentrate in class because my mind was either too preoccupied or I was just too damn tired. My grades started slipping and at first the instructors were willing to give me a break because I had been doing so well before. It finally got to the point where they had to either give me the failing grade I deserved or suggest strongly that I withdraw so that I didn’t have a bunch of failed classes on my transcript. I chose to withdraw so at least I can go back some day and start fresh.”

  “And that was when you started working for your uncle and seeing a lot of Terrance?”

  “Yeah, my uncle could see how messed up I was and he was hoping that the job would be a distraction until I got my head back together. We were all hoping that the next semester I would be ready to go back. But then—”

  “You started dating Terrance.”

  She shot me another, stop interrupting me look.

  “Then, you were sent to Pelican Bay. Knowing you were sitting in county was bad enough, but when you got your sentence and they sent you to that place….I was physically ill when I first found out you were going there. I got online and looked it up. I read the CDC website first and told myself it wasn’t so bad, but then I started finding all kinds of links to websites that talked about all the gangs in there…and the violence…and the drugs. I almost drove myself crazy over it. My uncle even started suggesting that I see a doctor and that maybe I needed some medication. He was probably right, but I refused to go.”

  “Then you started hanging out with Terrance?”

  “You’re in an awfully big hurry to get to that part,” she said.

  “I’m just trying to figure out how you two became an item. I mean…was it gradual or was my best friend suddenly like, “Whew, he’s gone. Now I get the girl.”

  She glanced at me and I could see the hurt in her eyes. “It really wasn’t like that Dax. It was a whole year….you had been gone a whole year before we so much as had lunch. I swear. He was coming around a lot but dating was the furthest thing from my mind or his. He was just being supportive because he knew how devastated I was.”

  “Good old Terrance, there to catch you when I fall,” I said.

  I couldn’t help it. Of all the violations against me, I found him moving in on my girl the worst. Of all people, Terrance knew more than anyone else how much she meant to me. I actually talked so much to him about her that I had made it easier for him to have a relationship with her. He already had the advantage of knowing her likes and dislikes. I wondered if he had been taking notes just in case the opportunity presented itself.

  Olivia sighed. “Maybe you’re right. I’m obviously a terrible judge of character. It didn’t seem that way to me at the time though, Dax, I swear. It seemed like he was only being kind and like he was hurting too and we were helping each other.”

  I really had heard enough about her and Terrance. I picked up the tapes we had so far and said, “Let’s go start watching these. If we don’t have what I’m looking for here I can come back later.”

  “Okay,” she said. As she pulled herself up off the floor she said, “Dax…the thing with Terrance, just so you know….it’s never been what you and I were. I don’t think I’ll ever feel for another person the way I felt about you.”

  It was the best thing I had heard all week. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say, but I liked hearing it.

  We took the tapes into the outer room and I decided we would watch from a few days after my arrest and work our way back. We saw a lot of crap, had to listen to my dad bullshit with the guys and one of them I had to completely fast forward because it was of my father fucking one of his young groupies on the desk. It was disgusting, to say the least.

  As it forwarded, I caught a glimpse of my mother’s face. Olivia and I looked at each other and I stopped it and went back. I restarted it right after the groupie chick left. I was really hoping this wasn’t a husband/wife/I caught you cheating conversation. I knew my mother knew as well as the rest of us what a sleaze he was, but I had no desire to be a witness to it. I kept my thumb over the fast forward button just in case.

  We watched as my mother stormed into the office. At first, my dad looked nervous too, like he thought she was there to confront him about the groupie who was just spread-eagled on top of the desk.

  Instead with tears in her eyes and a significant tug at my heart she said, “They’re going to send him to prison. I can’t stand the thought of it. He’s not a criminal. He’s not like those people. I can’t even imagine him in there. I can’t breathe. Please make this go away! Make it stop!”

  My dad got up from his chair and came around the desk. He genuinely looked like she was tugging at his heart too. He tried to put his arm around her and she almost let him but suddenly she pushed him away and she said, “This was you, you did this! You can fix it. I don’t want your comfort! I want you to fix this!”

  My dad looked her in the eye and said, “I don’t know what you mean by this being my doing, but I didn’t do anything. The boy got himself into trouble. Maybe it’s time you stopped coddling him.”

  “You’re a liar. You’re disgusting! He was doing so well. He was in college, an honor student! He had a chance at a real life, a real chance. He didn’t want any part of this place and you just keep doing whatever you can to suck him back int. How could you do this to your own son?”

  “Baby listen to me,” he tried the soft voice. “I didn’t do anything to him. I didn’t know he was carrying drugs.” He reached out for her again and he got another shove in the chest for it.

  “You make me sick, you and this pathetic club that you love so much more than your own family. He tried so hard to not be a part of this miserable life. He didn’t need a club full of losers and sluts following him around in order to feel like a man the way you do and that’s what pissed you off. Now, even if he lives through this, thorough being in that awful place…he’ll never have a chance. You may as well have killed your own son. You’ve taken his life away so it’s all the same. I hate this place, this fucking, stupid club. If anything happens to him in there, you will wish you were never born.” I knew that my mom was mad. She never said the word fuck and as far as I knew she never threatened my dad.

  I could tell by the look on my dad’s face that he had enough of the trying to be Mr. Nice Guy stuff. He wasn’t going to let a woman, not even my mom talk to him that way.

  He stepped close to her and in his scary, low, controlled voice that told you he was just a hair away from snapping and going off he said, “This stupid club has kept you in those pretty clothes and put a roof over our son’s head and food in his belly all of these years. It pays for that fancy SUV you drive around and those monthly trips to the salon to keep your hair that pretty blonde color. And let’s not forget those fingernails. I’ve got more money in those nails than I do beer in my bar. I don’t ever hear you complaining about any of that.”

  My mom looked at him and I could see the tears on her cheeks. My heart was breaking for her, I wanted to reach out and hug her. How cold would he have to be that her
heartbreak had no effect on him at all? Not giving a shit about me was one thing, but my mom should have been a different story. She looked like she had more to say, but she knew my dad too well. I could almost see the wheels turning in her head, telling herself that it wasn’t going to be worth it. He wasn’t going to admit to anything and the more she pushed him the meaner he was going to get.

  She gave him one more accusing look, shook her head and slammed the door. I could feel Olivia’s eyes on me, but I couldn’t take mine off my dad on the screen. He dropped down into his chair and put his head in his hands for a second. He sat up and leaned back in the chair, staring at something on the wall lost in his own thoughts.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  OLIVIA

  After we watched the tape with Dax’s mom confronting his dad, we stopped going through anymore. I could tell that Dax was really disturbed by it. It was one thing to believe your own father could set you up, but entirely another story to be hit in the face with proof that he didn’t care. He hadn’t flinched at the thought of the sending his son to prison. He had told his mother to stop coddling him.

  Dax left the bar not long after that. I’m sure he went out and rode for hours. That was what he always did when he was upset. Riding always made him calm.

  I stayed and finished the cleaning like I had promised Gail that I would. It was hard for me to be civil to Bull after what I had seen so I did my best to avoid him. I wanted to confront him myself. He had jacked up his son’s life and in the process he had completely screwed mine as well.

  I kept looking at him, wondering where someone gets that kind of ego. What makes a man like Bull think that he has the right to play God with people’s lives?

  I finally finished cleaning and got the hell out of there. Thankfully, Terrance wasn’t home when I got there and I was already asleep when he got home that night. He had been out late delivering parts. I was the most naïve person to ever walk the planet. I preferred naïve over just plain stupid.

  I got up the next morning before Terrance did, hoping that I could slip out before I had to see him. I didn’t trust myself not to confront him. If he was a part of this and he let me believe all of this time that he was a good guy, then he was even worse than Bull because he was trying to make me believe that he loved me. You don’t manipulate the lives of the people you love to suit your own purposes. At least Gail knew what a slime Bull was. She chose to stay with him, but she had all the facts. I shuddered at the thought of twenty years with Bull.

  What the hell was wrong with these people?

  I sat down to eat my cereal and before I knew it, Terrance walked into the room. The sight of him made me angry all over again. I had wasted so much of my life. If I had believed Dax when he told me he was innocent, I would have at least been visiting him and writing to him and I would have known that he was okay. I would have been able to concentrate on school and sleep better at night.

  My troubles were nothing compared to his though. Dax’s troubles with life had only just begun. He wasn’t going to be able to get a good job, ever. There were some people who hired ex-cons but it was usually for menial labor. He was so smart and he should have had such a bright future. It made me sick to think of all we lost and for what? For some stupid motorcycle club that served no positive purpose.

  He leaned down to kiss me and I flinched. I lost control of my voice and I suddenly heard it saying, “Why would you be emailing Bull the day before Dax got busted saying, “It’s all ready,” or something to that effect? What were you talking about?”

  Terrance looked at me like I had grown another head and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. An email, from over two years ago? How would you expect me to even begin to remember that?”

  “How could you not? It was the day before your best friend. The guy that you’ve been hanging out with since you were in diapers was arrested.”

  “What is it that you want me to say here, Olivia? Are you seriously trying to imply that I set Dax up? You don’t know me better than that by now?”

  I wished I knew how well I really knew him. “I’m not implying anything, Terrance. I’m just stating the facts. The fact is that you were emailing Bull. That’s a fact. I never once heard you try and defend Dax. That’s another fact. You never went to visit him…those are all facts. I’m just afraid of what they mean when you add them up. I want you to tell me that I’m wrong if that’s the truth. If it’s not, then I want you to be a man and admit what you did to your best friend and why.”

  “You didn’t fucking visit him either and the only reason you’re adding up facts now is because he’s back and you feel guilty.”

  “I know. I didn’t visit him and I’m regretting it now because maybe he was set up and I do feel guilty. Maybe he was innocent and we all gave up on him.” Tears streamed down my cheeks. The thoughts of what Dax went through flooded back once again. I could tell that it was pissing Terrance off for me to cry over Dax.

  With his fists clenched at his sides he said, “You’re not over him.”

  “That’s not the point. It’s not what we’re talking about here.”

  “But it’s the same as admitting it. You’re not over him and he comes back all buff and tough and all of a sudden you think he was set up. Jesus Christ Olivia.”

  “It has nothing to do with what he looks like Terrance. Jeez, give me more credit than that please. This is the first chance he’s had to really talk to me since right after he was arrested because I refused his calls and I refused to go see him. What he is telling me makes sense. He saw the email Terrance. He can go back and print it out. That’s black and white. It’s not imaginary.”

  “It sucks that I know you’re still hung up on your ex, but it sucks even more that you’re accusing me of setting him up. If anyone set Dax up it was Bull.”

  “Being compassionate towards someone and being hung up on someone are two different things. All I was trying to say was that I failed him back then when I should have stood by him. I don’t want to do the same now while I have a second chance. He’s still our friend, right?” Terrance just looked at me and he didn’t answer so I went on, “You so adamantly said that he wasn’t set up and now you say maybe it was Bull. Do you think he was set up or not?”

  “I don’t know, Olivia,” he said, sharply. His tone told me that he did know, at least more than he was willing to say and he just wanted me to drop it.

  “Terrance, this is Dax we’re talking about. I’ve seen the pictures of you guys. I’ve heard the stories. You two were closer than any brothers could ever hope to be. His mother practically raised you….and if you love him and her and if you care about me, you’ll tell me the truth. Was he set up?”

  “Yeah, I think he was,” he said, defeated. Then he quickly added, “But I didn’t have anything to do with it.”

  That didn’t make sense. It seemed that if he knew about the set up or suspected it he would have stuck up for him, but he never did.

  “Then why did you turn your back on him? Why not support him in this? He didn’t have anyone on his side.”

  Terrance grimaced. It was obvious he didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t care what he wanted at that point. He owed me the truth and if he did do it then he owed his best friend a lot more than that.

  “Olivia, you’ve been to the club. You’ve met these guys. They’re a scary bunch, my father and Dax’s father included. This isn’t a game to them, it’s their life. This is a well-organized club with a tiered structure and a written constitution. We are required to pay dues and attend meetings and go on so many runs a year. All of this is to demonstrate loyalty to the club leadership, in this case to Bull and my father. They have their own way of punishing infractions too, anything from covering your patch to taking it away all together. I’ve seen them burn off tattoos with a welding gun. I’ve never seen it personally, but I’ve heard of members even being sentenced to death. I took an oath when they let me take a seat at the table, Liv. If I had stood by Dax I woul
d have been in a jumpsuit right behind him or worse.”

  It was all so surreal, like being caught in the middle of a bad movie. “They would really do all of that?”

  He sighed. I think my naivety was frustrating him. I wasn’t disbelieving any of what he was telling me. I was just trying so hard to wrap my head around choosing to live that way.

  “Yeah, Liv. They would do that. We’re talking about them setting Dax up, right? His Daddy is the president. He let him do hard time at Pelican Bay in the SHU with murderers and rapists and the like. He took a big chance that his skinny kid was going to come out of there alive. Dax beat the odds and I’m sure that makes Bull proud as hell now, but if he had died in there I really don’t think that Bull would have cared. My father is the Vice President, but you know him, he submits to Bull’s every whim. He never stands up to him. Bull put his own son in prison. If I crossed him what do you think they would do to me?”

  “I don’t know Terrance. It’s all so….frightening and ridiculous at the same time. Right now, I can’t do anything about Bull and Dax’s relationship with him. I have to worry about my relationship with you. You’re telling me the God’s honest truth here, Terrence? You had nothing to do with setting him up.”

  “Nothing, Liv, I would never do that. You were right when you said that Dax and I were like brothers. I wouldn’t do something like that to him. You believe me, right?”

  I didn’t know. “You better not be lying to me, Terrance. I may be a little naïve about people, but I’m not stupid.”

  “I don’t think you’re stupid, Liv and I am not lying to you.” He kissed me on the forehead and said, “I have to go, I have some parts to pick-up in Barstow today. I won’t be home until later this afternoon.”