The Geeks' Guide to World Domination

by Garth Sundem

  Take heart, dear geek: With the world evolving toward ever-higher levels of required specialization, more and more people are turning up their information dials to the point of usurping their ability to function normally. In short, more people are becoming geeks.

  To illustrate this geekification of modern society, imagine—if you will—a middle-school rocket club. One kid follows the directions, carefully penciling in exact fin placement and then, after allowing the required drying time, painstakingly sanding, painting, and applying decals until the finished rocket is a mere blip in a wind tunnel. All another kid wants to do is send a live payload as high as possible—into the clear plastic cockpit of a three-stage D-engine rocket, he packs intrepid (and potentially ill-fated) caterpillars, each with a name like Buzz or Chuck or Neil. A third kid has a vision: a center fuselage flanked by auxiliary tubes, each with a separate nose cone, the whole contraption having the potential to arc gracefully skyward or, three feet off the launch pole, to start spinning wildly, explode spectacularly, and negatively affect hearing in the faculty adviser's left ear.

  Yes, I knew these kids. (Today, the first is in the Stats department at Oxford, the second is an entomologist specializing in system change due to catastrophic events, and the third is an environmental architect.) OK, I was one of them—I oscillated between keeping a meticulous flight log and pirating the rocket engine gunpowder for use in more terrestrial pyrotechnic experiments. Thanks in part to genetics—my dad is a former president of the American Accounting Association—I also programmed choose-your-own-adventure stories in BASIC, circa 1987, eagerly anticipated the logic puzzles in the next installment of Games magazine, and designed multilevel dungeons on graph paper. In an especially cruel twist, my mother is a psychoanalyst, so I was especially aware how these pursuits were likely to affect my social and emotional development (adversely).

  Back to geekification:

  In the sepia tones of yesteryear, we rocketeers remained geek kings and queens of only the rocket club (and—in the spirit of full disclosure—later the jazz band and the math and chess clubs. Wow, this is actually rather cathartic). Today, with highly specialized knowledge of all sorts driving the world, it is as if more and more people are clamoring for inclusion in these clubs. Everyone now wants and needs information, leading to a much wider pool of adoration for the alpha geeks in each discipline.

  It may be no revelation that yesterday's geeks rule today's world. A quote widely misattributed to Bill Gates: “Don't make fun of geeks because one day you will end up working for one.” But with most of society now acting as phytoplankton at the base of the ecosystems in which geeks are alpha predators, we are not only driving the traditional geek fields, but we're starting to drive cool as well.

  For example, imagine a twenty-four-year-old dude with an uneven peach-fuzz beard, wearing a green foam E = mc2 hat, a red Che Guevara shirt, and Converse All Stars, and listening to an iPod while riding a long-board to his job as a Web designer. By any definition, this person is a geek. This person is also very, very cool. He probably owns an island in Second Life and has an algorithmic tattoo, too. Women want him, and men want to be him. (We assume he dates a girl with piercings.) And with this shift in cool, we see that instead of struggling to join society at large as we have always done in the past, now society at large is joining us.

  OK, now that you are versed in hypothetical, external geekification, it's time for a bit of self-examination (no, you needn't undress). Does what you know affect how you act? In light conversation, do you unintentionally inject your personal geekery? Does this make things a little awkward? Last Friday, instead of trudging through another of these awkward conversations, did you decide to order Chinese again (and eat it while watching Red Dwarf reruns and/or blogging about it)? Do your friends and family buy you books with “geek” in the title?

  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're a geek. Go ahead and skip to this book's first entry. Go on, you know you want to.

  But maybe you thought, Oh shit! After reflection I'm not a geek and will thus be relegated to a lifetime of groveling at the feet of my great geek overlords. Oh how I wish I could be a geek too! Or you might've answered, Oh shit! I used to be a geek but have spent the last fifteen years perfecting a veneer of social competence in order to pimp real estate and have thus let my geek credentials lapse. Whatever shall I do?

  Never fear: you hold in your hands the secrets you need to function—again or for the first time—as a geek. In fact, if you read and enjoy this book, you will necessarily be transformed into a geek by the simple act of partaking in the geekiest of geek activities: the enjoyment of knowledge for its own sake (Descartes: “I think, therefore I am [a geek]”). With this book, you, too, can gain the cultural knowledge necessary to peek behind the Wizard's curtain—to glimpse the Matrix—and can thus join in the experience of total world domination. Think of this book like a benevolent werewolf, ready to give you a friendly nip in the jugular; come next full moon, you'll be howling too.

  And then, during the geek uprising, when your IT guy rediscovers his Klingon spirit and the Web-widgets girl down the hall goes Xena: Warrior Princess, you will be able, when the pogrom reaches your cubicle, to demonstrate complex handmade shadow puppets against the whiteboard and recite pi to at least the fifth digit, thus proving your allegiance and claiming your rightful spot in the coming Geek World Order. (Which, you have to admit, is worth the price of a book.)

  GREAT MOMENTS IN DADA

  Hugo Ball suggested one could achieve eternal bliss by saying the word Dada until losing consciousness. Tristan Tzara, in an inspired moment that is itself Dada, described the art as an armadillo and advocated caution. Geeks know that Dada, like the number 42 and Beatles records played backward, explains everything worth knowing.

  Compass

  Man Ray, 1920

  Fountain

  Marcel Duchamp, 1917

  L.H.O.O.Q.

  Marcel Duchamp, 1919

  “PROOF” THAT 2 = 1

  Does two actually equal one? Does this proof demonstrate the failing of math as a rational science and thus the end reason, logic, and an ordered society? Or is there a trick? (See answer in Appendix.)

  a = b

  a2 = ab

  a2 − b2 = ab − b2

  (a − b)(a + b) = b(a − b)

  a + b = b

  b + b = b

  2b = b

  2 = 1

  SEVEN KICK-ASS MARTIAL ARTS MOVES YOU CAN DO WITHOUT INJURING YOURSELF

  ESCAPE FROM BEAR HUG

  An attacker has grabbed you from behind. Rise up on the balls of your feet while grabbing either of your attacker's arms. When your attacker pushes down against this action, use the downward momentum—bend quickly to your knees and hurl the attacker over your shoulder.

  ESCAPE FROM HOLD WITH KNEE STRIKE

  An attacker standing in front of you has grabbed both your wrists. Grab his/her wrists and twist outward while pulling your attacker into a vicious knee strike. Hi ya!

  RICE BALE REVERSAL

  From the front, your attacker butts his/her head into your abdomen like a football tackle. You are like water—go with the flow. Grab your attacker as you roll to your back and use the momentum to chuck him/her into next week.

  HOOKING BLOCK, PALMHEEL STRIKE

  An attacker punches at you from the front. Wave your right arm away from your centerline (wax off), catching the oncoming strike and pulling your attacker toward you, where you meet his/her head with the heel of your left palm.

  MIDDLE BLOCK, BACKFIST

  An attacker punches at you from the front. Wave your right arm toward the centerline (wax on), diverting the blow, and then counter immediately with the back of your right fist.

  FORWARD FOOT SWEEP

  You have locked arms with your attacker. Push forward with your left hand while using the inside of your left foot to sweep inward against the outside of your attacker's left foot. Now pull back toward you and release the rig
ht hand to spin your attacker to the ground.

  LARGE OUTER REAPING

  You have locked arms with your attacker. Quickly use your left foot to step on your attacker's left foot. Now, step behind this foot pile with your right leg and swing it back stiffly into your attacker's pinned left leg. Give a shove and a twist to send your attacker to the ground.

  SEVEN COMMON JEOPARDY! CATEGORIES

  In the geek pantheon (note: geek, not Greek), Ken Jennings sits directly next to the Silver Surfer, and for many, Alex Trebek rules from behind his podium, radiating lightning bolts of pure intellect. Come on, you know you've pictured it—standing there with a smug look on your face as the maddening theme music changes key. You've probably even stayed awake at night evaluating optimal Final Jeopardy betting strategies. But before you take that leap to fame, fortune, and the Tournament of Champions, you will actually have to know something about the following categories:

  Name's the Same (A: Bernanke and Stiller. Q: Who is Ben?)

  Before and After (A: “I'm Gonna Knock You Out” rapper and author of the Silmarillion. Q: Who is LL Cool J. R. R. Tolkien?)

  Potent Potables (A: Gin, lemon juice, sugar, club soda, orange, and a cherry. Q: What is a Tom Collins?)

  Rhyme Time (A: A large truck. Q: What is a big rig?)

  Crossword Clues (A: An early tennis simulation game—4 letters. Q: What is Pong?)

  U.S. Presidents (A: Survived a gallstone operation without anesthetic or antiseptic. Q: Who was Polk?)

  Common Bonds (A: Paul McCartney, Princess Diana, and Hillary Clinton. Q: Who are people surreptitiously replaced by androids?)

  SIX ENGLISH PHRASES YOU CAN SPELL ON A BASIC CALCULATOR

  This requires an old-school calculator—preferably purchased for less than $3.29 and on which the solar powered display flickers when you sit under fluorescent lights. Enter numbers using the following code: 0 = O, 1 = I, 2 = Z, 3 = E, 4 = h, 5 = S, 6 = g, 7 = L, 8 = B. Don't forget to spell backward, so that when you turn the calculator upside down, the words/phrases read correctly.

  the many, many other geeky goodies from the world of biology is the truth about the clownfish, or Amphiprion akindynos to you and me. It turns out Nemo is an expert gender bender. The pugnacious little buggers live in groups in which mating occurs only between the dominant male and female. When the female is eaten by a barracuda or otherwise dies, her mate changes sex to become the next dominant female. Sorry, Nemo-after a couple weeks, it would technically be a new dad you are looking for.

  VERY COOL PARASITIC BEHAVIORS

  • Many parasites depend on their host's behavior in order to successfully reproduce. Instead of leaving this behavior to chance, some parasites actively manipulate their hosts to produce the desired behavior. For example, after infecting a rat, the Toxaplasa gondii parasite needs to be transferred to a cat's belly to reproduce. To do this, the sneaky parasite rewires its rat host to actively seek the smell of cat urine. Obviously, this tends to put the rat in dangerous proximity to the source of said urine, and when the rat gets eaten, the parasite completes its necessary transfer. Cordyceps fungi infect insects and steer them to higher ground where, when the insect dies and the fungus bursts forth, the fungus spores will be more effectively dispersed by wind.

  • Another parasite—this one a mite of wasps—is transmitted sexually, after which it acts as a sperm plug to prevent further fertilization (and thus competition).

  • The candiru fish has seen the pop-culture spotlight for obvious reasons—Grey's Anatomy referred to it as the penis fish. The eel-like fish follows a water source to its home in a host's orifice (you do the math), where it becomes impossible to remove without surgery due to its barblike spines.

  • The fish parasite Cymothoa exigua attaches to the tongue of the spotted rose snapper and steals the tongue's blood supply. When the snapper's tongue eventually atrophies and falls off, the parasite attaches itself in the tongue's place, effectively becoming the fish's tongue, where it shares meals with its host.

  • When it comes time for the wasp Ampulex compressa to lay her eggs, she finds a cockroach to act as host. But instead of simply laying her eggs in the unfortunate roach, she first lands on his back and inserts a specialized stinger into the roach's brain, which she then uses to steer the roach—under its own power—back to her burrow, where the zombie roach sits placidly as the wasp larvae gobble his living innards.

  THREE APPLICATIONS OF GAME THEORY

  1. In 1957, Anthony Downs used game theory to show how and why political candidates will converge toward the ideology of the median voter.

  2. In 1994, game theorists hired by the FCC designed an auction for the electromagnetic spectrum, earning $42 billion from telecommunications companies bidding on slices of the pie.

  3. In biology, game theory has been used to explain the evolution and stability of 1:1 sex ratios as well as the mobbing behavior of many prey animals attacking a larger predator.

  FIVE SECRET SOCIETIES YOU CAN JOIN

  ANCIENT ORDER OF THE ROSICRUCIANS

  The AOR is the American offshoot of the Rosicrucian Order. The society's founding, seventeenth-century manifestos describe the journey of a heroic, mystic pilgrim, Christian Rosenkreuz (existence disputed by the unenlightened), who supposedly studied in the Middle East and brought back to Germany a full can of pseudo-mystic whoopass, which he proceeded to open.

  The modern AOR describes itself as “an Aquarian Age mystery school in the Western Tradition,” which translates into an organization that is one third hippie, one third druid, and one third Dungeons & Dragons. If you enjoy a good neopagan ritual aimed at communing with the universal idea of love, the Rosicrucians might be right for you. Download their membership application at www.rosenkreuzer-orden.org.

  FREEMASONS

  The Freemasons are a completely transparent and benign fraternal organization committed to morality and belief in an unspecified supreme being, with no freaky, secretive methods of controlling world leaders or major financial markets. At least this is what they would have you believe, thus lulling you, dear uninitiated, into a complacent sheep-state in which you will be unable to resist the inevitable Freemason uprising.

  Unless, of course, you join them. Start as an Entered Apprentice and learn the secret handshake. No kidding—there really is a secret handshake.

  OPUS DEI

  Today, there are more than three thousand Opus Dei members in the United States, very few of whom are albino psychopaths. In fact, Opus Dei chapters have partnered successfully with many inner-city charity programs, promoting an agenda of education and spiritual guidance. As a “personal prelature” of the Catholic Church, the jurisdiction of Opus Dei's bishop isn't defined to a geographic area; rather, his influence and authority extend to all prelature members, wherever they live or hide.

  Note: Opus Dei has nothing to do with Dan Brown or The Da Vinci Code, though needless to say, the bestselling book has been quite a recruiting tool.

  SOVEREIGN MILITARY ORDER OF THE TEMPLE OF JERUSALEM

  You might have heard the SMOTJ called by another name: the Knights Templar. And how cool is this—you, too, can become a knight. Get the ball rolling by sending a résumé and letter of introduction to Membership@smotj.org.

  The Knights Templar were officially sanctioned by the Catholic Church in the aftermath of the First Crusade, to protect European pilgrims in the Holy Land. Today, the Templar's traditional weapon, the sword, has lost an s, becoming the word, and modern Knights Templar concern themselves more with antiquarian research and lobbying for the preservation of ancient sites in or near Jerusalem than with lopping off infidel heads (special bonus if said preserved sites can be linked explicitly or implicitly with an Indiana Jones movie).

  ORDO TEMPLI ORIENTIS

  When you picture a secret society, you likely picture something similar to the Ordo Templi Orientis, which includes complex initiation rites, occult rituals, and loose belief in a somewhat abstruse religious concept. In 1904, Aleister Cr
owley, known to followers as the Great Beast, codi-fied the order's beliefs in his Book of the Law, the guiding principle of which is “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.”

  To join, first practice freeing yourself from inhibition. Then go to oto-usa.org.

  HOW TO ASK FOR THE RESTROOM IN TWELVE LANGUAGES