The Geeks' Guide to World Domination

by Garth Sundem

  If, instead, you add a constant amount—say $7 a day—the equation gets a bit trickier: P = C(1 − r)n + A[(1 + r)n + 1 − (1 + r)/r]. To the variables of the previous equation, this adds A for the amount you add per period (your $7) and n for the number of periods (in our example, the number of days). It takes about fifty years of $7-per-day investments to reach a million dollars.

  A SAM LOYD ALGEBRA PUZZLE

  THREE REAL-WORLD PROBLEMS YOU CAN SOLVE WITH THE PYTHAGOREAN THEOREM (A2 + B2 = C2)

  1. If a baseball diamond is ninety feet per side, how far does the catcher have to throw the ball to nail a base runner trying to steal second?

  2. You're building a ramp from your garage into the back of your truck. The truck is eight feet from the garage and the bed is forty-two inches high. How long should the ramp be?

  3. The base of the eight-foot ladder you are using to paint your house needs to be three feet away from the wall to keep you from tipping over. How high will the ladder reach?

  THE QUOTABLE YODA

  Aristotle, Confucius, Lao-tzu, Nietzsche … screw ‘em. Geeks know that true knowledge flows from the Force, as channeled by Yoda. The only entity that even comes close is Yogi Berra. (The similarities in name and physical appearance can't be a coincidence.)

  • Do or do not … there is no try.

  • Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

  • Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?

  • Named must your fear be before banish it, you can.

  • Ohhh, great warrior! Wars not make one great!

  • Around the survivors, a perimeter create!

  NINE AUSTRALIAN ANIMALS MOST PEOPLE THINK ARE FAKE

  HOW TO BOX-STEP

  While it is possible for members of society at large to twist, waltz, foxtrot, and even hump arhyth-mically while flashing a white-man's overbite and still eke out a semblance of cool, nothing defines geek like the box-step. Learn it, love it, live it.

  It goes a little something like this:

  FOUR RULES OF LOGIC

  1. CHAIN RULE

  If A leads to B and B leads to C, then A leads to C. For example, if Tom drinks a triple-shot mo-chaccino, he will short-circuit his pacemaker. If Tom short-circuits his pacemaker, he will be late for work. Thus, if Tom drinks a triple-shot mochaccino, he will be late for work.

  2. CONTRAPOSITIVE (NOTE: NOTHING TO DO WITH BIRTH CONTROL).

  If A then B can be rewritten as if not B, then not A. For example, if Tom is at work on time, then he has kept himself to a single-shot mochaccino. If Tom has not kept himself to a single-shot mochac-cino, then Tom will not be at work on time.

  3. DISJUNCTIVE ADDITION

  If any statement is true, we may use the OR operator to add to it another statement, whether the other one is true or false. For example, for Tom, triple-shot espresso drinks are rather psycho active. Thus, for Tom, triple-shot espresso drinks are rather psycho active OR this morning he has chosen to wear a tutu for unrelated reasons.

  experts believe Australia's unique animals resulted from unholy experiments performed by evil British scientists exported to the early penal colony in the late eighteenth century. For example, the platypus is the combination of a duck and a beaver, and the koala (not pictured) resulted from the coupling of a common raccoon with Danny DeVito.

  4. MODUS PONENS (SETTING DOWN A RULE)

  In an IF/THEN statement in which the IF is present, the THEN is also present. For example, if Tom drinks triple-shot mochaccinos every morning for the next two weeks, then he will gain an understanding of the sacred/divine heretofore experienced by only the Dalai Lama and Ken Kesey.

  HOW TO COUNT CARDS: THE MIT BLACKJACK TEAM

  Generally, because a dealer has to keep hitting until he reaches 17, a deck (or multiple decks in a “shoe”) that retains its high cards is dangerous for the dealer, as higher cards increase the chances of the dealer going bust. Additionally, a deck retaining its high cards is more likely to offer the score of 21—a blackjack—which pays 1.5 to 1, or odds that favor the bettor.

  By the early 1990s—the hey day of the MIT Blackjack Team—this knowledge was old hat; casinos were on the lookout for players drastically adjusting their betting strategy to take advantage of hot decks recognized by counting cards, i.e., playing mini-mums, then suddenly adjusting bets significantly higher as the shoe got hot. Thus the innovation of the MIT Blackjack Team was not necessarily in counting cards, but in devising a method to maximize their profits without getting caught.

  Here's how it worked:

  A spotter sat at a table, consistently playing the minimum while counting high and low cards. If the shoe happened to get hot, the spotter continued to play minimums but secretly signaled a “gorilla” who would arrive to bet big and take advantage of the favorable odds. While sometimes the gorillas lost their massive bets, the 2 percent advantage offered by card counting led to big payoffs over time (as well as massive amenity comps the casinos offered the high-rolling gorillas, which the team shared).

  HOW TO READ A CHINESE ABACUS

  Beads pushed toward the centerline are in use.

  “Earth” beads from below the centerline count for one each; “Heaven” beads from above the centerline count for five each.

  Each rod (column) is a digit. Thus the number in the picture above is 68170000.

  HOW LONG YOU CAN SLEEP ON YOUR ARM WITHOUT LOSING IT

  It's two in the morning, and you wake to find that someone has grafted a zombie arm to your left shoulder. You command it to move—no response. You poke it with your right hand—no response. You throw it against the wall—no response. Don't worry: It's extremely unlikely it will remain zombified forever. However, medical literature disagrees as to exactly how unlikely. The current guidelines for tourniquet use suggest a one-hour maximum for restricted blood flow to upper extremities and a two-hour maximum for lower extremities, but also admit that the onset and degree of tissue death (necrosis) varies according to patient age and physical condition. Past these thresholds, restricted blood flow can result in nerve damage. (The tingling you feel is your nerves’ way of expressing angst—a call to roll over before they get really pissed.) After four hours without blood flow, wet gangrene and the decomposition of tissue due to stagnant blood trapped in extremities can begin. Generally, your arm will not fall off due to gangrene (as might a finger or a toe); rather, if you allow the infection to progress (the timing of which varies widely), you will be forced to have the arm amputated rather than allow the infection to become systemic.

  The short answer: It's not good to restrict blood flow for more than about an hour and a half; it's very, very bad to restrict flow for more than four hours.

  THE HIGHEST- SCORING WORDS IN SCRABBLE

  If you're serious about Scrabble, you know legal words depend on which dictionary you use. (If you're that serious about Scrabble, there is no question you have made a wise purchase with this book….) Official American tournament rules allow words from both the Official Scrabble Players Dictionary (OSPD) and Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (MWCD). These rules make MUZJIKS and POPQUIZ the highest-scoring opening plays at 128 points each, with OXAZEPAM, BEZIQUES, CAZIQUES, MEZQUITS, and MEZQUITE sharing the honors for highest-scoring words in game play at 392 points (across two triple-word scores, with a high-scoring tile on the double-letter score).

  However, beware the rogue British dictionary. With a nod toward the continued need for British pedantic dominance, Chambers Official Scrabble Words (OSW) includes the word QUIZZIFY, which, despite requiring a blank tile for one of the Zs, roundly thumps anything in American English.

  HOW TO BREW YOUR OWN BEER

  THREE SPELLING RULES YOU LEARNED AND THEN QUICKLY FORGOT

  1. I before E, except after C or when it sounds like A, as in neighbor or weigh.

  2. When adding a suffix or verb ending to a word that ends with an E (e.g., confuse), drop the E if the suffix
or verb ending starts with a vowel (making confusing, not confuseing).

  3. When adding a suffix or verb ending to a word that ends with a Y, if the letter before the Y is a consonant, change the Y to an I (e.g., geeky, geekiest); if the letter before the Y is a vowel, keep the Y (e.g., employ, employable).

  THE TINKERTOY COMPUTER

  The term computer was first used by Sir Thomas Browne in 1646 A.D., or 329 B.B. (Before Bill) according to the Gatesian calendar. Coincidentally (perhaps?), the year zero of the Gatesian calendar, or 1975 A.D., corresponds to Daniel Hillis's and Brian Silverman's sophomore year at MIT. And it was during this year the two had the retro idea of constructing a nonelectronic computer—specifically, one made of Tinker-toys. Four years later, after a somewhat disappointing version 1.0, the pair started work on what was to become the Great Tinker-toy Computer, which plays a mean game of tic-tac-toe and is now housed at the Mid-America Science Museum.

  Here's how it works:

  Stored in a forty-eight-row matrix of Tinkertoy “memory spindles” is every possible combination of Xs and Os in the game of tic-tac-toe. Based on the current board configuration (as input by a human operator), the computer scrolls through its library of possibilities, and then chooses the best next move. A diagram of the machine's top row is shown on the previous page, which describes all possible responses to a game's first move (all other combinations are actually rotations of the configurations shown). The crux is in the mechanics—Hillis and Silverman's machine uses a gravity fed “read head,” which falls down the front of the machine until coming to rest at the game's current X/O configuration, thus tripping an “output duck” (no kidding, it's a wooden duck), which swings down to point at a number signifying the computer's next move. An operator then inputs the human response to this move, raises the read head, and the Tinkertoy computer is again off and running. Note: you can't beat the robot. It will win.

  1998, Cornell University lecturer Michael Coleman and Andy Ruina, director of the Cornell Biomechanics/Robotics lab, took another small step forward in Tinkertoy science, using the toys to construct a robot that mimics the mechanics of walking (the schematics of which are below).

  THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOUR BRAIN HURT I: EINSTEIN'S SPECIAL RELATIVITY

  Newton's apple fell from the tree and, after thumping the scientist on the head, fell benignly to the ground. If the same apple fell toward Einstein (and happened to have a little added atomic oomph), it could, according to special relativity, become infinitely massive, flattening not only the unfortunate Einstein as he sat bodhisattvalike beneath the tree, but also Earth itself.

  This doesn't mean Newton was wrong, only that his theories apply more accurately to things traveling at speeds that don't approach the speed of light (from slow-moving atomic particles to city transit buses). The crucial postulate of Einstein's theory is the idea that the speed of light is measured to be exactly the same no matter the motion of the observer. If you think about it, this is a little weird: usually speed does depend on the motion of the observer. If you are driving down the highway, you will measure the relative speed of a bicyclist very differently than would a kid sitting at a roadside lemonade stand. Don't worry—unless you, the bicyclist, or the kid is traveling near the speed of light, you can leave your intuitive understanding of this situation intact.

  With the speed of light remaining constant (c = 3 × 108 m/s), other terms in equations that include c must—sometimes counterintuitively—be variable. For example, Einstein's now-accepted interpretation of the Lorentz transformation proves that time is variable, meaning that if a very, very fast spaceship returned to Earth, the clocks on the ship would lag behind the time shown on Big Ben. Special relativity also relates mass and energy as variables (E = mc2), which explains nuclear power and explosions. Because c is a huge constant—especially c squared—there's a whole lot of energy trapped in a little bit of mass. When scientists found a way to liberate this energy, things went boom.

  PATENT YOUR INVENTION IN SIX EASY STEPS (!)

  1. Make sure you own the idea. Are you a professor or student? Did your job inspire this idea? Better hope your million-dollar widget has nothing to do with your university or employer. Check with your institution's higher-ups before proceeding. If your idea is any good, they will certainly get involved at some point.

  2. Make sure the idea is unique. It would be a shame to invest time and money only to later find that, in fact, the mechanical backscratcher already exists. Search the U.S. Patent and Trade Office (www.uspto.gov) and Delphion (www.delphion.com). Later, you will likely hire a patent attorney to formalize this search for you.

  3. Document your idea in writing. First write a description of your idea and then, throughout the process, keep all correspondence, illustrations, pictures, etc. Keep sales receipts or anything else that documents your progress. If you like, file these documents with the U.S. Patent and Trade Office under their Disclosure Document Program. Otherwise, hide your invention as if it were a CIA list of covert operatives.

  4. “Reduce to practice.” In order to get a patent, your invention has to work. Build and test your idea or otherwise prove it will work (maybe in a lab setting).

  5. If you haven't hired a patent attorney, do it now. He or she will determine, once and for all, whether your idea is new and unique or whether it's already floating around out there in the ether.

  6. Finally, file for a patent (www.uspto.gov). The application includes three parts: a written description of the invention, an illustration, and a rather hefty filing fee.

  THE WORLD'S BEST CORNFIELD AND HEDGE MAZES

  The evolution of the life-size maze neatly parallels the widely held stereotype of the interplay of cultural knowledge between Europe and the United States. Specifically, most hedge mazes—and certainly the oldest—are European; Americans imported the idea, enlarged and mass produced it in the form of a patchwork of cornfield mazes, invented and refined the method of turning a buck on the idea (tourism!), and exported the retooled (and popularized) life-size maze back to Europe, especially the United Kingdom, where the maize maze craze now supports a thriving industry of designers and practitioners.

  Here is a list of the world's best mazes:

  HAMPTON COURT PALACE, SURREY, UK

  This is the oldest known hedge maze, designed and planted by the royal gardeners of King William III of England between 1689 and 1695. While it is historically significant, it covers only a scant half acre—a good stop for the history buff, not the thrill seeker.

  COOL PUMPKIN PATCH AND CORN MAZE, DIXON, CALIFORNIA

  At 40 acres of gut-busting fun, fun, fun, Dixon's cornfield maze was listed in the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records as the world's largest. (Just off I-80! Now with a video on YouTube!)

  PEACE MAZE, CASTLEWELLAN FOREST PARK, COUNTY DOWN, NORTHERN IRELAND

  The world's largest permanent hedge maze takes up 2.7 acres and uses more than 6,000 yew trees. Integral in the design and planting were the efforts of more than four thousand schoolchildren. The construction of the maze followed 1998's Good Friday Agreement.

  PINEAPPLE GARDEN MAZE, DOLE PLANTATION, HAWAII

  A 1.7-mile trail through more than 11,400 colorful Hawaiian plants. In 2001, it was the world's biggest. At Dole, there is little in the way of aloha for residents of Dixon, California, who (as described above) eclipsed their record.

  CASTLE RUURLO, NETHERLANDS

  We can only assume the publicists of the maze at Castle Ruurlo had to work with the language a bit to maintain this maze's mystique. Thus, it is “the oldest, largest permanent hedge maze in Europe” meaning that in 1881, when it was planted, it was a big deal.

  LONGLEAT HEDGE MAZE

  This is the UK hedge maze at its best: almost 1.5 acres and 1.7 miles of trails through 16,000 English yews.

  CHTEAU DE THOIRY, FRANCE

  This is the largest hedge maze in France. The online description asks (in a thick French accent), “Will you be able to piece [sic] its mysteries?”


  THE MAZE AT SCHÖNBRUNN, VIENNA, AUSTRIA

  This maze was reconstructed in 1998 based, whenever possible, on the layout of an earlier incarnation of it, which existed from 1698 to 1740. With 1.7 miles of devious trails, be sure to wear athletic shoes and bring a lunch. The palace itself sees over 1.5 million visitors annually.

  SEVEN MATERIALS- SCIENCE BLUNDERS THAT BECAME EVERYDAY PRODUCTS

  Louis Pasteur said, “Fortune favors the prepared mind,” and nowhere is this truer than the field of invention, in which today a team of materials scientists may stand around a vat of mysterious precipitate and tomorrow declare it the substance that will forever revolutionize the fart can.