The Geeks' Guide to World Domination
Page 6
FIVE CLASSIC MACGYVER HACKS
Episode 1.04—”The Gauntlet”: To create a distraction, MacGyver ties firecrackers to the inside of a church bell, attaches a lit candle to the bell's clapper, and uses rope to hold the bell raised to the side. When another candle burns through the rope, the bell is released and the candle on the clapper swings to ignite the firecrackers.
Episode 2.01—”The Human Factor”: To re-create the fingerprint of a person who recently used an electronic hand-scan machine, MacGyver coats the scanner with a thick layer of plaster dust. When he gently blows away the dust, some remains stuck to the previous operator's sweat print. MacGyver then presses the dust print with his jacket: hand-scan verified.
Episode 2.07—”The Road Not Taken”: To evade jungle pursuers, MacGyver creates a time-release catapult. He bends four small trees to the ground and secures them using a thin vine. Then he uses his friend's rosary to concentrate sunlight, which slowly burns through the vine. When released, the trees spring up, throwing rocks.
Episode 3.10—”Blow Out”: When MacGyver stumbles onto a robbery in progress at the local grocery store, he mixes tear gas from cayenne pepper, vinegar, and baking soda—all this inside a hot water bottle, which pressurizes like a balloon as the vinegar and baking soda react. When MacGyver punches a hole in the rubber water bottle, it spews pepper spray.
Episode 4.14—”Gold Rush”: MacGyver listens to an old phonograph record by attaching a pin to the end of a paper cone and holding the pin gently against the record, which he rotates on a cylinder.
SIX PEOPLE WHOSE OBITUARIES WERE PUBLISHED BEFORE THEIR DEATHS
WWF STARS OF THE 1980S
If “geek” is one end of a socio-cultural spectrum, then certainly the other end is WWF. Why then is WWF (now WWE) so inherently fascinating to us geeks? Maybe it's the expression by wrestlers of the geek's repressed id; more likely, it has something to do with steroidal meatheads taking themselves oh-so-seriously while clad in neon Lycra skimpy enough to make even a Frenchman blush.
FACES: THE GOOD GUYS
HEELS: THE BAD GUYS
INTERNET POKER: BY THE NUMBERS
No matter what you read in the various published strategy guides and online chat rooms about pot odds, implied odds, reverse implied odds, and pot equity, there is no mathematically definite strategy for poker played in casinos. Because the best poker is unpredictable and in casinos you are likely to experience the best poker, all decisions are eventually somewhat intuitive. (Like the stock market, you can't figure out Dan Harrington. If you could, you could beat him. Note: you can't.)
However, online poker—for better or for worse—is different. The sheer volume of online players (and the relatively low investment of time and money needed to play online) means that Internet games tend to be fast and loose. Your opponents can't be trusted to fold when you bluff, and frequently—because your opponents are idiots—you can trust very little “information” gathered in the course of a hand.
Thus, the best strategy is to play tight, mathematically precise poker, while seeing as many hands per hour as possible in order to make this slow-‘n’-steady strategy pay a decent hourly wage. A good, tight player will earn around $10 per every 100 hands of low-limit poker. In a casino that deals 30 hands per hour, this translates into $3.33 an hour. You would be better off working at Starbucks, where at least you get health benefits. But online poker sites frequently deal upwards of 60 hands per hour, immediately bumping the hourly wage of a solid, no-frills player up to $6. Now find a site that allows you to play multiple tables at once. If you're playing six fast tables simultaneously, you're seeing 360 hands per hour, and—if you can avoid going completely insane—you can make somewhere in the neighborhood of $36 an hour.
FINGER AMPUTATION DATA
A 2001 study by the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control (NCIPC) estimated that nearly 21,430 fingers are amputated annually due to nonoccu-pational injuries. This translates into almost exactly a mile of disembodied finger, laid end to end. The two populations most at risk for injuries that result in finger amputation are children below the age of four (slammed doors) and men between the ages of forty-five and sixty-five (power tools, specifically the table saw). The authors of the NCIPC study suggest teaching young children to open doors that have slammed on their finger(s) before attempting to remove any trapped body part in order to avoid ripping loose said body part(s).
THE BEST COLLECTIBLES FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSES
The value of a collectible is based mostly on rarity and appeal—it makes sense that if something is rare and people want it, it will cost a lot to get it (see “The Three Basic Principles of Economics,” page 12). The question is, what creates appeal? If, in the case of collectibles, this is simply nostalgia, then what makes an original Star Wars action figure more nostalgic than, say, a 1984 Hot Wheels car? (OK, bad example. We all know that an original Star Wars action figure is worth more than its weight in diamonds.)
The tough news is that collectibles don't tend to return at rates comparable to a stock market index fund—that is, if you are buying collectibles that are already on the market. A collectible best-case scenario is to either stumble onto established items at below market value (that Honus Wagner card from your grandfather's boyhood time capsule) or find items whose value is not yet recognized (the garage sale table with the simply elegant, hand-hewn dovetail joints that bespeak its Shaker origins).
Generally, you can count on coins, stamps, and antiques to hold market value (due to established track records), while the value of sports cards, action figures, comic books, and other nostalgia can fluctuate wildly. As with any investment, pick your poison—high risk, high reward, or low risk, low reward.
NINE SHADOW PUPPETS YOU CAN MAKE WITH YOUR HANDS
BEWARE, MLB HURLERS: TED WILLIAMS MAY BE BACK
The theory of human preservation via cryogenics states that if temperature is reduced quickly to that of liquid nitrogen (−196°F) or below, then water in human tissue doesn't have time to form the destructively sharp crystalline structure associated with traditional freezing. Instead, water effectively stops in place, in a state of suspended animation (others posit that this also requires suspended disbelief). Additionally, some cryogenic institutes replace a good portion of the brain's water with cryoprotectant liquids like those found in some Arctic animals.
2007, Paris Hilton bought shares in the Cryogenics Institute, hoping to preserve herself along with her pets, the Chihuahua Tinkerbell and the Yorkshire terrier Cinderella.
While the reports of Walt Disney's cryopreservation are simple urban myth, it is actual 100 percent fact that when Ted Williams died in 2002, his head was removed and frozen. Potentially, when technology catches up with science fiction, the Splendid Splinter will return to unleash his 521 career home runs and .344 lifetime batting average on unsuspecting future pitchers. Note to pitchers: be on the lookout for Frankensteinesque stitches ringing the neck.
HOMOPHONES, HOMOPHENES, HOMOGRAPHS, HOMONYMS, AND HETERONYMS
Can you match the following definitions to the correct terms listed in this section's title?
• Words with identical spellings but different pronunciations and meanings. For example, close and present both have multiple pronunciations and meanings.
• Words that share spelling and pronunciation, but differ in meaning. For example, stalk, bear, and left all have multiple meanings.
• Words or phrases that look the same to lip readers. For example, olive juice and I love you, or vacuum and fuck you.
• Words pronounced the same, but differing in meaning. For example, two and too, or know and no.
• A type of homonym (the preceding phrase offers the chance for some old-school deductive reasoning) in which spelling is the same, pronunciation may or may not be the same, and meaning differs. For example, bass, contract, incense, and wound all have multiple pronunciations and meanings.
A DIAGRAM OF THE CAFFEINE MOLECULE
Oh
sweet, sweet C8H10N4O2, you psychoactive little argonaut! Come, cross the blood-brain barrier, antagonize our adenosine receptors, and jack our dopamine!
A SAM LOYD LOGIC PUZZLE
On each signed section of track, there is space for only one car. How will the trains pass?
GREAT MOMENTS IN MORK & MINDY
Episode 38: Mork becomes a cheerleader for the Denver Broncos.
Episode 47: Unless he can find someone to marry, Mork may be deported!
Episode 53: The Elder, an Orkan whose name is pronounced by blowing a raspberry, converts Mindy's attic into a typical Orkan home to help Mork regain his Orkan ways.
Episode 67: Mork learns the ways of love from a swinger named T.N.T. and turns into a party animal.
Episode 77: Mork gives birth to an egg from his navel. It hatches to reveal a fully grown man (because Orkans age backward): Jonathan Winters.
Episodes 91–93: Mork and Mindy meet the evil alien Kalink, who bombs their apartment. Hilarity ensues. Fin.
THE TOOLS OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST SWISS ARMY KNIFE
Two pounds, eleven ounces, 8.75 inches wide. Notice the telescopic pointer, laser pointer, and golf divot repair tool.
2.5” 60% serrated locking blade
Adjustable pliers with wire crimper and cutter
Spring-loaded, locking needle-nose pliers with wire cutter
Phillips-head screwdriver bit 1
Flat-head screwdriver bit, 0.6 mm × 4.0 mm
Double-cut wood saw with ruler (in./cm)
Removable 4 mm curved Allen wrench with Phillips-head screwdriver
Universal wrench
Metal saw, metal file
Cupped cigar cutter with double-honed edges
Snap shackle
Mineral crystal magnifier with precision screwdriver
Flashlight
Micro tool adapter
Fine fork for watch-spring bars
Round needle file
Multipurpose screwdriver
Phillips-head screwdriver bit 2
2.5″ clip-point blade
Patented locking screwdriver, cap lifter, can opener
Micro scraper, curved
Screwdriver bit, 1.2 mm
Removable screwdriver bit holder
Reamer/awl
Toothpick
Key ring
Double-cut wood saw
Nail file, nail cleaner
Removable screwdriver bit adapter
Flat-head screwdriver bit, 1.0 mm × 6.5 mm
Bike chain rivet setter, removable 5 mm Allen wrench, screwdriver for slotted and Phillips-head screws
Removable 10 mm hexagonal key
Laser pointer with 300 ft. range
4 mm Allen wrench
12/20-gauge choke-tube tool
Telescopic pointer
2.4″ springless scissors with serrated, self-sharpening design
Fish scaler, hook disgorger, line guide
Micro scraper, straight
Pin punch, 1.2 mm
Removable tool holder with expandable receptacle
Flat Phillips-head screwdriver
Phillips-head screwdriver bit 0
Self-centering gunsight screwdriver
Can opener
Golf club face cleaner
Golf shoe spike wrench
Special tool holder
Screwdriver bit, 0.8 mm
Magnetized recessed bit holder
Patented locking screwdriver, cap lifter, wire stripper
Tweezers
Extension tool
Corkscrew
2.5″ blade for official World Scout Knife
Flat-head screwdriver bit, 0.5 mm × 3.5 mm
Magnetized recessed bit holder
Removable tool for adjusting bike spokes, 10 mm hexagonal key for nuts
Patented locking Phillips-head screwdriver
1.65″ clip-point utility blade
2.5″ blade
Watch case-back opening tool
Compass, straight edge, ruler (in./cm)
Shortix laboratory key
Micro tool holder
Pin punch, 0.8 mm
Removable tool holder
Flat-head screwdriver bit, 0.5 mm × 3.5 mm
Flat-head screwdriver bit, 0.6 mm × 4.0 mm
Phillips-head screwdriver
2.4″ round-tip blade
Golf divot repair tool
Phillips-head screwdriver bit, 1.5mm
Mineral crystal magnifier, fork for watch spring bars, small ruler
Tire tread gauge
Chisel-point reamer
Fiber optic tool holder
Fine metal file with precision screwdriver
GUITAR TABLATURE FOR THE OPENING OF AEROSMITH'S “WALK THIS WAY”
Why are there so precious few hard rock anthems covered by 80s rap groups? Really, there should be more. The following guitar tablature describes one of the easiest and most recognizable riffs ever written.
SIX UNQUESTIONABLY TRUE CONSPIRACIES
1. Few people know what David Icke knows. Diana, princess of Wales, knew. Paul McCartney, too. The Bush family, the British Royals, and Kris Kristofferson found out the hard way. What David Icke knows is this: Most world leaders and some 80s pop stars have, in fact, been replaced by reptilian humanoids that require periodic ingestion of human blood to maintain their appearance.
2. The Denver Airport is bigger than it really needs to be and is suspiciously removed from the city itself. Throughout, there are strange Masonic symbols. Conclusion: it's the Western base of the New World Order and the tip of the iceberg of a massive underground base and city.
3. Six steps to a vast electro-genic Armageddon: 1. Replace precious metals with paper currency. 2. Replace paper currency with credit cards. 3. Replace cards with Internet commerce.
4. Consolidate banks by merger.
5. Implement worldwide identity card. 6. Cut the power. Sit back and watch the world overcome by chaos. (Brought to you by the New World Order or, potentially, by their reptilian overlords.)
4. In addition to its pastoral setting, Montauk, New York, is known as the site of a 2004 Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot—Veronika Varekova made the cover. Less known are the area's experiments with teleportation, extraterrestrials, psychological warfare, time travel, and quantum stealth technology.
5. Beware the barcode of the beast. Yes, that's right, along with your caffeine cola and Cosmo, pick up a little deftly disguised 666 at the grocery store.
6. Fossil fuel, wind, water, solar, nuclear … Vril. Unfortunately, you can't use Vril. Only the matriarchal, socialist, utopian superior beings who live under, for example, Mount Shasta can use Vril. Sucks to be you.
HIGHLIGHTS OF EARLY MATHEMATICS EDUCATION
This one goes out to all those little geeks out there.
Pre-kindergarten: Develop understanding of shapes and whole numbers, including … counting!
Kindergarten: Learn to compare and order objects.
Grade 1: Addition and subtraction.
Grade 2: Long addition and subtraction, counting by tens.
Grade 3: Multiplication and division, basic fractions, and geometric ideas, including congruence and symmetry.
Grade 4: Fluency in multiplication and division, fractions and decimals, and the area of shapes.
Grade 5: Long multiplication and division, adding and subtracting fractions and decimals, and 3-D shapes.
Grade 6: Multiplying and dividing fractions and decimals, solving and writing word problems.
Grade 7: Ratio and percent problems, such as discounts, interest, and taxes. Volume and surface area. Manipulating negative integers.
Grade 8: Basic algebra (linear equations). Geometry using distance and angle. Basics of data sets (mean, median, range, average).