by Beth Wiseman
An hour later, Martha pulled into Danielle and Levi’s driveway, and sure enough, Vera’s horse and buggy were hitched up out front. Martha lifted her left leg and swung her cast outside the car, then caught her breath before she maneu-vered the crutches across the seat in front of her. It took effort, but she was finally on her feet, the crutches under her arms. Arnold had tried to insist on driving, but there was nothing wrong with her right foot, and in this part of the world, that was the only foot she needed to operate a car. She carried herself across the yard but stopped at the porch steps. Good grief. They looked like a mountain in front of her. She hadn’t factored those into her plan. Arnold had helped her down the steps at home.
She was eyeing the first step and wondering how she would hold the handrail and both crutches when Vera came out on the porch.
“Martha, what in the world are you doing?” She put her hands on her hips. “Did you drive yourself here?”
“Back off, Vera. I’m coming up.” She stepped up and onto the first step with her right foot, but that was about it. Vera was quickly at her side, and Martha decided if she was going to see Danielle, she’d better let the woman help her into the house.
“Back off ? Why do you sound so angry?” Vera grunted, her hand around Martha’s waist, as the two women struggled up the steps.
“Oh, never you mind. I’m here to see Danielle.” She marched on her crutches past Vera and into the living room while Vera held the screen open. Right away, Martha noticed the differences. A few new pieces of furniture, and the place smelled clean.
“Are we a wee bit cranky today?” Vera lifted one eyebrow, those hands back on her hips again.
Martha stopped in the middle of the living room and lifted a crutch toward Vera’s chest. “You have your own daughters. Quit trying to steal mine.” She kept the crutch there for a moment as Vera stepped back, hand to her chest.
“Are you crazy? What are you talking about? And quit pointing that thing at me.”
“Danielle told me all about how the two of you have gotten so close.” She gave the crutch a little push. “But Danielle and I are closer.”
Vera took a step backward. “Put that crutch down before you fall. And you’re being ridiculous.” She paused, smiling. “She said we’ve gotten close?”
“Yeah, yeah. But I think I’m plenty well enough to take care of her now, so you can pack up and go home.” Martha cringed as she almost stumbled and barely caught her balance.
“Ya. I see that.”
Vera’s catty smile was enough to make Martha want to smack her. “Danielle, I’m here now, honey!” She hobbled across the living room and into the bedroom. “There you are. I’m here to take care of you.”
Danielle put down a magazine next to her on the bed. “What are you doing here? What about your foot?” Danielle slid her feet over the side of the bed, got up, and walked to Martha. It felt good to have Danielle’s arms around her neck. “I’ve missed you, but you didn’t have to get out. I told you Vera is taking good care of me.”
“Not anymore.” She kissed Danielle on the cheek. “I’ve dismissed her.”
Martha turned around when she heard Vera grunt in the entryway.
“Dismissed me?” Vera’s hands were back on her hips.
“Yes. You heard me.” She plastered a wide smile across her face. “Thank you for taking care of Danielle until I was well enough to do it myself. But I’ll be here daily now.”
“Really?” Vera let out a haughty little laugh. “And how will you do all the cooking and cleaning in your condition?” She tapped a finger to her chin. “Do you even cook?”
Martha eased away from Danielle, taking deep breaths. “Yes, Vera. You know I cook. I believe Danielle made you my famous chicken lasagna. And I’ll hire someone to clean this place.”
Vera rolled her eyes. “I’m sure the children will get tired of chicken lasagna every night, and . . . well, it wonders me why you would hire someone to clean when I am perfectly able to tend to this haus. And Levi is mei sohn, and Danielle is . . .”
DANIELLE WONDERED HOW Vera might have finished the sentence, but she’d just tapered off and took a deep breath. Danielle was glad to see Martha, but she couldn’t help but think about all the great meals Vera had been cooking, and poor Martha could barely keep her balance on the crutches. Danielle wondered who would be taking care of whom.
“Martha, everything is fine here, really.” Danielle flinched as Martha nearly stumbled as she turned to look at her. “You should let Arnold take care of you, and Vera has been great, and . . .” She paused as Martha blinked a few times, then grunted. “It’s not that I don’t need you, because you know I do.” She glanced over Martha’s shoulder. Vera was smiling, and Danielle stifled a giggle. Then she just burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?” Martha puckered her lips, and Vera moved farther into the room until she was standing next to Martha, a confused expression replacing the smile.
Danielle bent at the waist and laughed harder. When she stood back up, she swiped at her eyes. “This is just kind of funny. My own mother couldn’t stand me and only wanted me around to serve her, but you two . . .” She laughed through her tears.
Martha and Vera turned to each other, frowned, then looked back at Danielle.
“Honey . . .” Martha shifted her weight, leaning onto the left crutch. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. I just . . .” She shrugged. “I think I’m a lucky person to have you both in my life.”
Vera edged forward, her face flushed. “I will stop coming if you want me to, if you feel like Martha can take care of you.”
“Oh good grief.” Martha made her way to the rocking chair in the bedroom and settled into it, rolling her eyes. “Don’t sound so pitiful, Vera.”
Vera spun around. “I am not being pitiful. You’re just cranky.” She turned back to face Danielle. “It’s up to you, Danielle.”
Danielle glanced back and forth between the two women, and she couldn’t stop smiling amidst the tears filling her eyes. Thank You, Lord, she found herself praying. For two moms, when I felt I had none. She settled her hands across her belly, then she looked out the window. “Look.” She nodded outside. “It’s snowing.”
She walked to the window and stared into a dusty mist of white swirls as clouds slowly eased across the horizon, leaving an orange glow in the distance. A few moments later, she heard the click of Martha’s crutches coming across the wooden floor behind her, along with a set of footsteps. As Vera and Martha joined her at the window on either side, they stared at the crystalline flakes dancing downward.
“I love the first snow of the season,” Vera whispered. “It’s early this year.”
Danielle thought about the two women standing next to her, different in so many ways, but with several things in common. They both had a strong faith, and they both wanted to take care of her. To teach her about another way of life that included a peacefulness that they both seemed to know. Danielle wanted to feel peace, and it seemed that faith was the way to that goal. She latched on to Martha’s hand and squeezed. Hesitantly, she reached for Vera’s too, and she smiled when Vera squeezed her hand first.
And as the snow deepened into a heavy blanket of white, Danielle knew what she was going to do.
IT WAS LATE in the evening when she heard Levi snoring next to her. Their bedroom was toasty warm from the propane heater, but Danielle couldn’t sleep. She picked up the flashlight next to the bed, shone it on the floor in front of her, and made her way to the living room. After adding another small log to the fire, she went to the kitchen and lit the propane lamp they kept on the kitchen table. She carried it to the window. Peeking out, she could see that the snow had stopped, just a sheen of white outside.
She put the lamp in the middle of the table, then walked to a kitchen drawer and took out a pad of paper and pen. Putting them on the table, she pulled out a chair and sat down. She stared at the paper and pen and wondered if this was a dumb idea. After
trying to intimately communicate with God earlier, she couldn’t seem to get her thoughts together. But then she’d remembered keeping a diary, once upon a time. Writing things down seemed to help. It was sort of like a letter to herself, helping her get her thoughts in order.
But this was a different kind of letter. And she wanted to get it right. She picked up the pen and tapped it lightly against the table, thinking about everything that had happened since Martha had taken her in.
She’d started dating Matthew and gotten pregnant. Matthew had deserted her and Joshua. Levi had married her. And the biggest surprise of all—Vera seemed to now genuinely care about her and the baby. With Vera and Martha sharing her care, Danielle felt better cared for than at any other point in her life. Loved.
As Danielle thought about her life, the word blessed just kept coming to her mind. She thought about where she’d come from. A broken home, an abusive mother. To love. From Martha, Arnold, Levi. And now all of Levi’s family was slowly coming around. As she rubbed her stomach, Joshua gave a hard kick, and a tear rolled down her cheek.
She didn’t miss Matthew at all, but she couldn’t help but think how sad it was that he wouldn’t know his child. Or would he? Would he come back someday? And if so, how would Levi feel about that? They’d talked about it once, and Levi had said that Matthew had a right to see his son. She supposed they’d figure it out if it happened.
Something was missing, though, and Vera’s story had run through Danielle’s mind over and over again. She picked up the pen and listened for a moment as the winds howled against the clapboard house. Taking a deep breath, she began.
Dear God,
Hi. I’m Danielle. I know You probably know me, but I don’t really know You.
She put the pen down. This is so dumb. She leaned back and slouched into the chair.
Joshua kicked again, and she smiled. This new life was worth all the risks her heart had to take, even if it meant God didn’t hear her. She wanted to talk to Him anyway.
I’m not sure I’m worthy to ask for Your help and for You to bless me, Joshua, and Levi, but if You would consider doing that, I will promise to talk to You every day and try to get to know You better. I’ll also promise to try to live a good life.
She paused, her eyes filling with tears.
God, I want to be a great mother. Can You please help me with that?
And I want to thank You for Joshua, Levi, Martha, Vera, and all of my family and friends.
She stopped writing again and sniffled. Her hand started shaking.
I forgive Matthew for leaving us, and I hope You help him be happy.
And, God, I don’t know how to forgive my mother, but I’m going to try.
Please be with me, Lord. I need You. I know I do. Please help me . . .
I give it all to You.
Love,
Danielle
She lowered her head and cried softly. Then she stood up, picked up the letter, and eased across the kitchen floor. She slipped on Levi’s large work boots by the front door and pulled on his heavy black coat. She carried the lantern out the door and made her way down the porch steps and across the snow in the front yard.
Shivering from head to toe, she knew she needed to get out of the night air and back to bed, for Joshua’s sake. She read the letter one more time, then lifted her eyes to the sky. The air was bitterly cold as she lifted the letter high above her head, as if offering it to God. Before she could consciously decide to let it go, a swirl of wind scooped it from her hand; she watched it spin above her head, higher and higher, silently praying that her words would make it all the way to heaven, to God. And that He would hear her.
She walked back to the house, careful not to slip or do anything that could harm the life she carried inside of her.
When she opened the door, her eyes rounded and she gasped.
“What are you doing out there?” Levi rubbed his eyes as he walked toward her. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He gently grabbed her shoulders. “What’s wrong?”
Danielle stared into his loving, kind eyes. “I—I just—” Tears started again, but something besides sadness made the tears flow down her cheeks, a feeling she didn’t think she’d ever had before. “I think I just gave it all to God.”
“What?” Levi rubbed his eyes with one hand and squinted at her like he hadn’t heard her right. “You did what?”
“I gave it all to God.” She leaned up and kissed him. “My past. My future.”
He helped her out of his coat and his boots. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
She smiled. “I’m better than okay. So much better, Levi. I can feel God’s love.”
Twenty-One
SARAH EASED HER BUGGY PAST THE CHILDREN walking with their parents toward a nearby subdivision to ask for candy, something the Englisch did the last day of every October. Sarah’s family and the other Amish in the district didn’t participate in Halloween, and most of the area Englisch knew not to come to their homes asking for treats. Sarah recalled several children knocking on their door a few years ago dressed as a ghost, a devil, and some sort of fancy princess. Her father had tried to ignore the knock, but eventually her mother answered the door and gave them each a few coins, which seemed to please the children. When she’d been young, she’d wished she could participate and gather candy with the Englisch children.
Once she’d safely passed the children and their parents, she flicked the reins and picked up the pace, thankful it wasn’t snowing this afternoon. The temperature was hovering around thirty, but the sun shined brightly. She was bundled up in her heavy winter coat and wearing her warmest black tights under a blue dress. She clicked her tongue, and the horse picked up speed, probably as anxious as she to get home before dark.
A few minutes later, she passed by the Sangre de Cristo Chapel and knew it to be the Englisch church where Levi and Danielle had married. Her heart still ached at the thought of losing Levi to Danielle, and while she’d examined her heart for any remorse in her attempt to sway him, she never discovered any measure of guilt. She’d seen Levi at worship service, and he was always polite, but distant. She knew from others that Danielle was on bed rest and unable to attend their worship. On the surface, Vera was polite as well, but pretty cold when they had any time together. It left Sarah feeling betrayed. She’d heard that Levi’s mother spent a lot of time at Levi and Danielle’s—so apparently she’d made her peace with the girl, leaving Sarah to look like the villain.
The old woman, Martha—she didn’t even try to be polite, huffing at Sarah when she saw her for the first time last week at worship service, hobbling in on crutches. Sarah didn’t think the grumpy woman belonged among their people anyway. It all seemed so unfair to Sarah. She’d lived her entire life according to the Ordnung. Despite her prayers, bitterness crept over her every time she thought about it all or saw one of them. It was unnerving to see Levi attending Amish worship, yet living as an Englischer with his pregnant wife. He was trying to have it both ways, and God would surely punish him for that. A part of Sarah hoped so.
She slowed the buggy when she passed a man walking on the shoulder of the road. She wasn’t one to pick up a stranger, but this man looked Amish. He wore a black felt hat common to their people, and a long black coat, his hands stuffed deep into the pockets, his head tucked. Awfully cold to be walking this time of day. Unless you were one of the children and their parents weathering the cold for treats.
She eased the buggy to a stop and twisted to see him walking faster toward her. Her stomach lurched when she saw his face, flushed a rosy red from the wind. He wasn’t clean-shaven like an unmarried man, nor did he have the traditional beard of a husband. He looked like he just hadn’t shaved recently, with scraggly whiskers, and as she passed him, Sarah glanced over her shoulder to see if he had bobbed bangs on his forehead. It didn’t look like it. She turned around, prepared to move along, when he yelled at her.
“Wait! Please wait!”
Her heart was beating fas
ter as she glanced back again. He was smiling and running toward her. “Please! Wait!”
Sarah paused, unsure what to do. His voice sounded desperate, and she knew it would be dark soon, the temperatures dipping into the teens. What if he was a visiting relative of one of their own and Sarah left him on the side of the road? Her heart still beating fast in her chest, she swallowed hard and waited.
“Wie bischt! Danki for stopping.” The young man was about her age, and when he smiled, his green eyes glowed.
Relief flooded over her as she heard his use of their dialect, even through chattering teeth. And she couldn’t help but return a smile when she looked at his handsome face. “Where can I carry you?”
He climbed into the buggy and quickly began warming his hands on the portable heater blowing in the seat in between them. “Ach, I’m not sure.”
Sarah’s heart thumped inside her chest as she once again questioned if she should have stopped for this stranger. “Uh . . .” She thought for a moment. “Do you live near here?”
“Not too far, in Alamosa. But I know that’s too far for you to travel by buggy this late at night. Do you know anyone near here, a driver I could hire to get me there?”
“There’s a man named Wayne who lives up the road a bit. He might be able to take you to Alamosa. I can give you a ride to his haus.”
“Danki, danki. That would be gut.”
Sarah was again relieved to hear the familiar dialect. “Where are you coming from?”
“I’ve been a long way from home, hitching rides to get back. But my latest ride was only going as far as Canaan, so if you hadn’t come along, I might have frozen to death.”
Sarah stopped breathing for a moment, again wondering about this fellow. None of their people—that she knew of— would hitch a ride anywhere. But then he smiled again, putting her heart at ease a little. “I’m glad to be of help.” She moved the reins into her left hand and extended her right. “I’m Sarah Troyer.” Sarah trembled as they shook hands.
