Being Kalli

by Rebecca Berto

  I cry out softly, with my wrist between my teeth each time he drives into me. His lip, too, is clamped between his teeth. Us having to silence ourselves is as erotic as hearing him cry out for me.

  I’m ashamed to admit we don’t last long after being on the verge of orgasm multiple times before starting.

  He whispers, “Oh God, Kall, I’m coming,” from above me, and both of us unabashedly stare at each other. His neck weakens and lolls as his length pulses in me, and I finally give in to him and arch back and push the pain harder, pushing my pleasure as long as it will release me.

  “Fuck, I love you,” Nate says as he thrusts the last time, which is the same time as my quivering voice says, “I love you so much.”

  Punished, rewarded and now spent, we fall asleep without ever having the talk we need to have about our future, but I know there’ll be plenty of time for that. Plus, things can’t go downhill from here anyway.

  • • •

  Nate rolls off me and says, “Thanks, babe,” and I ask, “Do you really love me?” and he replies, “Oh, about that. I was just saying it to make you feel better.”

  I’m beyond hurt. Nate seemed so realistic. But I knew I shouldn’t have believed him. “He” said that I was beautiful and kind, too, before he forced me. I’m just weakened by love, which is a reminder as to why I swore off it too long. Love makes you vulnerable like that.

  “Kalli!” Nate shout whispers.

  I wake with a start, whacking my forearm on my bedside table and cursing at the same time. I shoot up.

  Looking around, things fall into place in a specific order.

  There’s the sunlight. That tells me it’s morning. Then there’s the fact Nate’s voice has called me. Sleep ridden, and thoughts still adjusting to the confusion, I tell myself Nate talking to me has to mean he’s here. That he’s still here.

  That Nate spent the night.

  Nate made love to me and then slept with me all night.

  “Crap, crap,” he mutters.

  I touch his arm, say, “Um, hi,” in this shy, girly voice I didn’t know I had.

  “I’m going to come across as an incredible asshole here but what’s the time?”

  I flip around to my clock radio and read, “Eight-thirty?”

  “Eight-thirty?”

  Nate’s voice breaks somewhat close to the soprano range at that, and he jumps off the bed.

  Now, I need to break this down for you. Nate jumps off the bed and Nate is naked. I’m gawking, with the possibility of drool, at Nate’s most sexy appendage. It’s hard and I follow that, rather than him, with my eyes as he searches my room like a hound dog on speed.

  I should help but my female urges pulse so strongly at me, I have to bring my fingers to myself to stop myself from convulsing into a quivering mess.

  “Kalli, I know you’re tired but can you please help me? I don’t know where my shirt went, and my keys fell out of my jean pocket, too.”

  I sit there.

  One.

  Two.

  Three seconds.

  And then I snap out of it. God, he’s gorgeous down there; like he’s an art form. So gorgeous that I want to do things to him to please him in every way I can and … I thought this last night. Wanting to make him happy instead of doing it to give me a rush. I’m forgetting, repeating myself. I think I’m losing myself and falling faster than I would have guessed I could.

  “Sorry, I maybe overslept.”

  I find his keys after I crawl my fingers halfway under my bed. Nate pulls out his shirt, balled at the foot of the mattress.

  It’s as he hurries to cover his chest and my mind starts thinking about us and what this means, and all the real stuff that I blurt out, “You’re just leaving? Now?”

  He rushes up to me, hands on either side of my face and presses a long kiss over my lips. “Kall Bell, I’m so, so sorry but I have a photography session today. My mate from class needs help with his set and shoot, and I’m shooting after him. We promised. Project is due, like, in two days.”

  Nate links his hands at the back of his head and turns from me. He seems to whisper to himself, and it sounds like self-cussing. “Shit,” he says, louder than the other words.

  Nate storms in, right in my space, his hands joining our hips together. “Stuff it. I’ll just tell him something urgent came up.”

  “I’m an urgency for you?” I say, kidding around.

  Really, I’m feeling the water works. When it comes to love, Nate could all but spell out the words I love you and I’d still half-joke about the prospect with him to safeguard myself in case he decides to reject me. I realise he’d never do that, though. God, first love. It’s driving me into a flutter of freaking butterflies.

  He caresses a finger across my cheek, sliding it to my chin and kissing me quickly.

  “No,” I say. “Please go.”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t know why I was in a rush. I’ll just say I can’t go. It’s my choice.”

  His look tries to be sure, stern, but I see it as asking, needing approval from me.

  “Since when did you lose your backbone, Nate?”

  “Since needing to spend every moment with you.”

  “Aren’t you embarrassed that it’s obvious you’re totally whipped?”

  “You’d need to whip me with those breasts, in that case.”

  Quick—so quick I only feel air whoosh—Nate hikes me up on his hips and my legs wrap around him. He buries his head into my boobs.

  “Ahh,” he sighs. “Yup, feels so good.”

  Hiked up on him, my legs secure me to him as close as possible so we never have to lose this perfect connection. I find myself blinking, slowing, trying to take every bit of Nate in. Looking at him mesmerises me, and I can barely think staring at him so close while I’m also so connected to him.

  He starts to smile, but covers his lips with mine instead, and our lips moving together are slow, like a beater on speed one. We’re feeling, tasting, understanding each other.

  I don’t want him to go anywhere.

  I pull back and look at him. His face mirrors my thoughts with that dreamy look, flushed cheeks and sexy gaze.

  “I’m not going anywhere. I promise,” I say.

  Instead of a retort, he smiles and puts me down. “Really?”

  “Yup. Pinky promise.”

  As we hold out our crooked fingers Nate’s phone rings. I motion for the bathroom and duck out quickly to change.

  I come back into my room to hear Nate finishing up, “… yeah I’m leaving in a few. Mhm. Cool, bro. See ya soon.” Nate mucks around with my phone, spinning it in his other hand.

  He hangs up his mobile, but continues to stare at mine.

  “What is it?”

  Nate ignores me, looking at something.

  “Nate?” I repeat, prompting him.

  When he doesn’t reply, he says, “Tell me this is a lie.”

  I lean over to look at the phone, but Nate snatches it to his chest. I eye him for a moment in case I can sense some clues, but I’m getting a very shaky feeling standing so close to him with his fist crushing my phone, and his jaw working his teeth against each other. His eyebrows are perked, waiting.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about! Stop playing games and just spill it.”

  He snorts. “Whatever, I’m sick of your shit. I thought you were different. You seemed … forget it.” I catch the phone as he throws it on the bed, scanning the text I never got to read last night:

  Donovan: Ey, sexy Kally. Wanna come with to that party tomoz night at the usual? I miss that tight ass and short black skirt.

  “Wait!” I scream out, as Nate is a second away from stepping out of my room.

  I run behind him and slam the door shut, trapping him here in my panic. I need any moment longer I can get.

  “You’re kidding; you’re not mad. Are you? I haven’t spoken to him! You can even see the text is unread.”

  “Kalli …” Nate dips his head, his
eyes searching mine. At least they won’t find lies. But I’m trembling at the thought he’ll mistake my fear for fear he’s discovered I’ve been chatting to Donovan, because that hasn’t happened. I’m just flipping out, palms spread over the door, blocking Nate in case he leaves because of Donovan’s careless text.

  “Please!”

  “He ‘misses’ you?”

  I shrug, attempting to act cool. “I’ve been with him before, so …”

  “So he ‘misses’ you? I think that’s bull. You know it too. A guy doesn’t miss a girl unless he wants to fuck her. He’s asking you to the party because he obviously thinks you’re interested.”

  I swap to cross my hands across my chest. I was defensive, trembling at the thought Nate would end all this happiness for this mistaken text message, but now he can go jump if he won’t give me a chance. His first instinct is to judge me for how I was, how I used to be. What a liar, saying all that deep and meaningful shit about me.

  What’s the point? I knew this was too good for a reason. I say as much, and add, “I’m not a sympathy case. You’re with me for me, not because you’re sorry my mum almost killed herself or I stuffed up and you somehow feel bad. You’re here for me. I’m telling you the truth. Go through the phone—” I point at the bed, where it lies “—I haven’t texted him once. Just another number like the other hundred or so other people at uni I have stored.”

  “I don’t know,” he mumbles, leaning back to the wall behind him and crossing his arms over his chest too.

  I heard once this stance was defensive, that it was a sign people don’t want to let the other person in. It sure feels exactly like that with the tense air separating us, and us not meeting gazes.

  “You mean you don’t know if you trust me still.”

  Nate shakes his head, nods at the door as a gesture meaning he wants to leave. I get up, sidestep to let him open it and walk away—from us. This is bull. Fucking bull. How did we get here so quick?

  “You said that, Kall, not me. What I want to know is why he doesn’t know we’re dating. All my mates know. In fact word travelled so fast when I told them we were working things out that absolutely everyone in the lecture on Friday knew about it by then.”

  I wanted to say I don’t go to uni anymore, but Donovan does, and his classes cross over with ours. Nate must think I’ve suggested otherwise to him, or kept it hidden in case I had a chance. The latter is partially true, I realise now. I haven’t told anyone but Scout in confidence, but it’s been out of fear that what I have with Nate is too good to be true.

  I open my mouth to tell Nate his assumption is wrong, but I’ve been lost in my own world, and Nate’s footsteps are far at the start of the house, near the entry. Running, I hook my hand around the doorway into the main room and continue to Nate, almost at the door.

  “Wait,” I call, panting. I hold my hand up, gulp in some air, and explain. “I haven’t told anyone. I haven’t told him or anyone anything.”

  Nate’s face drops, and that’s when I realise I’m digging a hole far from that happy place last night. I wonder how I can get back to it.

  “I think that’s the point, Kall. You’re keeping us to yourself—what?—in case we don’t work out?”

  Crap, he read my mind.

  “The hell?” I throw one hand up, disgusted. “I wasn’t aware it was a rule.”

  “It’s not, but I’ve never known you to keep anything to yourself, apart from your own secrets you’re ashamed of.”

  I put my hands on my hips and utter slowly, “I. Am. Not. Ashamed. Of. Us.”

  “I’m late,” Nate replies. “I really don’t want to start saying things we’ll regret. We’ll talk tonight at that party, ‘ey?” he says, finishing off with rich sarcasm. “I’ll just be a little late ‘cause of my shoot and some personal stuff.”

  Reeling from the sting, I stand there, trying to calm the pounding in my chest and head, only able to find my voice after I see him down my driveway.

  I’m worried you’ll realise you’re too good for the whore I really am, I think.

  But I’ll have time to tell him that later. At least I’ll see him later tonight at this party.

  I close the front door, heading back in, head sunken to my chest. So much so that when I walk to my room, I bump heads with Mum.

  “Youch,” she says, rubbing her forehead. “You okay?”

  She must have seen my face.

  “He had to leave quickly, much to my sorrow,” I deadpan. It’s a version of the truth.

  “Go grab a coffee from the kitchen and meet me at the table.”

  I do as she says, interested in this flip. I pour some coffee from the pot into two cups. She sits across from me, and with her so on the ball these days and interested in discussing what’s on her mind, I have a feeling of what she wants to talk about.

  “I’m so happy for you, Kalli!” she cries.

  “Because of Nate.”

  “Yup. You slept with him last night, didn’t you?”

  “Err, this is weird.”

  “Why?” Mum asks. She cups the mug and sips at her coffee, all the while studying my expressions. “You’ve always been a free one, and it’s never bothered you before.”

  “’Cause! You’ve never asked. I’m weirded out that we’re finally talking like this. You … you know. You never really noticed or cared. Actually, I’m not sure which it was.”

  “I care about you, Kalli. I always care what you do.” She sighs. Her shoulders dip and she flicks off some lone crumbs from the table. “I’m so happy about things with you and Nate. Not because if an accident happens I’m set to have the world’s most beautiful grandkids, but for you. You’re so free. You look like you’re smiling when you walk, worlds away in happy thoughts. You don’t look like you’ve woken with a vengeance against the world. You’re happy these days, and if it’s because of him, I’m even happier.”

  If only she knew what had happened this morning.

  “Aw, thanks, Mum.” My eyes bulge, and as quick as I can, I rush out, “Mary. God, what the fuck was that? Mary. Mary.”

  Mum takes my hand and pins it to the table under hers. “Do you know how I said when I was ready I’d explain things?”

  I nod.

  “Seeing you happy with Nate makes me happy after all these years. I’ve stuffed up massively, but one of the biggest was the way I handled looking after you. Part of it just got too much for me.

  “I met your biological father one night at a party, and we went too far. I realised I was drunk and didn’t want to do anything more so I tried to stop, but he was so drunk he didn’t realise I was pushing away. My words were slurred, unrecognisable, my limbs like jelly. I probably looked like I was play-fighting him.

  “So, being the coward I was, I just lay there and cried silently and hoped it would be over. I was so young and not ready to be a parent. That’s why I taught you to call me Mary. I love you so much; always have. That mistake turned out to be one of the three joys in my life.

  “But it doesn’t matter what you call me. I am starting to show how I appreciate the people who love me, and I’ll always love you, Kalli. Always.”

  She leans over the table and kisses my forehead. “Don’t waste Nate. I wish I had someone like him when I was a teenager, to help me love you the way I should have.”

  And with that bombshell, she takes her remaining coffee and leaves.

  27

  Scout and I layer up our coats and head outside. It’s cold but not freezing, so it’s okay for a little walk since I haven’t been able to keep still all day long. All day long with Nate away and my unsaid words driving me insane, and a jealous monster in me wondering how many semi-naked or fully naked women he could see today. I’m sure he’s taking pleasure in his job. Old Kalli would have teased him and loved seeing his reaction, but this Kalli wants to draw a sheet between his eyes and the set and tell him to blindly hold up the camera, snap and hope for the best.

  My other distraction is no better.
I’ve found out who my father really was. He’s still a random, like I’ve always known, but that extra information makes me hurt for my mum.

  Needing the distraction, Scout and I head to a local park. There’s a wide gravel path that cuts through the middle and disappears at the end. Trees overhang from both sides, almost meeting above, and there are wide spaces between the trunks for the crazy children to run through.

  Being a Saturday it’s littered with kids and families, couples splayed over a blanket and rolled on top of each other, feathering kisses to one another.

  Stuff like that.

  I notice all that romancey stuff now, and instead of rolling my eyes, a feeling pinches in my gut, reminding me of my relationship status with Nate.

  “So tell me,” Scout says.

  We start talking about last night’s happenings for both of us and swear not to say anything to Steph or Nate about the other, although that’s a given facet of bestie trust.

  “It went from that good to fucked. Clearly, I’m not into Donovan. Nate should have given me the chance to explain.” I have to shake my head to bring my mind back to here, to us walking down the long path. “He should trust me!”

  “Naturally being in the position I am I don’t want to pick sides, but you both have points here.”

  “He does? Have a real case to be mad?”

  “I don’t think he’s mad, Kalli. You told me you’ve said you’re sorry, but I bet Donovan doesn’t directly come up in conversation between you much otherwise.”

  I shake my head, no.

  “What happened was a mistake, but it’s still a big kick to his confidence with you, in himself as a guy. It’s blatantly obvious Nate’s been pining over you for ages. I just think that shit at the party with you and Donovan cut him so deep he worries over nothing these days still. And—Kalli, I say this as your loving best friend—I can see his point. We know you’ve changed, but ways-of-life are hard to break, and he’s probably so used to you being impulsive and confident. In the shock he just froze up and instead worried about your motives for hiding your relationship.”

  “You know,” I start, pausing to watch the path pass under our feet as we stroll through the park, oblivious to other people, “I think we’re a dream sometimes. I have this nagging sense this is too good, and it has to be a dream.”