“Let me think about it Jeremy. I have to ask the boys and check on business after the holidays. I can't decide right now but I'm not saying no. Come let's dance.” She whisked him off to the dance floor and hoped that he would be satisfied with her answer for now. Jeremy was part of her life and never pressured her although she realized he wanted more from her; she was not sure what she wanted. It was important that she do things her own way with no interference and she was not sure she was ready for a relationship. Jebediah soured her on anything physical and she wondered if she could ever physically love anyone. She was frightened of the answer. What if I am destined to spend the rest of my life alone? How long would Jeremy wait for me without getting impatient? Can I love him completely? She knew she was fond of him and growing more reliant on his advice and opinions. Oh why couldn't I meet Jeremy first and never married that awful creature Jebediah? Do I forgive Father for what he did? Should I go and face him? Thoughts circled in her mind as Jeremy whirled her around the dance floor.
Christmas day was a wonderful day for all of them. Gifts of all kinds filled the room, the tree sparkled in the corner and good food and drink were plentiful. Martha never saw the boys laugh and smile as much and she was grateful. This was her greatest gift. Jeremy, Austin and Loretta were with her and life was wonderful. Phillip and Agatha joined them for the evening and completed the family picture. Martha remembered the somber and sullen Christmas of the year before. Jebediah reading scriptures and the boys holding their gift, a bound bible in their disappointed hands. Jebediah had not given her anything but she didn't expect him too. She was sad for the boys. Jebediah never thought of their emotional well-being and she was sure that the bibles were just for show. She was not convinced even then that he was sincere in his religious beliefs. She had knitted each of the boys a scarf and mittens having saved wool from the sweaters she had made them earlier in the winter. Jedebiah gave her a suspicious look when she produced the gifts on Christmas morning. You were a monster, Jebediah Whittaker. Yes this year was different. Martha raised her hand to adjust one of the ornaments on the tree, admiring the lovely sapphire bracelet on her wrist, which Jeremy gave her. Everything was definitely different now and she would make sure her family never wanted for anything again. She thanked God for this wonderful family and for bringing her through the past two years. Much had happened to her since she left England and she was questioning whether Jeremy was right. Is it time to return and face my demons? Perhaps I need to go back and get closure with Father before I can move on. She wanted to see Aunt Phoebe, Emma and Clyde again. She wandered to the window and watched the moon's reflection on the white snow. Ice sparkled on the trees and it reminded her of another magical winter evening when her life was so simple.
The holidays ended and life returned to normal in St. Louis. Martha was visiting with Agatha when the older woman asked her a very personal question. “Martha, my dear, I know that you don't like to talk about your husband but Ezekiel told Phillip some very disturbing things and I really want you to talk to me. You know I will respect your confidence. I love you like my own daughter, please let me help.” She took Martha's hand and looked lovingly into her eyes.
Martha was shaken to her very core.
“What did Ezekiel say?” her voice trembled as she stared at the older woman.
“He told Phillip that your husband locked you and Abraham in a shed and that he beat you both very badly. Please Martha what happened to you?” Agatha was near tears and Martha knew that if there was anyone she could tell about her past, it was Agatha. After all she had done for her, Martha decided her friend deserved to know the truth. The death of Margaret and the others had brought her memories of Wyoming to the forefront and perhaps talking about that time would help ease the pain.
“I will tell you from the beginning, but it is not a pretty story.” Taking a deep breath, Martha began with England and the arranged marriage. She told Agatha of the sea voyage, the wagon train and Wyoming. Agatha sat listening quietly holding Martha's hand. She reached up to stroke Martha's hair and Martha paused in her story. She leaned her head into Agatha's hand and her mind was filled with a flood of remembrance of another time and another gentle hand on her hair. Her mother had always stroked her hair when she was upset. How comfortable, safe and loved she felt at that moment. Martha looked lovingly at Agatha and continued. When the story was done, the older woman's eyes were filled with tears.
“Oh my dear, I had no idea. Now I understand why you do not want a man in your life. Go back to England and put the ghosts to bed my dear. Thank you for telling me.”
“I really don't think I could ever love any man completely after what Jebediah did to me. It is not that I don't want someone to love me.” Martha feeling as if some of the weight had been lifted, just by speaking the words out loud, hugged her friend. She was very grateful to Agatha.
Agatha looked at her with such understanding as a sudden sadness fell over her face. “I understand better than you could know my dear. One day I will tell you my story.”
The talk with Agatha helped her put things in perspective. Martha, after many anxious nights, made her decision.
“Now remember to listen to Austin and Loretta and keep that dog in check Abraham. Isaac no guns in the house while they are staying here and Ezekiel, do not track snow all over the floor. Loretta is expecting a baby and won't be able to mop the floor all the time.” Martha looked at her family, how tall they were, how proud she was of them. “Oh come here and let me hug you. I'm going to miss you terribly.” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she thought of being away from them for two months. The trip would take three weeks each way because of the winter weather and she and Jeremy would be staying in England for two weeks. Now that it was time to leave, she didn't want to go. Jeremy looked at his watch and announced they must be going.
“Oh Mama, stop crying. We are all grown up now and we'll be fine. You know we'll take care of Loretta and Austin and Grandmam and Grandpap for you.” Ezekiel, always the little man, squeezed Martha's hand and gave her a reassuring look.
“Now Martha don't forget to bring all of those new design ideas back from Paris. We'll all be fine here. Now off you go.” Loretta straightened Martha's hat and gave her a big hug. The other boys embraced her and shook Jeremy's hand.
After the tearful goodbyes, Jeremy and Martha departed for England. Martha had decided to travel to Paris to see Charles Worth while she was away. She could see the new designs for herself and Jeremy had business in England that would keep him busy. Now that they were on the way she was excited about the prospects. The time away with Jeremy would give her a chance to assess her feelings without the boys or the business to distract her.
They boarded the ship and found their adjoining cabins. Martha was surprised to find this cabin fully equipped with fine furnishings and a very comfortable bed. Just the interior of the cabin seemed to assure her that this trip would be much different than the first one. Cases were unpacked and they went to the dining room for dinner. She did her best not to think of the other fateful crossing. Martha and Jeremy had not spent many hours totally alone and both of them were a little uncomfortable at the new arrangement. Talking helped her overcome her nervousness. She told Jeremy of the frightening experience she had while cooking on the deck of the Salvation. He assured her that this ship could handle any inclement weather with ease. Martha felt like a shy schoolgirl and giggled when her wine glass was empty. The glass was refilled immediately and the evening progressed well. An excellent meal of poached salmon and new potatoes with a Cherries Jubilee for desert was followed by several glasses of wine and dancing. Unaccustomed to drinking more that one glass, Martha started to relax after the third glass of wine and Jeremy was thoroughly enjoying himself. They returned to their cabins and Jeremy kissed Martha good night. Slightly inebriated, she clung to him wantonly as he opened her cabin door. This was not the way Jeremy wanted Martha for the first time. She could barely stand on her own. She giggled uncontrollably as he helped her to h
er bed. Jeremy's last words echoed like an unintelligible murmur as the walls of the cabin seemed to swirl. Fully clothed, she rolled over and fell fast asleep. Back in his cabin, Jeremy lie awake for several hours. Physically he wanted Martha more than he could bear but he wanted her to come to him willingly and sober. He felt the heat in his body as he thought of her next to him. He knew some of what she had been through with Jebediah and wanted their first coupling to be loving and gentle. He loved her and wanted her to love him in every way. He would wait.
Sunlight streamed into the cabin, finding Martha with an aching head and an unquenchable thirst. She was surprised to find herself fully dressed and not remembering much of the previous evening. The fact that she was alone and dressed reassured her that she had not done anything inappropriate. She would restrict herself to one glass of wine from now on. She picked up her brush and removed the pins from her hair. After drinking insatiably from the pitcher beside the bed, she continued her routine of one hundred strokes of the hairbrush before changing her clothes and leaving cabin.
Finding Jeremy on deck and seeing his welcoming smile, she forgot her embarrassment immediately. The rest of the voyage was uneventful. Several nights the temperatures dropped and it was impossible to go on deck. The crew entertained the passengers with dances, games and talent shows. Martha and Jeremy arrived relaxed and happy in Liverpool.
Martha did not notify her father of her travel plans. It was her intention to see Aunt Phoebe first. Jeremy and Martha traveled to London where Jeremy's business contacts were. The city felt familiar and comfortable to Martha. She had not realized how much she had missed England. Leaving Jeremy in town, Martha traveled by coach and arrived at Phoebe's unannounced.
“Miss McGuire, how lovely to see you. I'll tell Mrs. Hunter that you are here.” The reserved butler admitted Martha and went to find Phoebe. Martha had spent many happy times here, as a child and the butler did not seem surprised to see her. He announced her arrival to a very surprised Phoebe. Martha stood in the hallway, admiring the lovely antiques that decorated the entrance hall. Phoebe's home was not a large as Graystone but was most impressively decorated. Martha had always felt very comfortable here.
“I don't believe my eyes. Martha at last.” Phoebe rushed to Martha and took her niece in her arms. “Thank God you are back, does your father know?”
“No he doesn't but I'll see him soon. How are you dearest Auntie?” Martha clung to Phoebe, happy to be back. Phoebe ushered Martha into the elegantly decorated parlor and tea was summoned. Martha started to feel like her old self again. It was good to be here with her Aunt. The two sat on the settee, holding hands and chatting. Getting reacquainted, Martha told of her life over the past two years. Phoebe was shocked at some of the things Martha told her. She felt such pity for what her niece had endured. However, Martha looked lovely and happy now. Phoebe was glad that Martha had friends like Loretta and Agatha. She was overjoyed to hear that things had improved greatly in Martha's life and was curious if there was a man in the picture. Phoebe knew better than to ask too many questions. She would wait for Martha to offer the information. Arrangements were made for Max, Phoebe, Jeremy and Martha to go out for dinner and the theater. The every observant Phoebe could see that Jeremy was more than a little enamored with her niece. Martha was a little harder to read however. Considering what that monster had put her through, it was no wonder she was being cautious. Max and Jeremy caught up on business news and the evening was most enjoyable. Phoebe agreed to accompany Martha to Paris in a few days to see the French couturier. When they returned, Jeremy and Martha would travel to Northumberland to see John McGuire and visit Jeremy's home, Pheasant Run.
The two women traveled to Paris accompanied by Phoebe's maid. She felt like her old self again; surrounded by the things she was familiar with. Martha was in awe with the beauty of the French city. She loved everything about it-the buildings, the food, the people and especially the fashions.
On the third day of their trip, Martha wrote a letter to her family from Paris:
Paris is the city of dreams, my darlings. The Musee du Louvre is a most impressive structure with the Tuileries Gardens at the far end. The city is like the spokes of a wheel, all streets running off of the center hub. The museums and art galleries are marvelous and you Ezekiel must come here one day. One of my favorite sights is the iron bridge, The Pont des Arts, which offers a magnificent view of the Paris riverfront and the Seine River. I have met with my former designer, Mr. Charles Worth and gained a great deal of knowledge on designs and fabrics. The fashion industry is booming in Paris and I feel that the visit was a good one. Phoebe and I are enjoying the French culture, delicious wines and the rich and creamy food; we eat in quaint sidewalk cafes. I am happy to be returning to England although I hesitate to return to Northumberland. However, I must see my father, your step grandfather and settle some issues with him. Your Uncle Jeremy is conducting his business in London and sends his love to all of you. I'll be home soon; I trust you are behaving for Austin and Loretta. I miss you terribly and I send you my love. Martha, your loving Mother.
The visit to Paris confirmed to her the necessity of this trip. She returned revived, inspired and braced to meet her father once again. After tearful goodbyes, Jeremy and Martha left London by rail and headed north. Martha was nervous about meeting her father. She desperately hoped she had forgiven him in her heart as well as her mind.
Chapter Twenty- two- Martha and John
Jeremy and Martha arrived at Graystone just before dusk. The gray cloudy sky cast a dark foreboding over the mansion. She found it strange that it no longer felt like home to her as it once did. As they reached the bottom of the stairs Martha hesitated, her feet wanting to turn and walk away. Jeremy knew that Martha was nervous and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, urging her up the stairs. She gave him a quick nervous glance, took a deep breath and opened the door. The rotund Emma was cleaning the hall and gasped at the sight of Martha. Martha rushed to her arms and felt instantly at home. John McGuire walked unaware from his study and stared in shock at his daughter and housekeeper locked in an affectionate embrace.
“Martha, so you have come home after all.” John approached cautiously unsure of the reception his daughter would give him. “Jeremy, nice to see you again.”
Jeremy shook hands with John and walked into the great room followed by Emma. “Would you like brandy sir?” Without waiting for an answer, Emma scurried off leaving Jeremy to seat himself. John and Martha stood alone in the hall. The two stood staring at each other, neither of them wanting to speak first. Martha removed her cape and stiffly dropped it on the bench. She wandered over to the mirror and smoothed her hair more for comfort than necessity.
“I'm here for a short visit Father, I intend to return to my home in St. Louis. You are looking well.” Martha chose her words carefully, still unsure of her feelings. She adjusted her skirt nervously.
“Please come and sit and we can talk. It is so wonderful to see you again. You will never know what I have gone through while you were away.” John turned to walk away but stopped dead in his tracks at Martha's next words.
“What you have gone through!” shouted Martha, becoming very irate. “Do you have any idea what you and your arranged marriage did to me? Do you father?” Martha paused to take a breath and resumed her shouting; all of the past tensions coming to the surface. The pent up anger of the past escaped from her like a caged animal. “I was dragged across the ocean, beaten, raped and belittled. Then stuck in a bumpy, dirty wagon and taken over hundreds of tortuous dusty miles to a God forsaken place of ice and snow and more abuse. My belongings were intentionally left behind in the east and I had nothing but patched rags to wear. I lived in fear for my life; my dearest friend and her baby killed by savage Indians. I'm so sorry that you suffered Father, so very sorry.” Sarcastically, she spat her words in his face. Martha started to cry and all of the repressed emotions surfaced. Jeremy overhead the conversation and wanting desperately to go to he
r, held his place. She needed to do this on her own. John remained silent knowing he deserved every harsh word she spoke. His eyes were downcast and his shoulders hunched as he waited like an accused man for his sentence. “My sadistic husband was shot to death and he deserved it. Do you know why Father, because Jebediah killed his first wife. He beat her and threw her down the stairs and I was next Father, oh yes I was next. You sold me in a land deal, you bloody selfish old fool, you traded me for land and I'm supposed to feel sorry for you. I don't know why I let Jeremy talk me into coming back.” With that Martha, red faced and shaking lost all of her strength and crumbled to her knees. John ran to her side. Face wet with tears, he put his arms around her and begged her forgiveness over and over. The sobbing pair stayed that way for a long time. Father rocking his daughter in his arms.
“Please Martha, come into the great room and let us have some tea and talk. I'm so sorry for what happened to you, I pray every day that you could forgive me. Please Martha, please I had no idea what kind of a man he was.” John helped Martha to her feet and walked slowly into the great room with his shattered daughter on his arm. She ran to Jeremy, weeping against his shoulder. John sank into his chair and rested his head in his hands. Jeremy tried to console Martha; his heart was breaking for father and daughter. He knew that this confrontation had taken a lot out of both of them but it was necessary. Now perhaps they could start fresh.
Eventually, over the next few days, Martha and John came to terms with their situation and John asked for forgiveness one more time. This time Martha forgave him and told him she loved him. It was a relief for both of them and their relationship although still strained, was back on track. Martha spent time with Emma, telling her how she had sold her pies in Wyoming. She told Emma how she loved St. Louis and the dress designing. Emma could see that Martha had matured greatly since she left Graystone. She was happy that everything had turned out so well for this wonderful woman that she had raised as if she were her own. Clyde was fascinated with stories of the wagon train and life in Wyoming. Martha was careful to leave out the more disturbing personal details. John agreed to travel to St. Louis within the year and visit the family in their new home.
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