Dreams and Nightmares

by Shirley A. Roe

  “One more surprise Martha.” Jeremy walked to the door of the hall and when he opened it, there stood John McGuire. An older, grayer but still handsome John, dressed in country tweed entered the hall and walked to embrace his daughter.

  “Happy Birthday, my dearest.” John hugged his daughter and smiled at her.

  “Father, oh how wonderful. Jeremy how did you arrange it?” she kissed her father's cheek and then hugged her husband. “This is the best birthday ever.”

  The evening continued with great jubilation. Phillip was anxious to hear everything about the gold fields in California. He had been fascinated with the west and although he only made the one trip with Isaac, he was always keen to hear what Isaac had experienced. Isaac, exuberant and elated with his travels was happy to oblige. Agatha listened with great interest as John McGuire talked of England.

  The party ended in the early hours of the morning and the tired family retired with smiles on their faces and bellies warmed with champagne. Jeremy carried the sleeping Anna up to bed. Martha was about to climb the staircase and join her husband when a sharp pain doubled her over. She was perspiring and several more pains stabbed her abdomen. She clutched her stomach, thinking that she felt something warm between her legs she squeezed her thighs together. Oh no, not the baby, please not the baby. Another pain, her head swirling, she collapsed to the floor and Isaac, the last to retire, found her there.

  “No, mother no,” he screamed, reliving his own mother's death at the bottom of the stairs years before. He ran to Martha and lifted her head in his arms. Jeremy appeared above and quickly rushed to Martha's side. After a few terrifying minutes, Martha opened her eyes.

  “I'm alright, I just had a sharp pain. I'm sure it is just the excitement.” Martha was trying to reassure herself as well. “Isaac are you all right, you are white as a ghost? Jeremy just help me to bed and I'll be fine, but I think Isaac needs a stiff shot of brandy.” Martha, with Jeremy's assistance climbed the stairs and entered her bedroom. She sent Jeremy to Isaac realizing what a shock it must have been for him to see her at the bottom of the stairs. She knew it would bring back all of the unpleasant memories of his own mother's death. As she prepared for bed, she saw the blood and knew that she had lost her child. She cleaned herself up, slipped into her satin nightgown and climbed in bed to wait for her husband. She would have to tell him and although in her heart she had not been excited about the pregnancy, she knew that Jeremy would be very disappointed. She reached up twirling a lock of hair in her fingers as she waited. Her concern was in disappointing the man she loved more than in losing the child.

  “Isaac has gone to bed, he's fine. Now how is my wife?” Jeremy kissed her forehead and prepared for bed. She looked at him with love and sympathy in her eyes. She took his hand.

  “I'm afraid I have lost our child Jeremy.” Martha spoke softly and watched Jeremy's reaction.

  “But when, what happened? Are you all right? Do you need the doctor?” Jeremy stammered as he pulled Martha close.

  “I'll see the doctor in the morning and I'm afraid that is why I was in pain this evening. I'm so sorry Jeremy, I know you so wanted another child of your own.” Martha began to cry but Jeremy quickly reassured her. He let her know that she was all he needed and he would be going for the doctor first thing in the morning. Together they held each other and cried. Jeremy for their lost child and Martha for the guilt she was feeling at having been so selfish. Jeremy gave her the world and she had not wanted to give him the one thing he really wanted-another child.

  The next morning the doctor confirmed that Martha had lost her baby and would require bed rest for a few days. She was very depressed and guilt ridden. Jeremy was sad but accepting. He sat and talked to Martha, trying to reassure her that it was nothing that she did that caused the miscarriage. As usual, he was patient and supportive. Martha was very thankful for her husband but his support made her feel worse. How could I have been so selfish?

  This wonderful man would do anything for her. She put on a smiling face for Jeremy, but cried when he left the room. People came to visit expressing their condolences. Loretta took over the shop and kept Martha informed with daily visits. “Once you have recovered you can try again. You will have many chances to have more children Martha.” Loretta assured her. Martha could not admit that she did not want any more children, to her friend who she knew would have given anything to have one. She was more open with Agatha who never judged her. Her older friend understood how she felt and assured her that she would feel better in time. Agatha reassured her that life was perfect as it was.

  Isaac sat with her and talked of his own mother for hours. This was the first time he had ever discussed Alicia with her. It seemed that finding Martha at the bottom of the stairs had been a breakthrough for Isaac. She felt that a wall had finally been torn down between them. He was so worried about her that he refused to leave until Jeremy came home to sit with her.

  “I wish Annabelle were here. She would take care of you. I miss her terribly Martha. I understand why she left. I'm away so much and she knew that I love the west and that way of life. You have heard me speak of Independence Rock. Well, the first time I passed it, I carved our initials in that rock. I wanted to be able to show our children someday.” Isaac paused a far away look on his face. “ She would never ask me to give it up but I loved her so much and I wish she were here. It has been almost a year since she left.” Isaac stared out the window, lost in his own thoughts and Martha's heart went out to this lonely man. Will he ever find true happiness?

  The family slowly returned to their consecutive schools or jobs and John returned to England after only a three-week visit. Martha was up and around and feeling much better physically, however she was suffering a mild depression after the miscarriage. Her feelings of guilt over not wanting the child made her wonder if she was responsible somehow. She loved Jeremy and wanted to give him anything he desired. She knew she would have loved this child and been happy once it was born and was now feeling a deep loss. She also knew that deep in her heart she would do things differently if she got pregnant again. Loretta was taking care of the dress shop and Minnie still cared for the three youngsters after school, giving Martha too much time on her hands. Even the Carruthers were not around to support her as they always did. Agatha and Phillip had traveled to Europe for three months. She found herself crying for no reason and her moods fluctuated erratically. She was worried about Isaac, who had returned to the wagon train and was somewhere in the Dakotas. He was so lonely without Annabelle. She would inquire as to Annabelle's whereabouts from Ellen and perhaps she would go and visit her. She knew that Annabelle was married but she wanted to make sure she was happy and settled; perhaps she was wishing she had waited for Isaac after all. Martha knew how terrible it could be to be married to the wrong man. She hoped that Annabelle's situation was a good one. Isaac would just have to find someone else if that was the case. Besides she needed a distraction to fight this depression and get her back on track.

  Martha was dressed and ready to go to the dress shop. She was fastening her hat to her thick upturned hair, when the doorknocker sounded. None of the servants were in the area so Martha opened the door herself. There, as if by some miracle, stood Annabelle. Martha pulled the tiny woman into her arms and looking at Annabelle realized that she had been crying.

  “Annabelle, dearest, what is wrong? Come in, it is so strange that you are here. I was about to ask Ellen for your address and I was even planning a visit. Please come and sit down and tell me what is wrong.” Martha ushered Annabelle into the sitting room and sent for tea. She held the young woman's tiny hand in her own and waited.

  “I'm sorry to bother you Mrs. Whittaker, Martha, but I had no one else to turn to. My husband, Allen Baker was killed in a terrible accident. He was working in the blacksmith shop and he was kicked by a horse. He hit his head on the anvil and died immediately. I'm so afraid. We had so little money and now he is gone. What will I do?” Annabelle started sobbing
and Martha comforted her as best she could.

  “Well you know you can come back to work for me. You were my best seamstress and I would be happy to have you back. Now stop crying and drink your tea.” Martha considered the problem solved and was selfishly thinking how happy Isaac would be when he returned.

  “There is something else, I have a child. A baby boy, he is with Ellen at the dress shop. I thought you would be there but when I found that you were not, I left the baby with her. I have a child to care for now and we need a place to live. My mother's house is full to capacity and there is no room for us there.”

  “A child, how wonderful. Not a problem, we have our own nanny, Minnie Wells and she loves little ones. Anna, David and Abby are all older now and not as much trouble. I'm sure she will watch the baby while you work. What a terrible shame for the child to lose its father so soon after it was born. Annabelle I'm so sorry, please let me help you. First we'll talk to Minnie, shall we go and ask her?” Martha had the situation in hand and was feeling happier to be helping someone else. She forgot her own depression and took Annabelle to Minnie. As expected Minnie, much older but still healthy was more than willing to care for the baby and offered to start the next day. Martha and Annabelle returned to the dress shop where Ellen, May and the others were busy goo-goooing at the baby. Annabelle lifted the tiny boy from the carriage, hesitated for just a moment as a worried look crossed her face and then handed him to the waiting Martha. Martha looked into his little face, feeling the soft warmth of the tiny baby. It felt good to hold a baby again. She felt a stabbing pain in her chest remembering the child she had lost. She removed his bonnet and studied his face and although the baby was chubby, immediately recognized the black hair, sharp tiny features and deep-set dark eyes of Isaac and Jebediah. Oh dear Lord. Annabelle watched Martha's expression and knew that her secret was exposed. She had been pregnant when she left to marry Allen. Isaac was the love of her life but she knew a child and a wife were the last thing the carefree Isaac needed. Allen Baker had proposed to her several times and would not take no for an answer. They married and left town, the baby Thomas was born seven months later.

  Chapter Twenty-six- Isaac and Annabelle

  Jeremy was in India on business and Martha was busy with the shop. Annabelle was back to work and she and Thomas now occupied a room in Jeremy and Martha's house. Isaac was expected back any day. The discussions continued between the two women with Martha trying to convince Annabelle to tell him of Thomas’ paternity.

  “But he doesn't want a wife and a child. He wants to travel with the wagon trains. It is best that he doesn't know.” Annabelle was determined that she would not be a burden to Isaac.

  “All he has to do is take one look at Thomas and he will know. Now you are fine here with Jeremy and I, and Isaac can continue with his job if he wants to. Arthur Langley has been wagon master for years and Isabel and Loretta managed quite well.” Martha could see she was making a convincing argument and pushed on. “ I know you will be lonely for him but it solves all of your problems. One day he will get tired of it and settle down.” Martha did her best to convince the tiny woman while the chubby baby squirmed in her arms. She was very fond of this little fellow and had no intention of letting him or Annabelle leave. Thomas seemed to fill the void left by her miscarriage and even Jeremy was happy to have a baby in the house. Jeremy too had commented on the similarity between Isaac and Thomas. Martha and he both felt that Isaac should be told, but Jeremy was more sympathetic to Annabelle's situation. The decision had to be hers and he constantly reminded Martha of that fact. It had become one of the few disagreements they had over the years and now they avoided discussing it completely. Now with her husband so far away, Martha wanted to take back every wasted minute that they had spent arguing. She reluctantly decided to put her arguments to rest after this one last attempt.

  “I'll think about it. But please understand, I'm very grateful for all you have done for me but I must make my own decision. Thomas’ future depends on me and I'll not be influenced.” Annabelle was very grateful for all that Martha had done, but she found her overbearing at times. “I love you Martha and I know you love Isaac as much as I do. Just please, let me handle this my way. It might be best if Isaac continues to think of Thomas as Allen's baby.” The self-reliant Annabelle, who was very much like Martha in her own way, was not going to be swayed. She would take as much time as necessary to make her decision where Isaac and Thomas were concerned.

  Several days later, Annabelle who was still wrestling with her decision, ran out of time.

  “Martha, I'm back. Martha?” Isaac, dusty and weary from the trail, strolled on long lean legs into the hall calling for Martha. He stopped dead in his tracks when Annabelle appeared at the top of the stairs. “Annabelle?”

  “Hello Isaac, yes it is I. You're not dreaming.” Annabelle knew she must make a decision now.

  “But what are you doing here. Where is Allen?” Isaac was happy to see Annabelle but very confused.

  “I'm afraid Allen has had a terrible accident. He is dead.” Annabelle descended the stairs and approached Isaac. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her palms were sweaty. Just the sight of Isaac made her heart beat quickly. How she loved this man but could she tell him?

  “Dead? But what happened and why are you here?” He looked into her eyes, how he had missed her. “ Not that I'm not overjoyed to see you.” Isaac reached out and shyly took her hand concern and confusion showing on his face.

  “Your mother was kind enough to give me my job back and let me stay here for the time being. I'm happy to see you as well.” Self-consciously, she pulled her hand away gently.

  “Come let's sit on the settee and you can tell me what happened. I am so sorry about Allen.” Isaac dropped his dusty hat on the bench and placed his hand on her elbow urging her forward. He led her into the sitting room and could not take his eyes off of her. He was saddened to hear that Allen was dead but at the same time he was overjoyed to have her back in St. Louis. Isaac and Allen had been friends and Isaac, although heart broken, wished the couple well. He knew that Allen could offer Annabelle everything that he could not. Annabelle's happiness meant more to Isaac than anything else and if another man could give her everything she wanted, then he could not stand in her way. After an hour of explanations the two heard Martha shouting a greeting in the front hall. Seeing Isaac and Annabelle together, her heart leapt into her throat. A silencing glance from Annabelle told her that he did not know about Thomas. Annabelle excused herself and went to see to her napping son. Martha and Isaac embraced and caught up on their news. A few minutes later Annabelle entered the room carrying Thomas.

  “A baby? Annabelle you have a baby? But it must be a newborn.” Isaac approached the mother and child, stunned but curious. Annabelle, looked sideways at Martha, took a deep breath and handed the baby to Isaac. “But I'm all dusty and dirty, maybe I better not.” Isaac's arms remained at his side. But Annabelle pressed the child to him. Isaac cautiously took the child at Annabelle's insistence. He felt clumsy holding the baby, as if he expected it to break apart in his grasp. He looked down at the tiny face and realized that this child was not a newborn but a few months old. He slowly took in the color of the dark locks and the set of the jaw. Dark eyes stared into dark eyes as realization dawned. A huge lump formed in his throat. But how could this be possible? Did he dare ask? With tears in his eyes he looked up anxiously at Annabelle. “Is he? Is he mine?”

  “Yes Isaac, this is your son Thomas. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you before but I didn't want to be a burden to you.” Annabelle, tears on her cheeks searched Isaac's face for a sign. “I love you Isaac. I have loved you since I was a child. Please don't be angry with me.” Martha, who had moved away, stood in front of the large window hugging her arms tightly. She was crying and holding her breath waiting for his reaction.

  “Hello Thomas, my son.” Isaac smiled widely and turned to Martha. “Grandma Martha this is Thomas, my son……my son,” re
peating the word son as the meaning settled in his heart. He was happier than Martha had ever seen him and he beamed with pride. “Oh, Annabelle, my darling little Annabelle. Come here we must be married right away. You have made me the happiest man alive.” Isaac reached for Annabelle with his free hand pulling her to him.

  Annabelle put her arms around the tiny boy and his father and smiled at Martha. Martha let the tears of happiness flow from her eyes as she watched Isaac's dreams come true. Finally he was truly happy and all because of the impish, tiny Annabelle and a beautiful baby boy born of true and lasting love. “We can't be married right away Isaac, because you have not asked me yet.” Annabelle teased Isaac and kissed his cheek. “What about the wagon trains, when do you have to leave again?” Annabelle looked questioningly at her man and saw love and happiness on his face. “Thomas and I will not hold you back, I promise you that.”

  “I'm not going anywhere for a long time. I have a family to take care of and a wedding to plan. Right Martha?” Annabelle started to protest but he silenced her with a kiss. “Would it be alright if my family stayed here with you until we find a flat?” Isaac was taking charge of the situation and enjoying every minute of it.

  “Absolutely Isaac, you and your family will always be welcome in this house.” Her hand rose to her hair and pushing a stray lock behind her ear, Martha acknowledged her delight at the news. How she wished Jeremy was here to see this moment. Selfishly she was happy that the friction between her and Jeremy was over now that Isaac knew. Martha missed her husband greatly over the next few days wanting to share this happy family event with him. Everything was better when she could share it with her husband.

  Isaac and Annabelle were married the following month in a small church ceremony with Annabelle's parents, nine brothers and sisters, the Wells family, Jeremy and Martha all in attendance. Ezekiel came home from college and only Abraham was not in the pews. He was on a medical missionary trip to Louisiana but would be home in a few weeks. Martha made a beautiful dress for Annabelle and Isaac's face lit up at the sight of her. Anna was the flower girl in a tiny designer gown of rose pink, covered with tiny ribbon roses. Abby, in purple was the bridesmaid and Annabelle's sister Ellen the maid of honor. Ezekiel stood proudly beside his brother as best man. Minnie held the tiny Thomas who howled during the service to let everyone know that he was there. Martha thought back to Wyoming and how far she had come. Isaac was once her enemy and now she loved him more than life itself as she did all of the boys. Annabelle would make a wonderful daughter-in-law and had already given Martha her first grandchild. She stroked her hair thinking that soon there would be gray strands amongst the chestnut. Just wait until Agatha hears that I am a grandmother. Tears pooled in her eyes as she watched her eldest son on the happiest day of his life.