Rivers

by S. L. Scott

  Let’s face it. I have a billion questions for him, including if he gets the wish he says he wants—me—how do I fit into his new life?

  I guess it remains to be seen. We have three days together before he leaves. I don’t want to waste any time overthinking this, or us.

  “Steaks?” Meadow points at the butcher counter. “Guys love steaks.”

  “I do too, but we can’t afford the good cuts. How about burgers and hot dogs?”

  Excitement strikes. “Burgers and jalapeno poppers. I’ll make the poppers. We need to get the Deep Eddy Vodka and mixers too.”

  “Grapefruit vodka is on the list.” We wrap up our grocery shopping. Right before we reach the car, I say, “Oops. Forgot the Blue Bell. You go to the car and I’ll run back in.”

  “’Kay.”

  I didn’t forget the ice cream, though I did use it as my excuse. I rush through the store grabbing what I need and a half-gallon of vanilla ice cream and head for the checkout. Outside, she’s waiting in her car for me in the front. We’re quicker at the liquor store, and then we’re on the way over to the house.

  I’m trying to keep it casual with my sister. She is easily excitable when it comes to Rivers and me, and I not only don’t want to set her up for disappointment if nothing comes of us, but I also don’t want the pressure or innuendoes tonight. I just want to have a fun and relaxing time.

  As for her and Ridge, hell yeah, I’m going to tease. “You said Ridge texted you?”

  “We texted back and forth yesterday,” she replies with a shrug. “I guess when you asked me about today, Rivers had asked him. Ridge texted to ask if I was coming over.”

  “And?”

  “And what?” She glances over at me. “I’m coming over. Oh and he said he’d bring the beer.”

  “Nothing else? What did you text about yesterday?”

  “You really need to get out more if living vicariously through me is your idea of excitement these days.”

  Opportunity falls right in my lap, and I smile. I could tell her about my time with Rivers, but it might be more fun to keep the secret a little longer. She parks out front, and Rivers comes out before I have a chance to get out of the car. “Hey Meadow,” he says, taking her by the shoulders and kissing her cheek. “How’s my little sis doing?”

  “So Hollywood of you, Crow,” she teases but also blushes.

  He replies. “Too much?” He winks at me. I think it’s the too much bit, but I’ll happily take that wink and send him a wry grin in return.

  “I’m going to start kissing everyone on the cheek. I’ll start with Ridge.” Meadow laughs and pops the trunk. “All good here. And you?”

  “Go on in. I’ll grab the bags. Ridge is out back.”

  I shut my door while he comes around. Looking back at the house, he seems satisfied and says, “I have something special for you.”

  “Oh yeah? What is it?”

  Cupping my face, he says, “Hello,” then kisses me the way I used to long to be kissed.

  Although I’m weak in the knees, I manage not to melt into a puddle of goo at his feet. “Hello.”

  “How are you, Stella Lilith?” he asks with such genuine kindness that he elicits my smile.

  “I always loved when you called me that.”

  “I always loved calling you that.” We move around to the trunk, and he starts pulling the grocery bags out of the car. “Glad you came over.”

  “Me too. Meadow and I thought we’d get the food together, and you and Ridge could grill.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  We walk inside, and I spy Meadow hanging out in the backyard with Ridge. Now’s the time. Reaching into the bag, I hide the box behind my back. “I have something special for you too.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  Revealing my surprise, I hold it between us, and whisper, “I bought condoms.” He laughs so heartily that I check that Meadow and Ridge aren’t coming inside. “Shhh. They’ll hear us.”

  Looking over my shoulder and out the window, he says, “They’re too caught up in each other to care what we’re doing in here.” Taking the box from me, he smiles to himself. “Come here.”

  I follow him into the bedroom but wait just inside the room. He opens the nightstand drawer and pulls out a matching box. “Great minds think alike.” I laugh this time, so loud that I cover my mouth. We walk back into the kitchen, and as he digs into a grocery bag, he adds, “I like this side of you.”

  “The horny side?”

  Tapping my nose, he says, “Definitely that side, but the carefree side. It’s only been a few days, but you’ve really opened yourself up for me. This is the real you, the you I knew. It’s great to see you comfortable in your own skin.”

  My defenses would usually fly up, but I know what he means, and I agree. “I feel relaxed with you.”

  Taking me by the hips, he wiggles me back and forth. He peeks out the window and then pulls me to him. With my middle pressed to his, he says, “Since I’m making confessions, I’ve slapped jack a few times to the naughty teacher image in my head.”

  I laugh. “I’m not sure if I should be offended because I’m not. I like that you’ve done dirty things while thinking about me.”

  “It’s not the first time.” He smirks. “It definitely won’t be the last.” Taking a step back from me, he pulls out the burger buns and says, “Medium well from what I remember,” just as the back door opens, and Meadow and Ridge come inside.

  I pull back, leaning against the counter. “Ready for a cocktail?”

  Meadow holds up her can of Honey Pils. “Did you know Robert Earl Keen makes beer?”

  “The musician?” I ask.

  “Yep. It’s so good.”

  Meadow’s not much of a beer girl, but since Ridge offered, she’s drinking. Turning to Rivers, I ask, “Mind if I make a drink?”

  “Make yourself at home.”

  It’s funny because when I think about the time we’ve spent together since he’s been back, I have felt at home. I’ve found myself thinking about him while at school and alone in my car while driving. I get a little fluttering of butterflies when I know I’m going to see him and find it hard to resist that charming smile. Meadow was right. I was holding on to the past to protect me from getting hurt again. But with Rivers, I feel more myself again. So even though I’m at Jet’s house, I do feel at home because it has nothing to do with where I’m located but everything to do with him.

  19

  Stella

  Watching Rivers and Ridge play is incredible. Sitting under the stars and listening to the songs they’ve written, the tunes they created, that they now play their guitars to in a private backyard concert has me remembering how much I always loved watching him perform.

  His eyes find mine between the verses and mixed in the melody. I love the way the veins in his arms match the music in their rhythm. His fingers manipulate the instrument he was born to play. Between the notes that beat like my heart, striking chords deep inside, I realize that he wouldn’t be where he is without sacrificing who we were.

  Cause and effect.

  Destiny.

  Fate.

  Sacrifices have to be made. They’re a side effect of the dues that have to be paid on the road to fame. He’s doing what he was meant to do. It’s hard to stay angry when I recognize the role I played in making the journey to his dreams coming true.

  The charcoal has burned out, and we’ve eaten plenty. I finished my third drink long enough for the ice that was left behind to melt in the unseasonably warm night. Meadow gets up to go inside but asks if anyone needs anything. Ridge sets his guitar down and stands, “I’ll go with you.”

  Rivers’s hand flattens against the strings, the music ended. He leans forward, and whispers, “Can you stay the night?”

  “What will I tell Meadow?”

  “The truth?”

  I laugh. “That would be wise, but are we ready to let others in on this little secret?”

  “Doesn’t feel
little to me. You’re all I think about, Stella.”

  “Rivers . . .” I don’t know what I want to say other than his words warm me on the inside and heat my skin even more than I already am.

  “Don’t do that. Don’t close yourself off to the possibility.”

  “I’m not so carefree if I start caring about tomorrow.”

  He sets his guitar down in a lawn chair next to him and gets up. Standing in front of me, he holds out his hand in offering. I take it and stand, stepping into his space. While our feet straddle each other’s, he raises one hand into the air as his other settles on my hip. I rest my free hand on his shoulder and clasp his other and we begin to sway to the sound of nature that surrounds us.

  “How can I keep your mind off tomorrow until after tonight?”

  I reply, “This is a good start.”

  “Tell Meadow and stay with me, Stella.”

  “It could get complicated if others know.”

  “I’ll tell the world if you let me.” We twirl under the star-filled sky.

  “What happens when you leave, Rivers?”

  “You come see me.”

  “I have a job. I can’t just leave when I want.”

  “Ah. The key is that you want, though. Am I reading too much into this?”

  I move against him, resting my cheek on his chest. “You’re reading me as well as you always did, but I don’t know what to make of you.”

  We move apart, and his arms go out. “I’m exactly what you see, Stella.”

  The back door squeaks when it opens. Ridge steps out and then Meadow, but they stop on the patio. He says, “So we’re going to take off.”

  Shifting, I say, “Oh. Okay, um . . .”

  Meadow says, “We’re taking off. Rivers, will you make sure my sister gets home safely?”

  “Wait, what?”

  Rivers replies, “Thanks for coming over and bringing the food.”

  She eyes me, and then him. “I’ll pick up my car in the morning. Thank you for having us. Call me after work tomorrow. Okay, sis?”

  “I will. Be safe.”

  Rivers adds, “Treat her well, or I’ll kick your ass, Ridge.”

  “I have every intention—” The death glare from Rivers stops him, and he changes course. “With complete respect.”

  They hurry off again, the door slamming closed after they go inside. I look at Rivers and say, “Guess I don’t have to say anything about us at all. Tell me he’s a good guy because we have a love match on our hands.”

  “He’s just like me,” he replies, chuckling.

  “That bad, huh?” I poke him in the stomach, forgetting how hard his abs are until my finger jams against his hard muscle.

  Taking my finger, he kisses the tip, and then asks, “You’re stuck with me now, pretty girl.”

  “There are worse places to be stuck.” I head for the porch. “C’mon. Stop wasting time. I have to get up early in the morning. That means I need to hit the hay now.”

  He follows behind with his guitar in hand. “Is this just a ploy to get me in bed to use up all those condoms you brought over?”

  “Absolutely. All three of mine and then we’ll use your pack. So get your ass in gear and let’s go to bed.”

  “So demanding. I like it.”

  Inside, I see Meadow’s car keys on the counter with a note that she’ll pick up her car in the morning. Rivers says, “It’s weird thinking of her all grown up.”

  “She’s not. She’s twenty-one.”

  Sitting on a barstool, he twists the caps of two bottles of water and hands one to me. “She’s older than you were when we were together.”

  “Barely. I just don’t want her to pay later for mistakes she makes now. If she can avoid some of the pitfalls I fell into, then I feel like I’ve done something right.”

  “Were we a pitfall?”

  “We were a volcano waiting to erupt.” I grab the tortilla chips and park on the stool next to him. “I’ve thought a lot about what really went wrong with us. Although I felt blindsided by the Naomi situation, I should have been seeing the signs of our downfall before then.”

  He eats a chip and chases it with water. “The drugs.”

  “The drugs. The change in the crowd you were hanging out with. They never really accepted me. I was a nagging girlfriend keeping them from clinging to you too much.”

  “Too much,” he repeats, echoing the phrase that’s becoming a running theme. “I once defended you to this weed dealer working a party.”

  “What did you say?”

  “I told him not to talk shit about you. You weren’t going to call the cops or cause trouble.”

  “You shouldn’t have had to defend or vouch for me. You never did before then.”

  He angles toward me to stare into my eyes. “I was a motherless bass player who’d lost my rhythm. I also lost focus on what was clearly in front of me.”

  “Which was?”

  “You, my north star.” Embarrassment seems to filter through his features, and he gives himself a small reprieve by sipping his water. When he sets the bottle down, he turns back to me. “You still looked at me like I made magic every time I was on stage, as though I could do no wrong, but I did you wrong while I spiraled downward. I’m sorry I dragged you to rock bottom with me. I thought I lost everything when I lost my mother. I didn’t. I lost everything worth living for when I lost you.”

  Covering his hand, I try to comfort him from the weight of his words that seem to burden him even when he’s sitting next to me again. “If I tell you something, will you please not hold it against me?”

  “I’m not looking for an enemy when it comes to us. I’m looking for an ally.” He turns his hand over, so he’s holding mine. “You can tell me anything and trust me to protect that information.”

  And I know in my heart of hearts that it’s true. How can I look at him now and justify why I didn’t trust him years ago? Actually, the answer is pretty clear. He was lost. The years took their toll on him, on his heart and his compass when it came to us. He was struggling.

  The man in front of me isn’t that boy who couldn’t see beyond the next day. This is a man who has lost and grieved and somehow made something amazing of himself. And that man, that’s the man I never gave up on, the same man who came back for me.

  So he needs to hear this. He needs to hear that he wasn’t really ever alone, not in my heart. “My heart never let you go.” And there it is, clear as the sky outside. My love served up on a platter for him. Even in my darkest moments, I never let him go. But right now? He deserves to know what I did, because for him to have my heart, I need to give him the truth. My truth. My soul-destroying truth.

  Standing, I walk to the opening to the hall. He follows and takes hold of me, kissing my neck. I say, “I want you, Rivers. I want you to make me forget the past.”

  He stills, lifting his head from where he was kissing me and looks me in the eyes. “I wish I could take away the bad and leave you with only the good memories. I can’t bury what we were, but I’ll do everything to change what we are.”

  “What we are?”

  “A second chance.”

  A second chance. I’m being given a second chance with this man I’ve loved since I was fifteen, a man I never stopped loving. This is it. He means what he says, and his words fill me with the hope he’s held in his eyes since he showed back up. We’ll bathe our souls in each other’s love, but only if I cleanse mine first. “I want that, but I can’t—”

  “Can’t?” Panic rises in his irises like a time-lapsed moon racing the dark.

  Staring at the design of his T-shirt, I swallow my pride like I did once before, and share the only secret I’ve never told anyone. “I need to talk to you about what I’ve done.”

  Holding my chin between his fingers, he raises it until I’m looking into his eyes. I can’t hold eye contact. Not with him. Not while I share the most shameful and painful part of my life.

  Will he still want me?


  Will he still feel the same?

  Will he want that second chance he’s convinced himself he needs?

  If he walks away this time, this time forever, what will become of me?

  I place my trust in his hands. If we’re to be a better version of our tainted ending, I have to lay down my weapons and show him the scars I bear inside and let him decide if he still wants me.

  We walk down the hall and into the bedroom. Once inside, I slip out from his shadow and walk into the moonlight of the window to shine light on my dirty deeds. I keep my back to him and cross my arms over my stomach, the memory as horrid today as it was then. “I had sex for money.”

  20

  Rivers

  Staring at the back of Stella’s head, the words brush by me incomprehensible. She doesn’t move, standing statue still after she tells me she had sex for money.

  I’m not horrified.

  I’m not mad.

  I’m not anything.

  Numb.

  Yes, I’m numb.

  “What?” I ask, needing her to repeat what she said because I must have heard wrong.

  Disgusted. Not by her, but her father.

  She turns back and looks at me as I remain in the darker side of the room. “I was paid money for sex.”

  Why does my chest hurt? Why is my heart racing? Why the fuck would she sell her body for money? “Why?”

  “For the money,” she replies as if the reason is more than obvious.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I’ve barely come to grips with it. I thought . . . well, before we go any further, you should know. You might not want to sleep with me.”

  “How much money?”

  “Ten thousand dollars was the original loan. The interest brought it to fifty thousand.”

  “What the fuck?” My fingers slide into my hair as I try to wrap my brain around this information. “Fifty thousand dollars?”

  “Yes.”

  “I didn’t mean how much were you paid. I meant how much money did you need?”