Neither

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Part of me considers what Ava will be like if I change her. What her form will be. An image of her with white gossamer wings flits through my mind, but it is gone before I can grab onto it. I promised I would do it if she wanted. She is not ready. I am not sure if she is aware, but her hesitancy overwhelms her assertion that she is. I'm not sure if you are ever ready for immortality, if there is any way to prepare. I was not prepared, and I would take it back if I could. I still hold out a tiny thread of hope that she will end me, but I would still rather be chained to her. Being Ava's prisoner is better than being free.

  “How is Texas?” I ask Viktor.

  “She is doing well. How is Ava?”

  “Well.”

  “Who are you talking to?” Texas' sleepy voice says in the background.

  “Peter,” Viktor says, leaning to talk to her.

  “Hey, Peter,” she says. I can tell she is tired.

  “You can go to sleep. I am not leaving,” Viktor says, his voice full of tenderness.

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.” She mutters something, and he gets back on the line with me. “I will see you tomorrow. I too must stay near the school now.”

  “See you tomorrow.”

  I hang up and set the phone back on Ava's nightstand. Her eyes flutter and I stop moving so I won’t wake her.

  “Don't go,” she says, one of her hands reaching out.

  I twine it with mine and she relaxes. I sense her dream distress, but I can't read her mind to see what is wrong. The mind reading seems to come when I least expect it. I turn our hands over, studying hers entwined with mine. I want to keep it there. Always.

  Six

  Brooke

  The pain consumed me for hours, escalating until it was all I could see, hear and taste.

  It was bright and hot like metal.

  When I finally opened my eyes, I could see everything, as if the world was connected by tiny threads that I never knew existed. I could hear the earth shifting. The air was not transparent at all. It was filled with all kinds of things.

  “Hello again, Brooke,” Ivan's voice said.

  I turned and saw him standing against the wall. He was even more flawless than when I'd seen him last, if that was possible. I could see the lines of his face, his hair, his eyes, everything with a clarity that would have been too much for me before.

  “Hi, Ivan.” My voice sounded different, too. He was staring at me. Well, not at me. Behind me.

  “What beautiful wings you have, love,” Ivan said.

  I reach my hand back and touch them. Although they were thin, they were made of a strong membrane that would not tear, even in a hurricane. I followed them to where they attached to my back. They blended into my skin without stopping. They were a part of me. My shirt had shredded from where they'd ripped through it, so it was no more than tatters. My bra was still intact, so he hadn't seen the rest of me.

  “Where did they come from?”

  “Wherever we come from. I don't know.”

  “Do you have them?”

  “No. I am different.”

  “Show me.”

  He took off his shirt, and even though it was dark, I could see his skin as it shifted from human skin to greenish scales. He stuck out a now-forked tongue at me.

  “You're much prettier, love.”

  I walked toward him and put my hand on his face, just to feel. It was like touching a snake, but the scales still retained some of the feel of skin. They were soft somehow. They had a tiny bit of sparkle. He shifted back to his human face.

  “Can I go outside now?”

  “Of course.”

  He gestured to the trapdoor, and I flung it open. If I would have still been human, I would have been blinded. The sun was glorious. It filled me up with light and brightness, and I thought I would burst from one more second of it.

  “We need the sun to live, you see. Those vampire stories are all fiction.”

  I wanted to take off my clothes so I could take in more of it. I wanted to bathe in it for eternity. I tried my wings out. They were as easy to move as my arms or legs. I flapped them.

  “You'll be able to fly soon, I should think. Are you thirsty?”

  “Thirsty?” As soon as he said it, a crippling need overcame me. I wanted something, but I didn't know what it was. I just knew that I had to get it. NOW.

  “If I tell you to stay here, will you listen? I will be right back with what you need.”

  I listened and stood in the sun for what felt like forever. The initial burst of it had worn off, and now I just wanted something hot and liquid. I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything else.

  A smell hit me and I knew that whatever it was, it was what I needed. I followed it, disobeying Ivan's orders. My feet carried me to where he was with a man. The man was dirty and had not bathed in a while, but above all else, he smelled of sweat, human and something else. The thing I needed.

  “He's yours. Don't worry about killing him. He doesn't deserve to live.”

  He tossed the man at me. He was unconscious. I caught him, and without thinking, ripped into his skin, letting his sweet, hot blood spurt into the air like a fountain. I latched into the hole I'd made and sucked. This. This was what I needed.

  In the next few hours Ivan brought me three more people, until I was so full and drunk on blood I could barely move. He didn't take any, and I didn't offer.

  “It doesn't disgust you?”

  “I didn't think about it.” It was true. Distantly, I thought that I should care. I'd killed four people in a few hours and I didn't care.

  “It is natural not to care. It will take you some time to get in touch with your humanity again. For now, you need blood and sun.”

  Sounded good to me.

  ***

  “Why did you make me promise to spend a day with you?”

  “I don't really know, love. I wasn't sure that you'd stay with me after I turned you.”

  Ivan and I were lying under the moonlight on the roof of an office building in the heart of Portsmouth, New Hampshire. I'd lost count of how many people I'd fed from. At least ten. I'd only been fully immortal for about a day.

  “So I'm really going to live forever?”

  “Yes. Did you think I was lying?”

  “How should I know? You're a stranger I met in the middle of the night who gave me blood.”

  “True.” He rose to his feet. “Let's try it out.”

  “Try what out?”

  “Killing you.”

  I was not nervous, although my heart should have raced and my anxiety level should have been high. I knew those things once were, but they were not anymore. I didn't have a heart that could race.

  “Okay,” I said, getting up. “What are you going to do?”

  “Well, I would throw you off the building, but that might attract attention.”

  “You could stab me.”

  “Good idea.” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the same knife he used to cut me when he changed me. He flipped it at me and I caught it without thinking. “Be careful with it. I like that knife.”

  I unfolded the sharp blade from the handle and held it against my skin without pressing. “Why aren't I scared?”

  “You have nothing to be afraid of. Fear is a mostly human emotion.”

  “Huh.” I pressed the blade against my skin, but nothing happened. I pressed harder, drawing it quickly across my arm. Nothing. No pain. No blood. It just felt like scraping something across my skin.

  “See?”

  I took the tip of the blade and poked my arm with it. I knew it was sharp. I knew it would cut a human because it had cut me. I leaped forward and shoved the knife at Ivan. He dodged me and I lunged again. He laughed, moving out of my way. I kept trying, chasing him around the roof and trying to stab him. If I was human, I would have thought it a crazy and morbid game. As it was, I started laughing and we ran around the roof, me chasing him with the knife and him avoiding me.

&nb
sp; “Nothing can hurt you, Brooke. Nothing. You're unstoppable.”

  I felt unstoppable. I threw myself at him and we slammed to the concrete of the roof.

  “Careful, love. You'll break something.”

  He rolled over until he was on top of me. There was a pit where I'd jumped on him and made a dent in the roof. Oh well. I stared at him as he held himself above me.

  “What are you waiting for?” I asked.

  He stared at me, our eyes locking. Since we didn't need to blink, we could keep the contact as long as we wanted.

  “I don't know.”

  He rolled off me and looked up at the stars. I'd never seen them so clearly before. I wasn't hurt by his snub. I would have been, if I'd been human. I wasn't anymore, so I didn't get upset about things like that. I remembered something he said before he changed me. My memories were murky from my human life, but they had been coming back to me in little drips and drops.

  “Who is she? That girl you mentioned. The one that loves your brother.”

  “Ava,” he said. “Her name is Ava. She's... I don't know. She's pretty and human and she reminds me of a girl I lost.”

  I had to dig for the name of the other girl. “Josie?”

  “Yes, Josie.” He said the name as if it was the most important word in the world. He didn't say my name that way.

  “What was she like?”

  “She hated me, but she loved me, too. Love and hate are really the same thing. You can never hate as much as when you love them, too.”

  I felt the same way about my mother. Or at least I had. I didn't know how I felt about her now. It was irrelevant.

  “Where's she from? Ava?”

  “Maine.”

  “So what were you doing in the sticks of New Hampshire?” My human slang was coming back to me slowly.

  “Trying to stay away from her. I can't have her, so I don't want to be around her.”

  “Understandable.”

  Dillon had had a girlfriend a few times. I thought. It was hard to remember. Still, imagining him with another girl made me want to kill something.

  “What is so special about her? There are a million girls.”

  “I know. It's so many things. She has these green eyes that are wide and open. They just stare at you and you feel like she can see all your secrets. I know that seems like a silly thing to say. She also speaks her mind. I like that, too.”

  “Is she pretty?”

  “Not in a common way. She's got long hair and those eyes. She's tiny, like you. She smells like honey and cinnamon.”

  “Sounds delicious.”

  “She would be, but I can't have her.”

  “Why?”

  “It's too much to explain, but I will tell you that a noctalis can Claim a human. It means that they will feed only from that human. It is a way to mark your territory, so to speak. It is not common, but my brother did it to save her. So she cannot be mine.”

  “Does he love her?”

  “He wishes,” Ivan said with a harsh laugh. “That is a story for another day.”

  Seven

  Ava

  I have the stupid nightmare again. The one where my mother and Peter burst into flames. I'm really getting tired of it. My alarm rings far too soon. I reach out and smash my hand on the button to make it stop.

  “No,” I say, rolling over and finding Peter's naked chest. What a way to wake up.

  “You have to go to school,” he says.

  “No,” I say, whining like a child. Why couldn't I just say no and have that be the answer?

  “I do not want you to go either, but you must.” He pulls his body out from under mine.

  “You suck,” I say.

  “Only your blood and only sometimes.”

  I laugh on my way to the bathroom. His humor is definitely improving. I'm like a proud mama.

  My parents are sacked out, Dad snoring like a chainsaw, so I have the house to myself to get ready. Well, except for Peter, but he doesn't really count. The only upside of having them in bed is that they don't notice I'm wearing the scarf again.

  ***

  Tex attacks me as soon as I get out of my car.

  “Hey, sorry I didn't call you last night. I kind of passed out. This Claiming thing has kind of messed with my system.” She waves her hands in a circle.

  I too passed out after the whole thing with Mom and her friends. “Yeah, been there, done that.”

  I make sure my scarf is secure around my neck, since it's a windy day. I've paired it with a black top and jeans. I start telling her about my experiences as we walk inside, and I find that hers are similar.

  “When did it happen?” I ask as I put my books in my locker, keeping only the books I'll need for the day.

  “It was after he took me home. We met Ivan halfway, and Viktor told him what was up. I thought he was crazy, but he said to trust him. Somehow he has a way of explaining things that makes them make complete sense, even if they're insane. Anyway, we went back to my house and I was freaking out about leaving you. He told me no one could touch you or hurt you, but I really didn't believe him. I said I wanted to make sure you were okay, and he said the only way he'd take me was if he Claimed me. I think he was trying to get me to back out. Well, that blew up in his face when I told him to go for it. So he did.”

  “How did he do it? Peter used a knife.” I rub my wrist where the wound still hasn't completely healed.

  Tex laughs, as if it is funny. “He found a knife in the kitchen, but I made him disinfect it before he used it. I also made him let me do it so he wouldn't leave a scar.” She rubs her left wrist, which has a wide bracelet around it.

  “Yeah, I found this in my jewelry drawer. I'm pretty sure Aunt Bea gave it to me to ward of negative energy or something. It was the only thing wide enough to cover everything. God, I hope I don't get an infection.”

  “I'm sure you'll be fine,” I say, meandering down the hall toward geometry. I want to put that off as long as possible. I only have about two minutes.

  Tex looks like she wants to say something else.

  I wait.

  “I feel him. Like, all the time,” she whispers, leaning in so only I can hear.

  “Yeah, that's part of it.”

  “It's really trippy. But I kinda like it. I can tell that he's out in the parking lot, pining for me.” She rolls her eyes back and sighs dreamily.

  “It's not all about that, Tex,” I snap. I want her to take this seriously, because it is serious. She's just bound herself for life to Viktor. How can she not understand the gravity of that?

  “I know that,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Look, I'll see you later. Maybe we can do lunch with the boys. Or we'll do lunch and they'll watch. Or something. I'll see you later.” She walks off without her usual strut. She's even walking differently. More confident. Like she has something she knows other people want, but she isn't going to share it. Oh, crap.

  “Hey, Ava,” Jamie says, coming down the opposite side of the hall. I never seem to see the two of them at the same time. Now he's the only person in my life that doesn't know about Peter. He's met him, but not really.

  “Hey, James. Long time no see.” God, how much has gone down since the last time I saw him. I don't even know where to start. “How's everything?” By everything I mean his asshole dad and his pregnant sister.

  “It's a girl. She had the ultrasound on Friday, but she waited to tell me until last night. It kind of slipped out, I guess.” He shrugs, but I can tell he's over the moon about it.

  “That's great, Jamie.” I really, really hoped it would be. I saw Cassie not that long ago and she seemed happy. Happier than I'd ever seen her. She was never a bubbly, giggly girl. More dark and moody. I blame it on her crappy home life. Somehow Jamie managed to come out with the opposite personality.

  “We've been going through the name books, trying to find the right one. Cassie loves Glorianna.”

  I flinch. “Ouch,” I say, “that would be a lot for a kid to learn how
to spell.”

  “That's what I said. Her last name will be Barton, so it has to go with that.”

  The bell rings, signaling that it's time for me to enter the cave of doom, otherwise known as my geometry classroom. Mr. Galakis already has his glare on.

  “See you later,” I say. Jamie winks at me and jogs down the hall to Spanish. I love that boy.

  I try my hardest to focus in class, but it's hard when part of my brain is thinking about Peter and I am feeling his emotions, another part is wondering if my mother is okay and another part is thinking about blood.

  She was still asleep when I left that morning, but Dad was staying home with her. I'm pretty sure he's going to take leave from work soon. I don't want that day to come, because that will mean we're close to the end. She said she would tell me when it was happening, but I'm too scared to ask. I'm stuck in a place of wanting to know, and not wanting to know.

  One thing is for sure, I'm going to need a serious miracle to get through exams. They're extremely important because colleges will be looking at them. Not that I've really thought much about that. I know I'll go to college, but I can't see past this summer. I can't see a life without my mother. Obviously Peter will have to come with me. Maybe he can enroll with me. The question is, will I be human or not? Either way, I'm getting a degree. That is something I promised my mother, and I'm not going to go back on my word. Just like I promised to take care of her garden, I'm going to college. Bottom line. Even if I have to study my ass off to pass geometry. Even if I have to have Peter stand outside the window and feed me answers. That's what I'll do.

  I call Mom during study hall and make sure she's recovering from the day before and all that craziness.

  She sighs. “I knew it was going to be emotional. The phone hasn't stopped ringing. Just wait until you see what's in the kitchen when you get home.”

  “Why, what happened?”