Neither

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “Helena,” Di said, as if she was both sad and surprised. Odd, I thought she was waiting here for her.

  “Di. Long time no see.”

  Di tipped her head to the side. “It has been a long time. You look well.”

  “So do you.” There was a pause as they locked eyes. The only parts of them that moved were their hair.

  “What do you want, Helen?” I'd never heard anyone call her that.

  “I just wanted to see you, Diana. I just...”

  “You seem to have taken to the modern language well.”

  “It is easy to imitate,” Helena said, switching into her real accent. I'd heard it a few times since I'd gotten to know her. It was strange to hear her talk like a valley girl one moment and a Greek goddess the next.

  “I think I can guess why you are here,” Di said, getting up and walking in a circle around Helena, brushing a strand of her long hair. “You are here about my boys.”

  “Maybe I am. Maybe I missed you.”

  Di laughed. “Oh, Helen, I'm not that stupid. What I don't know is how they roped you into it.”

  “I am here of my own accord.”

  “Of course you are. Such a sucker, Helen. You always were. Beauty and heart. Not a lot of common sense.”

  Helena giggled, the sound cracking over the barren landscape like a gunshot. “You were always insulting me. Even when we were making love. Especially then.” She reached out and touched Di's shoulder.

  Di looked like she wanted to give in, but she turned and walked away. “So what have you gotten them to promise you?”

  “Nothing,” Helena said.

  Di was surprised again. “Oh, come now. You can't get something for nothing.”

  “I don't want it to go on anymore, Di. The binds... all they do is create hate. I just want there to be love.”

  “So altruistic, sweet Helen. But binds can be about love, as you well know.”

  “What happened to you? Why have you turned so bitter?”

  A hot breeze tossed their hair around like scarves. “You made me this way. Or don't you recall?”

  “If I could take it back, I would.”

  “Such a liar, my Helen.”

  “Remember that day when I met you? Remember after Akash changed me and we swam in the river and danced in the sun? Remember that day you painted the clouds on my skin with white paint?”

  “Of course I remember. It's just not important. Don't you remember how I killed that boy you were infatuated with. What was his name? Tobias?”

  “You know what his name was, Diana. Don't play that game with me. You pretend that you don't care, but I know you do, you have to. But why did you do it to them? To your boys? How could you?”

  “That is my business, not yours.” Di turned and stormed away.

  “Diana. I didn't come here to fight with you,” Helena's voice softened.

  “You're doing a good job of it.”

  Helena held up her hands in a pleading motion. “Can we just talk?”

  “If you just wanted to talk, then what is she doing here?” Di points right at me. The wind must have shifted, bringing her my scent. I didn't see the point in hiding, so I came out.

  “Brooke. You are not good at following directions,” Helena said.

  “Not really. I don't really do what people tell me to do,” I said. It was part of what had gotten me into this immortal situation in the first place.

  “Is this your new toy?”

  “No. I am just here for moral support.” This was not exactly true, but it sounded good.

  “Why don't I believe that? Did you bring anyone else with you? One of my lovely sons, perhaps? You may have heard, one of them was ended by a human. The very human who will end another of mine.”

  “He loves her, you know? I know you made the bind that he wouldn't, but you can love more than one person at once. That was what you forgot.”

  “He may love her, but he loves me more. Soon he will kill her and that will be the end of it. He will come back to me and we will be together again. I may have lost my Ivan, but my Cal will fill his place.”

  “They can't fill my place, Diana. You would be gone if they had.”

  Di was silent, unable to deny it.

  “You left a place I couldn't fill. I need you, Diana. I miss you.” Helena touched Di's turned shoulder, and Di couldn't resist meeting her eyes.

  “You didn't love me. You never did. You were obsessed with that human boy, even after you changed. I was never enough for you,” Di said.

  “You were; you were enough. You are enough. I've spent every second of every day thinking about you. You know I would not be alive if I didn't love you.” Di tried to fight it, but Helena pulled on her shoulders, turning her around so their eyes could meet. “Prove it. Prove you don't love me.” Helena crushed her lips to Di's.

  For a moment, Di fought her, but it was only a moment. Then she gave in.

  Twenty-Eight

  Ava

  I don't end up killing the social worker, but I do end up freaking out and crying. I try my best not to break down in front of Mom, but when they tell me they are preparing for the worst, I kind of lose it. The social worker gives Peter her first nasty look, and I gave it right back to her. He is the only thing preventing me from going postal.

  I spend as much time at the hospital as they'll let me. Flowers, cards and visitors come and go, and I ignore most of them. Tex comes again and stays for a while, making my mother have a coughing fit several times. I end up glaring at her so she'll stop being funny. Dad mentions something about Peter spending time with his own family, but he says that they understand. What he doesn't say is that I am his family. He tells me that later.

  At night I rage against the unfairness and shittiness of my life. He lets me scream and beat him, and after a while I get tired enough and pass out. It's probably not a healthy way of dealing with my grief, but it's the only thing I can do right now.

  Mom gets steadily worse until she gasps with every breath, even with the oxygen tube in her nose. They've tried three different antibiotics, but her body just isn't strong enough.

  On Thursday, while Dad is getting coffee, she gives Peter a long look and he gets up, saying that he's going to give us a moment. I hold onto his hand, but he pulls away, giving it a kiss before he does.

  I know what this means.

  “Ava-Claire.”

  I look at her and I feel sick. I've thrown up I don't know how many times in the past few days.

  “Mommy,” I say. I haven't called her that in years, but it comes out.

  “Baby, I don't want you to be scared. I said I would tell you when it was time. It's time.” She gasps after every word, so it takes her a while to get them out.

  “Mommy, you can't. Not yet.” I get up and climb into bed with her, shaking with the effort of holding myself together. Any moment I'm going to fly into a million pieces.

  “I fought. Not everyone wins, but I don't want to talk about that. I want you to know that I will always be with you. I may not be here, but I am always with you. You are my daughter, whether we're in this life or the next. I have to believe that whoever created us wouldn't be cruel enough to separate us.” She has to rest before she goes on.

  “Daddy and I have talked a lot about this, and I want you to know that he's taking care of things. You don't need to worry about things you don't need to worry about. I want you to be young, even though you're dealing with something no young person should. You are my strong girl, you will pull through and your life will be wonderful. I gave Daddy a box of things for you. He doesn't know what's in it, but I want you to have it. They are things that are just for you. Okay?” I can't say anything, so I just nod once. I feel like I'm not in my body, but that I'm floating above us, just a spirit, watching.

  “Everything I want you to know is in that box. When you need to hear my voice or know that I love you, open the box. I've also left you grandma’s jewelry and some other little things. I started putting money
away for your college when you were born. There's an account in your name, and the money will be yours when you turn 18. Aj has all the paperwork for that.”

  I think I hear Dad in the hallway, but then the footsteps fade. Mom closes her eyes, as if she's pulling out every reserve of energy she has.

  “Be careful with your heart. I know you've given it to Peter, and I know you are tied to him, but I just want you to make sure that is what you want. If you love him and he makes you happier than you ever thought you could be, then I give my blessing to be with him. If he ever makes you sad, or upset or hurts you, he isn't the boy for you. If you decide to spend your life, or more than that with him, that is also your choice. I will support anything you do. Even if that means you become an immortal.”

  That makes me sit up and look at her.

  “I know. I thought a lot about it, and I'm not going to stand in the way of getting what you want. If you want to spend eternity with Peter, you can. I don't want you to live with regrets, or worry about what I would have thought. I want you to do what makes you unbelievably happy, even if it's that. It’s going to be dark for a while, but your dawn will come, and it’s going to be glorious.”

  She has another coughing fit and I hand her a glass of water. She's only able to take a little sip, and it spills onto her chin. I wipe her mouth and she lies back, closing her eyes again.

  “So many people don't get to say good-bye. I've been thinking about this ever since I was diagnosed. I wrote this speech a million times. I decided I wasn't going to get it right.” I sense that's the end of what she wants to say. She hugs me close, her frail body trembling.

  “I love you, ma fleur. If I hadn't had you, I wouldn't have had much to live for. You are my life, and you will go on after I am gone. My Ava-Claire.”

  “I love you, Mommy.” I hug her for what seems like hours, and only a few seconds because Dad is back, with a nurse right behind him.

  They want to move her to a hospice, but she refuses.

  “I just want to go home.”

  Peter

  Claire passes away the following morning in her bed with Ava, Sam and Aj standing by her bedside. I am outside under the window. There is a moment of absolute peace when I hear her breathing cease. There is a moment of pure bright silence that rings like a bell.

  “I love you,” Ava and Sam say, kissing her forehead.

  Ava walks out of the house and down the road without saying a word to her father. He crumples to the floor and Aj comforts him. Hot grief hits me like lightning, and I nearly stumble. Ava starts to run down the road, and I follow her.

  “Just kill me, Peter. Just kill me. I can't do it.” She turns to face me, and her grief consumes me. I am breaking, but it can't be anything to what she is facing.

  “You have to live for her. Even when it hurts so much you think you can't stand it.”

  “I don't want to. It's too much.”

  “You can handle it. You are my strong girl. You've faced down immortals. You can face this.” She just keeps shaking her head. “I am never going to leave you. Never.”

  “You don't know that. Helena was supposed to find Di, but she hasn't come back. She doesn't have any incentive to help us. She probably ran off. There's nothing we can do. There's a chance that if you change me and make a bind, that it could break the bind with Di. I know that no one has told us that it would work, but I don't trust them. Everyone has something to hide, a reason to lie. Even if it doesn't break the bind, I would be invincible. She would have no way of hurting me. I could fight her. I could fight for us. And Viktor wouldn't be able to exact his revenge. It would give us time. So much time.”

  “I will change you, but not now. Not today. Today is for Claire.”

  I think she's going to protest, but she makes a strangled sound.

  “Today is for her,” Ava says.

  Twenty-Nine

  Ava

  We have the funeral that weekend. I had no idea how many people Mom knew, or knew her. It is all a blur, and to be honest I didn't want to remember it anyway.

  Peter is there the whole time, standing beside me, holding my hand, trying to take my pain. It's too much for both of us.

  Dad isn't doing well, but Aj has sort of moved in with us to help with everything. It seems like there are a lot of things to be done when someone dies. Paperwork, bills, things to be changed, and lawyers and wills.

  I find the box Mom told me about in her closet. There is a note on top with my name on it. I take it to my room, but I can't open it. Maybe someday I will be able to, but I'm not ready yet. I still can't believe that she's gone. The house is too quiet. It doesn't feel like home without her.

  I keep forgetting, thinking that she's just at work, or out with the girls, and hasn't come home yet. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for her to come back. But she doesn't.

  Tex and Viktor are over a lot, and Dad doesn't really seem to care that I have both Peter and Viktor over. Jamie is there a lot, too, always trying to cheer me up. I ask him if he's heard from Brooke, but he hasn't.

  The night after the funeral, I have the burning dream again, and I wake up screaming.

  “Shh, I'm here.”

  “You have to change me, Peter. You have to.”

  “Okay. We will have to make arrangements.”

  So we do. We spend the rest of the night thinking logistics. I think back to what Mom said. I do want to spend my eternity with Peter. I'm going to become immortal and then we're going to find a way to take care of Di, with or without Helena. And then Peter and I are going to share our eternity together. If there's anyone who can make sure that it happens, it's my mother.

  I plan to spend the following weekend with Tex. I know she'll work as my alibi. As soon as I recover, I'll go home and Peter will help me adjust. I do worry that I will want to kill my father, but I have been dealing with that for a while, and I haven't done it yet. I will cross that bridge when I get there.

  Peter

  It will be done. She will be mine. I will take her soul. I think about what it will be like, to carry something that precious. I don't want to be responsible for something that precious, but she has asked, and I promised.

  Rasha and Kamir leave Ava a note, saying how sorry they are for her loss. She tosses it in the trash, but I retrieve it and save it. She might not want it now, but she will.

  We don’t hear from Helena for two days, and Ava starts to worry.

  “What if she changed her mind?” Her eyes are permanently red and puffy from crying. We're in her bed, lying as close as two people can be.

  “We have to believe that she won't.”

  She turns her face up for a kiss. “I love you,” she says. “Thank you for not being responsible and saying that I shouldn't want to make a decision like being immortal at a time like this.”

  “I adore you,” I say.

  She sits up, looking at my face. “What is it?”

  “I am not sure.” Something has come over me, much like when Ava's feelings overcome me. Except, this isn't hers. It's something big and bright, and it hurts and it feels wonderful and astonishing and new and old and...

  Ava

  He pauses for a moment and I seize him, expecting him turn to ash in my bed.

  “I. Love. You.” He says it slowly and deliberately. I throw myself at him, knowing that this is the end. He's gone.

  Moments pass. Then minutes. I count my breaths, but he's still solid.

  “Ava,” he says, unlatching my hands from around his neck. If he was human, I would have choked the life out of him. “I love you,” he says again. He smiles at me and I push my hands on his chest.

  “Why aren't you dead?”

  “I don't know.” His calm tone makes me want to yell.

  “How did you know it wouldn't kill you?”

  “I didn't.”

  “Then why did you do it, you moron?!”

  “Because I felt it.” I thought I'd gotten rid of my tears, but I still had some.

  “You
can't do things like that to me, ever again. What the fuck is wrong with you?” I just lost my mother and he takes crazy risks.

  “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He says it over and over, putting different emphasis on each word. I'm so angry with him, but after he starts smiling and laughing while saying it, I turn to mush. He loves me. I don't know if it means the bind was void all along, or Helena got to Di, or we'd somehow broken it ourselves.

  He loves me.

  Epilogue

  Ava

  Peter and I hash out the rest of my transformation details in the midst of making out. He says he loves me a billion more times. I want him to say it a billion more.

  “I love you,” he says. He tries saying it with different emphasis on each word. He says it soft and slow and fast and loud until we're rolling on the bed and laughing.

  “I am never going to tire of saying it.”

  “Helena must have gotten to Di.”

  “She must have.”

  “We're going to be together,” I say, my face cracking open with a smile.

  “We are.”

  “Soon.”

  “Very soon,” he says, his hand sliding down my arm to my hip. “I can make love to you. I can marry you. I can try to be everything you deserve.”

  “You are more than I deserve.”

  “Not possible.” His lips claim mine for a fiery kiss.

  Peter

  We stay up the rest of the night, kissing and talking.

  “You should call Viktor to see if his bind is gone. I don't know how we'll tell, but we need to know if it's just you.”

  “Tomorrow,” I say. I just want tonight to belong to us. Just us.

  “Okay,” she says, touching my bare chest. “And tomorrow, I'll tell Dad that I'm spending my weekend with Tex. Aj will be here to take care of Dad. I'll have to call Jamie and tell him. There is no way I'm letting him find out after. I owe him, big time. And I have a few things I need to do first.” She grabs her notebook from the side of her bed and flips it open.