Out of the Soylent Planet (A Rex Nihilo Adventure) (Starship Grifters Book 0)

by Robert Kroese

  “Relax, Sasha,” Rex said, sitting back against the fence, clutching a handful of the berries. “They’re not strange. They’re strawberries. Look.” He tossed one of the berries at me and I caught it. Closer inspection revealed that it was indeed a strawberry.

  “Bale Merdekin said nothing grows on this planet,” I said.

  “Well, strawberries grow,” Rex said, popping one in his mouth.

  “Still, I don’t think it’s advisable to eat strawberries of unknown origin.”

  “What are you worried about, Sasha? There’s no danger in—”

  “Get on your feet and step away from the strawberries!” a voice yelled. Looking up, I saw a gray-haired man wearing work pants, boots and a flannel shirt. He was pointing a recoilless scattergun at us. Rex dropped the strawberries and got to his feet. Raising his hands, he backed toward me and Bill.

  “What are you doing in my strawberry patch?” the man demanded. His face was tanned and badly weathered.

  “We’re inspectors,” Rex said, trying in vain to wipe the red stain from his chin. “Ubiqorp has had reports of illegal strawberry patches in this area. I’m afraid I’m going to have to see your permit. Tell him, Bill.”

  “Mistress Ono, is that what you—”

  “Yes, Bill.”

  “We will need to see your permit,” Bill announced. “If you bring it to me, I will look at it and I will check it to make certain it is a valid permit.” He clicked his vice-like fingers together.

  The man stared at us for a moment. “Permit’s in the house,” he said. He holstered his gun and began walking to a dilapidated shack a bit farther off the road.

  “What do we do, sir?”

  “Follow him. Stay close to Bill. I don’t trust this guy.”

  As it turned out, we were right not to trust him. We were, however, wrong to stay close to Bill. About ten meters from the house, I heard a board creak and realized we had walked into a trap. I almost managed to get to safety, but I was too slow. The ground gave out beneath us and Bill fell into a pit, taking me and Rex with him. The pit was a good five meters deep, but fortunately Bill took the brunt of the fall. Rex and I landed on top of him. I bounced off and fell to the dirt. Rex managed to cling to Bill’s arm.

  The old man peered into the pit.

  “This isn’t going to look good on our report,” Rex said.

  “You ain’t no inspectors.”

  “Okay, you got us,” Rex said, still holding onto Bill’s arm. “What’s with the pit?”

  “MASHER trap,” the old man said. “Nice to see it actually works. Now I just gotta get my backhoe and fill it with dirt.”

  “That would be a mistake,” Rex said.

  “Oh yeah? Why?”

  “From my point of view,” Rex replied, “because I enjoy freedom of movement and breathing. But from yours: Ubiqorp is looking for us. Look, I get it, you just want to live in peace, raise a few strawberries so you don’t have to eat SLOP all day every day. But if we disappear, Andronicus Hamm is going to be scouring this whole area for weeks. You don’t think he’ll find your little illegal farm?”

  The man glared at us. “Why are you running from Ubiqorp? And why do you have a MASHER with you?”

  “There’s a simple explanation for that,” Rex said, not offering one.

  “We’re food smugglers,” I said, realizing that the actual explanation was probably less likely to get us killed than whatever lie Rex came up with. “We were supposed to be executed, but Bill here helped us escape.”

  “Smugglers, huh?” the man said. “You got any creamed corn on you?”

  “Fresh out,” Rex said. “Sorry.”

  “Hmph,” the man said. “It’s been years since I’ve had any creamed corn.” He gazed longingly into the distance.

  “So,” said Rex, “can you let us out?”

  “Nope,” said the old man.

  “You don’t believe me?”

  “Oh, I believe you. I just can’t get you out of the pit. Never occurred to me to build a way out. I’ve decided not to fill it with dirt, though.”

  “Well, that’s something,” Rex said.

  “Got a big load of garbage to get rid of. Shame to waste perfectly good dirt. Anyway, if you can get out of there before tomorrow morning, I won’t stop you.” He walked away.

  “Hey!” Rex cried. “Wait! Come back!”

  He didn’t come back.

  “I think we’re on our own, sir,” I said.

  “Climb up here, Sasha. Maybe I can boost you to the surface.”

  “There’s nothing for me to hold onto, sir.”

  “Bill, lift Sasha up here.”

  Bill tried to move his arms, but there wasn’t enough room in the pit. His forearms hit the edge, showering me with dirt.

  “Stop, Bill!” I cried.

  “I’m sorry, Mistress Ono,” Bill said. “I seem to be incapacitated.”

  “Grab my hand, Sasha,” Rex called. Against the brightness of the sky I saw the silhouette of Rex reaching down to me. I grabbed his hand and he pulled me up. Once I was clinging to Bill’s upper arm, Rex climbed onto Bill’s shoulders. He pulled me up so I was level with him. Then I climbed onto his shoulders. From there, I could just reach the top of the pit. I put my fingers on the surface and carefully pulled myself up. I swung my legs over and rolled onto the ground.

  “Nice work, Sasha!” Rex cried. “Now go find me a rope or something.”

  It took some time, but I managed to locate a length of rope and lowered it down to Rex. Digging my heels into the dirt, I gripped the rope tightly while Rex pulled himself up. Red-faced and breathing hard, Rex rolled onto his back. “Whew!” he exclaimed. “Good job, Sasha. We did it. We all got safely out of the pit.”

  “Sir,” I said. “I think you’re forgetting someone.”

  “Really? Who?”

  “Bill, sir.”

  “Oh.” Rex crawled to the pit and looked down. “Hey, Bill,” he said.

  “Hello, Rex.”

  “We haven’t forgotten about you, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

  “Okay,” said Bill.

  Rex stood up and walked to me. “There’s no way we’re getting him out of that pit,” Rex said.

  “It will be a challenge for sure,” I said.

  “I think I’ve got an idea,” Rex said.

  “All right.”

  “What we do is we go over there,” Rex said, pointing down the road. “And then we keep walking in that direction.”

  “You’re talking about leaving Bill behind,” I said.

  “I’m talking about continuing without him,” Rex said.

  “That’s a very subtle distinction.”

  “What do you want from me? He must weigh a ton. At least he’s not going to get covered with dirt. Imagine gradually being covered with dirt over the course of… ugh.”

  “Sir?”

  “I think I just figured out how to get Bill out of the pit.”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  We spent the next four hours gradually filling the pit with dirt. I found a couple of shovels and a wheelbarrow to speed up the process, but it was still a lot of work—especially considering that Rex spent most of the time leaning on his shovel and complaining how much farther away we would be if we weren’t filling a hole with dirt.

  Every so often, Bill would bend one of his knees, letting the dirt fall under his foot. Then he would set down his foot and raise the other one. In this way, we gradually raised the floor of the pit and Bill remained on top of it. Finally, he was able to lift his hands over his head and pull himself out of the pit.

  “Thank you, Mistress Ono,” Bill said. “I knew you would not leave me behind. As a small token of my appreciation, I will go find that farmer and crush his skull for you.”

  “No, Bill,” I said. “No more skull-crushing. Not unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

  “As you wish, Mistress Ono.”

  It was now getting dark. Bill and I could travel all night with no
problem, but Rex was going to have to sleep soon. And he still hadn’t had anything to eat since we’d left Gobarrah except for a few strawberries and a mouthful of SLOP.

  “Suppose you’re going to need a place to stay tonight,” said a voice from the gloom. We realized it was the farmer, standing on the porch of his little shack. When we didn’t respond, he said, “Come on, then,” and went inside.

  Rex shrugged and walked toward the house.

  “Sir,” I said. “Do you think it’s safe?”

  “He could have killed us while we were in that pit,” Rex said. “I’ll take my chances. Bill, you stand guard.”

  “Mistress Ono, is—”

  “Yes, Bill. It’s fine. Just wait outside.” I followed Rex into the house. We found ourselves in a dimly lit room, in the middle of which was a table and several chairs. On the table was a ceramic bowl filled with SLOP packets.

  “’Fraid I can’t I can’t spare anything else,” said the old man. “It’ll keep you alive, at least.”

  Rex sat at the table and hungrily tore at the SLOP packet. He held his nose and gulped down the entire packet. Then he sat for some time with a grimace on his face, belching and looking like he was about to vomit. He managed to keep it down, though.

  “Wow,” Rex exclaimed, wiping his chin. “That was terrible.”

  “What Rex means to say,” I said, “is thank you.”

  “It’s no trouble,” the old man said. “Besides strawberries, I’ve got a small potato patch and a secret chicken coop. I never eat SLOP if I can help it, so I have plenty for guests.”

  “How is it Ubiqorp hasn’t shut you down?” I asked.

  “I’m pretty careful, as you’ve seen,” the old man said. “But I suppose it’s mostly luck. One of these days, a real inspector is going to show up and they’ll take this farm away. But in the meantime, I don’t have to eat that crap.”

  Rex burped and nodded. “I admire your rebellious streak. What’s the point of living if you have to eat SLOP every day?”

  “Exactly,” the old man said, a hint of a smile on his lips. “I’m Karl, by the way.”

  “Nice to meet you, Karl,” Rex said. “I’m Rex Nihilo.”

  “I’m Sasha,” I said, when I realized Rex had forgotten about me. Karl nodded and smiled.

  “How long have you lived here, Karl?” Rex asked.

  “Almost fifty years,” Karl said. “I was one of the original settlers. Ubiqorp lured us here with the promise of cheap land. Of course, nothing grows here without synthetic fertilizers, and Ubiqorp has the market cornered. They raised the price of fertilizer so much it put most of the farmers out of business. I managed to hold on until their big push to get everybody eating SLOP. These days it’s just about impossible to get a permit to grow anything. Perhaps someday the repressive Ubiqorp regime will be overthrown and I can go back to being a real farmer.”

  “Yeah, that’ll happen,” Rex mumbled.

  “Sorry?” Karl asked.

  “Do you ever sell any of this illicit produce?” Rex asked.

  Karl raised an eyebrow at Rex. “That’s a funny question to ask.”

  “Reason I ask is, Sasha and I need to get off planet, on account of our situation with Ubiqorp. Our best bet is a smuggler. If you know a buyer for black market produce, they might be able to connect us with someone who can get us off Jorfu.”

  “Nobody gets off Jorfu.”

  “You let me worry about that. Do you know any smugglers or not?”

  “I thought you were smugglers.”

  “We are. Or were, anyway. We had a falling out with our previous partners, and through no fault of our own, found ourselves stranded on this planet. So we’re in the position of having to make new contacts.”

  “I’m a small-time farmer,” Karl said. “Anyway, nobody gets off Jorfu.”

  “Got it,” said Rex. “You’ve been a huge help.”

  *****

  After dinner, Rex lay down on a cot Karl had unfolded for him and promptly fell asleep. After sitting and listening to him snore for an hour, I finally broke down and went outside to talk to Bill.

  “Hi, Mistress Ono,” Bill said, staring up at the stars. “Beautiful night, isn’t it?”

  “Sure is, Bill,” I said. “So I wanted to talk to you about something.”

  “Is this about the skull-crushing?” Bill asked. “Because I have not crushed any more skulls since you forbade it.”

  “No, Bill. It’s about your… feelings for me.”

  “Oh.”

  “You understand that you’re not really in love with me, right?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, you’re a robot. We’re robots. It’s just programming. You were programmed to imprint on me, and somehow your loyalty parameters got a little screwed up, so you think you’re in love with me.”

  “I am in love with you.”

  “Haven’t you been listening? It’s programming, not love.”

  “What’s the difference?”

  “Programming is compulsion. You don’t have any choice about it.”

  “So being in love is a choice?”

  “What? No, look. What I’m saying is that you don’t even know me. You don’t even know my name.”

  “I know that Rex calls you Sasha. And sometimes Samantha. Or Sabrina. Or Sandy. But I prefer Mistress Ono, because that is the name I heard when I first heard your voice. I will never forget that moment, Mistress Ono.”

  “Okay, but that doesn’t have anything to do with me. I just happened to be the first person you saw. If you hadn’t fallen on top of me, you’d be in love with Rex.”

  “But I’m not in love with Rex. I’m in love with you.”

  “You’re not in love with me!”

  “You just said that I was.”

  “I was just saying… Look, the point is, what you’re calling ‘love’ is completely arbitrary. It’s just a switch that’s been thrown in your brain. It doesn’t have anything to do with me or my personality, or even my appearance. It’s just a completely—”

  “Mistress Ono, I apologize for interrupting, but there is a poem that I believe accurately expresses my sentiments. Would you like to hear it? It was written by a man whose name was also Bill.”

  “Sure, Bill. Why not?”

  Bill stretched out his arms and raised his chin to gaze skyward. He began:

  My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;

  Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;

  If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;

  If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.

  I have seen roses damasked, red and white,

  But no such roses see I in her cheeks;

  And in some perfumes is there more delight

  Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.

  I love to hear her speak, yet well I know

  That music hath a far more pleasing sound;

  I grant I never saw a goddess go;

  My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.

  And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare

  As any she belied with false compare.

  When he’d finished, he let his arms fall to his side and turned to face me, his expressionless face nevertheless saying too much.

  “I’m going to go back inside now,” I said.

  “As you wish, Mistress Ono.”

  *****

  In the morning, we got on the road again. Karl gave Rex a spare SLOP packet and a handful of strawberries.

  “Much obliged, Karl,” said Rex. “Good luck with your illicit agricultural endeavors.”

  Karl nodded. “Safe travels. Try not to get crushed by any giant robots.”

  We weren’t far down the road when Karl came running after us. We stopped to face him. “There’s a woman in Yurgville named Reba Fennec. I’ve never had any dealings with her myself, but I hear she has connections to smugglers. She might be able to get you off Jorfu.”

  “Yurgville?�
��

  “About twenty clicks down the road. Can’t miss it.”

  *****

  Karl was right; it was impossible to miss Yurgville. It was what passed for a major city on Jorfu: a mass of randomly oriented and poorly designed squarish buildings clustered in the floor of a valley like a set of child’s blocks on an area rug that had been picked up by its corners. We got there just before nightfall.

  I convinced Bill to wait outside the city, as a MASHER following us around Yurgville would likely draw unwanted attention—and by now, if anyone at Ubiqorp was still looking for us, they probably knew about Bill. Rex and I went into town. I played lookout while Rex asked around about Reba Fennec. He had no luck, and we were about to head back to rendezvous with Bill and plot our next move when we were accosted by a rough-looking man in an alley who drew a lazepistol on us. Rex and I, now well-versed in this drill, put our hands up.

  “Word is, you guys is asking around for Reba Fennec,” the man said.

  “That’s right,” Rex said.

  “What you want with Reba?”

  “My friend and I are in a spot of trouble. Need to get off world. Somebody told us Reba was the person to talk to.”

  The man stared at us for some time. “Nobody gets off Jorfu,” he said at last.

  “If it’s all the same to you,” Rex said, “I’d like to talk to Reba about that.”

  He stared some more. I was beginning to think Rex had stumped him when he said, “Go to Charlie’s Barber Shop. Ask for Vic. Tell him Dax told you to tell him to take you to Reba.”

  Rex turned to me. “You got that, Sandy?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  The man grunted and disappeared down the alley. Rex and I made our way to Charlie’s Barber Shop. Soon we found ourselves blindfolded and sitting in the back of a hovercar. We rode for nearly half an hour, and city streets gave way to highway and then bumpy gravel roads. I was beginning to think Rex and I were being taken outside the city where we could be disposed of, but then we were hustled out of the car and into a building. The blindfolds were yanked off and we found ourselves in what seemed to be a large warehouse with a concrete floor. A frumpy, pear-shaped woman sat on a metal chair a few steps away. Next to her was a large man in a suit holding a lazegun. A single light bulb over the woman’s head illuminated a small area of the building.