“Maybe it will…I don’t know. I have to go.”
“Okay, sweetheart.” She sounded happier, most likely because I said the word “maybe” and stopped fighting. I knew she wanted grandchildren and it was up to me to provide them. That’s the drawbacks of being an only child. Who knew I’d ever consider having kids. I never wanted them and always made damn sure I never had a surprise pregnancy, yet I wanted to know what a baby face would look like with Jason’s strong cheekbones and maybe my smile. Ugh, what was happening to me?
I put my cell phone on the desk and surfed the TV channels for something to watch. I clicked on one of my favorite shows and laid back in my bed. The show was over a decade old, but its jokes were timeless. No matter how many times I watched it, I still laughed at the same punchlines.
***
My phone wouldn’t stop ringing and now it was buzzing, forcing me to wake up. I must’ve fallen asleep after watching one too many episodes. It took me a minute to gather myself and get my cell. With it in hand, I sat on the foot of the bed and looked at the phone’s face.
Mom: Tried 2 call. Your dad is getting worse. He’s back in the hospital. The doctors might have to involve hospice. Not looking good, baby.
I stared blankly at my phone. Was it true? Was my father actually dying? My mouth went dry at the thought.
What was I supposed to do with that knowledge? Go to the hospital and wait, or stay home?
Me: What should I do?
Mom: If u want to say good-bye I’d go to the hospital.
Me: Okay, I think I will.
Mom: I’m sorry, baby. I love u.
Me: Love u 2.
I sat on my bed, numb. I never thought that my father would lose his battle with cancer. I never thought I’d actually have to say good-bye, not now.
Fear washed over me. I didn’t want to go alone, and I had no siblings to call. Damn being an only child!
I didn’t want to bother Amelia. Her class project was due in two days. I had no other friends I trusted with this.
No one except…Jason.
But I never wanted Jason to see this part of me, the side that was weak, scared, and broken. It was either Jason or face the music solo. My stomach was in knots. Both sounded like a death sentence to me.
I’m selfish. My father was dying and I was worried about Jason judging me.
I broke down and texted him. I asked him for a favor, hoping he’d be too busy with homework to respond. He replied within a minute.
Jason: A favor? 4 u anything.
Bless his soul. He probably was thinking of something kinky.
Me: Can u take me 2 the hospital?
Jason: U sick?
Me: No, my father.
Jason: Oh, sure thing. Coming over now.
Me: Thx.
My chest felt tight, like a hand was inside me, twisting all my organs. I managed to stand and wander to my dresser. My reflection in the mirror revealed all the unshed tears in my blue eyes.
It was no use. I couldn’t put makeup on, not when I was probably going to cry sometime during the day. I was wearing a simple blank tank top and jeans, like I was going to the mall, like nothing was wrong.
Jason knocked on my door and I exited, not letting him step inside. I didn’t want to wait any longer. I needed the pain to be over, like a Band-Aid I needed to pull off fast.
The radio softly whispered, but no words were spoken for the entire car ride. It was as if Jason knew I wasn’t ready to talk about my father yet.
It wasn’t until I stood outside the glass doors of the hospital that I finally spoke. “I’m scared.”
Jason took my hand, squeezing it. “Your dad is going to pull through.” He gave me a smile. The boy had no idea what was going on. I hadn’t told him everything.
“There’s something I never told you,” I said quietly, turning my back on the building.
“What?” His silver eyes were like stars. I wanted to hide in them.
“My father has gotten worse. They don’t think he’ll make it. The doctors are thinking of putting him into hospice care.”
“Oh, Syd.” Jason took me in his arms, hugging me tightly. Normally I didn’t like to be hugged, especially if it felt like it was out of pity, but Jason’s hug warmed me. It was out of love.
Tears fell down my cheeks onto Jason’s shirt. I pushed him away. “Let’s go in before I lose all my nerve.”
Jason nodded, taking my hand. “I’m here for you.”
I smiled. “I know, thank you. I don’t think I could handle this alone.”
With one last squeeze, Jason led me into the hospital. I was choking on my tears. Jason had to tell the front desk receptionist who we were visiting.
A nurse in blue scrubs smiled at me with that sad smile. “Who are you looking for?”
We were on the fifth floor and couldn’t find the room number my father was in.
“Mr. West,” Jason replied.
“Oh, yes…Follow me.” The tone of her voice said it all. My father was dying.
You should be happy. You never wanted a dad anyway.
I forced the morbid thoughts away as the nurse took us to an isolated room. It was a room to get comfortable in and prepare to meet Death.
Jason had to give me a gentle push inside. I moved the curtain and saw what was left of my father on a blinding white hospital bed. He laid there, limp, like a doll…no, worse, like a noodle. Machines were making him breathe and were telling his heart to pump.
My God, how could this happen to someone? My father was mean, but no one deserves this.
The doctor walked in behind us. “You must be his daughter. I’m Doctor Ross.” We shook hands. “Your father slipped into a coma about an hour ago. We’re doing as much as we can for him.”
“Will he wake up?” Jason asked, trying to keep the air from going stiff.
“We’re not sure.”
Jason nodded. “Can he hear us?”
The doctor gave my father a grim look, the kind someone would give a dog who got hit by a car. “I’d like to think so. A lot of patients’ families talk to them and claim it helps.”
Out of the blue, I felt dizzy. Jason pulled a chair closer to me. I sat down, giving him half a smile. It was all I could manage.
The doctor talked some more, but I couldn’t hear him. My ears ached due to the shrill sound of the beeping machine. My eyes stung at the sight of the gray shell that was supposed to be my father. My nose burned as the overpowering smell of anesthetics hit me. I had to be dreaming. I loathed my father, but this was cruel. It was like my darkest wish had come true. No, it was coming true. Since my father ruined my childhood, I wished he would die, that he’d wither away, and there he was, doing just that. Guilt hung its hat on my head. How could I be such an evil person?
Doctor Ross was paged away, leaving us alone. Jason sat on the arm of my chair, keeping his arm around my shoulders. He was silent for a heartbeat and then cleared his throat. “Why don’t you try talking to him?”
I wiped away a tear that escaped, looking at the body of a man I once knew. “What do I say?”
“Say whatever you want. Get things off your chest. He may not be able to reply, but he can hear you.”
“Okay,” I said, sniffing.
“Here, I’ll move your chair closer.” I stood up and Jason moved my chair right next to my father’s side. He patted the top of it for me, as if preparing me to sit down in a rollercoaster when what I was really doing was struggling to say my last words to my comatose father.
“Do you want me to go outside? I’ll stay in the hallway if you need me.”
I looked up at Jason. He scanned my father with his silver eyes. Who knew what was going on inside Jason’s head? “No, you can stay. I don’t want to be alone.”
He nodded. “All right, I’m here.” Jason sat on the arm of my chair. His face grew somber, as if he’d turned into a silent protector. Maybe he was Batman, or perhaps I was truly insane.
I bit my bottom lip and
reached out for my father’s hand, but I didn’t touch him. He was too thin. If I made contact, he’d probably turn to dust. For years, I wanted to scream rants at him, but now I didn’t know how to start. My tongue was tied and my nerves were shot.
Jason gently rubbed circles on my back. “It’s okay, Syd. Say whatever’s on your mind. This is for you, not him.”
“You’re right.” I sat up straighter and looked at the doll-like face that was supposed to be my parent, my protector. “Dad, I’m sorry this happened to you. You don’t deserve this, but what you did to Mom and me wasn’t deserved either. All you did was bring anger and sadness into our home. I heard my mom cry more times than I can count when she thought I was asleep. You woke me up on school nights as you slammed cabinets and the fridge door after coming home drunk or high or whatever the hell you did when you didn’t come home.” I paused. My body was shaking from grief, anger…all my built up emotions were hitting me at once.
Jason wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “You’re doing good. Keep going if you want or we—”
“I’m fine,” I said to Jason, patting his hand so he’d let me go. He stood and walked over to the window, but never left.
I blinked my stinging eyes. The tears were unstoppable. “You had two jobs. Take care of your wife and your child, and you failed. My mom’s heart is broken thanks to you. I’m fucked up thanks to you!” I pounded my fist on the bed, making his body move a little.
Jason pulled me away, holding me against the back of the chair. “Syd, only use your words.”
“Okay,” I said softly. He released me and stood at the foot of the bed, as if waiting for me to freak out again.
I let out a shaky breath. “I wish you could reply, but it doesn’t matter. I know what you’d say. You’d come up with excuses. Claim you couldn’t be a good dad since you didn’t have one and your mom was in and out of the hospital while trying to handle working two jobs. Your life sucked, but so did Mom’s. She didn’t have good parents either and yet she was always there when I was in a school play, when I cut my knee, when I woke up on Christmas morning. But where were you? You never did school things with me. You came to one Girl Scout event and only bragged about your camper.” I licked my lips and looked over at Jason. He gave me a small smile.
“You…” I closed my eyes and took a few seconds to compose myself. Jason sat down on the arm of my chair again, but didn’t say anything. “Dad, you said you’d be there when I had boyfriends and you’d grill them and scare them with your baseball bat. I laughed at that when I was little. You were my hero when I was five, but then you slipped up over and over and somehow turned into the villain.” I grabbed Jason’s hand, holding it tightly. “I have someone I love now and you can’t meet him. You’ll never know what he’s like, how I found a good man that is nothing like you and I’m proud about that. If we have kids, I know he—”
I broke down. It was too much. I said too much. My heart hurt too much. I was saying crazy things. Why was I talking about kids? I didn’t even know if Jason wanted kids.
“Baby, you’re okay. I’m here.” Jason nudged me up and pulled the chair away from my father. The chair made a thud against the wall. Jason sat in my chair and motioned for me to join him. I curled myself onto his lap like a cat. “Shh,” he said, patting my hair back. “Let it out, Syd. Releasing your pain is a good thing.”
I raised my head and looked at the still body. Part of me was pissed I couldn’t have a full conversation with him, but another part was relieved to say the words out loud after all this time.
“How can this be? How can this man be the one who laughed at me when I tripped in the backyard? This can’t be the father who made death threats to my mom and made our lives a living hell. This is just a body, just something to take up space.” My voice cracked.
This couldn’t be real. It’s a nightmare. I’m not capable of handling this.
“Shh…” Jason whispered again, pulling me in closer.
“He always had weights in his room that he’d use when he got up in the morning, right after having his black coffee. Then he’d usually come home drunk, yelling at my mom. How can this be him? Jason, I don’t understand—”
Jason forced my head into his chest, trying to soothe me and make me stop all my ranting. I gave in and listened to Jason’s heartbeat. I could also hear the machines keeping my father alive.
“I know, Syd. Life doesn’t make sense,” he said, hugging me tightly as if trying to take away all my sorrow. His hands felt so good on my body. He made me feel loved, cared for, things I never felt with any man before, something my father should’ve taught me.
My broken heart bled in my chest. My father was a lot of things, but he was good sometimes. We’d eat popsicles together and watch The Dukes of Hazzard. We played video games and watched sci-fi movies together and my mom would pass by, wondering why we liked those dumb things.
Tears trickled down my cheeks. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this. You can’t—”
“Don’t you apologize to me. I’m honored you can trust me with this, that I’m someone you depend on. That’s all I wanted,” he said, rubbing gentle circles on my back.
“You wanted me to have a breakdown?” I asked, not bothering to lift my head from his shoulder.
He made a noise that sounded like a laugh. “No, I only wanted you to open up to me, to trust me.”
“I do trust you.” I kissed his lips. They were so soft, so sweet.
Jason held me close. I fell asleep listening to his heartbeat. If having all my weight on him was uncomfortable, Jason didn’t show it. All he did was whisper sweet nothings into my ear. My dreams were bleak, full of white noise and horrible images of decay.
Chapter Eighteen
Loud beeping noises and voices awakened me. Nurses in dark blue scrubs were everywhere, like a wave of bodies. I slid off of Jason’s lap and rubbed the sleep from my eyes.
The once silent room was now alive with activity, as if all the worker bees had come home to their hive. Doctor Ross stood out in his white coat. As he called out for things, nurses and interns scrambled to get them.
Jason stood up and jumped to the left when an intern rushed by. I moved next to him, my back pressed against his chest. A nurse with black hair tied into a bun shooed us away from the bed. “You don’t need to witness this,” she said.
“Wh—what’s going on?” I tried to see past the wave of blue scrubs, but they were a human wall.
I stood on my tiptoes and saw Doctor Ross standing over my father. The intern who pushed past us moved the crash cart to him. He grabbed the paddles, and the blonde nurse doing chest compressions on my father stepped back. Doctor Ross shouted “clear” and everyone moved away. There was a sharp thunk as the paddles met my father’s chest. His body leaped up like a fish out of water from the shock reaching his heart, but the machine continued to wail.
The nurse with the bun stood her ground. “You don’t—”
“I just want to see…” I said, looking around the people so I could see my father lying lifeless on the bed.
“Still in V-fib,” said an intern, looking at the machine’s screen.
“Push another Epi and charge again to two hundred,” Doctor Ross shouted.
“Charging,” replied the intern. My father’s body was shocked again, but still there was no heartbeat on the monitor. I saw enough episodes of Grey’s Anatomy to know my father had died, but yet it wasn’t registering.
“You need to step outside,” the nurse said firmly. She held her arms out as if we were playing basketball and she was trying to stop me from passing.
Jason tugged on my wrist, taking me toward the door. “Come on, Syd. I’ll buy you some coffee.” He wrapped his arm around my waist to make sure I tagged along.
I allowed Jason to escort me out of the room, but the hallway was a different story.
“I was fine. I wasn’t in anyone’s way. Let’s go back. We can stand in the doorway. I need to know what happened.” I pu
lled my hand away from him. My father was slipping away and I felt like I needed to be there, as if my presence would do some kind of good.
Jason kicked the floor, making his shoe squeak. “Your father flat-lined, Syd. Just let them do their job and they’ll tell you—”
“I know how hospitals work.”
He took ahold of my arm, pulling me down the hall. “Let’s just go get coffee and then come back.”
“My father’s dying and you think I need coffee?” I snapped, yanking my arm free. “You can’t stop me.” I turned back to the room.
“Sydney, you can’t go in there! Do you want your last memory of him to be like this?” He wrapped his arms around me, pressing me into his chest.
The fight within me evaporated. Exhaustion filled my body. I was tired of the battle. I didn’t know I was crying until I lifted my head and saw two wet spots on Jason’s shirt.
“S—sorry,” I slurred.
Jason kissed my forehead. “Don’t worry about it. Let’s go get something to drink. It will keep your mind off things.”
I nodded, giving into him. If it wasn’t for one of his arms around my hips and the other on my back, I’d be on the ground, unable to move. I thought my icy heart was my biggest problem, but not after today. Never have I been hit with sorrow, denial, grief, panic, and guilt one after the other in the same day. My emotions were overwhelmed and burnt out. Soon I’d be numb to everything.
“I’m here, Syd. You can cry if you want to,” he said, curling a piece of my dirty blonde hair around his fingers.
Most of my weight was on Jason as we walked down the hallway to the elevator. A little girl with light brown curls looked at me as she stepped out of the elevator. Her big green eyes were full of wonder, and I wished I could be like her, innocent, not knowing what life was like. The girl’s mother held her hand and took her around the corner. Jason gently touched my lower back.
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