A Journey Deep

by Beth Reason

  Chapter 19

  I stepped out of the shower and toweled off. My holo beeped again and I sighed. Yes, yes, I'm coming Christophe. We were already running late, but I had to shower. I just had to. The morning's workout was extra brutal of my own design, my mind needing the distraction of physical pain. It made for a cleansing of the mind, but no way to go to a meeting. I had to take the time for a shower, and Christophe would be grateful for it.

  I dressed as quickly as possible and opened the bathroom door. Ashnahta was standing facing the tinted window, looking at her reflection. The front of her uniform was open and she stood fingering the healing mark from the respiratory implant. In order to complete the procedure, one of her gems had been removed. It was that she mourned more than the mark. Though she hadn't spoken of it in the three weeks since, I knew it bothered her deeply. I think the loss of something she considered sacred put a new focus on her situation. She lost her home. She would never get to be Primary. She would never live the life she planned to live. I knew just how that felt and did my very best to give her support, but she had a very difficult time letting me.

  When she first woke from the surgery and realized the gem was gone, her entire being crumpled. He did not tell me, she had raged inside. Heartbreaking, torn. It was enough to bring me to tears, to want to march up to the bot and disassemble him on the spot. And then, just like that, she shut it off. Maybe she felt my reaction. Maybe she felt the pain too deep.

  I stopped in the doorway and watched her. More and more she was closed off. More and more I was closed off. I don't think it was intentional so much as us being products of our environment. Now that the Bradley bot could speak Qitani, and Christophe made a point to discourage inspeaking as much as possible, we naturally used oral communication more and more. She didn't see my reflection in the window, didn't hear me open the door, didn't feel my presence. So I stood there and watched. Her face wasn't sad or angry, just...curious.

  I am uneven.

  Her thought made me jump. So she did know I was there. I tried to console her. It doesn't matter.

  No. I suppose no longer. I do not need to tell the world who I am. She slowly zipped up her shirt. Just like that, the connection was lost again. I clenched my jaw and wanted to get right back on the treadmill. "Let us meet with Christophe."

  Ashnahta was not allowed to travel the halls of Utopia as I was. In fact, she had three places she was allowed to go: our ward, Reginald's office suite after business hours, and Reginald's private observatory that was off limits to anyone else. Basically, the only places where it could be assured that no one else would see her. She had been to Reginald's office, but had yet to visit the observatory. When I brought it up, she felt apprehensive for some reason and the subject was dropped.

  We got into the elevator only we were allowed to use now and went straight up to Reginald's office suite. The only guard allowed on our ward stepped out and made sure all was clear before ushering us forward. For a fraction of a second, I could feel Ashnahta's fear.

  I tried to calm her. It will be fine.

  Do not pretend. I told you I have no interest in doing this.

  Think of it as a diplomatic mission.

  I am no queen. It is no longer my job.

  The internal door slammed. Hard. My frustration felt like it would bubble over. That's what it had been like for weeks, a growing distance, a pain from something she wouldn't discuss. "Fine," I said out loud. "Then think of it as a favor to me." I didn't give her time to answer. I yanked open the suite door and waited for her to walk through. I could feel the stab of iciness she shot me, and felt my own anger go back at her. Silly. Ridiculous. Unnecessary and...and I was helpless to stop it.

  "You are late," said Christophe from the couch. "We believed you may have chickened out."

  "Chicken?" Ashnahta tried the foreign word out.

  "A small, flightless bird that...oh, never mind," Reginald said with a wave. "It's an expression that means you're scared. That's all."

  He always offended Ashnahta. He didn't mean to. He just did not understand certain things about her culture. I saw Christophe cringe.

  "I'm sorry we're late," I said quickly to smooth over the tension. "It's my fault. I had a long work out and needed a shower."

  Reginald motioned us in. "No matter. I ran late on a conference myself. Come. The others are already waiting."

  Ashnahta shot me an uncertain look.

  It's okay. I promise. It didn't matter how annoyed with her I might have been. She was insecure. And that was a feeling she did not wear well.

  Christophe frowned at me. More and more he was picking up on our inspeaking. I'm not sure if he knew what we were saying, but he always knew when we were doing it. He said nothing, though, and I think he probably assumed I was smoothing over Reginald's slight at Ashnahta's character.

  We went to the pretty dining room filled with crystal. Everyone was already in there, even Marlon. And they were all waiting. I felt their eyes. Of the group in front of us, only Ralph had met Ashnahta. Jillian gasped out loud at the sight, but quickly covered with a pretend cough. Marlon openly stared, but gave her a cocky little wink that set my teeth on edge. Dr. Karl stood and bowed and then looked and then bowed again, unsure of what to do. Lynette just stared.

  Reginald clapped his hands in the doorway behind us, making us all jump. "Great! Now that we're all here..." He called for the service to begin and motioned us to sit. He did not have us together. In fact, he placed me in the friendly zone next to himself and Christophe, and to my dismay, Ashnahta was all the way at the other end of the table next to Jillian and across from Lynette. Marlon was at the head of the table. At the time I thought it was odd, but it turns out he had a leg shackled and that was the only place to do it properly. "Reggie was just making a point," Ralph said later.

  When I saw the seating plan, I tried to change it. "I think maybe I should trade places with..."

  "Sit down, Jake," Reginald said, friendly, but firmly. Anger flared at him. He was trying to make this difficult. He was trying to push us, to push her. I sat down hard on my chair.

  I'm right here. I don't know if she was open to me or not, but I kept projecting that, daring Christophe to tell me to stop. He quirked and eyebrow but said nothing.

  "I'm sorry, dear, but I just have to tell you that I think your skin tone is simply amazing," Jillian gushed, breaking the silence.

  "Thanks are given." I noticed Ashnahta was trying very hard to pronounce the words correctly. I smiled to myself. So it did matter what these people thought, in spite of what she'd been saying all week.

  "It's just the most beautiful shade." Jillian shook her head, frowning. "I'm truly sorry. I had no idea of your coloring when I designed that uniform. I see it will not do, not at all. Yellow? My dear, please forgive that horrible choice."

  Ralph snorted into his glass, and I bit my cheek to keep from laughing. Of all the crimes against common sense in the name of uniforms Jillian committed, it was the color yellow of Ashnahta's that she felt warranted an apology? I struggled to keep from laughing.

  And then two things happened that did not make me want to laugh at all. Marlon blurted out, "My favorite color is yellow," and then Lynette kicked him under the table. I'm sure of it. And frankly, I wouldn't have minded a bit if her reasoning was the same as mine. I didn't like the way Marlon was looking at Ashnahta. Lynette? I got the distinct impression that she simply did not want anyone liking Ashnahta at all. I clenched my jaw.

  "Relax, Jacob," said Christophe so quietly I'm not sure if he actually spoke the words out loud or not.

  Marlon glared at Lynette. "What? It's true. You know I like yellow."

  Ashnahta was assessing Marlon. I could almost feel her searching his mind. She gets a particular look on her face when she does that. Christophe noticed, and perhaps Ralph. I doubt the others picked it up. Her expression changed, just slightly, and I knew she was amused at something she found. It made my jaw tighten more.


  "Blue, I think," said Jillian. "Do you normally dress in blue?"

  Ashnahta turned to her and thought of her answer fully before she spoke. "How I dressed on Laak'sa is not to be considered. You have not the materials or the immodesty necessary."

  Ralph gave a laugh at the answer. "You got that right! At least the immodesty part."

  Jillian frowned. "I don't understand."

  "Blue would be fine," I said a little more loudly than I meant. It was already going terribly. I glanced at Ralph's drink. He caught my look and shook his head with a mocking little smile.

  "Blue is an acceptable coloring," confirmed Ashnahta. She was assessing Jillian then, but only gave her a cursory check. I knew what that meant. Jillian was written off as no one of importance to her. She turned then to Dr. Karl, but it was my mind she was searching for the right words. "The machine doctor told me of help from you for my itch. Thanks are given."

  Dr. Karl beamed. "It was nothing at all. A little old fashioned aloe and a touch of monodisodium..." Ralph's groan cut the doctor off. He cleared his throat. "Yes, well, I won't bore you with the details. You are very welcome. I trust there are no side effects?"

  Ashnahta turned to me. "No," I answered for her. "None." I explained to her what he meant. She agreed.

  The food was served. I noticed that they took extra care to offer her only the foods I told them she liked. Christophe got my attention and brought up something Reginald wanted to talk about. I was wrapped up in that conversation for awhile, but then slowly began to feel an animosity prickle my senses. It was coming from the other end of the table. I glanced down. Lynette was not eating, and neither was Ashnahta. They were staring at each other.

  Glaring, actually.

  Marlon was babbling on and on, trying to gain Ashnahta's attentions. Jillian and Dr. Karl kept asking questions, or chatting. Lynette would answer, Ashnahta would answer. But neither would stop glaring at the other and answered in clipped tones with quick answers. I sighed.

  My head began to throb. What's the problem?

  I was a little surprised when she actually answered. I do not like this one.

  Lynette's fine. She means well.

  I should not like to continue to see her at my table.

  It dawned on me then that Ashnahta actually felt threatened. I couldn't help the stunned amusement I felt.

  You would laugh at this situation?

  You have nothing to fear from Lynette.

  Her eyes narrowed slightly. Of course I do not. She would be easy to break.

  Lynette turned towards me so suddenly I felt as if she somehow knew what we were saying. "I haven't seen you much since we got back, Jake. We'll have to catch up soon."

  She said it as if she hadn't been completely free to come see me any time she chose. I didn't know how to reply. "Uh, yeah. You can stop in anytime."

  "I will. I'd love to fill you in on my latest project."

  "Oh? What's that?"

  "Didn't you hear? I'm getting one of the new Condors."

  I heard someone drop a fork.

  What is this new Condor? Ashnahta demanded.

  A ship.

  For jumps?

  No. Galaxy explorations. Like ours was.

  Tell your primary to give her one that jumps. Far away.

  I ignored her rude comment. "No, I hadn't heard," I said out loud.

  "Lynette," came Christophe's warning tone.

  But it was Reginald who pressed the subject. "Yep. Our girl here is going to lead one of the first approved family missions."

  Marlon was as stunned as I was. "You're what?!"

  Lynette sighed. "Calm down, Marlon. You've always known I've planned on leading a mission some day."

  Marlon threw his fork down and shoved at his plate. "You're still a child."

  She scoffed. "For heaven's sake. First, I reach my majority just next week."

  "So? You're still too young."

  "And second," she continued, ignoring his outburst. "It won't be for another year yet."

  "Oh, right. Because nineteen is so mature," he said in a mocking tone. The news had cut him, hard. I felt bad for him.

  "Marlon, it's a position she's earned," said Reginald. "I have every confidence that..."

  "Screw your confidence!" he shouted.

  "Mr. Donnely, you're here as a guest," said Christophe in a warning tone.

  He gave a harsh laugh. "A guest? Please. I'm here because for your little social experiment to put the Qitani in the hot seat."

  Ashnahta's eyebrows shot up.

  "Yeah, didn't you figure it out? This little dinner is to entertain the bored millionaire."

  I could feel Reginald's anger radiate. "Marlon, consider your words carefully."

  Marlon was beyond that. He was angry, he was hurt. He was stunned and panicked at the idea of losing Lynette, and he was lashing out. I doubt he could have stopped even if he wanted to. "What's the matter, Reggie? Afraid of the truth? Come on, we're not all chumps ya know. Why else would we be here? Hm? Let's all gather around and see how she handles herself in a den filled with gawking, staring lions."

  Ashnahta didn't understand the references, but she did understand the overall idea.

  "Come on, don't get yourself in more trouble," I pleaded.

  "What more is he going to do to me, Jake? Huh?" He gave a laugh. "He's already got me locked up. He's already made sure I'll never get a decent job outside. Now he's taken away my sister and signed her up to be a whore for science."

  "Marlon!" Lynette screamed.

  Reginald stood. Christophe moved and gave us the warning to do the same. "Perhaps we should take dessert in the observatory and let the family issues be hashed out in private."

  Ashnahta rose quickly. She had enough of dinner with the people and I could feel she did not even want dessert.

  "Screw dessert, I'm going to the bar," said Reginald before he stormed out. Christophe followed.

  Ralph swore. "Come on Jilly, Karl. Let's go see if we can tie a good enough one on to forget this night." They didn't look like they wanted to "tie one on", but they also didn't want to stay, so they followed suit. I made to leave, but Lynette asked me to stay. Ashnahta ordered me not to. In the mood I was in, it was the wrong thing to do.

  I let her know where I stood. I don't want to go back to the ward.

  Then come to the observatory you have attempted to get me to.

  No.

  I could feel her anger, now at me. Then I will go. And you can just...

  No words were necessary to tell me just what it was I could do as she stormed off. Lynette's eyes flashed with a quick smugness.

  "Well?" I asked, disgusted with the lot of them.

  "Yeah. Well?" repeated Marlon. Solidarity.

  Lynette took a breath. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Marlon. My name was submitted and we were waiting for approval. I'm to lead Condor X-77, containing five potential parent sets and thirty support staff."

  "Potential parent sets," Marlon said flatly.

  "Yes."

  "Have all the ships been assigned, then?" Marlon could worry about his sister remaining young and innocent forever. I didn't give a crap about that. I hadn't heard anything about the new Condor assignments and in my head, I was promised one. Reginald even shook on it months ago.

  "Yes. The preliminary crews have been approved."

  And I heard nothing about it. My hand clenched into a fist.

  "It's been in the works for a long time, Jake. Reggie was just waiting to be able to pull the trigger."

  "So who's the lucky man whore that they 'assigned' to you?" Marlon's words didn't even come close to matching the deep level of bitterness I could see in his eyes.

  Lynette looked crushed. "Marlon I really, really want this. I've always wanted this."

  "But at what cost? Damnit, Lynette! What about having some time out of your contract to just be you for awhile? Why are you so quick to throw away any other kind of life?"

  She sco
ffed. "Did you see me on Earth, Marlon? Hm? Oh, that's right. You were too busy helping your little friend figure out the very best way to royally screw us over. I forgot. Well, let me fill you in on what you missed. As soon as we got back there, I became our mother. Tempt me with the parties and the booze and the drugs and I caved faster than..." her voice choked off in tears.

  "Aw, Lynnie," said Marlon with more caring than I thought he had. "It's not your fault. It's his," he said, nodding to me.

  "Thanks," I said flatly.

  "All the buzz they gave around him and people shoving all the crap at you..."

  Lynette wouldn't have it. "No. It's my own fault. And I've known it forever, Marlon. I always have. My life isn't there. It never was. My life is to go out there, to find new places and new people and teach them everything about us. That's my life, not just a job. Not just an assignment. It's what I really, really want to do. We've been over this for years."

  He sighed, knowing he wouldn't win that old familiar argument. "Fine. But does that mean you have to do it by popping out space babies to whoever they hook you up with?"

  She made a noise and wrinkled her nose. "Don't make it something crass. Don't turn it into something wrong. If I was on Earth I'd be starting to look for a partner, starting to set up my adult life, wouldn't I? This isn't any different."

  "Don't fool yourself. It's a contract, Lynnie. It's not you flitting around, dating, sampling until you find someone that you choose. It's hopping into bed with whoever they choose."

  She turned to me for support. "Jake, can you please explain to Marlon?"

  She was looking for support from the wrong quarter. I was too angry with her. Maybe unreasonably, I'll admit that now. It wasn't her fault I didn't get my own Condor assignment. She was simply the one in front of me. I would have loved to get my hands on Reginald right then. I would have loved to beat the tar out of him for promising me a ship when he knew damn well I'd never get one...for designing a system that could rope immature innocents like Lynette into it...for throwing a dinner where he hoped it would come out and put everyone on the spot for his own entertainment.

  I would have loved to get to Ralph right then. Yes, my closest friend Ralph who must have known, who once again said nothing. He was supposed to look out for me, to push for my interests. And where was here? Since we hit Earth, he was right under Reginald's thumb, that's where. And he stayed there.

  I would have loved to get my hands on Christophe. I thought we had some connection. Right from the start, I honestly thought we did. Where was he? He gave me no warning, and he allowed them to put Ashnahta through an awful dinner.

  Jillian? Don't even get me started! How could anyone be so offensive and not know it? I think the doddering old lady act might just be an excuse to say whatever she likes whenever she wants to.

  Not that Ashnahta didn't deserve a good argument herself. It had been far too long since we had one and it had built for weeks.

  It was that thought that made me push back my chair and stand. "Sorry, Lynette. You made the decision without asking for the opinions of your friends, you can go ahead and defend it by yourself, too."

  She was shocked. "Jake! I thought you of all people would understand!"

  I had to give her that. "Oh, I understand, all right. And good for you. Really. Getting your own ship at your age is a big accomplishment. You should be very glad they turn a blind eye where their pets are concerned."

  It was an awful thing to say. I was angry all the way around, angry with how she treated Ashnahta, and I lashed out at her. The words hit their mark. Her eyes filled with angry tears and she turned away. Marlon gave me a little nod. I wasn't trying to team up with him. I wasn't even trying to prove his point. I was just...being an angry ass, that's what. I had to get out of there. I turned and left, slamming the door behind me.

  I took a breath in the hall and heard Lynette's voice yelling behind the door, and Marlon's right back in response. I didn't want to hear any more. I had my own trouble inside to settle. She said she was going to the observatory. I pushed off the wall and stormed down the hallway.

  I swiped my card and stormed in. She was standing at the very edge of the room, right against the thick glass of the dome. The lights were out and the dome wasn't tinted, letting us fully see the dull red of the last rays of sunlight highlighting the bleak landscape.

  Your world is so ugly.

  "It's not my world."

  No. You don't have a world, do you, Jake? I thought you did. I thought to myself always that somewhere was Jake's planet. But you really live on rocks, don't you?

  She was sad. I could feel the depths of her sadness. It was the first time in weeks she let me really feel it, and my heart broke for her. My anger was gone, just like that. I walked up and stood with her, looking over the terrain. She was right. It was ugly. Ugly and stark and dry and cold and lonely and...and perhaps the exact opposite of everything she had ever known.

  "I am not sorry," she said out loud in Qitani. "I am not sorry I did what I did."

  Why? Why are you here? I didn't have to say all the parts of that question. She knew. She had known since she woke all those weeks ago that it was the one question I needed her to answer. Until that night, she wouldn't. Or maybe, maybe she just couldn't. Maybe it was too much. She explained then, in her words and her feelings, using inspeaking to fill in the gaps.

  "I was just a little child when you entered our system. I was barely old enough for memories." I knew, though, because I could feel it, too. Everything was different. With ones who feel the universe, the slightest change is huge. "But we did not really feel the whole universe, did we? Because we would know about you already if we did." How stupid, is it not? How grand. How pompous. We feel the universe? We are just specks, just like you.

  "One day the feeling was panic. Just like that. All of a sudden, a ripple through the Ehkin." And through us, because of them. Our eyes and ears, our allies. And they took you in, accepted you without question. Without thought. "Their fear was about our retaliation, not your presence." We are not forgiving. You know this. And they are traitors in our eyes.

  "Morhal and Ta'al planned your destruction." Every man and any child, with capture for the viable females. Slaughter, as was the protocol, the plan in case anyone dared get near us. The Ehkin could not be a threat. If they lived, there was always the chance that others did, too. "But Klan'dha stepped in." The Ehkin assured her there were so many things to be learned from your humans. Already they had given medicines to help the Ehkin with a fungi outbreak.

  I vaguely remembered that. Some kind of antibiotic ointment that one of our crew rubbed on the sensitive skin of one of the Ehkin elders. I was young myself, but I remembered the welcome we got after that. And how thrilled they were when we discovered some native plant life that could be used for a similar purpose.

  "Not even Morhal is free from the Main Goal." To leave the life having instilled more value than existed before. To better the life for the Qitan. "Ta'al convinced her the knowledge of your family would be a greater contribution than any in history." And it will be. She was absolutely correct in that. And Morhal will get the credit. How sad for Ta'al, no?

  "So the plan was altered. The protocol itself changed. Capture, imprisonment. A trade, your lives for the information you could provide." Years of work, lives of work. Whole lifetimes worth, just there for the taking. "Morhal presented your mother with the options." Not your father. None of the males. It is still hard to understand a society where the useless males are in the lead.

  I didn't take offense. I had spent years hearing it.

  "On face, Eunice accepted." But we know now, don't we? How much more clever she is than Morhal! "But she put in her own requests." They seemed so reasonable. And Morhal is a stickler for reason. It wins above everything. "Morhal could see no danger. Your ship had no weapons and you were all weak. They could not run away if they wanted to." I could have crushed even the largest of your crew, and I was a mere child. />
  "Years of space travel does that," I said in defense.

  She gave a quick little smile, then continued her explanation. "You were the one trouble." You were to be the experimental subject. You were to have tests, to have examinations, to be put through trials to see how your weak body would handle it, and then you would be killed and studied. "Morhal approached Eunice with the idea." She could not understand why Eunice would be in such a rage. "He is worthless and no doubt a burden." I can remember Morhal saying those words to Ta'al and Klan'dha. "Eunice threatened to destroy the entire ship, the lifetime of information." Morhal relented, and gave you to my sisters as a pet. "But they did not want you, either. So I took you."

  She stopped then and just kept staring at the Martian expanse in front of us. I could hardly breathe. I wanted her to continue, desperately. I had to hear it all. I was afraid she was going to keep quiet, then she finally started speaking again.

  "And you were not unintelligent after all, to my surprise." Though no one else would believe me for years. Especially Morhal. "And I was very glad indeed that I got to keep you." She smiled and I felt a warmth spread through me. She continued. "Your star man, Xavier, approached Morhal with a deal."

  It was getting difficult for her to speak. I could feel her hesitation, how careful she was trying to be. She knew it would hurt me. And that bothered her. The knowledge felt like a bombshell. She'd never tried to spare my feelings on anything before. "Just tell me," I said quietly.

  Xavier offered Morhal a deal. He said we could have you in exchange for the freedom of the crew. He would leave Eunice, you, and your father. "Morhal thought herself clever. She pretended to agree with Xavier." She never would have let them leave. He was a traitor. He would not honor his position with your mother, he would not honor his own agreement with her. "She met with him for secret information."

  "I knew there was a reason I always hated that bastard!"

  "I believe Eunice knew." She started refusing to allow Xavier to come down, and when Morhal or Klan'dha would board the Condor, Xavier was never around. "And the whole time she worked her own plan." Your mother would make a great primary. Her name would inspire prayer.

  It was a heartfelt and surprising compliment, and oddly, it made me choke up.

  "Eunice had her own plans." You. Keeping you away. I did not understand. Not even when I left. "She sabotaged her whole life to send you away." It confused Morhal more than angered her. You were just a child, and a male child at that. Useless. Worthless. A woman of Eunice's intelligence and strength could not do something like that just for a child. "And one day you were gone. And then we knew." She tricked us. Tricked us all.

  "Even me," I said quietly.

  I know. That, you could not have kept from me. "I was put before the tribunal to answer to that." They were sure I knew, sure I helped. "I was forced to undergo absolute surrender."

  I gasped. On Laak'sa, it was a punishment worse than death. It meant that a person must allow themselves to be fully open, to allow a group of elders to search everything inside them, every memory, every secret, the deep, dark corners of personality that was their true self. It was a process so humiliating that most Qitani opted for death directly after. "Ashnahta..."

  She had to get it out and rushed ahead, blocking my words and my sympathy.

  "I was hiding nothing. They soon figured it out." But they knew me then. They knew my secrets. They knew the sides of me that should have remained my own. "A primary in training has never suffered such a humiliation." There was no protocol. No one knew if I could even stand for primary anymore. "The tribunal issued a censure against the crew of the Condor. Xavier was executed for his insubordination to your mother." Your mother requested he be pardoned. I still do not understand why she should do such a thing. "Your mother was taken to the prison, and your father was given the option of going with her or remaining with the crew." He chose Eunice. Again, a confusing human ideal to Morhal. On the Condor, he would have had some freedom, at least.

  But I understood. I understood what Eunice was feeling. "You cannot tell me you side with the humans, Morhal would say." For days she visited my rooms, trying to get answers for all she had seen in my surrender. Ta'al turned her back on me instantly. "I do not side with the humans, I understand them, I would tell her." I do not believe to this day she could see the difference.

  "After several weeks, a decision was finally made." I was to be primary, but Morhal would remain on the throne as secondary.

  I made some noise of shock, and Ashnahta gave a small laugh.

  "It is not unprecedented." And sharing a throne does not mean what you are thinking. The primary and secondary are not always a matched pair. "Besides, I was to be the seventh. I was to have a male match anyway."

  An odd law on Laak'sa was that every seventh primary had to take a male match as their partner. It stemmed from a male Qitani uprising many generations before, and was the concession the royalty made to keep the peace. One of the few concessions they ever made, as far as I could see. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that Ashnahta was that seventh, but as a kid and a human, the details hadn't mattered to me all that much.

  "Ta'al was...angry." She tore the rooms apart when she found out the plan. I cannot blame her. Her whole life had been devoted to supporting the primary. I cannot imagine the anger of being ousted. "Morhal had her executed for her insubordination."

  The Qitani all-or-nothing code of obedience. Morhal executed the secondary, her match, her life partner, her lover. Just like that at the drop of a hat. I've said before that they are an unforgiving people. I cannot think of a better example of that. "Poor Ta'al," I said, genuinely sad by the news. She had always treated me...well, not kindly. The only Qitani who ever showed kindness was Ashnahta. But she tolerated me and even sheltered me from Morhal. It was sad to hear she had met such a brutally unjust fate.

  "As soon as she was dead, the tribunal assembled and I took my coronation." Morhal rushed it. I hadn't even had the joining ceremony with my match yet. And I was still a full year too young to be primary according to the protocols. "Morhal had gone insane." I can see that now. I couldn't then. I was angry, and hurt, and humiliated and...so...lonely. "She changed protocols and killed those who spoke against it." So no one spoke. And everyone let it all happen. "In less than two month cycles, I was primary, Morhal secondary, your parents imprisoned." It happened so very, very fast.

  "Morhal had not thought things through." One of the reasons I now believe that she was insane by that point. It was not like Morhal to leave options unconsidered. "As primary, I could do as I pleased." Not even Morhal dared to break that protocol. She was raised as a primary. There are things so deep that even insanity cannot change them. "As soon as it dawned on me that there were new possibilities, I went to see your mother." She was being well treated, and your father as well because of that. She was very valuable. Even as a prisoner, she continued to share her knowledge with my people.

  "Tell me how you did it, I ordered." I needed to know how she got you safe. I did not even bother with pleasantries. I believe Eunice does not like pleasantries anyway. "She refused to say how." I doubt I would have understood. I never liked the sciences. "She told me she had no choice." She would die for you, Jake. She let me feel that to her core, that she would have given her whole life for just the chance of you having yours. "I never felt anything so beautiful." I shouldn't have thought like that. I don't know why I did. Why I do. It's weakness to my people. And yet...I somehow do not feel weak for understanding.

  "There was still danger to you." She did not say, but she felt it, deep and real. She felt a constant panic. She was sure Morhal was making some plans to get you back, or to get here, or to get humanity. "I brought Morhal before me." Never in our history had a secondary been brought before a tribunal. Even Ta'al was simply executed in private. This was a public trial. "The elders refused to make Morhal submit." It was not my intention to execute her. But she refused the order to disclose any
plans. I had no choice. "Too many years of fearing her, perhaps, made them insubordinate to me." They knew I was too weak.

  "You were not weak," I said firmly.

  To humans. What good is that?

  The bitterness in the statements cut through me. I took her hand. She let me.

  "She knew she had me. She knew she won." To me, and only me, she submitted. She showed me her thoughts, her plans. Her levels of hate. I think she was almost proud of them. "In spite of what it may seem, we do not rule with hate. We rule with absolute order." We are supposed to, anyway. In Morhal, the hate had ruled for her whole life. "She didn't let me see...she made me see." I was so very sorry I did. Her power was enormous, her ego was bigger. And it was insurmountable.

  "The fah'ti was the key to her quest for greatness." Your primary had told you of the fear humans have of invasion. It is not such an impossible idea, Jake. "Morhal planned to use the fah'ti for control of your solar system." She was too clever to invade. That would take her away from her power if she joined, and give the invaders the glory if she did not. "The fah'ti works with our biorhythms. While Eunice programmed it to work with humans, it could never be controlled by humans." It was a direct link to your system, your planets, that we had direct control over. From it, she could monitor every action, intercept any transmitted information...and more importantly, she could feed false information back to you. "A god, your mother said. She would be a god."

  "I took what I learned to Eunice, and she was horrified." When she allowed me to understand what the fah'ti could really do, how it would control the humans, I was horrified as well. It could not happen. "I stood and challenged Morhal." She accepted and would have won if she wasn't so sure of herself that she did not even bother to close her thoughts. "I struck her down." Even in defeat she still believed she would win. I could not let her live with that thought. "I moved for the fatal blow, but it was not to be." The elders, they warned if I committed the act then all prisoners we held would be killed. They defied me, their primary. That was the level to which Morhal had them twisted.

  "Morhal laughed. She said she expected more from the one she birthed to be primary." But I could not kill her. I could not sacrifice the people who risked their lives for others. I should have. I should have killed them all, the elders, too. You had corrupted me, Jake.

  I took it as the compliment I think she meant it to be. She did not feel upset that her thinking had been changed.

  "I took Morhal's title away. I placed her in prison. I placed the elders with her." But that was not enough. Even as I did so, I could feel her laughter at me. Eunice had been right. The plan was already in action. Morhal could laugh because she believed I was defeated even in my victory. "I summoned Klan'dha." Morhal could not have planned anything overly complicated with the fah'ti without Klan'dha's assistance. "Torture made that traitor talk, weak woman that she was." They were transmitting invitations for more humans to come. They were requesting that you come back. And they got a reply. "Once she caved, she caved completely. She showed me a response from Christophe, guaranteeing a ship would bring you back at the earliest possible time." It was a lie, Jake. I searched him. He was just being clever, like Eunice. He is your friend, more than you know.

  "I did not know this, then. I believed your primary was not smart enough to figure it was a trap." He's just a man. That fact alone shocked me. A man as a primary.

  "He's not our primary, though."

  He is. How it counts, he is, and you know this. "I went to Eunice. I asked her what I should do." The only way was to completely close the fah'ti, to destroy it on the far end, your end. "As long as it was open on your side, Morhal would win. She would find a way." I couldn't trust anyone. They were all her people. And yet, I couldn't leave her there. I couldn't let her remain and abandon my beautiful world to the hands of a madwoman. "I followed Eunice's advice, Jake. I took the weapon she made." Because I respected her. Because I trusted her. Because I have never known anything in my life so strong, an honest, and pure as her sense of responsibility. And love. We don't have that, Jake. It is so powerful. "I took her weapon. And I used it."

  I could feel the her guilt, her pain, and I knew what had happened. My stomach felt like an icy fist was squeezing it. I knew what had happened.

  "It worked. I smuggled it in to Eunice and she kissed my cheek and told me to run." And I did. I ran. And in seconds, it was over. They were gone, all of them, good and bad. There was a loud boom like never heard on Laak'sa, and then silence. The building fell in on itself, and everyone was gone. It was the only way, Jake. I'm so, so sorry.

  She believed I'd hate her for it. I almost did. God knows in that moment I wanted to. My hand went limp in hers and I slumped to the floor. "All of them?" I squeaked.

  "Yes."

  Mother and Dad. I closed my eyes against the pain. I didn't want to hear any more. I wanted to close my eyes and forget she said it at all. But once she started, she had to finish. I sat in numb silence and listened to every word.

  "Before Morhal's supporters could gather their thoughts, I ordered the release of the Condor." The rest of the crew is safe, Jake. That's the best I could do. Please believe me.

  It felt like a final bitter twist in an awful fairy tale. I couldn't feel happy for any of them then, even though they were my family, too. If Dad had just stayed on the Condor... If Mother hadn't... If we didn't...

  Ashnahta slid to the floor next to me. "I assembled a new elder tribe. Younger than the last, stronger. Just old enough to be respected." But still young enough to fight down any uprisings. An army. "I crowned Lanta as primary, declared the male groomed to be my match, Krahn, hers." They were both very happy with it. Lanta is not very smart, but she is loyal. She will listen to the elders, and Krahn will have a much kinder life than he would have as my match. "I told the elders to select a secondary. I believe they chose my youngest sister, Magha." She is smart, but young enough to take the elders word as law until she is old enough to challenge Lanta if she wishes.

  I boarded a rock. I ordered it to take me to the Condor. They brought me to the fah'ti. I offered them the ability to jump home. They would not do it. "They kept the mission going, to honor Eunice and your father, Jake. To honor them."

  It was an honor. It was a sacrifice perhaps greater than that of my parents. Much later, when it didn't hurt so badly to think about it, I realized just what they had all given back. They were doing what Mother and Dad couldn't. An honor? It was the highest they could give to my parents' memories.

  "And I jumped. And I closed the fah'ti. And I closed my eyes to die." But I did not die. I was saved. I was not like the others. I lived. Why does that feel so much worse?

  Her words dissolved. Words could not capture the feelings, and she no longer tried to use them. She opened up and let me feel it all, and I, in turn, did the same until tears rolled down her cheek. Seeing her tears was my breaking point. I gently pulled her to me and let her cry. For probably the first time in her life, I could feel that she was not embarrassed, not ashamed at the weakness we shared.

  Hours later, I sat with my back against the glass of the dome, looking up at the stars and planets above. Ashnahta had cried herself out and slept, her head on my lap. My own tears had long since stopped and I was left with an odd mix of feelings.

  The anger was gone. That was the first thing I realized. I didn't feel wound up as I had for the last few months. I knew the truth. I hadn't understood just how frustrating not knowing something could be. The unknown had slowly been driving me crazy.

  I didn't like what I knew. Not a bit. It occurred to me when I noticed that I was stroking her hair unconsciously that if anyone else discovered the truth, they would censure me for not hating her. But I understood. It may have been Ashnahta's hands that delivered the bomb, but I knew my mother planned it, and had my father's wholehearted approval. As soon as I heard the truth, I knew without a doubt that's what happened. I watched the scene in Ashnahta's memory. I hurt all the more becaus
e it was a side of Mother I didn't know existed. I got the cold scientist. I never knew such a pure mother was inside, was leading the charge. It made the dull ache worse. All the angry thoughts about her...even worse, the distant ones. Why didn't I see it before? Why had it taken something so horrible?

  And Dad. Dad would have gone along with it. I knew he would have. He probably counted down, probably held Mother and pretended he was the strong one right to death. He would have been proud. He would have begged the Condor crew to run, to escape, to hide...to live.

  Why didn't they come home? Why didn't they jump and share? I'd have given anything to see them, to hug them, to mourn with them. My heart ached. I was alone.

  My hand resumed stroking Ashnahta's hair. No, I was not alone, was I? What's worse than losing your parents? Having to be the one to save the world from them. God, what she had been through, the choices she had to make. No, I wasn't mad at her. How could I be? She was only a pawn, just like me. She shivered and I pulled her closer. She was so light. As tall as me, but so very light. I could pick her up and hold her without any effort at all.

  And for some reason, that's exactly what I did. I picked her up and settled her on my lap, pulling her head to my shoulder. She shifted in her sleep, but didn't wake. I held her. I wasn't alone. And finally, I could sleep.