by Xyla Turner
Shit.
My hair was still in a ponytail and I never wore it like that.
Ever.
"Yeah," I answered.
She gasped out loud and whispered, "What did you hear?"
I nabbed her arm to pull her away from listening ears.
"Heard everything," I said in a lowered voice.
"Shit, Apollo." Her face scrunched up. "Well, good thing you're not on her radar anymore and thank God she's no longer interested in you."
She shook her head as if she were relieved.
"Yeah, good thing," I repeated which caused Shay to raise one of her eyebrows.
"There a problem?" she asked. "I notice every time she's around you bolt."
Leave it to her to notice shit like that.
Fuck.
"Don't make it a habit to be around folks that hate me," I answered.
"Hate you?" She laughed. "Oh, that girl used to love you and then you desecrated her publicly. Hate? Meh. Not giving a single fuck about you? Definitely. Lori doesn't hate but you are dead to her, that's for sure."
"Couldn't hurt to make amends," I replied. "It wasn't my intention to crush her. Bad timing and too much to drink."
Shay laughed before she said, "Well, keep your amends, man. She's fine without them."
I grunted because that didn't sit right with me; just to let it alone.
"Or you can try," she shrugged. "I'm just saying, if you do or you don't, she's going to be fine. The question is, are you?"
She patted me on the back of my good shoulder and went to get her food.
"See ya later," Shay called before she left out.
None of that was what I wanted to hear. Why I didn't want to hear it was unclear but I wasn't settled. The shit wasn't settled and I had a sneaky suspicion, in regards to Lori and me, it was only about to start.
The point of going to Liv's Diner and sitting all the way in the back was to get away from people and eat in peace. Why Bear thought it was a good idea to join me, I hadn’t the faintest idea.
"Pollo," he greeted as he squeezed his big frame in the small booth.
"Bear." I nodded. "Not really looking for company."
"Me either," he said as he picked up the menu. "You ever had their meatloaf?"
Fuck.
"No."
"Eh," he dropped the worn plastic list of meals on the table and sat back. "You fucking that nurse of yours?"
"Why the fuck are people worried about who I'm fucking?" I sat back. "I don't give a single fuck about where a brother lays their head or their dick. What the …"
"Calm down, brother." Bear cut me off. "Don't really give a shit but my real question is you ever see yourself taking the plunge?"
This wasn't a typical question and it wasn't one that I'd ever imagined Bear asking. He was a surly son of a bitch and come to think of it, didn't really fuck with anyone. Just did his bid, remained a loyal and active member in the brotherhood.
"Plunge?" I asked in confusion.
"Yeah. With a woman. Going all the way in with her. You know?" he asked.
"Fuck you asking me for?" My face was bound to be in a frown.
He looked at me then he said, "Got that lone wolf sense about ya. Mind ya business, don't fuck with folk. Never see the same women around after you had 'em once. Figured you ain't the type for that shit."
He looked down at the menu and continued, "Figured I'm like you. Not ready for that type of shit. You know? Well, I thought that and now I'm not thinking that no more."
Bear inhaled as if he needed all the air he could get. The man had a thick mustache and what seemed like an expanded beard or it could have just been his chin. Bear had to be about six-foot and four-inches and solid as if he bounced for clubs in the city. I wasn't a small man in height or stature but Bear made me look like a boy with his volume. He was also one of the older members so there was a strong presence about his demeanor. He wasn't arrogant but he didn't care for the foolishness of the younger members. There wasn't a lot of tolerance there.
"You thinking of settling down?" I asked. "You got somebody in mind?"
He eyed me and said, "Somebody got me."
There was no elaboration on that comment and I didn't ask but it did sound like he needed to talk. I wasn't really that person, so I suggested, "Maybe you should talk to Pres or Bronx about this."
"Yeah, did that already. Needed to mull it over with someone who thinks like me." He tapped his thick fingers across the table.
"I ain't one for settling down so to answer your question, no. Haven't thought about it, not interested and I highly doubt a woman will enter my world and want to stay."
Bear nodded causing his beard to move in the same motion. After tugging on the hairy bush, his eyes met mine before he asked, "But what if one does enter and demand to stay. What then?"
Damn. He was up shit creek.
"Sounds like the decision has already been made then." I raised my hand towards him. "She stays."
Suddenly, Bear burst out in laughter causing the booth to shake.
"Fuck, man. Think you're right about that shit." He kept laughing. "Crazy part is, I think I need her more than she thinks she needs me. Blows my fucking mind. I've embarrassed her, blown her off and outright told her I wasn't interested. Think that deterred her? Now, I'm the one that will kill a man if she ever thought about leaving me. I'm fucked.
The man was still laughing but more to himself or at the irony of that crazy shit he’d just spat. It also made me think of Lori but even Shay said I was dead to her. That didn't mean I couldn't make amends.
"So, despite your blowing her off, she kept pursuing you. How?" I was curious about how a woman could wear down a man like Bear.
He laughed and said, "Fuck. She made me fall in love with her. Can't believe I'm actually admitting that shit." He scoffed. "She made me dinner when I didn't ask. Met a need I hadn't even thought I had. Put up with my sister who was trying to fuck with her. Shit, man. She just was there and when I needed her the most."
My head nodded as I thought of ways to make amends with Lori. I wasn't trying to do whatever that chick did to Bear but I did want her to know that I was sorry.
"Happy for you, then." My head nodded.
"Ha," he shook his head. "Now comes the hard part."
"What?"
"The realization of the shit I'm in isn't the hard part, maintaining that shit is. She's fucking young. How am I supposed to keep up with her? I'm old as shit," Bear exclaimed.
"Wait, who is she?" I finally asked.
"Shay's cousin, Dessy?”
"Holy fuck." I leaned towards him. "Does Shay know? She'll have your balls. Fuck, man. She will shoot your ass."
I told him as I did not want to have to clean up that homicide.
"Oh, she knows. Her crazy ass already threatened me." Bear laughed. "You got to love her protectiveness."
I internally exhaled.
He’d dodged a major bullet.
"Well, if she's friends or kin to Shay, you got a good one." I nodded. "She's good people."
"Yeah." Bear smiled. "Oh, I know. I just got to keep her happy."
"Do you?" I asked. "Sounds like, she's trying to keep you happy."
Bear looked up and said, "You know nothing about women. Yeah, her mere presence in my life makes me happy. However, she needs to stay satisfied, not just physically but mentally, and emotionally. I fucking suck at emotions. I doubt I have much of any left but she brings them out and I'm not sure what to do with that shit. In order for her to keep me happy, I must do the same. That's just how it works."
"Okay, well this is all I know. Razor protects Kylie like a mama protects her cubs and that was before she got pregnant. He's attentive, spends time with her and listens. Bronx does the same but he's different with Shay. She's more vocal than Kylie so he acts on her words. Like if she says, oh we should do this. He won't say nothing else about it and then surprises her. Gets her every time. He also puts her in check when she gets out of lin
e. He'll tell her that she can try to leave but he says he'll find her, so she might as well sit her ass down and discuss it." I took a sip of water and continued, "That's all I know. Those are my only up close examples."
Bear laughed and asked, "Bronx tell you that?"
"No, Shay did."
"Y'all close?" he asked.
I almost said yeah but then I answered, "We talk. She thinks she owes me for saving her and Bronx’s life. So..."
He nodded his head and said, "Well, that's no easy feat. Good for you."
I shrugged.
"Well, I took up enough of your time, brother." He nodded. "Thanks for sharing and uh, I hope things work out for you."
"What do you mean?" I asked in confusion.
"With the shit you need to take care of. Hope you right that wrong." Bear delivered his last blow and left.
The only wrong he could have been talking about was the same wrong that haunted me day and night. That was what I needed to make right.
Four
Fantasies
Lori:
Everything Shay had said was whirling through my mind almost all week. I didn't think it was that serious of an issue but what she said made total sense. It wasn't wise to make any decisions but I did want to discuss some of those things with Henry. That was bound to be awkward but it needed to happen.
It was Friday night and our usual routine included me cooking dinner for Henry on Fridays at my place. He lived outside of the city and closer to Harrisburg, so he didn't want me making that ride. This was fine by me because I did not like to drive and I especially didn't like to at night.
"All of my favorites," he noticed. "What's the occasion?"
Henry was seated at my square table that was actually a full-size one but was pushed together to save space. It was a nice, expensive set; which meant it was sturdy and I loved it for my future family. That's what I had in mind when I purchased the monstrosity but Mother convinced me that the pull-out piece made it more manageable.
"Nothing in particular," I laughed. "Just miss you, that's all."
I bent down, kissed him on the mouth and returned to the kitchen to get the rolls.
Baked barbecue-chicken, garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus with a touch of salt. Henry could be very particular about his food, especially his salt intake. His father had high blood pressure and so did his father's father. Therefore, this was something he was conscience about and made it a priority to monitor.
Once we were seated, we started talking about our week’s ups and downs and what we had planned for next week. Then when the conversation hit a lull, I asked him, "Sexually, what do you want from a woman?"
Henry nearly choked on his bread after he processed what I had asked.
"Uh, where is this coming from Loriline?" he asked.
"Nowhere, Henry. I just wonder if sexually you have other fantasies besides what we've done in bed. It's perfectly normal if you do but those are things we should discuss, right?" I took a bite of my chicken with every attempt to appear normal and un-phased by the topic.
"This isn't you," he said as he eyed me warily.
That comment stung a bit as I sat there looking at him. Then I said, "Well, that's the thing, Henry. If I'm asking, it is me and it's something I want to discuss."
He sat back in his chair and put his napkin on the table next to his empty plate, before he said, "Okay, fine. You want to discuss sexual preferences. Let's talk."
"Good." I nodded.
"Why bring this up now?" he asked.
"We've been having some rather heavy conversations lately about love, marriage, kids, etc. I think everything needs to be on the table before we get to those things and this is one of them." I placed my napkin on my half-eaten plate.
No other food would be consumed at this point. Henry nodded his head and said, "Well, since it’s sex you're bringing up, then let's talk about what you obviously feel like you're lacking."
The issue of having fair skin was every sort of emotion could sometimes be so obvious as the red flush of heat rose towards my face.
This was one of those times and it was not from embarrassment, it was heat from anger. Henry detected it and tried to say something else but I had already started.
"Henry Acevedo, what you will not do is come in my house and play counselor with me," I exclaimed. "I am not one of your patients. Nor. Will. I. ever be one of your patients. I asked you one simple goddamn question about your sexual preferences and you turn that on me?"
Livid was an understatement about how I felt.
"Calm down," he hushed. "You're angry and I..."
I stood up then and said, "You've yet to see angry."
"Fine, fine," he hurried out. "Uh, sexually, I think what we do is fantastic."
"I'm not looking for you to compliment me." My arms were folded. "I asked about your fantasies."
"Loriline, I'm not really sure right now is the best time to have this discussion. You're upset and I'm a bit off kilter. How about we table this for another time?" he asked.
"Yeah, I think that's a great idea." I grabbed my plate and his to bring them into the kitchen.
I heard his chair scrap the floor, and then I felt his presence in the medium-sized room. His hand touched my shoulder but I kept my back towards him.
"Lori, I'll just head out now, so we both can have some time to think, come back together later and talk about this." His body heat drew closer and then I felt warm lips against my cheek.
The front door squeaked and then the lock clicked. Henry had gone and I was hotter than a Sahara rock in the middle of the desert. That did not go as planned and more importantly it also confirmed some things that I tried to keep at the back of my mind. He was a counselor and I was once a patient. Those were the conditions that we met upon and on some level, I questioned if he'd always see me that way.
Goddammit.
Kylie, with both hands on her protruding stomach, stared at me for what seemed like an hour and then she asked, "Girl, what in the hell? Who does that?"
I continued to shake my head as the conversation continued to play over and over in my mind.
"I'll tell you who." Shay took a sip of her beer. "People who got shit to hide or he just realized she was about to tell his ass that he wasn't good in bed."
Kylie shook her head before she said, "Yeah, I guess so. Damn, girl. Razor would have made me spell that shit out. We would have not gone to bed until it was put to rest and believe me, he'd had me on my back, on top or bent over something to make me recall what he was good at."
Shay laughed out loud and hit the table when she said, "Right! Bronx too. That shit wouldn't have flown and he damn sure wouldn't have left."
They had a point. Not that I wanted a guy like Razor or Bronx but maybe on some level I did. To leave me with whatever I was thinking or feeling seemed a bit amateurish or maybe it was the counselor in him. I wasn't sure but I knew I did not like it. I felt abandoned in a way. He left with thoughts that turned into me mumbling what a son of a bitch he was.
We were at Pepper's around six in the evening. Kylie was on duty because she insisted on working and Dessy was at the bar serving up drinks to the folks that just got off work. Not many people were there yet and none of the bikers were there, which was great for me. I had planned to get out of there within the next hour.
"When are you going to talk to him?" Kylie asked me.
"Honestly," I said. "I don't want to talk to him. I'm still in shock he did that."
Taking a sip of my drink to calm my nerves seemed to make it worse. It was like a nightmare that kept playing in my head. I went to take another sip but stopped mid-air when I heard a familiar voice call my name.
"Lori."
My heart literally stopped as I knew that voice. Shit, I knew it well and there were some nights I had prayed, wished, and fantasized this man calling my name like that. Just like that. I couldn't even turn around to see him on my left side.
"You got a moment?" the voice sai
d.
Yup, I still wasn't breathing, my drink was in mid-air and my mouth was gaped wide open as anything could have flown in there or I could have simply died. Looking at Shay, I tried to communicate what I could not say at that moment.
"Uh," Shay interjected. "Maybe..."
"Lori, I just want a moment," Connor said again.
Finally, I put my glass down, closed my mouth and stared ahead.
"No, I don't have a moment," I said without any reservation. "Please leave."
"Lori..." he started to say but Shay interrupted.
"Apollo, now may not be a good time." She had turned to face him and when he was about to say something else, she said, "Remember our conversation?" There was a pause. "Yeah, not now."
What conversation?
It wasn't clear what had passed between them but I felt his presence leave without another word.
"Holy shit," Kylie muttered.
"Oh God," Shay whispered.
Once I took a deep breath, I reached into my purse, threw a ten-dollar bill on the table and said, "I got to go. I'll see y'all around."
"Wait, Lori," Shay called but between my wide stride and determination to get out of Pepper’s, it was too late.
I had no business being there in the first place. What the hell was going on in the universe for the stars to align against me all in one week? I didn't even believe in astrology but there was a greater force at work for the current boyfriend to act up and the prior obsession to not only call me by name but want to talk.
Immediately when I got home, I started my meditation exercises and tried to clear my mind. However, after failing miserably at that, I called my therapist since I was allotted two sessions a month. After a half an hour session, I actually did clear my mind, drank a glass of wine and began to journal.
That man had no business feeling like it was okay to speak to me. My therapist told me about the phases I'd probably experience and now I was at the anger phase. Who in the hell gave him permission to attempt to rise from the ashes from which I casted him? He was dead and needed to remain that way.
There would be no exceptions for that.
