by Xyla Turner
The next day, I went to the hardware store to get some decorations and gardening tools for the tomatoes and zucchini I wanted to plant in my new patch of grass. Oddly enough, all of the gardening tools were in a separate shed next to the main store, so I had to go around the outside where I thought I saw a familiar truck.
No, I saw a familiar truck and it belonged to Connor. As I was about to turn around and leave, I decided he would not run me from my own town again. I was born and raised in Manor, in this neighborhood, and one man would not be the reason for my departure. Getting married or taking a new job away from here might be a reason but it wouldn't be Connor. Plus, I doubt he was doing any gardening.
I found the first employee that didn't look busy and showed them my list of items that I needed for the beginning of my garden. In one of the home magazines, I had found an entire layout that I loved. Therefore, my goal was to create each part one section at a time, starting with the mini-vegetable garden. It was also something that I picked up at the rehab center and proved to be calming and that was what I needed.
We walked towards the back to get pavers that would lead the way to each patch of vegetables.
"Lori," that voice called but this time I did not freeze.
Slowly, I turned around and said, "I'm going to need you to leave me alone. There is nothing you need to say to me ever in this lifetime, so reserve this conversation for hell and even then, I wouldn't really want to hear it."
My eyes were on his and my posture was straight as an arrow. He, on the other hand, looked conflicted.
"Look, I don't need much of your time, I just..."
"Connor, I don't care. Leave me alone," I said and walked towards the back.
"Fuck!" he yelled. "I'm trying to make amends."
Where the fury came from I wasn't sure, but I double backed and got in his face to sneer, "Fuck your amends."
Connor's head tilted back as his mouth opened in shock. He blinked once and then nodded.
"See you're going to make this difficult."
I almost answered him but I decided that I'd like to get my items and get the hell out of there, so I walked off and left him standing there. We saw him once more when I went to check out but there was no need to pay him any mind.
He wanted to make amends my ass.
The only thing I ended up doing was putting everything in the back. The pavers were red stone and in the shape of a leaf. Bringing those suckers in one by one was a task all in itself, so everything could sit in the garden until I could get to it later that weekend.
On Saturday morning, I woke up to banging in my backyard which was portrayed in my dream as someone knocking on the door. I looked out the window and saw 'that man' in my yard.
Connor fucking Locklear.
I stomped downstairs and out the door before I could take account of my appearance.
"What do you think you're doing in my yard?" I yelled with my hands flailing in the air.
He slowly turned around with a blue bandana on his head, keeping his hair back, a ruler in his left hand and a pencil in his right.
"Morning," Connor nodded.
"What are you doing in my yard?" I asked.
A smirk rose on his face and faded as he said, "Settin' you up."
"Connor, get out of my yard." I was through having these asinine conversations with this man.
He rose and sauntered towards me with worn jeans that looked like they'd seen better years, a torn ash grey t-shirt, and brown boots. His eyes were on mine and they never left.
"I'm making amends." He said the same thing he'd stated yesterday.
"I told you what you can do with your amends." I folded my arms over my chest.
He was looking up at me from the bottom of my back wooden, five-step staircase.
"Lori, I need to do this. I'm not saying you need to forgive me but it's something I have to do."
Forgive?
"Forgive you for what?" I asked. "Hurting my feelings. Oh, I'm over that. Now I just want you to leave me alone. Alright. Do I need to say that in front of the whole town for you to get that?"
"Can't do that." He patted the banister. "Got to make amends."
Then it hit me, he might have been in some Alcohol or Drug anonymous program and he needed to make those amends.
Ohhhh.
Dammit.
"Look, fine. Can you make amends by doing something else and leaving my house?" I asked.
"You want this, right?" Connor pulled a familiar, folded magazine page from his back pocket and showed it to me.
It was my design for the yard and I planned to build it by myself. It was supposed to be therapeutic.
"Well, yeah." He must have picked it up with the items I left in the back a couple of days ago. "However, I would like to do this. It's um, good for me."
"Calms you?" he asked with what seemed like sincerity. When my eyebrows pulled together, he added, "My old therapist assigned me to gardening and working with my hands. Hence why I work at the bike shop."
What in the holy hell was happening?
"Uh, okay," I said because I never knew that and I used to be an expert on all things Connor Apollo Locklear.
Well, so I thought.
"You can help but this is in my wheelhouse; I can do all of this in a week." Connor nodded.
"A week," I gasped. "Look, it's fine. I'm not really comfortable with you being here."
That was when he took a step up and assured me, "Lori, you're safe with me."
"No, Connor." I shook my head. "I just..."
He took another step up and said, "I'm Connor now?"
A loud sigh escaped me as I started to feel more uncomfortable around him. He was known in all of Manor as Apollo and when I went to rehab, I had to put my old thoughts and feelings away. Therefore, he became Connor, a stranger, that I was no longer attracted to, or so I figured.
"Thanks but no thanks." I didn't answer the question.
"Look, Lori. Let me do it and I'll be outta your hair. My debt will be paid and then you won't have to see me anymore unless you want to."
I nearly choked.
"Why are you doing this?" I was suspicious. "Are you one of those guys who likes having all the attention on them or something? When no one is thinking about you, you're available but when I was embarrassing myself all around town, you wouldn't even look my way."
Connor took another step up and said, "Let me make amends."
I shook my head and finally said, "Whatever, just don't start banging shit around at seven in the goddamn morning."
I turned around to leave him on that second step by himself and get out of his presence. Before the backdoor slammed, I heard him say, "Got it, sweetness."
Rolling my eyes, I went back upstairs to continue my sleep but that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Therefore, I spent that time reading a book and when it was a Godly hour, I sent a group text to Shay and Kylie.
Me: You will not believe who's in my damn yard
Kylie: Henry?
Shay: Nope, bet it's Apollo. It's 9 in the morning
Me: He's been here since 7
Kylie: Holy shit
Me: How'd you know?
Shay: I just knew. SMH
Kylie: What'd he say?
Me: Something about making amends
Shay: SMH
Kylie: Oh, wow.
Kylie: You let him
Me: Well, I told him to leave three times. He's a Guardian – they don't listen.
Shay: No, he's Apollo, he don't listen
Me: So, I’ll just let him make his stupid amends, then he'll be out of my face, etc.
Shay: That's probably the best way to handle it. He won't be deterred.
Kylie: What do you know, Shay
Me: Yeah
Shay: Just know Apollo, is all. He got his mind set up to do something and he going to do it
Me: Y'all are friends now????
Shay: Yeah, I guess. The man saved my life, Bronx's life. He killed a man f
or me. Yeah, I'm fucking friendly.
I wasn't sure what to say to that because it wasn't like she was picking sides but it felt like it. She knew him and felt she owed him but I knew it was juvenile to feel like that was a slight to me.
Me: Gotcha
Kylie: Well, whatever. It seems like he's trying to get friendly with you
Me: That'll never happen
Kylie: Oh, honey just ask Shay, it IS happenin'
Shay: Yup, that's how these guys work. I mean, don't get me wrong. He may not even know that’s what he’s doing but…
Me: Stop it. He's in some program, I think. That’s why he's making amends.
Kylie: Oh
Shay: You sure?
Me: Well, yeah. He said amends. Believe me, I know how these programs work.
Kylie: Okay, then. Let the man build your garden.
Shay: Right, you've been showing everyone that picture.
Me: I am. Now I just need something to do. LOL
Kylie: Come over here, so you can help me with my garden. I can't bend over like I used to
Me: Yeah, give me an hour. I'll be over.
Five
Amends
Apollo:
The Lori I knew didn't curse, raise her voice, or display hostile anger. She was annoying but this was different.
She was different.
I didn't like it.
Her hair had changed, she had contacts instead of her occasional glasses and even her attitude was no longer mousy.
What the fuck?
I had fucked up and royally which was the only reason I was even trying to keep from getting back in her face. Amends needed to be made and I'd let her be; just like she wanted. Even when her being away from me wasn't what I truly wanted. Shit, I'm not sure I ever wanted her to leave me be. It was a universal thing. I didn't want anyone close to me but to see that disappointment in her eyes; that killed a piece of me and I needed to fix that.
Every day that week, I was out there creating the image she wanted. She didn't bother to come outside, check on the progress or even see if I needed anything. I'd see her when she got home from work and when she went to sleep. All I wanted to do was talk with her and apologize. She wouldn't hear me though and I didn't need no one to tell me that shit. I had to show her.
When I finished, I left a note on her back steps under a rock. Hopefully, she got that before the rain did.
The next week, I was back with my own routines and apparently so was Shay. A knock on my door at the compound had her coming through with a cheese burger for both of us.
She tossed it to me and said, "So, why are you really in Lori's face?"
Shit.
"Making amends, like I said."
She nodded with her lips turned down, then she whispered, "Bullshit."
Unsure why the woman was so damn crazy but I erupted in laughter.
"The fuck I'm trying to do then, all knowing?" I kept laughing, which was something I hadn't done in a damn long time.
"Hmm," she grunted. "You know damn well what you doing. I know too but what I really want to know if are you ready for that fight?"
She thought there was something else to my making amends. I mean, there was but it wasn't.
"It's not like that." I responded. "I fucked up and I'm trying to make it right."
"Why?" Shay asked as she leaned forward so her elbows were on her thighs.
"The shit needed to be done."
"Why now?"
"Why not now?" I asked.
"You hear she’s having second thoughts about her guy? You know she ain't thinking about you. Trying to stay relevant in her life? You like being stalked? Shit, I don't know," she countered.
My jaw tightened at her words.
"The fuck you mean?" I sneered.
"I mean," Shay said as she stood up. "That's my fucking friend, one of my best friends. Apollo, I owe you my life but I swear to all things holy, I will fucking kill you myself if you break her like you did before. She was in love with you. Anywhere you were, she was right behind you so unless you plan on not just making amends so you can sleep at night but you're interested in making her yours in a permanent way, leave her the fuck alone. She's moved on. She ain't thinking about you; pining over you like some wimpy woman or lost puppy. She's found her way and I'm telling you, LEAVE HER THE FUCK BE! You don't know what you want so leave her alone until you do. You don't need to make amends to her – she's already paid the price."
Shay walked out of my room and slammed the door.
Fuck.
I'd paid the cost too.
"Sup, Apollo," Razor called. "How's the shoulder?"
We were getting ready for the club party that night and he needed someone to go with him and pick up the kegs. We didn't lift anything so it was probably Razor's way of checking in on me. Usually a recruit did shit like that so it was weird that he wanted us to monitor the duty.
"Shoulder is fine," I replied.
It had been fine as my rehab was complete as far as i was concerned. Donna was becoming more annoying by pushing sex and pills on me after I told her I wasn't feeling either.
"Haven't seen that nurse around," he noted. "She coming tonight?"
Razor asked me while loading the seventh keg in the back of the truck bed.
"Don't know," I answered honestly.
Even though her assignment with me had finished, Donna had texted me about the flyer for the party we were throwing. The last she was at the compound to give me therapy was a week ago and I told her to get lost. Now she was texting me about a Guardian event.
Weird.
The party was at the G Building which was a huge warehouse with an open back where the grilling and cooking would happen. There was a wooden floor that was usually made for dancing and a bar near the food. The surround sound speakers were everywhere, tables were spaciously line up and there were two mini-bars throughout the large space. It was the perfect place for a huge party and in true Guardian-style, folks came to dance, drink and let loose.
By the time the glasses started smashing and shit, that was when the party really began. All of the guys were there with their women. Bear was there and Dessy was close by, like they were trying to act like they weren’t together. However, no man dared to get near her because the beastly man started to growl. She, on the other hand, looked like she wasn't sure if she was coming or going. He must not have taken his own advice because it didn't seem like he'd made a decision just yet.
Lori was not there and I knew because I had looked. Shay's words twirled over and over in my head and I couldn't make them stop. The crazy woman was right though, and as mad as I was about her threat, I appreciated her more for being real and protecting her girl.
I walked towards our normal side of the bar and Bronx greeted me, "Hey, man. Where you been?"
"Laying low," I replied.
"Man of little words. As always." Bronx laughed.
"Shay, can I see you?"
She looked up from her beer and nodded towards me. Kylie looked to Bronx and Razor looked at me but we kept moving to the back of the warehouse. When I finally stopped, I turned towards her and said, "You're right."
"About what?" Shay asked.
Yeah, she was going to make me spell it out and honest to fucking God, I didn't even know what I was going to say.
"She got to me, Shay. Okay." I ran my hands through my hair. "I couldn't have her getting close to me. Nothing good ever comes from that shit. I did that shit a year ago so she'd back off. I wasn't trying to send her nowhere, I just didn't need her getting to me. I knew what she wanted but I could never give it to her. I'm a broken man. Unrepairable. I stopped trying to do that shit a long time ago and she's fucking beautiful. I mean, come on, Shay. Who wouldn't want to be with her and I know she created this whole thing in her head so even if I did take her then, she'd have been fucking disappointed. The look she gave me that night. That look is what has haunted me because that's the look she would have given me if we'd ever g
ot together. I would have surely disappointed her and she would have left me for good..."
"Apollo..." She tried to interrupt.
"No, Shay. I have nothing to offer her. I'm not like Razor and Bronx or the other guys. They got shit going for them and I'm living in the fucking compound doing surveillance at night. The night at your place killing that piece of shit, that's not the first time, sis. I doubt it'll be the last and if you don't think that shit don't haunt me, you're crazy. No woman needs that in her man. I've been in war, lived through war, and ended them. I got my own shit I deal with regularly and no woman needs that shit. I'm tellin' you."
"Apollo!" she snapped. "I'm not about to stand here and pretend I know everything you're talking about. It sounds like some deep shit but it also sounds like some familiar shit. You," she pointed, "do not make decisions for other people. You make decisions for yourself. Bronx did the same fucking shit with me. Thought I was better off without him and made the decision completely without even asking me. I'm not sure if you know, but I'm a grown ass woman who can make her own decisions and think for myself. I chose Bronx a long time ago. I was just like Lori. I fucking lived and breathed Bronx. When he turned me away and when I thought he had played me, I was done. He had shit and he dealt with his shit and when he let me know, I told him like I'm gonna tell you. Do not make decisions for other people when their lives are attached to the decision. It's not fair, Apollo. It's not right."
I shook my head. She didn't understand.
"Listen to me, for once. I'm telling you not because I'm a woman but because I know Lori. What you're saying and doing is not right. Like I said before, if this is just something you're feeling because she's lost interest, let it ride. But, if this is something you truly felt before and couldn't or wouldn't articulate and now you feel like you're about to explode, not only do you need to fix your shit but you got to fix what you broke. I got to know you a bit, so I'm with you either way but you just gotta be sure," Shay pleaded.
"How?" I asked without thinking about it. "How can I fix it? She won't even look me in my face. Forget be in the room long enough to have a conversation."
"Apollo," Shay smiled. "Brother, you gonna have to work for it. I ain't saying it'd be easy but what you did was the ultimate. Maybe try to undo it or top the ultimate. Publicly honor her the same way you shamed her but a hundred times better."
