by Bella Grant
He ordered a coffee from the guy at the counter. The barista looked familiar, but Theodore couldn’t quite place his face. There was something about the way the barista looked at him, as if he knew something he wasn’t sharing. The whole experience made Theodore slightly uncomfortable.
As he sat at the counter, shifting on his bar stool, Theodore briefly considered leaving and going home. He pushed this thought out of his head. He needed to speak to Amelia, and putting it off wasn’t doing anyone any good. On top of that, he wanted to see her. He had been wrapped up in the thought of her all day, completely distracted by it. Leaving would only make it worse.
“Hey, Frankie, can you check inventory?” Amelia called to the barista, coming out from the back room with two gallons of milk in each hand. She kicked open the door to the little under-counter refrigerator with her foot and stocked the shelves.
The barista disappeared into the back, and Theodore was relieved to be free of his strange, watchful eyes. He wondered why he felt so exposed as he sat there, sipping his coffee awkwardly, pretending to be an innocent customer.
Amelia turned around with a rag in her hand. Theodore was about to say hello when she looked up from wiping the counter and saw him. She jumped a little as if he startled her, and he wasn’t sure what to do or say.
Amelia gave him a little smile and turned away, clearing down the coffee bar. The barista, Frankie, came out of the back again and flickered the lights. “Sorry, folks, the café is closing in five minutes. Please come again.”
As the students around him began to stir, rustling papers and packing up laptops, Theodore waited uncomfortably for the room to empty. Was it obvious that he wasn’t leaving? Should he be worried that this Frankie character seemed to know something about him?
“Hey, Ames, the back is stocked. You mind if I take off?” Frankie asked Amelia.
“Go for it,” she replied, pulling her apron over her head. “Thanks for all your help.”
“Any time,” Frankie replied. “You’re… okay here?” Theodore shifted uneasily as Frankie gestured conspicuously at him with his eyes.
“I’m fine,” Amelia replied. “I’ll call you later. Have fun with Jake.”
Theodore looked around and noticed the rest of the room had cleared out. Frankie left through the back room. Amelia walked to the front door and turned the lock. She turned the lights off one by one, leaving only the counter lights on.
Sitting in the darkened room, Theodore waited for her to speak.
“Hi,” she said finally.
“Hi,” he replied, clearing his throat.
Theodore stood up, wanting to close the distance between them, but Amelia remained on the other side of the counter. When he realized she wasn’t going to come to him, he sat down again.
“You left,” she accused.
“I did,” he answered softly. “I had to.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t want anyone to see me leaving your place in the morning.”
“Oh.”
“I didn’t want to leave,” he added.
“Oh,” she said again.
She stared at the counter and picked at the dried frosting from the morning’s pastries with her fingernail.
“Amelia,” Theodore began, his thoughts jumbled.
“Yes?” she asked.
“I’m not sure what we’re doing.” He sighed.
“I’m not either,” she answered.
“I… We’ve both got a lot to lose.”
“I know,” she said, returning to the frosting on the counter.
“But I still want to be with you.” As the words left Theodore’s mouth and he heard them in the space between them, he realized how true they were.
“You do?” she asked, piercing him with her deep gaze.
“I do,” he assured her. “But…”
“But what?” she pressed, her voice suspicious.
“But we have to keep it a secret.” Theodore felt shady at the request. It wasn’t ideal, but it was necessary. He’d given it a lot of thought, and the only way he could see for them to be together would be to keep it a secret.
“I see,” she said quietly.
“Is that out of line?” he asked.
“No,” she replied slowly. “It’s not. It just makes me sort of sad.”
“I’m sorry,” he offered, stumbling for the right words.
“I still don’t understand why you left,” she said, her voice hostile.
“I was afraid your neighbors would see me and recognize me.”
“No one would recognize you,” she replied. “Plus, I don’t even know my neighbors. I keep a pretty low profile. You’re paranoid.”
“I guess I am,” he sighed. “I just didn’t know it was such a big deal.”
“Seriously?” she scoffed. “You thought it was cool to fuck me and bail? How do you think that makes me feel, waking up alone the next morning?”
“I… I don’t know,” he confessed, confused by this turn in the conversation. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. As I said, I didn’t realize it was a big deal.”
“You sound like an idiot,” Amelia snapped, and Theodore was shocked by the change in their dynamic. He had felt they were equals before, when he was admiring her. Now, as she stood in front of him, chastising him, he realized they really were equals and that she wasn’t going to make things easy on him.
“I fucked up,” he said. “I shouldn’t have left.” Theodore stood up and walked slowly around the edge of the counter towards her. “Amelia,” he continued, “I didn’t want to leave. Nothing in me wanted to leave. I thought it was the right thing to do. I’m sorry if it hurt you. All I wanted was to hold you in my arms. Hell, I went home and fell asleep dreaming of you.”
“You did?” she asked. Her voice was softer now, and she loosened her crossed arms as he approached.
“Of course I did. You’re all I can think about now,” he breathed, feeling a rush of emotion as he closed the space between them and leaned his forehead against hers.
“Don’t do it again, okay?” she said firmly.
“I won’t,” Theodore answered. “I promise.” He reached out and pulled her into his arms, resting his chin on the top of her head as she nuzzled his chest. As he kissed her forehead, he noticed her skin was warm, and sweet, and smelled of coffee.
13
Amelia felt herself on a threshold of emotion as Theodore kissed her forehead. Part of her wanted nothing more than to sink into his embrace and let herself fall head over heels for him. The other part of her—the part that had endured being bounced around foster homes without ever having a rock to cling to—refused to allow her to open herself up entirely for fear of being hurt.
Theodore leaving had hurt her, and although she was somewhat satisfied with his explanation and could even see the logic in his reasoning, it didn’t quite eliminate the sting from waking to find him gone and her bed empty after the night they had shared together.
Still, when he kissed her and told her he wouldn’t do it again, she wanted to believe him. “I get it, I really do,” she conceded. “I just don’t know where that leaves us.”
“I think we should establish some ground rules,” Theodore said gently.
“Okay,” she answered slowly. “Such as?”
“Well, on campus we obviously can’t let on that we’re together,” he said, pausing to consider his next statement.
“That sounds fair.”
“I mean, I have so much to lose here,” he continued. “I’ve got tenure riding on this. And don’t get me wrong—I think it’s worth it, I just can’t let this ruin my career.” Amelia narrowed her eyes at him. “It’s not so bad for you,” Theodore rationalized. “You’d get a slap on the wrist. All the burden of blame lies on the professor in these situations. So I’ve got to be careful. I’ve got to protect myself—”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” demanded Amelia. “You’re going to stand there and be so self-absorbed that you tell
me I’ve got nothing to lose here?”
Theodore looked at her, surprised. “What?” he stammered.
“You’re literally standing there telling me you’ve got everything to lose and I’ve got nothing to lose. You sound like an asshole right now,” she said flatly.
“Whoa, where is this coming from?” Theodore asked, baffled by her response.
“Wow. I just don’t know what to say to you if you can’t see it,” Amelia replied, shaking her head in disbelief.
Theodore was silent a moment. “Okay,” he said finally. “Maybe that was unfair.”
“You think?” Amelia shot back. “Do you know what happens to girls who get caught in these kinds of situations? I’d probably lose my scholarship, for one. Goodbye degree. Not to mention the irreparable damage to my reputation. Do you know what an affair with my professor would do to my academic credibility? Despite the fact that I’m smart and capable, all my accomplishments would be written off as favoritism and sexual reciprocity. So don’t fucking stand there and wax poetic about everything you’ve got to lose, as if you’re the only one who’s out on a limb here. That’s unfair, and it’s bullshit.”
Theodore stared at her, dumbfounded. “I’m sorry,” he managed to say. “You’re… you’re right. I was out of line. I guess I was just preoccupied with my own shit.”
“Well I’m glad you realize that,” Amelia mumbled. Her face was hot, and she wasn’t quite sure where this surge of emotion was coming from except her lifelong inclination to battle social and sexual injustice. To find it happening to her now, with the first man she’d ever felt really connected with, was too much for her.
“So,” Theodore said uncertainly. “Where does that leave us?”
“I’m fine with keeping it secret,” Amelia replied. “I just want you to realize that I’m doing it for my own reasons, too, and you’re not the only one whose ass is on the line here. And if anything, that should make you feel better, because I’m just as invested in this as you.”
“I guess it does,” Theodore replied. “So, we’ll keep us a secret then.”
“Yes,” Amelia agreed.
“And you won’t tell any of your friends?” Theodore asked.
“No, of course not,” she replied. As soon as the words left her mouth, she realized that was a lie. Frankie knew. But Frankie was more than a friend. He was like her family. And not only that, he’d never tell. She wouldn’t go blabbing about it at the coffee shop to all the little ditzy girls who worked there. It was Frankie. He was different. He was safe. He understood.
Theodore watched her intently as this thought passed through her brain. When she noticed the puzzled expression on his face, she smiled and pushed the thought out of her head. No sense worrying him with this, not when he was already being so weird. If anything, it would seem like she just lied to his face. And really, when she considered who Frankie was to her and the spirit of Theodore’s request, rather than the letter of it, she was being truthful.
“So when will we be able to see each other?” she asked him.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “I’m flat out this week with papers and exams and I have a chapter to finish for publication. How about Thursday?”
“Yeah,” she replied. “Thursday’s good. Are we… are we still doing that panel discussion thing?”
“I hope so,” Theodore said. “Please don’t leave me high and dry on that. I’m counting on you to make me look good.” He gave her a little smile, but the words sounded hollow to her. She wondered how they’d be able to navigate the sexual politics of professor and student. She wasn’t sure she liked him joking about using her to make himself look good to the tenure committee. Still, she rationalized, she was getting a recommendation letter out of it herself. As long as they didn’t get caught, it would all be worth it when she applied to graduate schools.
“Do you want to come over afterwards?” she asked him. “On Thursday?”
“Yeah,” he replied and gave her that crooked smile that had melted her heart so many times before. “I’d love to.”
“Okay,” she replied.
He leaned against the counter, watching her, and she suddenly felt very self-conscious. She kicked at a loose coffee bean on the floor before finally looking up at him and saying, “Well, I should probably close this place up. Early shift tomorrow…”
“Right, of course,” Theodore replied, rousing himself.
Amelia felt emotionally exhausted from their exchange. She was glad they had talked, but she wasn’t sure where they were. Secret, that’s where. They would pretend nothing was happening between them when on campus and in public, but that was easier to say than to do. She wondered if people would notice the difference and guess what was going on between them. Hopefully not.
“Come on,” she said. “We’ll leave this way.” Theodore followed her to the back room of the café, and after she punched out on the time clock and pulled her jacket from the hook, he held it for her as she slipped her arms inside.
“Thanks,” she said, smiling up at him and feeling, for the first time that night, that giddy feeling of romance that had swept through her the night they’d spent together.
“Any time,” he replied, grinning down at her. He reached out his hand and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
Without warning, Amelia rocked forward on her tiptoes and reached up to kiss him. Theodore wrapped his arms around her and pushed her back against the wall, moving his mouth softly against her lips. Amelia heard herself let out a little moan as his tongue traced the tip of hers, and reaching up, she ran her hands through his hair.
“Call me,” Theodore said, when she finally pulled away. “Text me. Whatever. Just… don’t be a stranger,” he implored.
“Okay,” Amelia promised. “I will. I mean… I won't. I’ll text you.”
Theodore left the coffee shop before her, and Amelia watched his dark figure disappear into the night. She stood in the doorway for a few moments and considered texting Frankie, but for the first time, she didn’t really feel like sharing this experience with him. For once, it felt like only hers. And as she held it close—the thought of Theodore and his warm body pressed against hers—she was glad they were keeping it a secret. It was nice to have something that was hers and only hers.
As she finished closing the coffee bar for the night, a wave of pain washed through her abdomen. Amelia clutched her stomach and leaned against the counter. She was surprised by the pain, but also comforted. After doing the math in her head, it made sense. Her period was a couple days early, but that wasn’t terribly unusual for her, and cramps were always the surest sign of it.
She rummaged in her bag and found a tampon. Slipping into the bathroom in the back of the café, Amelia was surprised to find only a little spot of blood. Still, it was a welcome sight. She’d never been so relieved to see the faint pink signs of her period before. Even the cramps were lessening, and Amelia exhaled a deep sigh.
After washing her hands, she looked in the mirror and saw the relief relaxing her face. That was a close one, she thought. But she had cramps. She had her period. She was not pregnant. Thank God, she whispered to herself. And I didn’t even waste ten dollars on a pregnancy test. Tonight was a good night after all.
14
As Theodore left the coffee shop and walked away from Amelia, he was flooded with relief at her willingness to keep their involvement a secret. As he breathed a deep sigh of relief, he felt excited at the prospect of being able to continue this new relationship with her, and he relished the idea of it being consequence-free. As he felt this satisfaction wash over him, another feeling pushed in, leaving him doubtful. Was he treating her badly?
Theodore kicked at a pile of leaves on the sidewalk and wondered if he was taking advantage of her. Amelia is a smart woman, strong and resourceful, he told himself. She wouldn’t do anything she didn’t want to do. But still, was it right? Was it ethical? This thought made him frown, and he felt agitated at the idea of using he
r. He didn’t think he was, but did that matter? Amelia shouldn’t be anyone’s dirty little secret, he thought to himself.
She seemed totally okay with keeping their involvement private. As Theodore walked, his mind ran a gamut of emotions, from happiness to doubt. There was another possibility, one that bruised his ego more than anything. Perhaps she was ashamed to be with him? She had been forceful in her defense of her own risk in being caught. Her points were solid, and Theodore couldn’t deny that although she wouldn’t lose tenure like him, she would have certain doubts cast upon her ability simply for being caught with him.
Is that all it was? Was it only that she didn’t want to be known as the girl who slept with her professor? Or was it something else, something about him, something that made her want to keep her distance? Was she as into him as he was to her?
Theodore rubbed his hands over his face and let out an exasperated sigh. He had left the coffee shop feeling so hopeful and happy, but now his mind was riddled with little doubtful pockmarks. Although he didn’t know Amelia as well as he wanted to know her, he had no reason to doubt her sincerity. They were just looking out for each other, he told himself. And with that thought in his mind, he turned up the hill towards his office where he had a stack of papers that needed grading.
As Theodore sat at his desk, making margin notes on the pile of midterm essays in front of him, he looked distractedly at his phone. Amelia was in his head, and he wanted to connect with her. He picked up his phone and opened a text to her. Thinking of you, he typed before deleting it and setting his phone aside. He wondered if it was too early to send her those kinds of texts.
As if on cue, his phone lit up with a message from Amelia. He wondered if she had been looking at her phone, too, and seen the little ellipses that indicated he was typing. I can’t wait to see you again, she wrote.
Theodore felt a little flutter in his heart. He was crazy to doubt her. He was being neurotic and ridiculous to get so caught up in his head. He couldn’t keep the smile from his face as he wrote back. Can’t wait to wrap you in my arms. Thinking of you. Very distracting.
