by Bella Grant
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard anyone say all week,” Theodore replied flatly. “You’ve got a family. You’ve got a wife and kids. You’ve got it all, man. And you sit here in this bar bemoaning your misfortune and salivating over other people’s unhappiness. What’s wrong with you?”
David looked at him, and Theodore couldn’t tell whether the expression on his face meant he wanted to punch him or cry. Theodore felt like an asshole for his comment, but really, it was true.
“I don’t know,” David said finally, his face crumpling into a frown. He looked old, despite his early middle-age, and Theodore noticed how tired he appeared. “I just miss feeling something,” David continued. “Anything, really. We don’t even fight anymore. It’s like there’s nothing to fight about. We’re just resigned.”
“I’m sorry,” Theodore apologized. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, it’s true,” David said. “I’m sitting here in a bar, wishing I was you. That’s not right. I’ve got a great family.”
“What about your kids?” Theodore asked, hoping to guide David back to smoother waters.
“They’re great, man. They really are,” David said, smiling through his sadness. “Want to see some pictures of them?” He handed Theodore his phone. “That’s my youngest,” David said, pointing at the infant. “He’s going to say ‘Dada’ any day, I just know it. You know? You just get a feeling.”
“Congrats,” Theodore said, handing the phone back. “You’ve got a beautiful family. You’ll figure things out. Right now, you’ve got the only thing I want. You’ve got a family that loves you. I’ve got what? A career. Big fucking deal.”
“Hey, man,” David said, slurring slightly. He pulled a wad of bills out of his wallet. “I think I’m going to head out. I… I want to see my family.”
“I think that’s a great idea. You’re walking, right?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m walking. Don’t worry.” He stopped by Theodore’s bar stool and leaned in. “I’m really sorry things worked out that way for you,” he said. “But I maintain that the only thing that matters is love. Fuck your job, man. You’ll get another one. If you think this girl is the one, you need to be true to that.”
“Thanks, buddy,” Theodore said. He watched through the front window as David left the bar, taking in the sad man who was so conflicted with his home life and family ambling down the icy sidewalk. Unable to drink in silence with his own thoughts, he finished his beer, left a wad of cash on the bar, and pulled his coat on.
Outside, the snow had frozen in icy drifts, and Theodore’s breath fogged up the air. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and stopped under the street light.
I miss you, he texted Amelia.
As soon as he hit send, he regretted it. Not because it wasn’t true, but because he didn’t have anything to offer her at this moment. He had considered all the possibilities. They could try to be secretive again, but he was under intense scrutiny from the department, and apparently, there was no privacy off campus. He could quit his job, but then he couldn’t afford to stay in the area. There was really no way to change the situation.
He watched the ellipses appear, and his heart beat faster as he waited for Amelia’s response. But the text bubble disappeared, and Theodore realized Amelia wasn’t going to reply because she knew, like he did, that he was being selfish and careless with her heart. He was being a piece of shit, preserving his career at the expense of their happiness, and he hated himself for it.
Theodore had briefly considered the possibility that once he was no longer her professor, they could perhaps reunite. But the university had said zero contact, and Amelia would still be a student there, regardless of whether she was his. He had hoped in vain, night after night, that a solution would present itself to him, but there was nothing to be done. He walked home with David’s words echoing in his head. She was all that mattered. Being loved was more important than any job.
There was something inside him that refused to give her up. He couldn’t quite figure it out—his inability to accept what seemed so clear and inevitable. Theodore was a rational man. He wasn’t easily swayed by his emotion, or so he told himself. But something about Amelia made it impossible for him to move on. He felt some life force tying them together. His every waking thought seemed to be of her. It was something he’d never felt and couldn’t quite understand.
In the final days of class, Theodore had worried about Amelia. She was allowed to remain in the course, although her work that semester was under review by another professor to ensure there was no favoritism taking place. Theodore had noticed she looked pale and thin. He wondered if she was sick with something, although she didn’t appear to have a cough or anything.
He wondered if the toll of their breakup could really cause her so much distress. It seemed preposterous that a girl like Amelia could be physically ill over a guy like him, but he couldn’t think of any other explanation. He wanted to talk to her, assure himself that she was okay, and do what he could for her if he was really the cause. But he never had a moment alone with her at school, and she wouldn’t answer his texts.
Because Amelia was an adult, he reminded himself, and she knew better than to send heartbroken messages to her ex, the way he did to her. He felt shame wash over him for his own inadequacies, his weakness, and his selfishness. “I’m sorry,” he said to no one. Then he shoved his phone in his pocket and began the long, cold walk home in the dark December night.
21
Amelia hit ‘send’ and emailed her final paper to the new professor she’d been assigned in light of the incident with Theodore. After the incident, she had been called into the Dean’s office. She entered the office with a heart filled with trepidation, and in addition to the Dean, she found her department chair waiting for her as well. The three of them discussed her conduct. She had arrived expecting a condemnation of her actions, but it seemed the administration was most concerned with whether she had been pressured into a sexual relationship with her professor.
“Absolutely not,” Amelia insisted. “That’s completely absurd. We’re two consenting adults. In no way did I feel forced or coerced. It was a mutually agreed-upon relationship.”
She had done what she could to protect Theodore, sensing he was by far the more vulnerable of the two of them. The university seemed to think she was a victim. Despite the issues she had at this point in time, Amelia refused to throw him under the bus. She was hurt and she was angry, but she wasn’t vindictive. She wouldn’t let herself be cast as a victim when they were both at fault. When this thing started, they had been equal participants in the nightmare that now lay before her. Theodore had ended it because he had to, she told herself. Not because he wanted to. That thought kept her on his side.
His texts didn’t help, though. In fact, they upset her. Whenever her phone buzzed, she felt a moment of panic and hope swirl within her, imagining Theodore saying he wanted to fix things. But it was only “I miss you,” or “I’m sorry,” or “Amelia, please talk to me.” There was no point. She felt angry that he was too weak to control his spontaneous emotional outbursts, when all she needed was the space to figure out how to live her life without him.
Amelia wasn’t free anymore. She had a child growing inside her. Despite everything else falling apart around her, the child was her only priority. If Theodore couldn’t be there for her, it was better not to involve him at all. She lay awake at night, debating with herself whether she should tell him. Each time, she concluded that he couldn’t be depended on. She’d avoid him and keep her secret. He wouldn’t ever have to choose outright if he wanted to reject her and the baby. Withholding that painful decision was the best she could do for him.
With finals over and Amelia’s morning sickness fading, she busied herself with preparations for the baby. It was too soon for an ultrasound, and right now, the baby was an amorphous bundle of love, a stranger she knew but didn’t know, growing inside her.
Money was becoming a c
oncern, as was the very scary reality of raising the child on her own. Frankie had offered to give up his room in a shared house to become her roommate, help her take care of the baby and split the bills with her. It was a generous offer, but as much as Amelia wanted to accept, she couldn’t. She hadn’t said no outright, but she needed to. This wasn’t Frankie’s problem. He’d do anything for her, Amelia knew that, and she’d do anything for him. They were family. But she couldn’t let him derail his life to take care of her. She’d been on her own forever, and she’d do it again now.
Plus, Frankie finally had a boyfriend. He’d brought Kyle over to meet her a week ago, and she’d made dinner for them. Amelia didn’t eat much at the party as food was an instant sickness trigger, but she knew her recipes well enough that she could cook them without tasting. She loved cooking for people. It was her way of connecting and offering friendship. Despite being more than a little pregnant now, she insisted on hosting. Frankie had tried to stop her but she refused.
According to Frankie, Kyle was wonderful. He was funny and handsome. He genuinely seemed to like Frankie, which Amelia decided just meant he was a solid dude with good taste in people. And most importantly, he was out.
“I’m really happy for you,” she had told Frankie in the hallway before they left. “I think Kyle’s great. Are you guys serious?”
“Yeah, I think so,” he’d said, unable to contain the smile on his face. “I really like him. He’s different. He’s… real.”
“Well, I think it’s wonderful. I couldn’t be happier for you,” Amelia replied, squeezing his arm.
“I could be happier for you, Ames,” Frankie replied. “I wish you’d let me help more.”
“It’s not your fight,” Amelia replied. “I’ll be fine. I’ve got you. I’m just not going to take over your life with this. It’s not right, and it’s not fair.”
“I think you’re being an idiot, but what do I know?” Frankie laughed.
“I can’t spoil things for you two right now. Not when you’re just getting to know each other,” Amelia said.
“Ames,” Frankie whispered. “I think I’m falling in love with him.”
“Well, no shit,” Amelia said, laughing.
“What’s new with him?” Frankie said quietly, obviously meaning Theodore.
“He texts me,” she confessed. “I ignore him. It’s too hard. What am I going to say? At this point, the truth is just entrapment.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Frankie replied. “Honestly, I think he deserves to know. He’s not making an informed decision without all the pieces.”
“I can’t ruin his life,” Amelia said sadly. “It’s not fair, and I won’t do it to him. He’s just starting his career, which he obviously cares about more than me. It’s emotional warfare to use a baby against him to get what I want. And it’s not even what I want. I don’t want to be with someone because he feels obligated.”
“I think you’re underestimating him,” Frankie said gently. “But what do I know? Just take care of yourself. And you’ve always got me.”
“I do always have you,” Amelia said, resting her head on his shoulder.
Kyle emerged from Amelia’s bathroom and helped Frankie on with his coat. “Are you ready?” he asked, giving Frankie’s hand a squeeze. Amelia felt her heart flood with happiness as she watched someone care about her friend as much as she did. Fuck that stupid frat boy jock, she thought. Frankie was the best man she knew, and if he was too scared to see it, it was his loss.
“Kyle, it’s so nice to meet you,” she said, giving him a hug. “I hope you come over again soon.”
“Thanks for having us,” Kyle replied, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “Dinner was amazing. Frankie wasn’t exaggerating about your cooking.”
Frankie shrugged and laughed. “I find flattery is the best way to get a free meal.”
Amelia stood in the doorway and waved goodbye as they walked away down the sidewalk, hand in hand. Frankie was happy, and that made her happy, but seeing them together wasn’t as easy as she had thought it would be. It made her miss Theodore, and as she lay in bed that night, she considered Frankie’s words.
Perhaps she should tell him. Maybe she did owe it to him to be honest. But that would complicate things, and Amelia couldn’t afford that right now. She didn’t know if she could trust him. He had bolted at the first sign of trouble, and although she understood his limitations and all that he had to lose, she couldn’t help but feel that if he really wanted to, he’d have fought harder for her.
22
Theodore sat alone in the coffee shop the day after New Year’s, hoping to see Amelia working a shift. She wasn’t, but he recognized her friend. And apparently, her friend recognized him, because he said something to the other barista, stared at Theodore, and walked over to his table.
“Hi,” Theodore said. “You’re Amelia’s friend, right?”
“What do you want?” her friend asked coldly.
“What’s your name?” Theodore asked, hoping to diffuse the tension between them.
“Frankie. What do you want?” he repeated.
“How’s Amelia?” Theodore asked hesitantly.
“She’s fine,” Frankie replied shortly.
“Will you ask her to call me?” Theodore asked.
“Why? What could you possibly have to say to her that you haven’t been texting for a month?”
“Just ask her to call me, okay?” Theodore said, irritated.
“Whatever. You’re a real idiot, you know that?” Frankie glared at him, turned, and walked to the storeroom in the back of the café.
Theodore sat dumbfounded. He wasn’t used to being admonished in public by baristas, but he didn’t feel he had much of a defense. He was an idiot. And her friend had every right to be pissed at him, he rationalized. Still, he felt uncomfortable sitting there, sipping his coffee after being yelled at by a college student, so he deposited his cup in the dish bin and pushed his way out the doors back onto the street.
Theodore was going to fix things. It was a New Year’s resolution of sorts, sure, but that sounded so hollow. It was more like his life’s mission at this point. He’d spent the holidays snowed in, alone in his dark apartment filled with boxes, eating Chinese food and pizza, writing, drinking, and feeling generally fucking miserable.
It had become clear to him in his isolation that Amelia was an enormous part of his life and he was unwilling to give her up. Careers came and went, but she wasn’t expendable. He wasn’t sure what his plan was yet, but he was making one. First step was to talk to her. Make her listen. Get her to forgive him. Then figure out where to go from there. It didn’t matter what the plan was at this point, only that they were together.
But Amelia didn’t call Theodore, despite his request that Frankie tell her to. She didn’t return his texts. She wasn’t at home when he knocked on the door, or at least she wasn’t answering. He felt like a creep staking out the coffee shop, waiting for her to show up. He wasn’t even comfortable sitting inside and drinking coffee when he saw Frankie working there, given the venomous looks Frankie aimed at him. He couldn’t afford a scene.
After three weeks of lurking outside the cafe, checking morning and evening, he finally caught a glimpse of her through the window. And what he saw made his heart drop to his shoes.
Amelia was laughing. She held a dishrag, her head back, her long hair tied up in a loose bun. She seemed to be glowing, happy, and alive. Too absorbed in whatever was going on, she didn’t see him standing outside the window, and beside her, Frankie was also laughing.
Theodore stood outside in the cold and considered his options. He could walk away. He could try to get over her, but that wasn’t working very well so far. Or he could go inside and talk to her. It might be his only opportunity, since she was so hard to pin down these days.
As Theodore stood outside in the frosty air, he wondered whether Amelia had moved on. She seemed so happy and relaxed. He didn’t like feeling suspicious, but
there was something about the way she laughed and touched her friend, Frankie, that made him jealous. Were they together?
As he gazed in the yellow store window, his heart skipped a beat and he felt his stomach lurch. Frankie reached out and touched Amelia’s stomach, curving his hand over her apron. It was a gesture he recognized instinctually—a parental gesture, that of an expectant parent.
Amelia was pregnant. She had to be. She was happy and glowing, and the way Frankie touched her left little doubt in his mind that there was more going on than he understood from his vantage point outside in the cold. His mind ran through a gamut of scenarios.
Was it his? Surely she would have told him if that was the case. She would have turned to him for support, wouldn’t she? If he had gotten her pregnant, she would have called him and expected him to participate, to care for her during her pregnancy. As Theodore watched her, it seemed that the role of the father lay with Frankie.
He wondered who this guy was. What did he know about him? He’d been around as long as Theodore and Amelia had been involved, and Theodore hadn’t had a problem with them. Had Frankie just been waiting in the shadows for things to sour before stepping in and making his move?
It had been almost two months since Amelia and Theodore stopped seeing each other. Two months of hell for him, and he resented her happiness a little as he watched her lay her hand on top of Frankie’s, who was still touching her belly, their heads together in some sort of secretive conversation, both smiling. Had she moved on that quickly?
She wasn’t showing, or not enough to tell she was pregnant. He wondered how long it took for a woman to show. Theodore’s mind was a blur, and he was totally incapable of doing the math required to understand the timeline of this new development. He could speculate all he wanted outside the window. It wouldn’t do him any good.
Theodore debated his next step, his face frozen in confusion and surprise, staring at the two of them behind the counter. To his horror, he realized that Amelia was staring back at him, her face hard and expressionless.
