by Bella Grant
His heart pounded as he wavered between running away and going inside to face her. Realizing how cowardly it would be leave at this point, to blow any shot of reconciliation with her, Theodore placed his hand on the door handle and pulled.
Frankie was still holding her stomach when he approached them. Theodore’s forehead was cool with a thin film of sweat, and he felt a lump in his throat as he tried to formulate a coherent thought.
“Amelia,” he said in a hoarse whisper.
“Theodore,” she replied coolly.
“I’ve been trying to call you,” he said. “Text you. I’ve… I’ve been trying.”
“I know,” she said. “I didn’t want to talk to you.”
“Amelia, I’m sorry.”
“I know,” she said. “You’ve said that many times.”
Theodore’s face grew warm, and he realized that Frankie was staring at him, a hostile look on his face. He cleared his throat and lowered his voice. “Can we talk somewhere? Privately?” He glanced at Frankie, whose hand remained fixed on Amelia’s stomach.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Amelia answered. “And really, anything you need to say you should be able to say here. Aren’t you supposed to stay away from me, anyway? You told me we couldn’t have any contact. So what could you possibly have to say to me that you can’t say in front of Frankie?”
“Fine,” Theodore said. He struggled with himself, aware that he had fucked up but also feeling that having to do this with an audience wasn’t quite fair. “Look, I don’t give a shit what happens to my job anymore. I love you, Amelia. I want to be with you. But I have to know,” he said, staring at Frankie’s hand on her apron, “Are you pregnant?”
Amelia looked at Frankie, who made a face. She shook her head a little and said, “It’s okay.”
Frankie turned to Theodore and repeated his words from that night three weeks earlier. “You really are an idiot,” he sneered. “A fucking idiot.”
Theodore bristled. Had it not been for Amelia standing there, he would have taken offense and possibly instigated a fight. But Amelia frowned. “Frankie,” she said sharply.
“Fine,” Frankie replied, shaking his head. “I’ll be in the back if you need me.”
Theodore watched him walk away and felt the anger in his chest dissipate. Amelia stared at him intently, as if she was searching for answers to questions she hadn’t yet asked.
“Amelia, please tell me,” Theodore said softly, his eyes wide and imploring. “Are you pregnant?”
“Yes,” she answered.
Theodore felt his breath catch. Clearing his throat, he said hoarsely, “Is it… is it his?”
“Jesus. He’s right about you, you know. You are a fucking idiot.”
“Amelia,” Theodore begged, desperate for a straight answer.
“No,” she replied. Her cheeks were red, and she stared at the counter for a moment before looking up at him, her eyes brimming with tears. “It’s yours.”
23
“How long have you known?” Theodore asked, staring at her with a look she couldn’t quite place. Horror? No, that wasn’t it. Excitement? Confusion? She couldn’t tell what he was feeling, and it terrified her.
“A while,” Amelia answered, unwilling to be more specific until she knew his feelings.
“You’ve got to do better than that,” Theodore begged. “A while? How long? Why didn’t you tell me? Dammit, Amelia. I had a right to know.”
“You know now,” she answered coldly. “And you don’t have a right. Not after you ended things.”
“It wasn’t my choice,” Theodore protested.
“Not your choice?” Amelia scoffed. “Are you fucking kidding me? This whole thing was your choice.”
“That’s not fair,” Theodore said, his voice strained. “You know I didn’t have a choice. They told me I had to stop seeing you.”
“Bullshit,” Amelia shot back. “You know who didn’t have a choice? Me. You tell me all the things I want to hear, and you fuck me, and the next time I see you, you’re telling me it’s over. No discussion. Just over. That is what it feels like not to have a choice in the matter. So yeah, I kept this from you. Because it’s my decision now. You’re not a part of my life anymore, and I sure as fuck can’t depend on you. You’ve made that abundantly clear.”
“Amelia, I didn’t know!” Theodore protested. Hot tears spilled out of Amelia’s eyes, and she wiped them away quickly with the back of her hand. “How could you think so little of me? Do you really think that if I had known you were pregnant I would walk out on you? I had no idea!”
Amelia looked at him distrustfully. He reached out for her. She wanted to fall into his arms and let his warm embrace melt away all the fear and anger and resentment that had built up between them, but she couldn’t bring herself to believe in him again, not with a wound so fresh and vulnerable and her heart not yet healed.
Theodore tried to put his hand on her stomach, but she recoiled. The look of pain and sadness that flashed across his face made her regret her movements, but this was no longer about her. She had a child to think about now, and Theodore had not proven himself to be a man she could depend on. The only man she could trust was Frankie. Not the baby’s father. Not Theodore.
“Amelia, I could tell you that this changes everything. And it does. Nothing will be the same now. But it doesn’t change how I felt about you when I walked in here, and it doesn’t change how I’ve felt since we ended things.”
“Since you ended things,” Amelia cut him off.
“Since I ended things,” Theodore corrected himself. “I came in here tonight because I want a life with you. I can’t imagine going through this world without you, and knowing that we have a child coming… That makes me more certain than ever. You’re the woman I need. You’re the woman I want. Please, please, Amelia. Give me another chance to prove I’m the man you can trust.”
“Do you know when I found out?” Amelia asked, her voice flat. “The day you broke up with me. So you’ll forgive me if I don’t fall all over myself because you decided I’m what you want. When you came to my apartment, you didn’t even let me speak. It wasn't a discussion. You just told me how it would be, and you left. And that… I don’t know if I can forgive you for that. How can I possibly depend on you when you’ve never been there for me when I needed you? You’re a risky bet, Theodore. And I don’t have the freedom to gamble with my life right now. It’s not about you. It’s about my child, and I’ll do whatever I think is right.”
“You’re right,” Theodore said, his voice cracking. Amelia looked into his eyes and saw them brimming with tears of his own, threatening to spill over. “I fucked you over. And I understand that you can’t forgive me yet. And I don’t know what it will take to prove to you that I’m here for you and that you can depend on me, but I’ll promise you this. I will be here. I’m not going anywhere. Not without you. Both of you.”
Theodore reached out and placed his hand on Amelia’s stomach. She didn’t recoil. She stood there, feeling the warmth of his fingers spread over the gentle bump barely swelling beneath her apron, hidden from sight. Theodore looked deep into her eyes, and Amelia saw the same pain she felt radiating back at her. She wasn’t alone in this. The hurt she felt was visible in him, too.
“Theodore,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “I needed you.”
“I need you, too,” he said softly. “I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I want to believe that,” she said, the tears slipping down her face.
“What can I do to make you trust me again?” he asked, his face wild with a look of desperation.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I… I guess just be there for us.”
24
Theodore stood awkwardly against the counter, wondering how he could possibly make things right with Amelia. As he considered his options, one thought pressed through, a thought he could no longer ignore.
“Amelia, I have to ask you someth
ing,” he said nervously, not sure he even wanted to know the truth. “Is there… something going on with you and that guy? Frankie?”
Amelia’s jaw dropped. She was silent for a moment, and then let out a sharp laugh, clapping a hand over her mouth. Theodore flinched. “Seriously?” she asked, her voice filled with disbelief. “Is that what you’re worried about? Dude, Frankie’s gay. Are you actually telling me you’re jealous of him?”
“Oh,” Theodore stammered, his face turning red as Amelia laughed at him. He felt the tips of his ears burning, and he felt like a fool. “No, of course not. I just… I don’t know. You’re so close and he… I mean… I didn’t realize.”
“Oh my God,” Amelia said, shaking her head. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”
“I’m starting to realize that,” Theodore confessed. “I’m an idiot. Frankie was totally right. I… wow. Yeah, I guess I was jealous.”
Amelia stopped laughing, and her face was serious again. “I still don’t see how this changes things,” she told him. “I don’t know where this leaves us.”
“Well, I’ll tell you this,” Theodore said matter-of-factly. “I’m not going anywhere. If you’ll have me.”
“What about your job?” Amelia asked. “What if we get caught again?”
“Honestly, darling,” he replied, “I couldn’t give less of a fuck about that.”
Theodore pulled Amelia into his arms. With one arm around her waist and his other hand at the nape of her neck, he leaned in and kissed her. All the love he felt for her—a love that had multiplied beyond comprehension in the last twenty minutes standing in the bright café with the woman who was carrying his child—came through in that kiss. He felt Amelia grow weak in his arms, leaning into his embrace, meeting it, answering it with her own love that he so desperately needed.
“Jesus,” Amelia sighed as Theodore released her from his grip. “You nearly knocked me off my feet.”
“That’s okay,” Theodore smiled. “I’m going to be here to catch you.”
Frankie was watching them. Realizing now how stupid his jealousy had been, how unfounded and petty, Theodore felt embarrassed. Frankie was a good friend, and Amelia was lucky to have him. He smiled from across the room at Frankie and gave him a little nod. Frankie smiled back. Approaching them, he pulled Amelia into a hug.
“About time, don’t you think?” he said to Theodore over her shoulder. “Glad you two kids made up.”
“Me too,” Theodore said. “You were right, by the way. I was a real idiot.”
“Well, the first step is recognizing you have a problem,” quipped Frankie, giving him a wink.
“I have to finish my shift,” Amelia said, looking up at Theodore. “You should probably go.”
“I’m afraid to leave,” Theodore told her. “What if you disappear on me?”
“I won’t,” she replied. She paused a moment and then added, “You can come over tonight, if you want. I’ll be home around nine.”
“I’ll be waiting on your doorstep,” Theodore replied. He kissed her again, pulled her tightly against him, and kissed the top of her head. “I’ll see you soon.”
When Amelia got off work, Theodore was indeed waiting on her doorstep for her. He had a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a bottle of sparkling apple cider in the other. He jumped up when he saw her and rushed to take her bag.
“I’m pregnant, I’m not an invalid,” Amelia laughed, shooing him away. Still, she was pleased to see him acting so sweet and attentive. He guessed that she wasn’t sure what to expect when she invited him over, but his behavior was a good sign. And more important was that he meant it. He was going to be her rock.
“I guess we should talk,” Theodore said as he closed the door behind them. “I mean, what are we going to name it—he? She? Is it a boy or a girl? Where will we live? Or, I mean, will we live together?”
“One at a time.” Amelia smiled, lowering herself onto the couch. Theodore sat next to her and placed his hand on her stomach.
“I want to be here with you,” Theodore said, looking deeply into her eyes. “I want to be here every minute of every day for you and our child. It worries me to think of you living alone. You’ll need help. Let me be that help.”
“What about your place?” Amelia asked.
“My lease is up in a month, and I haven’t unpacked my boxes from the last move. It just doesn’t feel like a home to me. You do. You’re my home now.”
“You’re my home, too,” Amelia responded, nuzzling her face in his neck.
25
Amelia spent the second half of her pregnancy at home. When she found out she was pregnant, she immediately contacted the Registrar’s office on campus and worked out a way to complete her courses so she could still graduate on time. She arranged to take independent credits to complete her requirements for graduation, and she did so without explaining to the university why she wasn’t taking courses on campus. It wasn’t that odd to have seniors who worked remotely during their final semester. She didn’t need to be sitting in a class since she had so diligently completed all the coursework required for her degree long before. And, she thought to herself with satisfaction, after she submitted her final thesis paper in May, she would have a month to prepare for the arrival of her child.
Their child, she corrected herself. Not just hers, but also his. Theodore had moved in with her in early spring, giving up his apartment to share the burden of hers. And much to her surprise, they made excellent roommates. Roommates and lovers. None of his habits bothered her, and she was as deeply attracted to him as the first time they had kissed. Only now, he was the father of her unborn child, and that made him sexy in a way she wouldn’t have been able to fathom prior to this point.
Over the course of the cold, wet, soggy spring together, Amelia and Theodore made a home out of what was previously just a place to live. They baby-proofed the apartment and picked out onesies and stuffed animals. They were having a daughter, and they spent the evenings discussing names while Theodore put together a crib on the living room floor and Amelia watched him from her nest on the couch.
Because it was summer now, the campus was empty and most of the faculty were away on vacations and sabbaticals. Amelia had been away for a semester, and they weren’t on anyone’s radar anymore. As far as the university was concerned, the whole ordeal was behind them. Still, it worried Amelia to think that maybe it wasn’t over, and that there was a possibility that Theodore could be fired for continuing his involvement with her. For Amelia, it was a gray zone. He had been warned to end his involvement with her, but she was a student then. Now, as a graduate, and as parents, surely things were different. But would the university see it that way?
By the time the fall semester loomed on the horizon, Amelia felt that it was an issue that needed to be dealt with. She was tired of hiding and sick of the threat of the university where she had worked so hard. It wasn’t their business, and after going through all the potential arguments the administration could pose to them and rebutting each one on a notepad, Amelia decided it was time to approach Theodore.
“We really need to talk to them,” she told him. “It’s better to be up front about it than worry about it blowing up in our faces. I think it will be fine. But your review is coming up, right? We should just take care of it.” Their daughter, Lucy, was almost two months old, and Amelia bounced her on her hip while she spoke to Theodore, who was preparing his lesson plans at the kitchen table.
“I know,” Theodore replied. “I’ve been thinking that, too.”
“They have no authority here,” Amelia insisted. “I’m no longer a student. If they threaten to fire you, I really think we should get a lawyer. But that seems unlikely. It’s more important now that you get back on the right footing with them so that tenure is still a possibility in the future. Your review needs to go well.”
“They won’t fire me,” Theodore replied calmly. “They’re reasonable people, in their own way. But I agree, I need a good review
. I think we should appeal to their human side first. There is one thing that will make it easier.”
“Oh?” asked Amelia, smiling distractedly as Lucy sucked on her fingers.
“Yes,” Theodore said, gazing at his beautiful family. “If you’re up for it.”
“I’m all ears,” Amelia answered, looking at him curiously.
Theodore stood up and reached into his coat hanging on the hook by the door. “I’ve been meaning to do this for a while,” Theodore said, “But we’ve been so busy with Lucy and I was waiting for the right moment.”
Amelia’s heart beat double-time in her chest.
“And then I realized that every moment is the right moment with you,” Theodore explained. “There is no perfect moment. There’s just our life—our perfect, messy, diaper-filled life.” He laughed, kissing Lucy on the top of her head.
Amelia stopped bouncing and she held her breath, watching as Theodore dropped to one knee before her. Holding out a little box, he said, “Amelia, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? I know we’ve had a rough go of things, but there is no one I can imagine loving more in the world than you.”
“Yes,” Amelia said breathlessly. “Yes. Of course, yes.”
Theodore stood, holding the ring. “I’m going to need her hand for a moment, sweet girl,” he said in a sing-song voice to Lucy. Amelia removed her fingers from Lucy’s mouth and held out her left hand. Theodore slipped the diamond onto her ring finger, and Amelia gazed at it in wonder.
“I can’t believe this is my life,” she whispered. “I spent so many years alone, and now, I have a family to love. It’s incredible.”
“You’re incredible,” Theodore said, kissing her forehead.
In the sweltering heat of the late summer, Theodore and Amelia tied the knot. They had agreed the most logical solution to their wedding situation was a quickie at City Hall. They got married in the company of friends with a judge officiating. Amelia wore a knee-length white sheath dress with a boat neck collar and three-quarter length sleeves. She carried a bouquet of peonies, and wore a locket with Lucy’s picture in it. Theodore wore a nicely cut gray suit, and Lucy wore a blue dress, covering both the “new” and the “blue” aspects of the tradition.
