The Tragedy of Loving Jamie Clarke

by Cohen, Rebecca R.

  “I don’t think so,” I reply flatly.

  His eyebrows arch and his lips curl downward. He probably doesn’t hear “no” very often. It’s not that I want to say no to him but I don’t want to become a punchline for the rest of the school when he realizes that I am a big loser.

  “We’re not all assholes.”

  “What?”

  “I saw what happened outside. How those guys were messing with you,” Jamie begins as my heart sinks to my feet. I knew he saw what happened. “But we’re not all like that. Not all guys are jerks.”

  Every time he speaks to me a bead of sweat flies down my back. I have never gotten into trouble in class before but I am almost wishing Mrs. Honor will look up and see Jamie talking to me. His voice, his eyes, everything about him is making me nervous so getting lectured by the teacher would be a welcomed distraction.

  “I’m sorry but I can’t,” I stare at the front of the room where Mrs. Honor is reading through the class syllabus.

  “Can I ask why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why you won’t show me around.”

  Because I am afraid I’ll act like an idiot and you’ll run screaming for the hills. Because you’re gorgeous and I’m a plain Jane and I am going to bore you. Because I’m the Tin Man Hunchback of Perkins Harbor. Because once you get to know me you’ll wish you never asked. Because there is no way you could be interested in me… I have a million other reasons floating around in my brain but what I say is:

  “I don’t have the time, I’m sorry.”

  “Okay. Well if your schedule clears up let me know,” Jamie says as he puts the pen in his mouth like a cigarette and smiles at me.

  Ugh! Sometimes I wish I could be more like Amber. For once I’d like to not second-guess myself. I would like that confidence to do and say as I please without fear. I want to say yes to Jamie. I want to believe that he is interested in hanging out with me without thinking he is asking because he has no one else to ask. And a few weeks ago I might have believed it but the moment Dr. Meresh pulled straps and locked me in this nightmare my entire world crumbled.

  “Of course I find William Shakespeare to be the most interesting of writers,” says Mrs. Honor.” Who has other interesting writers they admire?” As she asks she looks towards me. Although I don’t enjoy bringing attention to myself, I aspire to be a writer some day and I raise my hand. “I enjoy the works of Lewis Carroll, Jane Austen, Leo Tolstoy and Mark Twain. I have always been drawn to their style of writing because it always felt more truthful.” I grew up with literary classics and the desire to read is in my blood. Before she can respond, the second bell rings ending the class.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow class,” Mrs. Honor says.

  I bolt out of the room hoping that Jamie isn’t behind me but as I round the corner I feel a tap on my shoulder.

  “April, I don’t mean to bother you but do you think you could show me where the gym is? Apparently whoever makes the class schedules thought it would be funny to give me gym this early in the morning,” Jamie says as he swings his backpack over his shoulder.

  I am officially screwed. The gym is on the way to my locker and I have to meet Amber there.

  “Okay,” I reply and start toward the gym without turning around to make sure he’s following.

  “Have you lived here your whole life?” Jamie asks.

  “Yes,” I reply. “Most people who live here have lived here their entire lives.”

  “I never thought that I would be living in a small town. I have seen shows and movies about small towns but to actually be living in one it’s sort of surreal.”

  “Living here is sort of like living in a weird reality show.”

  “You don’t seem too happy about that.”

  “No, I love it here. Perkins Harbor is probably one of the nicer places to live. It’s not threatening the way some of the bigger cities and towns are but not much happens here in the way of excitement.”

  Jamie laughs. I didn’t say anything funny. Oh my God is there something on my face like an ink mark or makeup smudge and that’s why he’s laughing? Crap, crap, crap. There is no way I can check because I don’t have a mirror. This is exactly why I wanted to avoid him altogether so I don’t have freak out like this.

  Don’t look at him. Keep your face forward.

  “Doesn’t it get kind of boring, though?” Jamie asks as he pulls ahead of me and walks backward so we’re face-to-face. “I mean this town is so small I can’t imagine there is a lot to do.”

  “It can be if you don’t have any hobbies or things to keep it interesting.”

  This is why I should have kept my mouth shut. Remember the dumb things I was so afraid of saying? Well, this would be one of them because now he is going to ask me what my hobbies are and let’s face it, telling a boy you’re obsessed with a boy band isn’t exactly a turn on.

  “Hobbies? Like what?” Jamie asks, surprise, surprise.

  “Nothing special,” I reply as we reach the gym. “I’m pretty boring.”

  The hallway is flooded with students some of whom stare at us as they brush by. We’re on display and now everyone will witness my stupidity.

  Jamie smiles and cocks his head to the side. “People who call themselves boring are anything but, April.” I think if he asked Amber she would say I am. “Somehow I doubt you’re boring.”

  I glance down the hall to plan my escape and coming right toward us are the two freshman boys from this morning. “Well, here is the gym, obviously. So…enjoy.”

  I start to back away …..”Hunchback” the pierced freshman shouts from down the hall. “You haven’t returned to Notre Dame?”

  Jamie’s eyes dart in the boy's direction. His lips flatten and his brows furrow. “The only hunch is on your dick, turd,” says Jamie as he steps towards them with his fists clenched.

  The freshmen rush off chuckling to themselves and disappear around the corner.

  “Are you okay?” Jamie asks turning toward me. “I nod. My head is pounding and my arms are trembling. I am used to Amber coming to my defense but I’ve barely said ten words to Jamie and yet he was ready to beat the hell out of those kids.

  “I’ve got to go,” I stammer as I start to walk away.

  “Wait, seriously, are you sure you’re okay?” Jamie asks.

  I smile and nod as I head down the hallway toward my locker. I’ve never had a guy come to my defense before especially not one I just met. I want to get out of here and find Amber.

  “I’m fine,” I shout.

  “April,” Jamie starts but I raise my hand for him to stop.

  “I promise. I’m good. You think I can’t handle a couple of freshmen boys making immature jokes at my expense? I’ve heard it all before.”

  What a load of crap. This is what I was afraid of when I first became bound to this brace, but I didn’t expect it to hurt as much. I want to crawl under my covers and stay there until Dr. Meresh tells me I no longer have to wear this cage.

  “Well, then I think you’re stronger than those guys realize, April Marks!” He winks at me and disappears into the gym.

  ~4~

  I run through the wave of students rushing to get to their next classes. I feel like I’m running through an obstacle course of book bags and bodies.

  “Hey, watch it!” says one tall blond girl as I breeze by her and accidentally knock into her.

  “Sorry!” I shout as I continue to make my way through the sea of students. I see Amber at the end of the hall digging through her locker. I push past the remainder of students in my way and I’m panting by the time I reach her.

  “Damn Ape, where’s the fire?” Amber says as she shoves a few books into her locker.

  “Jamie. That’s the new boy you were talking about. I met him, he’s gorgeous and he wants to hang out with me, but obviously I said no,” I blurt out louder than I had wanted and Charlie Hanss, who happens to be passing by with a group of friends, gives me a playful wink.

  Amb
er grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me. “What! Are you serious? What’s he like? Is he as beautiful as I thought? And why the hell would you say no!” Amber says excitedly.

  “Charlie heard me! I feel bad now,” I say to Amber, who scoffs.

  “Who cares, Ape, he’s your ex and that was in middle school.”

  Amber is right about Charlie, but I still have guilt for hurting him the way I did. We had a messy break up and didn’t speak for almost a year but what could I do? He was always way more into me than I ever was into him.

  “Why did you say no? Did you have a stroke or something?” Amber asks, as she zips her bag closed.

  “Shh! Keep your voice down, I don’t want the entire school knowing my business.”

  She slams her locker shut and grabs my arm with her free hand and pulls me down the hall toward the only class the three of us have together, Science. She’s practically buzzing. Amber has always found my love life, or lack thereof, more interesting than her own.

  “No, I didn’t have a stroke,” I reply as we enter the empty classroom, which is three rows of desk chairs, a chalkboard and a wooden desk up front for the teachers, an American flag hanging over the door and fluorescent ceiling lights that constantly flicker.

  Some of the rooms at Perkins are so similar that if you accidentally walk into the wrong class you wouldn’t know it until the teacher began his or her lesson (yes, I have done this a few times before).

  “Then why would you say no? He’s beautiful and he seems normal enough,” Amber whines as she slides into the desk chair next me.

  “Because, why would he want me, of all people, to show him around?”

  “Oh God here we go!” Amber waves a fist in the air.

  “Excuse me?” I cross my arms and stand facing her.

  Amber, always being dramatic, slaps her hand against her forehead and proceeds to bang it on the desk.

  “You always do this. Every time a guy expresses any interest in you, you run the opposite direction. You second guess yourself and think he’s only asking out of pity or on a dare or something.”

  Even though she’s right, I play dumb. “What are you talking about? I don’t do that.”

  “Oh come on, April, you do too and you know it. Need I bring up Kyle Wells? He obviously liked you. He followed you everywhere and asked you out almost every day but you refused to believe it so you turned him down and then what happened? He moved and you lived with the regret of saying no for almost a year. Do you really want to make the same mistake again?”

  “Come on. Look at me. There is no way he is remotely interested.”

  Amber is using her wispy serious voice, something I’m not used to. “Why, because you have to wear a back brace?”

  “Come on, Ape, be realistic,” Amber says, as she pulls her copy of Science: A Beginning, out of her bag.

  “I am being realistic. It is all I have been since my brace was upgraded.”

  When Dr. Meresh showed me the new, “high-profile,” brace for the first time and explained how it would work I “realistically” realized this new brace wouldn’t be as easy to hide as the last one, the one without this neck halo. I’ve been realistic since a little boy in town pointed at me and said to his mother, “Mommy, what’s wrong with that girl?”

  “There’s no way, Amber. Especially not after what those freshman boys said right in front of him.”

  Amber throws her hand up and her eyes bug out of her head more than they already do. “Whoa! Those jerks said something to you again? I swear I am going to kick their little asses!”

  I giggle. “That’s exactly what I had to stop Jamie from doing.” Amber grabs my arm and slaps it until it stings. “Ouch! What the hell?”

  “You’re telling me the hot, gorgeous, new boy came to your rescue like a Disney prince and you still said no to hanging out?” Now Amber is not going to let it go. “Oh. My. God. Ape. He didn’t ask you to sleep with him, he asked you to show him around. Besides if you don’t go I will make you listen to a 24-hour N’sync marathon.”

  No! Not N’sync! I have been loyal to the Backstreet Boys ever since mom took me to see them in concert a few years ago. She had won tickets from our local radio station and thought I could use the pick-me-up. After some convincing I agreed to go and my life changed. The boys soared on stage and made me feel like they understood everything I was going through. I know it’s crazy but I felt like they were singing right to me and I was hooked.

  Although boy bands once dominated the music scene, the once heated rivalry between the Backstreet Boys fans and N*sync fans does not exist simply because neither group is relevant anymore. Still, I remain a loyal fan of the boys from Orlando and for me, listening to N’sync is not only against the rules it is torture for a true Backstreet Boys devotee. Amber is playing dirty.

  As much as I don’t want to give in, I refuse to betray my boys.

  “Fine, I’ll find him at lunch and tell him” I reply.

  “Aww, my little girl is growing up,” Amber hugs my arm and bats her eyelashes.

  Amber Hills has been my best friend since forever. Our parents work at The Anchor, the best resort hotel in town with an unbeatable view of the ocean. Our mothers became pregnant around the same time and we often joke that we’re twins just not with the same blood or looks. I mean I was born only a few minutes before Amber. Our personalities however, couldn’t be more different. I don’t enjoy the party scene and Amber basically lives in it, occasionally dragging me out from time-to-time and only when she plays the, “Come on Ape you’re my best friend you have to come with me,” guilt card. Amber is into sports and is the captain of the girls’ lacrosse team whereas I don’t partake in any after school activities, other than visiting the Perkins Harbor Library and taking out a few literary masterpieces like Pride and Prejudice, Little Women, and Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Despite our differences, Amber has been rock solid throughout this whole scoliosis ordeal and I don’t think I would be able to handle it without her.

  I slap Amber’s arm as Mr. Marshall walks in with the rest of the class following behind him. Science is my least favorite subject and today I hate it even more because it is the class that is separating me from an hour of freedom during lunch.

  The bell chimes after what has felt like an entire day of discussing how the reproductive system works. I thought this was a topic designated for senior year Health Class. I really don’t feel comfortable hearing my teacher, a male teacher no less, describing in detail how sex works. I have already had that conversation with my parents and that was bad enough.

  “I bet I know who you pictured during Mr. Marshall’s lecture,” Amber boasts as we file out of the classroom.

  “Shut up,” I give her a good nudge so she falls into Dustin Haines who squeals like a pig. “Not everyone thinks about sex all the time, Amber.”

  She laughs off my attempt to call her out on her sexcapades and pulls me through the mass of students all heading toward the cafeteria.

  The clamor of hungry teenagers gnaws at my nerves and I am freaking out. I told Amber I would find Jamie at lunch and agree to show him around but now that lunch has come I’m wishing I had more time.

  The cafeteria is packed and the line for food is halfway out the door. I guess I will have to wait for my day-old pizza. The room is vibrant and alive and I can’t make out any of the nonsensical chatter except for the one going on next to me between Liza Blake and her boyfriend, Jeremy Klein.

  “I saw you talking to Ashley. I thought you were over her,” Liza says accusingly.

  “I am. She was asking for the notes from class since she came late, that’s all,” Jeremy replies defensively.

  “Oh please, Jeremy, you don’t think I know what’s really going on? I’m not dumb,” Liza retorts, to which I have to keep myself from laughing.

  Liza Blake takes the meaning of “dumb blonde” to a whole other level. But her brain isn’t why Jeremy is with her. Liza struts around school like a Victoria’s Secret model wa
lking the runway and doesn’t believe in waiting until the fourth date before sleeping with a guy. Although I’ve often envied her beauty, I’d rather be the plain girl with chocolate hair, dark eyes and flat lips than a girl who has guys drooling over themselves to get to her because she is “easy.”

  As entertaining as it is to stand here and listen to their ridiculous argument I am on a mission. I have to find Jamie. Usually Amber and I will spend the lunch hour gossiping but today Amber is avoiding me. How do I know? She just brushed by me and winked. She knows my mission and she is determined to make sure I stay on course. Why did I ever agree to this nonsense?

  “You have been here before, haven’t you?” Jamie asks, sneaking up behind me.

  I whirl around and hope that seeing him a second time will make him less attractive. Nope! He makes the tray of old pizza and flat soda look tasty. He licks his bottom lip and I am wondering what it would be like to kiss him. Yeah, because this is helping to calm my nerves, nicely done.

  “Why? Do you need me to show you around the cafeteria too?” I joke.

  “Well, I might. After all you never know what might happen should I be left to fend for myself,” he replies.

  Well if you’re that at risk for damage you might want to hire yourself a tour guide, which is something Amber would want me to say and but knows I never would. He nudges me and winks. Oh God, I hope he doesn’t feel the brace. Since the plastic wraps around my back and torso I can hide it somewhat with clothing but I can’t do anything about people feeling it when they touch me. I miss the old brace. The one without the metal bars that might as well be flashing neon colors with all the attention they’ve attracted. The old brace sucked but at least with that one I didn’t feel like I was a monster waiting to be taken out by the townspeople. Why did my stupid back have to keep curving?