Living with Embers: (Son of Rain #4)

by Michelle Irwin

  “I hurt people today,” I said. “At the time, I thought they deserved it.”

  “But you don’t anymore?”

  I pursed my lips and considered what to tell her. After her admission that she could tell if I was lying, I decided to stick to the whole truth. “Honestly, I don’t know what to think anymore.”

  “Your dad convinced him that I was a threat to him,” Evie explained. Her tone was almost condescending, as if she was trying to say I was foolish for believing it. “Clay was led to believe that I was the one who caused his memory loss.”

  “Dad?” Louise’s face paled further and the edges of her eyes pinched. Her lips puckered as though she’d tasted something sour. “That man doesn’t deserve that title.”

  Before I could argue back that she didn’t know what she was talking about, Evie stepped between us and begged for Louise to keep the truth hidden. As she spoke, it was as if there was something more intended in her words, but I didn’t know what that could be.

  “What is the plan though?” Louise asked. “Pretend to be a happy family forever with a practical stranger?”

  I swallowed hard. Just like Evie and everyone else, she considered me separate and distinct from the person I apparently used to be—Saint Fucking Clay who couldn’t do anything wrong, except he had and it’d almost killed his wife.

  “No. Not forever. Just long enough for the trial and then for Clay to find his own way.” Within a day of having me instead of him, she had already planned how she would kick me out. “Then we’ll say goodbye.”

  Although Louise agreed to keep the truth quiet, I worried about her terms—only if it’s not causing anyone any harm. How would she determine if it was, because I was pretty certain both Evie and I would suffer before the end. Her because I looked like the man she wanted, and me because I wanted her. My concerns were allayed a little when Louise offered both Evie and me an ear if we needed it when it was all over.

  I didn’t know what I’d need.

  Part of me already dreaded the moment it would all be over.

  When she started to question what we were going to do about Dad, I lost it. Everyone assumed he was the worst person, just like they assumed I was unable to fill the void left by the man I used to be.

  As soon as I tried to defend him though, Louise glared at me and scoffed. She offered her arm to me, clearly waiting for me to take it. The instant my hand connected with her skin, my fingertips burned and a buzzing started in my head.

  She lifted her arm closer to my face. “See these scars?” Her fingers trailed over the faint outlines of semi-faded marks over her body.

  “Each of these marks is a symbol or spell specifically designed to combat my fae nature. Each one was slowly and deliberately carved into my skin by razor blade and athame when I was a toddler. I was too young to even read or write, and yet they did this to me. He did this to me.”

  “Why?” The word didn’t want to come, so I had to force it through a throat that wouldn’t work properly.

  “How better to torture a fae than to carve anti-fae symbols into their own skin? I ached and I burned because of him. I still have nightmares about it, and it still hurts. When the bonds Dad’s fae buddy cast over me broke, the pain returned. Do you have any idea what it’s like to hurt every day because of something your father did to you? Dad and his friends did this to me.” Louise’s voice was high pitched and manic, much like Evie’s before she’d melted down above me. “He did this and then lied to me about it for years. If he hadn’t been forced to tell the truth, I think he would have lied to me forever.”

  “Are you sure—”

  I didn’t even get to finish the question before she spoke over the top of me. “Don’t you dare ask if I am sure it was him! I shouldn’t have to explain this to you. You know what I went through. At least, you used to know before you forgot who you are. You even helped to show me the truth once you found it. God, the things you put up with from me over the years all because of these scars. All because you were convinced for so long that they were your fault.”

  My head was spinning with the influx of new information. She didn’t seem significantly younger than me, and in the photos Dad had shown me, I would’ve guessed we were the same age. It didn’t surprise me too much then when Evie went on to reveal that Louise and I were twins to explain how I’d blamed myself for the injuries Louise had endured.

  “For years you both thought she’d been replaced by a changeling and that it was a fifty-fifty chance that it could have been you.”

  Louise pulled her arm out of my hold as she laughed. “But of course for you that means it was practically your fault.”

  The buzzing in my head and the pain in my fingers disappeared as soon as I released her arm. She said she hurt all the time, was that what she’d meant? Did she feel like that all the time?

  “It’s another reason why I knew you aren’t you,” Louise continued. “You let Evie do all the talking and allowed her to risk her friendship with Aiden. The you I know would never do that. You’ve always had a protective streak that runs a mile long. I just thought it was instinctive when it comes to those you care about. You would take any punishment in the world if only it could save a loved one from pain. Yet you’re willing to go along with this charade regardless of how much it hurts everyone involved just to avoid facing the Tribunal.”

  Saint fucking Clay strikes again.

  She stared at me as if waiting for me to make some response.

  “What am I supposed say to that?” I asked. “What do you want me to do? You obviously think that I used to be some sort of saint, but that’s not me anymore.”

  “Clearly not. I’ve seen you raise a gun to your own father’s head to protect the woman beside you, and yet you’re willing to inflict so much pain on her by playing this game.”

  I watched Evie for any hint of deception as she reassured Louise that she would be okay. “The fact is that even if he doesn’t feel a thing for me any longer, I still love him.”

  I cast my gaze away from her so she wouldn’t see the way her words twisted my insides. She still loved him, but she’d made it clear often enough in the past day that I wasn’t him. Not anymore.

  As Evie argued that she’d rather I be free and on the other side of the Earth than enduring the Void, Louise watched me. With a frown, Louise covered the space between us.

  “You’re a fool if you let her go,” she whispered in my ear. My gaze cut to Evie as Louise spoke. “Don’t leave her. Fight for her, like you always have.”

  Leaving her hand lingering on my shoulder, and sending the pain she must be in constantly racing through my body, she fired off another warning to Evie about thinking it through properly. Then she dropped the issue and moved on to ask about the twins.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  WATCHING LOUISE INTERACT with Ava warmed my heart. True, the babies didn’t do much yet, but that wasn’t the point. For the brief times they were awake, they just stared up at whoever held them.

  David however cried when she picked him up. Although we all played it off as being because he’d been woken, I worried there might have been something more sinister. That perhaps he was being affected by the same stinging pain in his body that I felt when her skin came into contact with mine.

  It wasn’t long before Louise was excusing herself, stating she needed to get back to work. On her way out, she told me to remember what she’d said.

  Once she’d gone, I didn’t want the silence and discomfort Evie and I had faced most of the day sneaking back into the small space, especially when Evie wanted details about what Louise had told me, so I asked Evie some questions about the relationship she shared with my sister. The two of them had shared obvious regard for each other, and I wanted to find out how long they’d been friends given the story Evie had told me of how she and I had battled against my family.

  Evie laughed when I suggested they were close, adding that a month ago she wouldn’t have thought so. The sound of her amuseme
nt was like magic to my ears after the way things had been for as long as I could remember. I made the mistake of asking what had changed and the mood shifted to the stifling heaviness again when Evie gave a one word answer.

  “You.”

  I was what changed. When Saint Clay disappeared and left Evie to deal with the consequences, she’d grown closer to her former enemy.

  “So I guess that some good came from what happened?” Even as the words left me, I knew they were wrong based on the expression Evie wore.

  We stared at each other for a moment before I had to look away. Once again that look was heavy on her brow, the one that chastised me for not being the one she wanted. I wanted to make her happy again, and I thought I knew something that might do it.

  “Don’t leave her,” I said.

  “What?”

  “That’s what she said, that’s what she wants me to remember.” I didn’t tell her the rest, because it boiled down to the same sentiment. “She really cares about you.”

  Evie gave a slow, sad shake of her head. “She cares about you. She knows that’s what the real you would want.”

  The words were a punch in the stomach and confirmed every doubt and concern I’d had all day. Every charity she was giving me was because of the person I reminded her of. The real Clay. Saint fucking goddamned Clay, who I was sick of hearing about. I ground my teeth together. “The real me? Great. That’s real nice.”

  “No, shit, that’s not . . . that’s not what I meant.” As soon as she saw my irritation, she started to backpedal. No doubt she was wondering whether I’d attack her again if she didn’t pretend to feel something for the clone of the man she loved.

  With the cork taken out of the bottle I’d been keeping my emotions in, they spun out of control. “I get it, Evie. I’m the fake. The imposter. I’ve got that from every other person today, and I guess I should’ve expected it from you too.”

  She reached for me, and I couldn’t take it. I wouldn’t be able to process the discord in my head with her hand on me, calling my body to hers.

  “Don’t,” I warned as I backed away from her. “I just need to remember my place here. I have to remind myself how grateful I should be to you for lying to everyone for little old me.”

  The brittleness buried in her gaze made me want to apologize for the words I said, but I had nothing to apologize for. Nothing I’d said was a lie. Instead, I turned and stalked toward the bathroom, shoving the door shut behind me as I tried to catch my breath.

  Before the bang of the closing door had even finished echoing through the small room, the cries of two babies called to me. Evie’s pain I could almost ignore after what she’d said, but I couldn’t resist the cries of those two innocents.

  I headed straight for the crib without looking to see where Evie was. Not that I needed to look—I knew she’d be right beside me when it came to our children. When her shoulder brushed mine as I reached into the crib, I asked for some time alone. “I’d leave, but it wouldn’t end well for me.”

  It didn’t take her long to agree that she’d go for a walk; she even already had a destination in mind—a visit to my brother. Almost as soon as she’d made the suggestion, she added, “I think I’ll take the twins.”

  My jaw clenched again and I met her gaze. “Because as the imposter, I can’t be trusted with them, right?”

  Her gaze widened, and then she shook her head. “No, it’s not that.”

  In an odd way, I believed her. Or maybe I just wanted to believe her so much I was willing to work on a little faith.

  “I just thought Eth might want to meet them before we leave the court.”

  I nodded.

  She rested her hand over mine, and I closed my eyes at how good the innocent touch felt.

  “I’m sorry,” she murmured. “About before. I didn’t mean—”

  Unable to take the comfort she offered, not when she’d made it perfectly clear how she really felt, I drew my hand out from under hers. “Don’t. You may not have meant for it to insult me, but you meant what you said. I’m just the poor-man’s Clay to you, aren’t I?”

  Her silence was all the confirmation I needed. After a moment, she asked whether I wanted to go to Ethan with her, but there was too much going on in my head to try to focus on anything as serious as a family reunion with the man I’d shot with an arrow.

  I helped her get the babies into a double stroller Aiden had given her and then watched her walk out of the room—just like I’d have to watch her walk out of my life before long.

  For a while, I sat on the two-seater sofa, trying to sort through the mire of my thoughts. For someone who had a memory that barely stretched back a few weeks, there was a lot of conflicting information to sort through. Weaved through every thought was one thing, a draw to Evie. It wouldn’t be enough to make her feel the same way though, and that thought killed me. I just had to do what I could to get things sorted as soon as possible—to confront Dad about the reasons for his lies—so that I could move on before I grew even more hopelessly attached.

  As if that were even possible.

  Eventually, the day—everything—caught up with me and my eyelids grew heavy. I eyed the big bed and the small sofa and wondered where we would both sleep. The thought was enough to send my imagination crazy with pictures of lying in the bed with Evie. My heart galloped at the thought. Knowing I had to turn from that path, from the desire it sent through me, and away from the danger, I found a way to lie on the small two-seater and hoped to whoever was listening that I could find some sleep.

  Sometime later, I heard the door click open. Evie didn’t turn the light on and flood the space with luminescence though. Instead, she unclasped one twin from the stroller and then a few minutes later—I assumed after she’d resettled whoever she’d moved first—undid the other.

  She didn’t call my name or demand I wake to finish the conversation. Obviously she believed I was asleep. When the sound of her footfalls moved closer to me, I closed my eyes. Despite the time alone, I hadn’t sorted anything out. If anything, I was more confused than ever.

  Her breathing was so close to me, as if she stood near the sofa. I could almost hear her mind working overtime—just like mine. I wondered what she might have been thinking.

  The sound of her footsteps retreated again, and I was able to steady my breathing.

  Before I’d even heard her return, the weight of a blanket fell over me.

  “Good night, Clay,” she murmured as she pulled the cover up to my shoulders.

  Because I’d pretended to sleep, I didn’t feel like I could turn to wish her a good night now. The words danced in my mouth though.

  AT SOME point after Evie’s night wishes, I must have fallen asleep for real because I woke to babies crying. I didn’t even think before I crossed the darkened room to check on them.

  “Hi,” Evie said as her shoulder brushed against mine as I lifted Ava into my arms.

  After her sweet act the night before, and having had some sleep—however short and broken it might have been—I was willing to be a little more charitable than I had been before. “Hi.”

  It was the start of something of a truce for us that lasted the rest of the night. Each time the babies woke us, I would rise with her so she could take the sofa to feed, and then return to the sofa again to try to get a few more hours of sleep.

  After the third time we’d both risen for the twins, I was trying to get back to sleep when Evie invited me to share the bed.

  “I’m not sure that’s the best idea,” I said. It had been easier being on friendly terms with her, but sharing a bed felt like one step too far. Or a hundred.

  She wouldn’t be deterred though. “We can make a wall out of the sofa cushions if it would make you feel better. I just can’t sleep knowing how uncomfortable you must be.”

  I didn’t answer, hoping she’d drop it if she thought I was already asleep.

  A minute later, her voice called out a quiet, “Please?”

  It
was almost impossible to resist her gentle plea. “Fine.”

  “Thank you.” I heard her smile.

  “Why does it matter so much to you?” I asked as I tried to find my way across the space in the darkness.

  “Because you might be the poor-man’s Clay, but you’re still Clay. Besides, we might need to move some furniture around tomorrow at home to make room for two of everything, and you can’t do that if you’ve got a cricked neck, which means it’ll be on me, and I really don’t want to do that.”

  I wasn’t sure how serious she was or whether it was her trying to play down what she’d said. Either way, I had to appreciate the effort—and the offer. “So it’s purely a selfish request.”

  As we finished our conversation and tried to sleep, I wondered how I was going to cope with what came next. How could I convince everyone that my memory had returned? More than that though, how could I keep myself from falling completely and totally in love with the phoenix?

  Dad was wrong about so many things, but he was right about one.

  She was my personal seductress, and I was completely under her spell.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  DESPITE THE EXTRA comfort the bed provided, I didn’t get any sleep. Instead, the worries I’d had when Evie first went for her walk played in my head, together with one more. Even if I could convince everyone in the court that I was him again, it wouldn’t stop Dad. I was certain that if told him I’d failed and that I was going to protect Evie and the twins with everything I had, he’d either try to find another way to exploit me, or he’d send someone else after her.

  Neither situation was ideal.

  After lying awake staring at the ceiling for too long, I checked the time. It was early—too early for a social phone call—but I knew Dad’s schedule and it wasn’t too early for him. Confirmation of that fact came seconds later when my cell vibrated with a message alert from him asking where the hell I was now and what was going on.