Living with Embers: (Son of Rain #4)

by Michelle Irwin

  It was a carefully crafted plan designed to never reveal to her how I felt—if she didn’t know, she couldn’t reject me. Each night as I fell asleep, I would roll her away from me before turning away from her and ensuring the gap between us was maintained.

  Until the night before Ethan was due to visit. That night, I’d been so focused on worrying what might happen the following day that I hadn’t spent the night watching Evie’s pretty face. When I fell asleep, she’d been curled against me and I’d been facing her.

  I woke with my arm around her waist and my nose buried against her hair. She lifted her head and gave me an odd look, but caught in the vestiges of sleep, I was far too comfortable to wonder why. I went to nuzzle my nose further into the crook of her neck before I stopped myself.

  As I woke completely, her wide eyes and disbelieving stare combined to make me see what was wrong—why the position was inappropriate. I rolled away from her and made up a lie based on the little I knew of her, telling her I’d comforted her after a nightmare. The truth was she’d had only a handful of nightmares in the weeks we’d been at her place, and each of those had been stifled by little more than a palm cupping her cheek and a few gentle words.

  While we ran through our morning routine and prepared for Ethan to arrive, Evie was as jumpy as I’d ever seen her. The slightest touch would cause her to leap. Each time we were in a room together, she would drop her gaze and leave as fast as she could.

  “Evie, this has to stop,” I said.

  She closed her eyes as I said her name. “What has to stop?” Her voice squeaked as she asked the question, but at least she opened her eyes as she spoke.

  “This dancing around the issue. Ethan’s going to be here soon and we still haven’t worked out what we’re going to say to him.”

  Her gaze flicked up to mine before dropping back to the floor. “I figured we’d just wing it.”

  “Wing it?” I couldn’t help but grin at the suggestion.

  “If I’ve learned anything from dealing with your family over the years, it’s that they never act the way I expect. So if we plan on a certain outcome, I think we’ll be disappointed.”

  “Do you think the meeting is a bad idea?”

  She shook her head. “No, it isn’t. I still think it’s the smartest thing we can do, but that doesn’t stop me worrying a little that he might react badly.”

  “What do you think a bad reaction might entail?”

  “If we’re lucky? Him taking a swing at you for shooting him and lying to me.”

  “And if we’re not?”

  She shrugged and gave a little chuckle. “Let’s just hope we’re lucky.”

  I was about to thank her for putting that worry in my head but was interrupted by one of the babies crying. Even though I knew she had it in hand, I followed her to help her out. It was always easier with the two of us. Doubly so if one child woke the other.

  An hour later, Evie got a phone call from Ethan. From what I could tell based on her side of the conversation, he was anxious to be free of the court and visiting us. When Evie hung up the call, she stared at the handset, chewing on her lip.

  I rested my hands on her shoulders. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. It’s just that Ethan will be here in an hour. Do you think we’re really ready for this?”

  I tried to turn her earlier words back around on her, reassuring her that either Ethan would accept our situation, or the whole court would soon know of my lie.

  “I lied too.”

  It wasn’t even remotely the same thing. She’d lied to protect me, I’d done it for selfish reasons. “I lied to you. You were just too caught up in the joy of having your husband back to realize that’s what it was.” My words were a reminder of all the times she’d wished for Saint Clay and made certain I knew I wasn’t him. Wasn’t even close. “At least at first. Besides, it’s too late to back out of Ethan’s visit now.”

  I spun away from her and left the room so she couldn’t see the frown dipping my brow. Instead, I moved to the sofa and tried to distract myself with TV. It wasn’t going to work, but I tried anyway.

  When the knock came on the door, I rushed to find Evie. We’d already agreed to present a united front from the beginning, even if that unity was something of a sham. Together, we guided Ethan into the living room for our serious discussion. The instant Ethan said something about it feeling like an intervention, I took the opening.

  “I don’t know you well enough to have an intervention.”

  Ethan’s gaze swept between us as he raised his brow. “What do you mean you don’t know me well enough? I’m your goddamn brother.”

  My palm rubbed my nape. “I don’t remember you. I don’t remember any of my life before Alaska.”

  Despite his obvious shock and need for clarification, Ethan was taking the information better than I’d thought he might. He had questions, mostly about why we’d done it, but it was easy enough to answer those, especially with Evie providing at least as many answers as I had.

  “If you don’t have your memory, why are you still here? What the hell is going on?”

  When Evie and I answered at the same time, my gaze was drawn to hers. Her eyes blazed and burned when she stared at me. My breath caught in my throat and the draw I had to her intensified. If Ethan wasn’t in the room, and if I was still allowed, I probably would’ve crossed the room and kissed her until we both needed breath.

  Ethan caught the exchange and chuckled. “Okay, I get it now,” he said. “You get a second chance and the perfect excuse for freedom and you wind up back in the arms of the same girl. Talk about whipped.”

  Evie shook her head vigorously—ever determined to prove I wasn’t her Clay. “No, it’s not like that.”

  “It’s not,” I murmured in agreement. “Once the Tribunal is done, I’ll be footloose and fancy-free again.”

  Ethan’s face fell into a deep frown. “You really don’t remember anything, do you?”

  I tilted my head in question.

  “Dude, you were never that. You’ve been wrapped up in Evie since high school. Even when I forced you into the arms of other women, plied up with alcohol, you ended up returning home moaning about how they’d never match up to the love of your life. I never heard the end of it. It’s why Dad was able to convince us all it was a spell.”

  It all fit with the things Evie had told me, but I didn’t want to listen. That was Saint Clay, not me. My eyes flicked to Evie, but she was conveniently not looking at me.

  To change the subject, I pushed the topic back onto the possibility of him keeping our secret. When he implied everything was for nothing, I wanted to know more. Only, I wasn’t expecting his response.

  “Seriously, how can you expect it to work when it’s clear neither of you know anything about a Tribunal?”

  My panic began to spiral around my body as he went on to explain that a Tribunal wasn’t a thing, but a class of fae specifically talented in determining guilt by reading the accused’s mind.

  Lock me up and throw away the key. Maybe if I had Saint Clay’s memory, my guilt would be lessened, but as it was, my soul bled with guilt. The fae I’d injured—that I could have killed—plus the attack on Evie and the twins all weighed heavily on me.

  “I shouldn’t have dragged you into this,” I said to Evie as I leapt to a standing position and started to pace the floor. If the Tribunal decided to weigh her mind as well, she could likely be found as guilty as me. Her gaze was always filled with so much unspoken guilt.

  “Dragged?” Evie was in front of me by my third step. “I came up with this stupid plan.”

  It was my fight. My trial. If I needed to, I would walk back to the court alone and declare her innocence in the whole thing. At least then Ava and David would have someone to care for them. I reached for her hands, hoping to comfort her and ease some of her worry. “Only because you thought there was no other—”

  Ethan’s laugh caught my attention and I cut off. “Even when yo
u’re apparently not together, you two just don’t quit, huh?” he asked before laughing again.

  “What do you mean?” I dropped the grip I had on Evie’s hands and twisted toward him.

  “Watching you two do the old married couple act.” He flourished his hands in our direction. “It’s just like old times.”

  “It’s not like that,” I said, wanting Evie to know that I didn’t expect that. I respected her desire to keep her life with Saint Clay separate from . . . whatever we had.

  “It’s all just an act,” Evie added. “He’s not the man I married anymore.”

  I caught myself before I revealed just how deep that truth cut me. I’d known it for so long that it was practically a part of me. Yet, I still couldn’t turn off how I felt. I forced my lips to curl upward into a smile. “Yeah, remember, footloose and fancy-free.”

  “Yeah. Right.”

  As Ethan asked us who else knew, and advised us to tell Aiden—for pretty much the same reasons we’d wanted to tell Ethan himself the truth—there was a knock on the door.

  Fearing it might have been Dad, I volunteered to get it. If he’d been watching the house and had seen Ethan arrive, he might have thought it was time to implement the “plan.”

  I pulled open the door to find Aiden staring at me with hate-filled eyes. To his side was a stout fae with rust-colored hair and a silver aura. It wasn’t one of the colors Evie had described to me, so it must have been a color she was unaware of. My blood turned to ice as Ethan’s words from earlier came back to haunt me—Evie wouldn’t have met a Tribunal. Was this one?

  “Aiden.” I greeted him with a nod.

  “It is time.” They were the only three words he said, but they were enough to damn me. We hadn’t had the opportunity to clear up our mistake, and now I was going on trial.

  The unpleasant woman at Aiden’s side curled her nose up and sighed. “This will not take over long, will it, Aiden?”

  “As long as it takes for Clay to receive a fair trial.” It was clear in his tone he couldn’t give two hoots about the outcome of the trial. I was certain he was worried more about the fallout that might strike at his relationship with Evie.

  “Just let me warn Evie, please?” I said. “She’ll need a moment to prepare herself.”

  I needed more than a moment, but we were out of time. Aiden gave a single nod. For Evie, he would do almost anything.

  When I walked back into the living room, Ethan and Evie were sitting close together discussing something. What that something was became apparent in an instant.

  “At least he’s a built-in babysitter, right?” she asked. If it was supposed to be a joke, the tone was wrong. There was too much truth in her voice.

  My jaw clenched as I saw what she truly thought of me.

  She had done everything she had so far so that I could avoid the punishment in store for me, but she hadn’t done it for me. Or for her. She’d done it for Saint Clay. To uphold his memory or some bullshit. She’d told me that often enough, but I’d actually thought we were coming to something of a friendship.

  Now I would walk into punishment willingly to avoid having to deal with the emotional fallout of learning the truth of her.

  The void, she’d called it—the absence of all things. In that moment, with my heart bleeding in my chest for a woman who loved another and who thought of me as nothing more than a built-in babysitter, I decided the void would be preferable to the abscess that she’d torn into my heart.

  “It’s Aiden,” I said, trying to mask the hurt in my voice as I let her know of the arrival of our guests. “And he has a friend with him.”

  With my announcement made, I was ready to be done with the whole charade. I couldn’t pretend not to be affected by the phoenix any longer. She’d worked her way under my skin and into my heart more effectively than any seductress ever could. And she’d done it all without a single spell.

  Aiden told us the reason he’d brought Verity—the Tribunal who would assess my case—to Evie’s house rather than recall me to the court as they’d originally intended. It was for Evie. Everything was for her. As Aiden spoke, Evie started to fidget more and her hands came into the ends of her ponytail. Her eyes flicked to me and back to the pair of fae in our house again.

  “Aiden, can I have a word before this starts?” she asked when her fidgeting hit a maximum.

  The fae called Verity gave a roll of her eyes before making a sound that clearly demonstrated what she thought of the request. My gaze fell to Evie and I sighed as everything I felt raced through me. It wasn’t going to get easier, and the feelings I harbored weren’t going to go away. It grew apparent to me what I needed to do, but before I could, I had to memorize every detail of Evie’s face. The days and nights we’d been together weren’t nearly enough to do it. Not that any of my memories would matter when I was sent to the void. Still, the few that I had would provide me comfort until the moment the world slipped away.

  “Sorry, Lynnie. I cannot grant that request. Technically, you are not allowed to even be present. I have only allowed this because of—”

  “Nepotism.” In my peripheral vision, I watched Verity’s gaze turn onto me as she said the word.

  “Because of the unique situation,” Aiden amended her statement before going on to give the reasons he justified the special treatment, including the fact that I’d helped deliver the twins, before adding in a voice so thick with sarcasm it oozed into the silence between each word. “And that he has miraculously recovered his former memories.”

  Evie’s panic-filled gaze met mine before she started to talk again. I wanted to reassure her that I had a plan to ensure her safety, but I couldn’t do that without ruining my idea. “That’s what—”

  Aiden silenced her with a raised hand. “It is in the best interest of everyone gathered if the Tribunal can begin her enquiries now.”

  “What needs to happen?” I asked.

  The corners of Aiden’s eyes pinched and he gave me an outright glare. “You and Ethan witnessed a Tribunal in action no more than six months ago. Surely if your memories are truly returned, you would know what to expect.”

  “Aiden—” When Evie started to speak, I was certain her words would destroy my plan and cast her in a light of guilt too.

  I lifted my hand to tell her I had it under control, and then I straightened my back and levelled my stare at Aiden. “My memories never returned. I tricked Evie into believing they had so that she would vouch for me. I deceived her to avoid punishment for my actions.”

  Aiden didn’t back away or show any signs of shock. All I’d done was confirm his existing suspicions.

  “No.” Evie’s voice was quiet. She was going to get herself thrown into the void as well if she wasn’t careful. I could walk away from her and take the punishment—I couldn’t cope with leaving the twins without any parents. “That’s not right.”

  Letting my anger toward Dad, toward Saint fucking Clay and the whole situation, and every other negative feeling I’d had in the last few weeks bubble to the surface, I turned my gaze on Evie. “I led her on, and she’s naïve and so pathetically in love with the man she thinks I am that she’d believe anything I told her.”

  Before anyone could say anything else, Louise barged in stating that the door was open so she let herself in. When Aiden tried to get the situation back in hand and reduce the number of people in the room, she gave him a bitch brow and he relented before instructing Verity to continue.

  I still didn’t know what I needed to do, but I was ready to take whatever punishment they were going to dish out.

  At the edges of my mind, I had the sensation of the silver aura Verity gave off invading my memories. I offered them all up freely and told her I was ready to be punished—if it would save Evie and the twins from any retribution. I hoped by offering all of my guilt, she wouldn’t look deep enough to see Evie’s deceptions.

  “His guilt is certain,” Verity declared after a moment. “In his heart, he knows what he deserv
es.”

  Aiden and Verity agreed on the punishment. One year for every “transgression.”

  “Six years?” Evie murmured. Her eyes found me and I could see the heartbreak bleeding within. She’d failed her precious Saint Clay—she just couldn’t see that he’d failed her first.

  “Ten,” Aiden said, adding three years for Evie and the twins, and an extra year for the lies.

  Evie’s eyes flashed with fear. She spun her attention between Aiden, Verity, and me, completely ignoring Ethan and Louise who both stood by looking horrorstruck.

  “That can’t be it!” she cried. “There has to be something more we can do?”

  “What more do you expect, Lynnie?” Aiden’s voice held no cruelty, but it was clear he wasn’t planning on trying to change the outcome. Not that I wanted him to.

  “What about everything he’s done to help?” Evie’s voice lifted by another octave as she asked the question.

  “Do you mean his cruel trickery in convincing you that his memories had returned?”

  “The twins,” she said, all but tugging her hair out with how hard she pulled at the end of her ponytail. “He’s helped me with them. He’s had so many chances to hurt them and he hasn’t.”

  “A handful of good deeds cannot erase the injuries he has caused,” Aiden said.

  “But—”

  I’d hoped she’d see the sense in Aiden’s words, but when she didn’t, I asked her to stop. Her gaze turned to me, locking onto mine.

  “I have to do this,” I said. “It’s what I deserve.” What Saint fucking Clay deserves for hurting you. Just like I’d had to accept the good from his deeds—my twins—I had to accept the bad too.

  Evie closed her eyes, scrunching her face up tight as though that would stop the truth from getting in. “No, not after all of this. It can’t end here! It just can’t.”

  She opened her eyes as they flooded with tears. When her sobs started, I couldn’t hold myself away from her any longer. I closed the distance between us and cupped her cheek.

  “I was going to hurt you when I left anyway, right?” I wanted to remind her of the conversations we’d had. She’d made it clear over and over that what we had wasn’t permanent—couldn’t be permanent while she still loved him. “Now you can mourn your loss without having to look at my ugly mug.”