Living with Embers: (Son of Rain #4)

by Michelle Irwin

  There was just one thing that played in the back of my mind.

  “I know technically I’ve got the punishment hanging over my head, but that’s just a formality really, isn’t it?” I asked. “You know Aiden better than I do; is he likely to turn back up on our doorstep and escort me away?”

  “I don’t think he would. He’s a man, well, fae, of his word. But that’s a different tune to yesterday when you were desperate to be taken away.”

  Her words were a reminder of the way I’d felt before making the decision that I’d be better off in the void than having to face the pain. At the thought, more crept in—had that much really changed since then?

  As if she sensed the shift in my mood, Evie suggested a picnic before complaining that we only had one car seat so we couldn’t go for a drive together.

  “Why don’t you take the car and get whatever you want?” she offered.

  I wondered whether perhaps she didn’t trust me alone with the babies. “Why don’t I stay here with the twins and you go?”

  She frowned and wrapped one hand around the opposite forearm. “I thought you might want to get out of the house.”

  Trying to figure out whether that was proof of her mistrust, I argued a second time. If she kept pushing, it would give me the answer I needed. “It’s fine. I’ll watch them while you go. We can still have the picnic.”

  “Okay. If you’re sure?”

  “Positive.”

  To my surprise, and joy, she dressed and grabbed the car keys. Within ten minutes, she was heading toward the store and leaving me alone with the twins. It was proof that she at least trusted me. Whether she could love me again or not still remained to be seen, but I was willing to wait.

  Not long after I headed back inside, there was a knock on the door. Wondering who the hell would be calling on us, and worrying it might have been Abe, I pulled the door open carefully, ready to slam it shut at the slightest indication something was wrong.

  Instead of a threat, Louise stood in front of me with a woman to one side of her that looked so similar to my sisters that I was left in no doubt over who she was. Her eyes were guarded and her lips pursed. Behind them stood the crib from the room Evie and I had shared at the court.

  “Mom?”

  Her lips stretched up into a smile and then she leapt at me and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I did not dare to hope that Evelyn could have been right.”

  “I told you, Mom,” Lou said. “He’s the same Clay, just a little dumber than before.” She winked at me.

  Mom reached for my hands and drew me outside. As she did, Louise wrestled the crib through the door and wheeled it into the house.

  “I have to apologize to you,” Mom said.

  “Okay?”

  “As soon as I’d heard about the incident at the River Lethe, I abandoned you. Evelyn requested that I not lose faith, but I am afraid I did. I did not believe that you were my son any longer. I did not believe it was possible without your memories.”

  It confirmed the things that had twisted in my chest for weeks. Him versus me. Old versus new. Even the woman who had given birth to me didn’t believe I could be the same person. “Wait, Evie asked you to not lose faith?” I clarified, feeling my heart inflate in my chest. “When?”

  “While you were missing. She wouldn’t listen when we told her there was no cure to the amnesia caused by the waters.”

  The sensation of the hope rushing back out of my chest made me want to hurl. She hadn’t thought I could still be loved, she’d wanted to cure me. If I could give her that, I would, but was it impossible? Mom seemed to think so.

  Mom cupped my cheeks. “But she was right not to lose faith. You have proven your worth with your actions yesterday.”

  “I was just keeping my family safe.”

  She grinned. “Exactly. That is the action of Clay, whom I am proud to call my son. You have proven you do not need your memories to be the man I know you to be.”

  Louise came back out. “I’ve put it in the nursery, but I didn’t want to set it up because there’s no way they can sleep in that room until it’s cleaned up.”

  “It’s mostly just surface damage,” I said. “The walls themselves seem sound. I think a couple of panels of drywall might need replacing, but the rest is nothing a bit of paint won’t fix.”

  “Still, I would rather my niece and nephew aren’t exposed to high levels of smoke before the room is cleaned up.”

  “Don’t worry. I don’t think Evie will be letting them leave our room for some time now.”

  “That’s good,” Louise said. “Although, you’ll be pleased to know that Abe likely won’t be a threat.”

  “How do you know—”

  “My boyfriend, Ben, is his son. Abe made contact about the same time Dad attacked here. I think he figured, without me in the picture, Ben would go back to their side willingly. But Ben’s seen too much now. He knows what the fae are really like, and he’s as much a force for change as you and Eth. Whatever he said to his father while we were here was enough to convince Abe to try the new way. Of course, I think Dad’s failure probably helped too.”

  “Wow. I’m sure Evie will be pleased to know that.”

  “What’s happening there anyway?” Louise asked.

  I frowned in confusion.

  “Well, the whole thing was a charade, wasn’t it?” she continued. “You and her being back together, I mean.”

  I stared into the distance as I wondered whether I could confide my secret. Then I recalled her certainty that she could tell when I was lying and figured there was no point trying to hide it. “Yeah, I guess. At first.”

  “However?” Mom asked.

  Why they were both so interested in my love life was beyond me.

  “I don’t know. I want it to be more, but I don’t know if Evie does. She’s still in love with him.”

  “Him?” Mom and Louise turned to each other, before flicking their attention back to me.

  “Him. The man I used to be. The one in the pictures, and the one who remembers their life together. Every time I want to tell her how I feel, it’s like his ghost is right there between us getting in the way.”

  “Clay?” Louise said. “Get over yourself. He’s nothing but a figment of your imagination that you’re using to sabotage your own happiness.”

  “What?”

  “You are your own worst enemy sometimes. You always have been. It took a long time for you to get to a place where you finally recognized that you deserved the things that you got—that you had earned your happiness with Evie a hundred times over—and now I think you lost that along with the rest of your memories.”

  “What are you trying to say?”

  “I think what Louise is implying is that you need to stop looking for the bad things. Stop doubting the good. I think the term is to roll with the punches.” Mom grinned at Louise as though she’d said something worthy of praise.

  Louise laughed. “Sorry, I’ve been teaching Mom some common human phrases. Shake up her lingo a bit.”

  “Apparently, I am rather stilted and old fashioned.”

  Louise linked arms with her and rested her head on Mom’s shoulder. “Yeah, but so’s the rest of the court.” My sister looked so content holding on to Mom that it was easy to let her words sink in. I needed to get over it and let go.

  “Talking of the court,” Louise continued, “we should be getting back. I have a history lesson in an hour, and I’d like to get something to eat first.”

  “Stay,” I offered, heading back into the house. “Evie should be back soon. She was just running up to the store to get some food for a picnic.”

  “Next time we will allow for a longer visit,” Mom said. “For now, we were not sure whether we would be welcome, given the circumstances.”

  “You’re always welcome,” I assured her. “And I know Evie will want to see you.”

  “Tell her we will return soon. I will bring some fae to do the work to the nursery. Many hands
make light work.”

  I leaned on the doorframe. “Sure thing.”

  “Can you please tell Evelyn one more thing for me?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Just let her know that she was right.”

  I watched as they crossed the driveway and headed for the fairy ring in the forest beyond. Just as they were about to enter, Evie pulled up in the Suburban. She cast a glance in the direction of my mother and sister who gave a little wave and stepped into the ring.

  Knowing she was likely to have questions, and groceries, I raced to open the passenger door to help Evie with everything. As I’d expected, she asked why they were there. I relayed what I could, but kept a little back. I understood Louise’s advice, but she wasn’t faced with the ghost of her past every day like I was. I vowed that the very next time Evie didn’t look at me like I should have been someone else, or mention the man she used to love, I would tell her everything. Until then, I just needed to keep that part of myself hidden to avoid complicating things.

  My concern was proven justified not much later when Evie told me she’d known what foods to buy from the store because they were always my favorite. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I wanted to be a new me.

  I wanted to find my new favorite things, and I wanted her to be one of them.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  TWO DAYS AFTER Mom and Louise had brought the crib, they returned with a team of fairies. There were at least twenty of them. I doubted they’d even fit into the room, let alone be able to actually do anything productive. To my surprise, they did fit, not only that but they arranged themselves into a production line and got to work quickly.

  Mom went in search of Evie and the twins, and Louise pulled me to the side.

  “So how are things here?”

  I scrubbed the back of my neck. “No change since last time,” I admitted.

  “You’re kidding? Evie didn’t reject you, did she? Because if she did, I have to have words with my sister-in-law.”

  “No.”

  “You haven’t spoken to her yet, have you?”

  “It’s not as easy as that.”

  She held her hand out with something inside. “Take this.”

  I reached out to accept her gift. She dropped a golden ring into my palm. The same ring I’d taken off when I’d arrived at Dad’s place. I studied it in more detail than I had as I’d taken it off. It was a plain gold band, but infused into the metal was a red and blue glint. I noticed something else I hadn’t seen when I’d taken it off. It was warm, and the longer I held it, the warmer it got. When I focused on the ring, the same sensation that I felt when my aura entwined with Evie brewed within me.

  Twisting the ring around, I spotted an inscription inside of it. Each was the other’s mine.

  “It’s more than just a wedding ring,” Louise said. “It’s infused with the magic of your auras, with everything that connects the two of you. You probably don’t remember, but that inscription comes from a poem penned by one of the world’s greatest playwrights. It wasn’t his words though, at least not completely. Titania, a fairy queen, prophesized about you and Evie hundreds of years ago. Her prophecy was one of loss and mourning, but I believe it is only one way that the story could have gone. See, in my time at the court, I’ve learned the fae traditions and their prophecies aren’t what people expect. They predict the future, but only one version of it. The purpose of the prophecies isn’t to foretell the future, but rather to stop people making mistakes. I’ve studied this one a lot in the last few weeks, and I think you were wrong when you thought it was about you and Evie meeting. I think it’s referring to this event right now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It talks about combining two into one; there are a number of passages that speak about it. When you first learned it, I think you and Evie assumed that it was talking about your entwined auras.”

  “But you think it’s talking about him and me.”

  “I think you need to let this ‘him and me’ bullshit rest or you will lose her.”

  “It’s not that easy to just drop it.”

  She raised her brow and stared at me, clearly challenging me to explain.

  “Imagine you love someone more than you ever thought it was possible to love someone.”

  She nodded. “Easy.”

  “Now times that by at least ten. That comes somewhat close to how I feel about Evie.”

  Louise scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Even if that’s the case, why does that make it hard to drop it?”

  “Now imagine that same person has all these inside jokes with someone. Little things that make them smile.” My own mouth turned upward at the thought of Evie smiling. “Or that bring sweet laughter to their lips.”

  “Okay?”

  “And imagine not having a single clue what any of those jokes even mean. Standing on the outside, wanting to be in there where she is with the joke and not knowing how to get there. Not even knowing which vague direction to turn to find out what it might mean.”

  “Okay, I get it, that sucks, but it doesn’t—”

  “And then imagine that every single time they look at you, they’re thinking about a past that has nothing to do with you. Imagining having sex that you don’t remember having. An entire history with someone who looks like you, talks like you, but isn’t you. How do you just get over that?”

  Her face had fallen with my every statement. “I don’t envy you. I just know that you would kick your own ass if you saw the way you were treating Evie.” She paused and then chuckled. “And if that isn’t the most awkward sentence I ever have to say, there’s something wrong with the world.”

  “I’ll talk to her. I’m not ready to let her go. I just . . . don’t know how to reconcile those pieces.”

  “That makes sense. I meant what I said before too, when we were back at the court. If you ever need to talk, I’m here for you. I kinda feel like I owe you after the shit I put you and Evie through over the years. We were once really close. I want to be like that again.”

  “I’d like that.”

  “Do you want to know some of the crazy things we used to get up to?”

  I shook my head as I realized that, despite what she’d said, she didn’t really understand. Not completely. “It’ll be like hearing a story of someone I don’t know. Someone I don’t care about.”

  “Okay. Why don’t you tell me what those kids of yours have been up to?”

  Although I was going to say that they still don’t do much, I thought of all the little things she might want to hear and told her every detail. As I did, I slipped my wedding ring back onto my ring finger. It wouldn’t stay there, I would let Evie decide whether or not it would reside there permanently, but while I was chatting with Lou, it felt right to have it on again.

  By the time the sun set, the fae were done. The room wasn’t exactly child-ready yet, it was still too full of paint fumes, but there was no more work that needed to be done on it. All we had to do was air it out for a few days.

  As I climbed into bed, Evie smiled ruefully at me. “It was weird not being with you all day today,” she said. “I think I’ve become addicted to your company.”

  I was about to say that I felt the same way and tell her about the ring Lou brought back, but she kept talking.

  “Then again, I always did prefer it when you were around. There were so many times you made things easier.”

  “Yeah,” I said, turning onto my side so she wouldn’t see the hurt on my face as she spoke about him again.

  A WEEK later, I reached the point where my world was going to fall apart. It started like every other day had for us, and seemed normal as we went through our now almost standard routine with the twins, but then it imploded when I sat next to Evie once they were both asleep.

  “I think we need to talk about what happens next,” she said.

  It was everything I’d feared, everything I’d been dreading since I’d found freedom from the threat of
punishment by the fae.

  “What do you mean what happens next?” The words stuck to my dry tongue.

  “I’m not sure how much longer I can pretend nothing has changed.”

  Her words were my worst fears.

  “I’m not sure how much longer I can sleep beside you and act like it’s normal. Or wake in your arms and pretend I don’t care.”

  It’s not normal, because I’m not hers. And she’s not mine.

  “We need to talk about the long term. About exit strategies.”

  My cry caught in my throat. I didn’t want an exit strategy. I wanted one to help ensure I could stay. I tried to think of the right words to say, but I didn’t know what would fix it.

  “What is it?” she asked, clearly picking up on my distress.

  “Why does anything have to change?” Things were good. Not perfect, but good.

  “You said before that you didn’t want me to get hurt out of this charade.” Her voice wavered as she spoke. “Well, it’s starting to . . .” She met my eyes, and I saw the same things I always did. The hurt and the disappointment—the multitude of ways I was hurting her by not being him. “It’s starting to kill me. I’m worried that if it goes on for too much longer, I’ll be ruined. Especially now that everyone knows the truth and there’s no need for this façade.”

  My palm found the back of my neck. There was nothing else for it. Even though I wanted to wait until she no longer pined for him, I couldn’t put off telling her how I felt. “What if it’s not a façade?”

  She frowned and her fingers found the end of her hair.

  Oh, fuck. Had I said the wrong thing?

  “What are you saying?” she asked.

  “I—” I sucked down a breath to give me courage. “I don’t want to go. I can’t imagine being away from my children.” I closed my eyes as I prepared for the worst confession. She already knew I wanted to be around the babies. She had to know I wanted to be around her too. The problem was, she wanted me to be him. Still, I needed to nut up and speak, or I’d have to walk away. “Or you,” I added, near silently.