She didn’t say anything, just stared at me with wide-open eyes and a slack jaw. I wanted to show her how I felt rather than trying to speak words that would likely only be clumsy anyway. Still I tried to find the right ones.
“I may not remember what things were like before,” I started. I wasn’t sure how good I would be at convincing her of what I really wanted. “But I know what they’re like now. And, Evie, I know that I said I didn’t feel anything for you, but I do. There’s this thing that crawls through every part of my body and makes me long to touch you.” I wrapped her hand in mine. “To kiss you.” I drew her fingers to my lips and caressed her knuckles with my mouth. “To caress you.”
I wanted to kiss her, but I wanted her to want to kiss me—not the memory of who I might have been before.
You’re an idiot; you’re jealous of yourself. Despite agreeing with the voice, I couldn’t turn off the parts of me that wanted her confirmation. I needed to know for sure how she felt. Needed her to see me for me and want that—and only that.
I decided to leave nothing behind and put it all out there. “Even that first night we shared a bed, back in the court, it felt right. Like my body recognized you long before I did. I was wrong when I said I didn’t feel it. I just didn’t recognize it then. It’s why I gravitate toward you every damn night when I sleep. I try to fight it because I know you don’t feel the same way about me, because you’re still in love with your husband, but I can’t help it. I’m drawn to you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Tears welled in her eyes, and I figured I’d screwed up royally. Not only would she want me out, she’d force a wedge between me and the babies.
“I’m not who you want me to be.” I knew it was the case, and her words and actions seemed to confirm it. I closed my eyes, preparing to be told to get out.
“You’re all I want,” she murmured.
When I opened my eyes, she was closer than I’d expected.
“Please?” she asked without elaborating. It didn’t matter what she was begging for though, if it was in my power to grant it, I would.
Moving painfully slow—partly so I could savor the moment and partly to give her the opportunity to tell me to stop if she didn’t want it—I reached out to caress her hair like I’d dreamed of doing so often. I almost whimpered as I guided her lips closer to mine. Although a chill raced through my body, threatening to lock everything in place, I kept moving just enough to stop it from paralyzing me.
At first my lips grazed hers in a featherlight touch, and all it did was stoke the fire to burn hotter still. Her breathing sped as it filled the space between us. I parted my lips and drew her closer to me. When we connected properly, Evie released a sigh and I let my body take over. Like a man possessed, I needed to have her. My hands wouldn’t stop moving, they needed to caress her cheek, stroke her shoulder, cup her chin, thread through her hair. She was offering me everything, and I feared it wasn’t going to be enough. I needed more—everything—even though I didn’t have more to give.
By the time my fingers found their way onto her blouse, I was already a hundred steps ahead. I wanted her, craved every piece. I couldn’t remember a single thing about sex, but my body was running on instinct, and I knew those instincts wouldn’t let me down.
I stopped just long enough to check with Evie that she was certain it was what she wanted. When she confirmed it was, that she wanted to go on whatever the consequences, I pushed it further. My hips found hers, and every thrust I made sent a spike of pleasure through my body. I wanted her hands on me, her mouth, every part of her that she was willing to offer.
With her breaths coming in a choppy rush, she started to work on my shirt too. It was happening and my heart grew in size as I imagined what would come next. Her actions were proof that she wanted me, and only me. He wasn’t part of this.
Her fingers traced over a scar on my chest.
“Harpy,” she whispered against my neck. “You were fifteen.”
Goddamn it.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
I GRABBED HOLD of Evie’s fingers as soon as it struck me that I couldn’t continue because she still thought of me as Saint Clay. Part of me—a part I recognized was probably connected closely to my lower extremities—said screw it, keep going, but I couldn’t. She wasn’t interested in me; she wanted to have sex with her husband. I just happened to occupy his body.
“What is it?” Evie asked as she struggled to get her breathing under control.
“I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t.”
“Why not?” When I didn’t answer her, she continued, “What’s wrong?”
“I’ve grown to care about you, Evie. A ridiculous amount considering it’s only been a few weeks. But I can’t do this.”
“I need more than just ‘I can’t.’”
I tried to make the words make sense in my head before I spoke. “I can’t be with you while you’re still in love with another man.”
“But it’s you. I’m in love with you.”
I wished it were that simple, but it wasn’t. “No. You’re in love with who I was. A man I can’t remember. He might as well be someone else for all I know about him.”
“But—”
“This is exactly why I couldn’t tell you how I felt.” My jaw was tight as I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair. “Ever since I realized how I feel about you, I’ve been waiting.”
“What for?” Her voice was still a needful whisper. The tone sent me into overdrive, and I wanted more than anything to wrap her up and take her the way she wanted, but I didn’t want to be a second choice.
“For the moment when you look at me and don’t see him.” It sounded crazy when I spoke it aloud, but I wasn’t able to move past it in my mind. “How ridiculous do I sound? I’m jealous of myself for having already stolen your heart.”
“I understand.” She guided me so that my back was pressed against the sofa. She didn’t stop there though. Climbing into my lap so that her legs straddled my hips, she drew my arms around her waist so that I was holding her closer. The slightest flex and I could feel her warmth through her pants. “And I’m sorry I can’t forget you. You’re pretty darn unforgettable.”
Her forehead rested against mine, and her lips were just inches away. I slicked my tongue across mine as I wondered whether she would kiss me again.
“I told you this would be hard for me,” she added.
I wanted to joke that it was pretty hard for me too, but I couldn’t find the tone to add the levity in. “Can we have an agreement before we go any further?” I asked instead.
“What?”
“Us. The past. It doesn’t exist anymore. It can’t.” He needed to go away, or I wouldn’t survive.
A tic ran across her features and her lips turned down. “I can’t just forget about the last seven years, Clay.”
Is that proof that we can’t make it work? I tried again. “I just mean, can we put it behind us? I don’t care about then. I care about now. I don’t care about who I was. I care about who I am. Let’s just live for today, yeah?”
She gave me a blinding smile as she agreed. “I think I can do that.”
I crashed my lips to hers again before she’d even finished her sentence. Every sleepless night echoed through the kiss. Every desire I’d hidden. Every desperate dream I’d had of her. I tried to communicate them all to her.
Tried to make her see that I wasn’t him.
I was me.
That’s all I could offer her.
When she took it all willingly, I reached for her shirt and lifted it off over her head. I moved slowly, waiting for any sound or action that might indicate it wasn’t what she wanted. When there was none, I trailed my hands over her body. Wherever I touched, our auras twisted around each other, just as they had during the nights I’d stayed awake watching the way our bodies naturally reacted to each other. As if possessed by a force outside of myself, my hips thrust toward hers in a rhythm that perfectly matched
her rocking.
I wanted to be rid of all the barriers between us—both physically and emotionally—and let the same motion take hold.
My breath caught in my throat as I reached around to unclasp her bra. The move brought my lips close to her breasts, and I took advantage of the position, kissing the parts that spilled over the top of her bra. Sounds of desire crept through my lips as I caressed her skin. When the clasp opened to my touch, her breasts released against me. I drew her bra off, sliding the straps off one arm at a time before tossing the garment to the side.
My hands didn’t find her body again; they couldn’t for a moment as my eyes demanded their turn to caress her body without the obstruction of my fingers. I rested against the back of the sofa and watched her move over me. Each rock of her hips caused her body to sway in delicious ways. With her head turned toward the ceiling and her breaths coming hard and fast, I was witnessing something close to perfection. The only thing better would be if she’d focus her gaze on me.
As if directed by my thoughts, she looked down at me. At first, a small frown crinkled her brow, but then her smile grew wicked.
“What is it?” I asked, tracing the line of her lips with my thumb as I wondered what thoughts were passing through her mind to make her look that sinful.
Instead of answering, she flicked her tongue out across the pad of my thumb before sucking the digit between her lips.
The sensation tore all the breath from my body in a moan. If that’s how good she could make me feel with her lips on my thumb, how might it feel for her to kiss me everywhere else?
In answer, her hands found my chest as her tongue rolled over the pad of my thumb again before releasing it from between her lips as she moved on to undressing me. One by one, she undid the buttons and then pushed my shirt off. I forced myself to stay relaxed despite the way my heart raced a rapid lap around my body. Each time I looked at her, I worried she was seeing him and not me. I couldn’t think like that though, or else I’d make myself crazy.
She climbed off my lap to draw my pants and boxers off. The idea of being completely naked and exposed to her hadn’t struck me until then, and my breath caught. How was I going to do this?
My doubt grew in time with my sighs of pleasure as she kneeled between my legs and kissed my stomach. Seconds later, I saw heaven as she put her lips around my cock.
“God, Evie, that’s . . .” I couldn’t finish the sentence, couldn’t even finish the thought, because her tongue circled the tip and my whole body responded. She didn’t pause or hesitate at all as she moved over me.
I tried to force away the fact that it was because she’d done all of this with him. Just like when she’d known which food to get for me because they were his favorites, she knew exactly where to place her tongue, how to hum against her lips in just the right way to send me to the very edge of ecstasy and keep me perched there.
Just when my entire body was wound so tight I thought it might be about to snap, she drew away and licked her lips.
“Don’t stop,” I practically begged. I wasn’t sure what came next exactly—not outside of sneaky information I’d looked up online—but instinct told me it would be good and that I didn’t want her to stop until I’d experienced it.
Evie gave me another devilish grin. “There’ll be time for more of that later. We haven’t even started living for the day yet.”
Her words gave me so much hope, so much happiness, that I was ready to pull her back into my arms and kiss her breathless again. Before I could though, she stood and removed the final barriers between us—physically at least. Then she willingly climbed into my lap and sat on my thighs.
I wanted to guide her closer until she was over my cock and we could start our dance again, but I was terrified. She knew every button of mine to push, every place to touch, and I knew nothing in return. I was willing to learn, but I didn’t want to make the experience unpleasant for her. As the thoughts rubbed up against each other in my head, my hands found the base of her spine and I massaged the muscles there.
Evie pushed back against my hands with her hips, a sign I was getting something right at least. It made me pause. If I kept doing that, it would keep making her happy.
Too soon though, she tilted her head and her brow crinkled. “What is it?”
“I—” I cut off with a sigh as I tried to sort through the words and find the best way to tell her without scaring her off. “I haven’t done this before.”
The crinkle in her brow smoothed away as her lips tipped up into a soft smile.
“Tell me if I’m doing anything wrong, okay?”
She leaned forward, until her lips were so close to mine I could have claimed them without moving. “You’re doing pretty good so far,” she whispered before closing the last of the space between us.
My fingers explored her hips, moving from her back around to find her entrance. The pads of my fingertips brushed over her, causing a little gasp to rise to her lips. I was surprised at the warmth and wetness. Taking cues from her orchestra of sounds, I ran my fingers over her again before teasing her lips apart and stroking the delicate surface with my fingertips.
When her hand came between us, I thought I’d done something wrong, or had hurt her in some way. That misconception was wiped from me seconds later when her hand closed around my cock and she used the hold to press the tip against her.
With barely a second between movements to allow me to prepare myself, she sank over me. A moan that contained nothing but pleasure left me. I would have been embarrassed for the sound except Evie issued one at almost the same time, and the sound of us crying out in time made the moment hotter than ever.
My hands found her hips as she rocked back and forth over me. My hips thrust up to get further inside her. As I’d expected, the feel of moving inside of her was one thousand times better than the sensation of her grinding against me. Although I’d worried she would only see him, when she met my eye, it was clear that I was the only thing she was focused on. She was doing exactly what I’d asked her to.
She was living in the moment with me.
“Evie.” Even as I said her name, I couldn’t get over the way we fit. The way the outer tendrils of my aura wrapped around her, as if the fae part of me was as desperate to pull her to me as the rest of me was.
Her gaze met mine, and I was taken aback by how perfect the moment was.
There was only one thing I could say at such a time. “I love you.”
She whimpered, as though it physically hurt her to hear those words. Before I could even wonder whether I’d made a mistake issuing them, she broke into a grin and reached out to cup my face with her hands. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to hear those words. I love you too, Clay.” She stopped for a moment, as if in thought. “I love who you are right now. The way you look after the babies. The way you were ready to sacrifice yourself if you thought it would help me. The way you stepped up to watch the twins when you probably wanted to kill your father. There are so many little things you’ve done in the last few weeks that I’ve wanted to tell you that I love you for, but I couldn’t because I worried you’d run if I admitted how I felt. I—”
“Evie,” I said with a chuckle as I cut her off.
“Yeah?”
“I adore hearing all of that. I really do.” I grabbed her hips and guided her over me as I thrust my hips upward. “But without diminishing it, I think we have other unfinished business.”
She raised one brow. “Is that right?” She circled her hips in a way that took my breath away. “Maybe I should get it finished fast?”
“Please,” I begged.
Her lips came to my neck and she lifted her hips high so that I was barely still inside of her. “Then again, sometimes slow and steady wins the race.”
After bracing her hands on my chest, pushing me back into the sofa cushion, she lowered her hips inch by agonizingly pleasant inch. When she reached the bottom, she reversed the action but still traveled at the same spee
d.
It was torture, but torture I never wanted to end. She leaned all of her weight onto one hand and reached for my arm with her other. With a careful touch, she guided my thumb into a position she clearly deemed pleasant—her clit. A few coaxing rubs later, I’d got the hint and was able to hit the spot she wanted over and over. Despite the slow speed she was moving over me, I rubbed her clit harder and faster. Just like the training and weaponry, touching her was ingrained into my muscle memory, and when I turned myself over to instinct, I had no doubts about where to hold her or what she might like.
She made one more slow motion grind, barely breathing as she did, before she came. When she did, her breathy sighs and low moans echoed in my ear and the walls of her pussy pulsed around me. Shifting my hands to her hips, I dug in my fingertips to stop myself from following along. I’d learned enough to know that men generally needed more time to recover than women.
As she fell boneless against me, I twisted us both and positioned her on the sofa so I could have her under me. Then I showed her the skills my hands and lips had when left to their own devices until she was clutching my shoulders tight and pulling me closer to her.
I grabbed hold of my cock and guided it into her again. My lips found hers and I kissed her as though I didn’t need air. At that point, I didn’t.
All there was for me was her.
With her legs locked around my hips, I thrust harder and faster until she came apart again. This time, I didn’t resist the urge to let go when my balls tightened and my heart stopped. In a rush, I came inside of her.
Every muscle in my body released the tension I’d been carrying for as long as I could remember. Maybe that wasn’t as long as it should have been, but it was long enough.
“Wow!” The exclamation left me as I found Evie’s throat and rolled to lie behind her so she didn’t have to have my whole weight on her body. For everything I’d seen during my research and what I’d thought things might feel like based on the small touches we’d shared, the actual event was nothing like I’d considered it might be. It was a thousand times better. “That was beyond anything I’d expected. How on earth do people get anything else done when that’s an option?”
Living with Embers: (Son of Rain #4) Page 26
