“I forget that you need to experience all of these things again,” she said as I pulled her back to my front.
She sounded almost sad, and I didn’t want her being sad. That meant she was thinking about the past and not living in the present. Instead of trying to break the cycle—and ruin the mood—I decided to attempt a joke. “And again, and again,” I said, planting small kisses along her collarbone.
She gave a small laugh and nudged me. “You know what I mean.”
“I do. And I’m grateful that you’ve taken the time to show me things. My instincts were right about you.”
“Not the ones where you wanted to kill me.”
“Of course not. I can’t believe I ever let Dad convince me of those things. That I almost killed Ethan just to get to you. Or that I almost killed you and the twins.”
She twisted in my arms and then planted a sweet kiss against my cheek. “You’ve more than made up for that though.”
“That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying to make it up to you. Just tell me what you need and it’ll be done.” I hoped she believed me when I said that. I wanted to spend every day at her side.
“I have everything I need.” She leaned her head against my heart. “Right here.”
I took the moment and just enjoyed it, even as I figured there was something else I could give her that would make her happy. Something I’d hidden since Louise had returned it because I didn’t want to be tied to the past. But I figured if Evie was willing to overlook her history with Saint Clay to be with me, then I could bend a little as well.
When both of our hearts had stopped racing and our breaths had returned to normal, I extracted myself from her. “I might have one other thing you need,” I said.
She gave me a quizzical look. “Really? What?”
I grabbed my boxers from the floor and tugged them on before heading into our bedroom. At the bottom of my underwear drawer, somewhere I didn’t think Evie would look, was the wedding ring Louise had returned. Plucking the ring up, I clutched it in my hand and then headed back to the living room.
“What is it?” Evie asked. She’d pulled her panties back on and had slipped into my shirt—sans bra and buttons for the moment.
I knelt in front of her and the dip between her brows deepened.
My heart pounded somewhere close to my throat as I lifted my hand to her lap. She stared at my closed fist. When I knew I had her entire focus, I unfurled my fingers and offered her the ring on my palm.
“When did you get this back?” she asked. Her gaze floated from the ring to my eyes and back again.
“Louise returned it the day they fixed the nursery. I wanted to give it back to you.”
“But it’s yours.”
“It means more to you than it does to me.”
She closed her eyes, cutting off the sight of her pain.
“But it’s not meaningless to me,” I added. “I can see the magic that binds us reflected in the band. It calls to me. I didn’t want to put it on though.”
“Why not?”
“At first, it was because it was a link to the past. To him.”
“But—”
I reached up to touch my fingers to her lips. “Now, I don’t want to put it on without you putting it on for me. I want to make whatever promises we made before again. I want you, Evie. All of you from now until the day I die.”
She chuckled as she grabbed the ring from my hand. “That was—” She cut off and bit her lip.
“What?”
“I don’t want you to get upset.”
I tilted my head in confusion.
“It’s about ‘him.’” She made air quotes around the word, no doubt trying to prove to me that she didn’t subscribe to the same belief I did.
“Tell me.” Before she could talk again, I held up one finger. “Just this once.”
She chuckled. “I was just going to say that, as far as requests to marry you, that’s the most romantic one I’ve ever received.”
I raised one brow. “Yeah?”
“Oh yeah. The other time was at my hospital bedside when I woke after . . .” Her fingers grazed the scar over her heart while her stare grew unfocused as she looked into the past. “I thought you were joking.”
“So I actually beat Saint Clay at something?” I didn’t realize I’d spoken aloud until Evie laughed.
“Saint Clay?”
I scrubbed the back of my neck. “It’s my nickname for him.”
She couldn’t hide her amusement as she asked, “Why?”
“Because all I have heard was how good he was. How clever and wise. How perfect. The perfect husband. The perfect brother. Saint Clay could do no wrong.”
“Oh, you—he—did plenty wrong. Why dwell on the bad though?” She reached forward and threaded the fingers on her free hand into my hair. “Especially when I’ve got so much good.”
She touched her lips to mine, and when she drew back, she grabbed my left hand.
“I can’t remember every promise we made, I’d have to get Fiona to tell me them all again, but I do remember her blessing.” She closed her eyes and concentrated for a moment. “May we always hold each other. May we retain the . . . fortitude to hold firm during the times of difficulty and when the days seem darkest.” She glanced down at me, and I wondered if she was thinking the same I was—that our days had already been the darkest they could surely get. “May you retain a tender gentleness as you hold one another in love and happiness throughout the years. May your hands be healer, protector, shelter, and guide for each other today and always.” After Evie finished her halting recital of the blessing Mom had given us, she slid the ring onto my finger and then linked the fingers of her left hand with mine. Our rings laid side by side in the hold. “If you want to get married again, I wouldn’t say no.”
“The only important thing to me is that I get to hold you every night and be there for you and the twins.”
It seemed impossible for her smile to stretch any wider. “That’s all I want too. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
A knock on the door broke up our conversation.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
BEFORE I WENT to answer the door, I grabbed my pants and slipped them on. Unfortunately, Evie still had my shirt on when she rushed into the bathroom, declaring she needed a shower if I could get the door.
Ethan waited on the other side of the door.
“Hey, bro. Sorry to just drop in, but I wasn’t sure if you’d let me come around if I called ahead.”
“Why wouldn’t I let you in?”
“Evie told you about the reason for the trip to Alaska, didn’t she?” Before I had a chance to answer him, he continued. “I’m sorry, do you have a shirt you can put on?”
I raised an brow at him. “You come to my house unannounced in the middle of the afternoon, you get what you find.”
“Your house?”
“The one I share with my wife, yes.” I was feeling too good with everything that had happened that day to not say the words out loud.
“I never thought I’d hear you admit you love her again.” The worry he’d carried in the corners of his eyes disappeared as he smiled. “So you two are back on track then?”
“Better than ever.”
He looked beyond me into the house for a second. “Dude, is this a bad time?”
I glanced over my shoulder to figure out what he meant. Evie dashed back from the nursery to the bathroom wrapped in nothing but a towel. Obviously one of the twins had made a noise she wanted to check on. “No. Although . . . what’s shower sex like?”
The instant the words were free, I regretted saying them. How could I ask my brother something like that? His reaction wasn’t what I expected though.
“With the right person, it can be hot. With the wrong one? It’s slippery, wet, and not necessarily worth the effort. The bath is a much better place. So many different angles of approach, you know? Plus you can choose whether to add water or not. Both are fun.” He cran
ed his neck, as if hoping to get another glimpse of my wife. “Then again, I think Evie fits into the right person side of the equation.”
I glanced back toward the bathroom as a range of ideas filled my head. “Maybe it is a bad time after all . . .”
“Clearly. You might wanna put the car back in the garage for the moment though.”
I frowned, wondering what he was talking about. He pointed down and I followed his direction to find my erection sticking out through the zipper of my pants. Even though I should have been embarrassed, there was something about Ethan that made me at ease.
“I won’t keep you long, Casanova. I just wanted to let you know I’ve researched at both the court and at Bayview, and I still haven’t found a cure for your memory loss.”
“Cure?”
“Yeah, you want to remember everything. Don’t you?”
I thought of Evie, hot and naked under the shower. I thought of our twins, fast asleep in the nursery, and I thought of the day we’d had. “I’m happy with what we have. We’re just living for each day.”
“And I think that’s admirable. No one wants to see you and Evie happy more than me. But don’t you think it will be easier on Evie when you can remember everything? When she doesn’t have to worry about keeping track of what happened before and what happened after you lost your memory?”
“Do you really think so?” I hadn’t thought about the future. At some point, we’d want to look back on these days, wouldn’t we? When that happened, would Evie have to step around every landmine of whether it was him or me that she had done it with?
“I know it’s what Evie wants,” he added.
The words felt like a betrayal. “Has she told you that?”
His mouth screwed up as if he didn’t want to tell me the truth. It was all the confirmation I needed.
“She doesn’t have to,” he added for good measure, as if it could wipe away the fact. “Besides, it’s not only her that misses the real you, dude. I have no partner now. No one I can trust enough to keep my ass safe on a mission. And no one left I can relive past conquests with. Lou turns her nose up every time I talk about sex, and as good a wingman as Aiden is—literally—” He laughed at his own joke. “—he doesn’t know about that time after the vampire in Rhode Island.” For a moment, he rubbed his hands together and bounced his brow, as though his words should mean something. Then he frowned, no doubt in response to the lack of recognition on my face. “And neither do you now.”
“I’m sorry I’m not the guy I used to be anymore. He’s gone, and I’m here instead.”
“I want to fix that. I want to find a cure.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “The fae say there isn’t one.”
“We Jacobs don’t just give up that easy. I’m going to go away for a while, do some traveling and see what I can come up with.”
“Don’t do anything on my account.”
He gave my shoulder a playful punch. “Never. It’s purely selfish. I was thinking I might stop in at Oxford first. There’s a girl there that I’m really keen on meeting in person.”
I stared at him, wondering if his words were supposed to mean something.
He tilted his head as he assessed me. “Nothing? Okay then.” He sighed before walking backward off the porch. “Tell Evie I stopped by and that I’ll call when I can.”
“Don’t you think you should tell her yourself if you’re going away?”
“Nah. I never was one for sappy goodbyes. Besides, where’s the fun in letting her get dressed when she’s waiting for you in the bathroom. Have fun, bro.” He cast his head down and spun away from me. “It used to be nice knowing you.”
Trying to make sense of the conversation, I stepped back and closed the door. His suggestion that Evie wanted my memories back haunted me as I played things back. It made me question whether she’d been lying when she’d told me she loved me for who I was and not who I used to be.
Pushing open the bathroom door to confront her, the question died on my lips. Evie leaned against the bathroom counter. She was covered with water and had a towel wrapped around her waist. She bit her lip and called me over with a beckoning finger.
“You were saying something about again and again,” she whispered when I was near her.
She didn’t need to remind me of that conversation.
FOR MONTHS, Ethan would call us from different places. He never told Evie what he was searching for, and I didn’t let on either. I was too afraid that I might see something in her expression that confirmed she wanted him back despite what she said. It was easier to keep my head buried in the sand.
The longer Ethan was away, the more the worries I’d thought Evie and I had pushed aside came back to haunt me. If by some miracle he found a cure, would she expect me to take it? I tried to ask her in roundabout ways, but it felt like we were just rehashing the same conversation where I would ask whether she still wanted Saint Clay, and she’d try to reassure me that I was still him.
Selfishly, I never wanted Ethan to find anything to prove the fae wrong. In the same breath though, I wanted him to fix everything for Evie’s sake, for all the reasons he’d said during his last visit. It would be easier on Evie going into the future if she didn’t have to worry which version of me it was she’d shared something with.
My worst fears, and greatest hope, came true when Ethan called to say he was in Greece and had found a possible lead. Water from the Mnemosyne Spring—the spring of memories. While he explained his theory, I ignored it all and focused on Evie instead. Watching the range of emotions flitter over her face as he spoke confirmed one thing. She wanted him back as much as she denied it. There was one positive I could take from it though, she wanted me too. Whenever we were together, we were in the moment. It was me she saw then, and not just because I looked like him.
A week later, Ethan arrived back at our house carrying a flask of the apparent miracle cure and escorting a woman who apparently knew me. Or at least Saint Clay. With the cure everyone wanted to test so badly sitting on the table and everyone staring at me all through dinner, I couldn’t enjoy myself. Everything twisted inside of me as I wondered what I should do.
On one hand, Ethan’s theory was exactly that. It hadn’t been tested on anyone else. It was likely the waters could restore my memories, or perhaps they’d take away the precious few I had left. Maybe it would do nothing at all.
There was only one way to know for sure, and yet I couldn’t do it while Ethan and his guest, Toni, were there. Despite the relationship I’d apparently shared with each of them over the years, they were both strangers. If I drank the water and was left vulnerable, I didn’t want Evie to be in a position where she’d have to fight for my safety—or that of our twins.
Because Evie had already invited them around for a meal, I couldn’t send them away. Instead, I did the one thing in my power—ignored the flask full of “bottled memories” as Ethan had put it. Eventually, they seemed to get the hint that, while I appreciated their effort, I wasn’t going to rush into anything. They said their goodbyes, promised to come visit again soon, and then headed off.
Once they were gone and the kids were settled again, I snatched up the flask and headed into the kitchen. The whole time, Evie watched me like a hawk. I wondered if she was trying to guess at my choices, or if her mind was running over the possibility it might actually work.
I twisted the flask back and forth. In my hand, I might have had the ability to restore who I used to be and give Evie the one thing she wanted more than anything else—even if she couldn’t admit it out loud. But what were the risks?
“I could be killing myself to give you back the man you love,” I murmured, and even as the words left my mouth, I knew it was worth it. I would crawl to the ends of the earth over broken glass if it would make her smile. Dad had been right about that, she was a seductress—my very own personal one. Loving her seemed hardwired into my very being.
Despite the certainty that I would do it for her, t
he knowledge that I would risk losing everything I’d gained with Evie to give her the man she really loved back made me feel melancholy. I wanted to test her and be sure it was what she really wanted. Maybe there’s a chance she could be happy with me.
Once more, she did her best to convince me that it didn’t matter, that she was happy with me however that came. It was what made me decide to try. For her, I would do anything.
Fearing the worst, but hoping for the best, I turned to her and said, “Just in case this goes badly, goodbye, Evie.”
She was about to argue for me to stop, which made me drink that much faster. She really did love me, whoever I was, and that made me want to bring him back for her.
The water was cold in my throat, colder than it had any right to be after sitting out on our table for so long. When it hit my stomach, the chill spread. Like fast-moving vines, the cold twisted through my body, stealing over my limbs and climbing until it reached my head.
My head ached as my body froze, and then it happened. At first, it was a trickle—an image of Evie underneath a canopy of magnolia trees—and then it became a landslide. One by one, the memories took hold, whipping through my brain as if they were newly discovered but also existing as if they’d never left. My mind was a confused jumble, and it was hard to make sense of anything.
I closed my eyes while I was inundated with every memory that I’d accumulated throughout my existence. Flashes of life, one following instantly after the other, assaulted my mind: comforting Louise after a nightmare when we were seven; our first hunt when I was eight—followed by years of death and destruction before I’d even reached puberty; my first crush and then . . . Evie. Vision after vision filled with a brightness that emanated from her and couldn’t be contained. In fractions of a second at a time, I relived our life together; all the precious moments that had been stripped away rushed back into me.
Living with Embers: (Son of Rain #4) Page 27
