Darkest Light

by Hiromi Goto

  Doesn’t she smell gooooooood? his vile voice crooned. Don’t you waste it! You better eat her up before it’s all gone!

  No! Gee shook his head, biting his lower lip. No!

  The thumping of Klara’s feet inside the wardrobe continued, awful and horrendous. How long did it take for her to die, only to cycle again and again and again? He’d tried to tell Cracker about the futility of trying to change Klara’s Half Life. But she hadn’t listened. He should have tried harder. He should have forced her not to follow. He should—

  Something was lodged in his throat. He swallowed, hard. Had a part of him hoped it might be possible? Maybe he’d led her to her doom because a part of him wanted to see if Half World could be altered. Not for her sake. But his own….

  Cracker had asked him to keep hold of her if she fell too deep. The girl was half-slumped against Gee’s chest. Her Life force was so leached that her intoxicating scent was waning. The horrendous urge to consume her would not overwhelm him. But even this boon was too little, too late—he had scarcely the energy left to continue moving, let alone care for a fallen friend.

  And he hungered, still…. He just didn’t want to eat her any more than anything else that moved and quivered. Not to worry! Gee’s lips quivered. Laughter. Tears. He didn’t know. Popo, he pleaded. I don’t know what to do.

  Keep her! When you finally accept your heritage, she will nourish you well! his other voice gleefully advised.

  Karu reached down and plucked Cracker out of his arms. Her head lolled against the bird man’s upper arm. Gee struggled to his feet, alarmed.

  “She must be taken back to the Realm of Flesh. Before her Life runs out,” Karu declared.

  “Put her down!” Gee said. “How can I trust you now? Just because you say so? We can’t go back yet. We still have to find my parents.”

  “Continue with your journey. I’ll carry her out alone.”

  “No!” Gee cried. “How can you prove that you won’t just eat her!”

  As you want to do, the voice inside him giggled. The only reason you don’t trust him is that you don’t trust yourself!

  Gee shook his head. No. It was because he had no reason to believe the bird man. He had no proof.

  The thumping sounds from the second floor were slowing, quieting. An awful silence. Gee looked up at the ceiling. Cracker, eyes dim, didn’t seem to notice. “We go together,” Gee said.

  “Even if it means her Life runs out before you’ve found what you seek?” Karu asked. “If you value her Life, you—”

  The bird man’s eyes narrowed. “Maybe you value her Life the most only when it’s within your reach.” His voice was a low rasp.

  “No!” Gee shouted. “That’s not why!”

  Cracker’s arm flopped toward Gee. “Staying,” she whispered. “With Gee. We promised. Not dying. I’m just tired.”

  A small warmth surged inside Gee’s heart. He gripped Cracker’s weak hand.

  She tried to smile. “You stayed with me. I’ll stay with you.”

  “We’ll make it,” Gee promised. “We have to. It won’t take long. We can hurry….” Gee’s breath caught. His grip went slack, fell from Cracker’s hand.

  “What?” she whispered.

  Gee’s head dropped. “I don’t know where they are.” His voice was barely audible. “I don’t remember anything. I have no connections to them. Not like you had for your sister. How can I find them if I have no memories?”

  White Cat…. Gee crammed his hand into his pocket. Sitting the stone statuette in the centre of his palm, he whispered intensely, as if he were praying to Spirits, “Come back. Please, we need guidance! We need your help. Please!”

  White Cat ballooned so quickly, all eighteen pounds of him, that his thick fur hit Gee’s face before the cat’s weight overwhelmed his hand. The cat landed on the floor with a heavy thud.

  “Nice,” White Cat remarked.

  “Sorry!” Gee said. “Help us. I need to get to my parents. And Cracker’s growing too weak.”

  White Cat stared at Cracker in Karu’s arms. “Well!” he exclaimed. “What’s been going on since I’ve been resting?”

  “He says he’s switched sides,” Gee said.

  White Cat’s expression was dubious.

  “Help me,” Gee said. For a brief moment the lights in the ceiling seemed to make a slow swirl above him. He closed his eyes. “Guidance.”

  White Cat sniffed. “About time,” he muttered, before yawning so widely they could almost see down his gullet. He flicked the air with the tip of his tongue and closed his eyes. “Unfortunately, I have no idea where they are.”

  “What!” The cat’s words were a punch in Gee’s gut. He tottered backward, slumping against the counter.

  The cat shrugged. “I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting them.” He turned his head to the side to cough quietly. “Eh-hem! Yes. Well. I wish I could be of greater assistance.”

  Gee stared at the cat with disbelief. “Why are you here?” he said through gritted teeth. “What good are you? You haven’t done a thing for us since we arrived in Half World!”

  “Maybe he’s not our friend,” Cracker whispered.

  “The eel,” Karu rasped.

  They all stared at the grim bird man.

  Karu gestured with his beak. “Lilla was with Ilanna and Mr. Glueskin when they went to see if his parents cycled, still, without him. Maybe the eel remembers.”

  Gee lurched to the tall stool where he’d left Lilla.

  The eel could no longer raise her head. She was virtually a thick black puddle, as if her body could no longer maintain its shape.

  “Lilla?” he whispered. He knelt beside the eel and gently picked her up, cradling her in one arm against his chest. She felt like a loose skin of water, yet much lighter than she’d been before. Sloppy, her skin felt soft, as if his fingers would slip right through her. “Can you lead the way?” Gee asked, desperate. Was it too late? He looked about him. She needed to eat. That’s what she said. He—

  White chunks on the floor. His flesh. His glueflesh…. Gee shuddered. Was there some Life in those pieces?

  He snatched up a small chunk. It felt like firm tofu…. His skin crawled. Yet Gee held the flesh in front of Lilla’s mouth, and prayed that she would eat.

  “Interesting,” White Cat murmured.

  The eel’s jaw slowly opened. Gee tucked the white chunk into her mouth. The hair on the back of his neck quivered. This is grotesque, he couldn’t help but think. This is so, so weird. Please let it work.

  Lilla slowly closed her jaws. She was very still.

  “Come on,” Gee pleaded, giving her a little jostle.

  Lilla shuddered. Jerked back her head. She opened her jaws once more. The piece of flesh was gone.

  Gee snatched up another piece and tucked it inside the eel’s mouth. She ate the second piece more quickly. “Yes,” Gee hissed with relief. He fed her all the pieces he could find.

  Lilla slowly raised her head. “Eaaatsss,” she whisper-hissed. “Ratttssssss.” She felt a little more substantial, but was still very weak. And her eyes still dull.

  “Rats,” Gee said, “we need to find her some rats.” She needed more lively flesh. Just this once. If only enough to see them to his parents, he rationalized. We kill rats all the time. What does it matter?

  “Backyard.” Cracker’s voice was hoarse. “By the composter. There were always rats.” She looked up at Karu’s harsh face. “I need water. Even if it’s not real.”

  White Cat leapt atop the counter and padded toward the window. He stared out intently at the darkness, the tip of his fluffy tail twitching.

  “I’ll be right back,” Gee said. He glared at the bird man who held Cracker in his arms. “White Cat, keep an eye on Karu,” Gee demanded as he unlocked the back door. White Cat grunted. Gee could hear the sound of water rushing from the faucet as he stepped outside.

  The backyard was dim, the far edges dark. Uncannily still. He didn’t want to look too closely—did
n’t want to learn what lay beyond. Gee spotted a raised vegetable garden, and beside it, two slatted containers with lids. He crept quietly toward them.

  Lilla extended herself so that she was a little closer to the composting bins.

  “Only a couple,” Gee whispered. So that she had energy enough to help them…. He could hear the scrabble of small claws against the walls of the container. The slurry of dragging tails. He gently lifted one of the lids.

  It was black inside. Empty.

  “Oh,” Gee sighed.

  The blackness writhed.

  Undulating, heaving, the bin wasn’t empty—it was so full of rats they moved like dark liquid. Several leapt from the bin, their white teeth bared, glinting with black blood.

  Lilla launched from Gee’s arm. She flew through the air, jaws open wide, to plug a rat’s head into her gaping mouth. They both fell to the wet lawn.

  The rat frantically scrabbled with its claws, scraping at the edges of her mouth.

  Gee held his breath. His heart thudded unbearably. A sour sweet saliva pooling in the back of his mouth.

  The rat, plugged inside Lilla’s maw, scratched wildly at her cheeks, her throat, but its claws only slicked off the dense slime the eel was exuding in her excitement. The rodent tried to yank its head out, but Lilla’s inward-pointing teeth only dug in deeper. They flipped about on the dark lawn to the sounds of the rat’s muffled screeching, the wet thwap, thwap of the eel’s body.

  Gee giggled. He slapped his hand over his mouth. What was he doing? It wasn’t funny!

  Yes it is, it is, it is! It’s hilarious. It’s delicious. It’s fucking brilliant!

  The eel whipped back and forth and the rat was tossed about, its long naked tail snapping loudly.

  Gee’s lips began spreading into a loose grin.

  The rat shuddered, its tail quivering. Lilla bit down and jerked her head backward, stripping the fur away from the rodent’s body as if she were pulling off a sweater. The rat’s raw torso, glistening pale grey like an oyster, fell out of her jaws. Its lower half was still intact and matted with slime. It looked like it was wearing wet fur trousers.

  Saliva filled the back of Gee’s maw. He didn’t know if it was nausea or hunger.

  The eel flung the fur out of her teeth and fell upon the fresh meat. The scent of flesh hit the air and the other rats began leaping, scattering from the bin.

  It lashed out of Gee’s mouth with the crack of a whip. White, gooey. His chameleon tongue. The bulbous tip engulfed an entire rat, and Gee could feel its futile struggles down the horribly extended white length. His tongue snapped back into his mouth, the captured rat encased in the taut gluey tip.

  Gee swallowed.

  He could feel the rat sliding down his esophagus…. Writhing, clawing. Gee giggled. Shocked, he clapped his left hand over his mouth.

  The rat churned, heavy, in Gee’s gut like a greasy chunk of pizza. A slice of pizza that was half alive…. Twitching, twisting, clawing for escape. Gee could scarcely contain his giggles at the unfamiliar tickling coming from inside.

  He’d swallowed a rat, whole. He’d fucking eaten a living rat! Gee wanted to smack his hand upon his thigh, bend over, hoot with laughter.

  He wanted to vomit.

  “Eaaaatsss,” Lilla hissed. “Sooo goooodssssss.”

  Gee squeezed his eyes shut.

  Grandson…. The sound of Popo’s voice. A small warmth filled Gee’s heart.

  The image of Popo’s crinkled face, her keen bright eye, filled his mind. She looked so real, so close, his heart spasmed with emotion.

  You’re a good boy.

  A good boy…. Was he hearing her voice because she had died?

  No. He didn’t believe it. Not Popo. Not yet. Oh, Popo…. Gee’s lips twisted with self-loathing. What have I done…? He wrapped his arms around his middle. What have I come to?

  The rat’s movement inside his stomach grew still.

  It hit him. A surge of energy rippled from his belly outward to all his extremities. Delicious shivers of power shot through his nerves, faster than electrons, finer than light. His very cells vibrated with the sensation, a harmonics beyond sound. His hair felt as if it were standing on end, quivering with intense delight.

  And then it was gone.

  Gee stared at his shaking hands. They glowed, white, in the dim grey light. “Oh, god,” he quavered.

  “Seeeeeeee,” Lilla chided.

  The hunger burst.

  Like a monster breaching his skin, his need roared, unleashed. Gee ripped off the lid of the second container and his long white tongue snapped and snapped and snapped again, snatching the leaping, twisting rats out of the air and swallowing them whole.

  Lilla plunged into the container. She tore through the rats in a frenzy of feeding, and wet fur flew, sticky with blood, reeking of fresh flesh and iron.

  “So.” White Cat’s voice was low. Furious. “This is what you’ve come to.”

  Faster than thought, Gee’s tongue shot out from between his lips, the fat tip whipping at the cat.

  White Cat twisted and leapt, and Gee only ripped out a patch of soft fur.

  Mindlessly, his tongue snapped back into his mouth only to whip out once more. As the cat arced and dove, Gee’s tongue snapped and splatted a hair’s breadth behind. With a yowl, the cat dashed to the edges of the yard, beyond Gee’s reach. He leapt atop the fence and, with great dignity, slowly sat down. The tip of his tail twitched.

  “What would Popo say?” White Cat asked. “She did not raise you to turn to this!”

  “POPO ISN’T HERE! POPO KEPT SECRETS FROM ME! IT’S HER FAULT THAT I’M LIKE THIS NOW! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!” Gee bellowed.

  His eyes bulged, his hair standing on end as his body stretched ever taller, thinner, growing monstrous. His tongue hung down to his chest as he panted like a dog. His rage consumed him and he could no more control it than he could a firestorm.

  “MY ENTIRE LIFE! TREATED LIKE SHIT! BECAUSE I’M DIFFERENT? POPO SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THE TRUTH! AT LEAST THE TRUTH WOULD HAVE SET ME FREE!”

  White Cat stared at him, saying nothing. He turned and leapt off the fence.

  And disappeared into darkness.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “Bravo!” a familiar voice cried out, ecstatic. “Bravo! Encore! Marvellous!”

  Gee slowly turned around. His mind was empty. A tinny noise rang inside his ears.

  Ilanna stood in the glow of the light from the kitchen window, a dark silhouette, Rilla undulating by her side.

  Gee’s gulper mouth began shrinking as his rage slowly receded. Horror and shame began swelling inside him like a rotting carcass. What have I done?

  What have I done!

  “Oh!” Ilanna exclaimed. “You’re trembling. Don’t be frightened, my darling.” She drew closer, bringing with her the eternal reek of the sea.

  Before she reached him the energy of the rats’ Half Lives surged through his body, and he vibrated with the mind-blowing effects. He felt as if he would burst apart. As if he were a god…. Potent, saturated with possibilities. Primal. He tipped back his head and roared at the skies like a beast being slain, a beast born once more. And just as quickly the fire flamed out and he was left panting.

  Hunger began lapping at him again.

  “You see how it is?” Ilanna said gently.

  Rilla, writhing eagerly at her side, snickered with malevolent delight.

  Lilla had gone very still inside the container, partly covered by tufts of wet fur, torn flesh. Rilla strained toward the bin but Ilanna jerked her shoulder, reining her back. “You just ate!” she hissed. She smiled at Gee. “We just ate,” she repeated, as if she were turning down an invitation for lunch. “A trio of security officers. Mmmmm. Mmmm! Thank you for having them delivered to us, darling….”

  As his hunger swamped him anew, weakness crept upon him once more. Gee’s head slumped and he turned away. “How do you keep finding me?” he asked wearily. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?�
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  Ilanna tipped back her head and her laughter trickled like water. “Leave you alone? Darling, you’re the one who made me who I am today. I owe you my loyalty and commitment forever. We’re drawn together, through our experiences, our desires, our memories. Our love….” She giggled playfully. “I’ll never let you go,” she hissed.

  Swish, swish, swish. Her cold, lean torso pressed into his back, and Rilla slipped around his waist to hold him closer. Her deep, cold wet sank through Gee’s skin. His teeth began to chatter.

  “You don’t know how pleased I am to see you behaving like your true self, my darling Glueskin,” Ilanna whispered. “We can lead Half World back to its glory. Then dissolve the barriers between the Realms.”

  He closed his eyes as her lithe length writhed against him. She felt so good…. To want her. To be wanted. When his entire life no one had shown interest…. The longing burned colder than ice, burned as deep, as strong, as his compulsion to feed and feed again.

  Ilanna was lipping the lines of his shoulder blades through the thin material of his T-shirt.

  Gee shuddered with wanting. Please, he thought. I’m so tired of this struggle. Maybe this is my destiny. It would be such a relief not to have to keep on fighting. Just to give in to my desires, my needs….

  I’m conflicted. It was Cracker’s voice, ringing inside his head. The tinge of sneering and affection that was so utterly Cracker. That’s the human condition.

  Gee’s lips trembled. His body stilled. Maybe he wasn’t alone in his struggles…. His smile, unseen by Ilanna, was small. Scarcely discernible, but a smile after all.

  “I don’t know why you’ve continued to flee from me. I’ve only ever wanted the things you’ve wanted for yourself—for you to meet your poor, dear parents who long to have their son returned to them,” Ilanna murmured against his back. Her breath was so very cold.

  “Gee?” It was Cracker. Her voice, small and exhausted, quavered with disbelief. Her silhouette stood outlined in the lighted frame of the doorway, Karu’s imposing figure slightly behind and to the side.