My Name Is River Blue

by Noah James Adams

  As soon as Atkins left Miss Martin and me, he placed Malley on leave pending a formal investigation by state police and ordered Krieger's gang members separated within the isolation pod. With assurances that Malley, Krieger, and his gang would never again live in the same pod with them, many of the boys gave statements to the police about the crimes they had witnessed. They all confirmed that my actions were a case of self-defense and offered other instances of assaults by Krieger and Malley.

  The scandal at Stockwell turned out to be much uglier than I had first thought, and Malley was eventually sentenced to prison for a long list of offenses. One of the investigators said that Malley would have to be kept in protective isolation or the other inmates would kill him when they heard everything he did at Stockwell.

  Krieger and his boys were likewise charged with a number of crimes that added years to their sentences. They would serve the rest of their time in the most secure section of the prison with only strictly supervised time outside their cells. Director Atkins lost his job, and the next director was more active in inspecting the operation of each pod.

  During her visits, Miss Martin relayed information to me about Craig Krieger's progress. Before Krieger returned to Stockwell, he underwent two operations, and I doubt the state used the best surgeons. The first surgery was unsuccessful, and the second one was a matter of giving him the best outcome to help him deal with his new reality. After doing all he could with Krieger's medical issues, his doctor referred him to the psychiatric clinic. Krieger stayed there for several weeks until his doctor downgraded him to outpatient status and eventually decided that weekly counseling sessions would be enough.

  In addition to Craig Krieger's cosmetic, psychological, and legal problems, just two months after his altercation with me Carl, his older brother, was killed by a rival drug dealer. Someone may have felt sorry for Craig, but not me. I wished Craig had died too.

  Since they were all separated from me, I never saw Krieger or any of his gang during my remaining time in Stockwell. However, I did hear indirectly from Krieger. Because Gabby knew one of the COs in the isolation pod, he was able to pass the word to me that Craig Krieger's new mission in life was to kill me no matter how hard it was or how long it took. Specifically, Krieger said that he wanted to carve me into a hundred pieces and piss in my wounds while I slowly bled to death.

  ***

  Hal and Jenny agreed with Miss Martin that a boy coming from Stockwell might have difficulty adjusting to normal social situations. Hal thought that it was quite possible, given our shared experience of serving time in Stockwell, that Ant Jefferson and I might have enough in common to develop a rewarding friendship. Hearing Hal's dime store analysis of the dynamics required for Ant and me to become good friends, had me quietly shaking my head above the air vent.

  A few weeks after he moved into my room, Ant Jefferson told me the story of how he discussed his anxiety about his pending move to Tolley House with Gerry, his cellmate. We determined that Gerry and he were talking at the same time that I was listening to Miss Martin and the Mackeys. Parts of Ant's story were sad, but other parts of it were very funny, and I laugh every time I think of it, especially if I hear any reference to "Mr. Potato Head."

  I think the best way to relay this brief story is to tell it the way I visualize what Ant told me. I wish I had been a roach on the wall of their cell that night, but hearing Ant's detailed version was almost as good.

  ***

  Antwon "Ant" Jefferson sat on his bunk, his back leaning against the concrete wall of his cell. He hugged his thin pillow and stared at a clear plastic bag that he would use the next evening to pack his personal belongings. It was an hour away from lights out at ten o'clock. It was thirty-six hours away from his parole when Miss Martin would sign him out of Stockwell and drive him to a meeting with his PO in Harper Springs. Afterwards, she would take him to Tolley House, his new group home.

  Ant knew that Tolley House was a home for troubled boys who were wards of the state and had juvenile arrest records. Some of the boys had no family, some had no family who wanted them, and some had no family the court deemed fit to care for them. Ant fell into both the second and third categories.

  He was not surprised when Miss Martin informed him that he would not be going back to his old home in the low-rent apartment building in Colliers, a town in the poorest corner of Bergeron County. No one in his family had visited him, called him, or even written a letter during the two and a half years of his incarceration, so he was not expecting to live with any of them.

  Social Services handed Miss Martin Ant's case since he had no suitable family member to be his guardian. Until Miss Martin told him, he didn't know that his mother was serving the first year of five-year sentence in the women's state prison after her third arrest on drug charges. She was never much of a mother to Ant, and he would never forgive her for choosing Poe and his drugs over her son.

  Three weeks after Ant first saw Poe, the dealer moved into their apartment and began running his drug business from there. Poe didn't use the drugs he sold, but he was a mean drunk who often hit Ant's mother, Ant, and anyone else in his path. Late one night when Poe was full of whiskey, he almost beat Ant's mother to death. Ant stopped him by stabbing Poe from behind with a steak knife, sinking it to the hilt in the man's lower back. Since she depended on free drugs from Poe, Ant's mother swore in court that Ant's attack was unprovoked and caused by his jealousy of Poe. His mother didn't give Ant a second glance when Judge Merlo ordered the cops to take the tearful ten-year old boy away in chains to Stockwell.

  Ant had never even known his father's name, and his mother could only narrow his sperm donor down to one of three men who were all casual hookups, probably dealers or johns. As far as he knew, he had two adult brothers and one older sister. His sister moved out with her pimp when she was fifteen, and he was sure that his brothers were still serving time for armed robbery. Ant had never depended on anyone to help him, and it would be no different when he left the juvie prison.

  After having three birthdays in Stockwell, Ant was comfortable with the routine, and he was strangely nervous about the change his parole would bring. It wasn't that he liked Stockwell, because there was plenty to hate, but it was safer than his old neighborhood was, and he never had to steal food or clothes. After his parole, he would be an outcast any time he walked outside his new group home. Inside the home, he would be the new boy, adjusting to the house rules of his guardians and the unwritten rules of the other boys. Instead of attending the mandatory classes in the detention center with other inmates, he would have to go to a real public school where he would be bottom scum. A black juvenile delinquent.

  Miss Martin added to his concerns when she casually mentioned that he would be rooming at Tolley House with another boy from Stockwell. When she gave him the name, Ant pleaded with his caseworker for another roommate, but according to her, there was only one bed available at Tolley House, and none of the other boys would swap roommates. Ant was not surprised.

  Miss Martin asked that he have an open mind and give it a chance. She assured him that his new roommate had caused no trouble in the house and had even joined a mentoring program with a man who was a friend of hers. Ant had to admit to her that he and the other boy had never had an altercation or even exchanged heated words, but everyone in Stockwell had been wary of the boy they called "psycho." It had been so long since Ant had heard the boy called anything other than "psycho" that it took him a moment to remember that his new roommate's real name was River Blue.

  Miss Martin assured Ant that the Mackeys kept tight control in the house, but if he did have a complaint, she would fix it immediately. Ant wondered how many nights he could go without sleep before exhaustion would overtake him and force him to close his eyes alone in a room with Blue. He tried to imagine his room at Tolley House, hoping it was big enough that Blue would not feel that Ant was crowding him. He brought his hand to his nose, touched it, and decided that he liked it the way it was. He
didn't want a rubber one.

  After reading a letter from his mom, Gerry had to raise his voice to get Ant's attention. He always shared his letters since Ant never got mail of his own. He leaned across the space between the two bunks and tossed the letter in his cellmate's lap.

  "Damn, boy," said Gerry. "You look like they're adding five years on your sentence instead of paroling you. I asked you if you wanted to read my letter from Mom. As usual, she asked how you were doing and told me to remind you that you were welcome to come visit us one day."

  Ant picked up the letter and studied his white cellmate a moment. Inmates didn't always have a cellmate, as it depended on what the inmate count was, but it had been crowded in their current pod most of Ant's time, and Gerry had been his cellmate for over a year. He was a good guy, just a few months older than Ant. They got along well, which was important since they had to share a small space where there was no privacy. A few months prior, because of their seniority and clean reports, they had a chance for their own cells, but they decided against it. The cell could be a lonely place without company, and when the detention center became crowded again, the COs would give them new cellmates that they might not want.

  "Yo, man, it's weird," said Ant. "It's like I won't know how to act on the outside. I know what I'm doing here, but everyone and everything will be strange day after tomorrow."

  "You'll be alright. I wish I was going with you, but I got another six months if I'm lucky." Gerry hesitated and then casually said, "Ant, you know if you ever get bored or anything, I wouldn't mind a letter. You know, telling me how you're doing and stuff."

  Ant was glad that Gerry would miss him. "I'll write you every week, and you better write me back. Keep me up on things here. Yo, Gerry, I'm gonna miss you."

  "Bullshit," said Gerry. "First short skirt that wiggles your way, your brain's gonna stop working, and I'll be the last thing you think about."

  Ant grinned. "Yo, whatever, dude. We gotta hook up when you get out. Maybe they'll send you to Tolley House like me."

  "Nah, Mom's working hard to stay sober, so she can convince my caseworker to send me home. If I did go to Tolley House, you wouldn't be there by the time I get out."

  "Miss Martin said I would stay until I finished high school," argued Ant.

  "Yeah, that's what you're supposed to do, but "Psycho" will kill you in your sleep before then." Gerry laughed hard at his own joke, knowing how nervous Ant was about his new roommate at Tolley House.

  Ant was pissed. "Thanks, asshole. I didn't need to hear that shit."

  "Jesus, Ant. It was a joke. That kid ain't gonna bother you. You can't listen to all them stories. I bet the ones spreadin' them tales didn't see nothing. They're just repeating what they heard or making up stuff."

  "Yo, that's true on some things, but we both saw what happened to Krieger. That shit was real, and I'll never forget it as long as I live."

  "Ant, all I'm saying is that he ain't the monster serial killer the rumors say he is. Did you ever see him start anything with anybody? Did he start that shit with Krieger?"

  "No, but you saw what he done. A dude would have to be crazy to act like that. Yo, all that blood and shit gave me freakin' nightmares."

  "Listen, Ant. I talked to Blue a few times when we were both working weights. We even spotted for each other on the bench. He was an okay kid, but he had some angry shit in him, and Krieger stepped right in the middle of it."

  "Gerry, I know Krieger deserved it, but there's beat downs and then there's crazy shit. You got to be crazy to rip a dude's nose off with yo teeth, spit it out, and then try to finish killin' him when he's on his knees begging for help."

  Gerry nodded. "Yeah, maybe so, but Krieger never showed nobody any mercy, and you can only get away with fucking with people for so long. Show Blue some respect and give him some space, and you guys will be okay."

  Gerry's words made Ant feel a little better. "Yo, guess I don't have any choice. I hope you're right cause I don't want no fake parts, so I be looking like Mister Fucking Potato Head."

  Ant didn't sleep well that night. He kept dreaming that he couldn't find his nose.

  ***

  Ant was hysterically funny when he recounted his reaction to finding out that he would be rooming with me, and once in a while when we talked late at night, I would beg him to repeat it as if I were a little kid wanting to hear my favorite bedtime story.

  It took time before we were sharing stories of any kind with each other because we didn't get off to the best of starts. It wasn't Ant's fault, but the first day I met him, I grew so angry and made such a scene, I thought I might be on my way back to Stockwell.

  CHAPTER NINE

  The morning that Ant Jefferson came to live at Tolley House, the Mackeys asked all of us boys to hang around long enough to welcome him before we headed to the park for the day. While my foster brothers and I ate breakfast, I pictured how things would go for Ant that morning. I was sure it would be very similar to the way it was for me when Miss Martin signed me out of Stockwell and took me to meet my parole officer.

  After listening to my PO's warnings, I rode with Miss Martin to Tolley House, a white, two-story home sitting on a two-acre lot that included a big, shady back yard surrounded by a white fence. I immediately liked the clean, quiet neighborhood that was in an old but decent area of Harper Springs. The houses were well maintained, and every yard I saw showed that the residents cared enough to mow the grass, trim shrubs, and weed flowerbeds.

  We had just finished breakfast when we heard Miss Martin's car engine in the driveway, followed by the sounds of two car doors closing. Through the large windows at the front of the house, I could see that Miss Martin had her arm around Ant for their walk to the door. He appeared to be nervous about his new home, and I felt a little sorry for him, as it was scary to be the new kid in a strange place. Still, I knew that any boy who survived Stockwell should be tough enough to handle a group home, even if it housed juvenile delinquents.

  Hal and Jenny Mackey met Ant and Miss Martin at the front door, which opened into the large family room. It had just enough seating for all the residents when we gathered to watch movies on the sixty-inch TV, a gift from Papa.

  I watched as Hal and Jenny shook hands with Ant, welcomed him with big smiles, and I'm sure, immediately relieved some of his anxiety. Ant politely returned their greetings and probably thought the same thing I did when I first met the Mackeys. They were a friendly, middle-class white couple with good intentions, but they had no clue what Stockwell was like.

  Jenny offered Ant and Miss Martin a seat on one of the two sofas, and Hal called the two boys who had wandered off after breakfast. When all the boys were in the room, the seven of us gathered in a half circle facing Ant. I thought that he might be relieved to see the diverse racial mix of the group, which consisted of three whites, two blacks, one Latino, and one mixed breed "psycho."

  Hal introduced each one of us. At that time, there was John, Mike, Malik, Don, Akeem, Julio, and me. Each of us greeted Ant with a simple "Hi" or "Sup." Mike, a dorky, white guy, went so far as to say, "Pleased to meet you." Some of the boys grinned, and others studied Ant with mild curiosity. The only thing he got out of me was a barely perceptible nod of my head, but I made good eye contact. According to what Ant told me later, I made him feel creepy and glad that we were not alone. I was surprised because that was my friendly look.

  Hal explained to Ant that we boys delayed our walks to the park in order to stay home long enough to meet him, but he was going to excuse us in a minute to go to the park. My foster brothers appeared ready to run out the door as soon as Hal gave the word.

  I was glad that Hal wasn't going to drag things out too long. I had to leave to meet Papa at the park, as I had almost every day for the past two weeks. Each day he worked with me on my football skills, and during our breaks from the heat, he did his part as my mentor by discussing the character traits I needed to be successful in life. He always gave me time to ask him questions on any
subject I wanted and promised me that anything we discussed would remain confidential. I was excited about that particular day in the park because Coach Riddle, the junior high school football coach, would be joining us to devote an entire hour of his time to coaching me. I would have to jog part of the way, but I knew I could be on time to meet Papa and the coach, if I left in the next ten minutes.

  Hal continued talking. "Antwon, you can spend some time getting to know the other boys tonight and go with them next time. I want to make sure that you know the rules before I allow you to go off on your own." I couldn't help feeling pissed that I had to wait two months to go to the park, and Ant would only have to wait a day. Hal turned from Ant to my foster brothers. "Okay, you guys can go ahead to the park for the day. All except River."

  At first, I wasn't sure that I heard right. I noticed smirks from some of the boys who were apparently amused that I had to stay. I'm sure I looked surprised, because I was. Hal had mentioned nothing about me having to stay longer than my foster brothers did, and I began to wonder. What did I do wrong? Did he mean I had to stay home all day?

  As the other boys left for the park, I looked at the people who remained with Hal and me. Ant's face was pleading for me to understand that he had nothing to do with Hal's decision. Jenny appeared to be searching for something on the floor, and Miss Martin rubbed her temple as if she felt the beginning of a migraine. It was clear to me that I wasn't going to the park at all that day, and I was fighting to control my anger when I challenged Hal.

  "Why do I have to stay? Am I being punished? I'm supposed to meet Papa and Coach Riddle. Coach Riddle rearranged his schedule to coach me one on one today. I'll have to run to get there on time as it is."

  Hal answered me pleasantly as if he were explaining the concept of sharing to a toddler. "You have to stay because as Ant's roommate and someone who has shared common experiences, you're the best one to be his buddy and help him get adjusted on his first day. I called Papa last night and told him that you wouldn't be there this morning."