Kelly's Rules

by Barbara Miller

  “Humor is my only defense. Do you have any idea what it’s like to grow up in bars with old bewhiskered men groping you and asking for a kiss? Those first fifteen years were not pretty, Quinn.”

  “You left home when you were fifteen?”

  “No, I started a cleaning business to make ends meet. By the time I was eighteen, we were solvent enough for me to buy a fixer-upper, the house Bea burned down.”

  “Whew. That’s…”

  “What, disgusting?”

  “I was going to say impressive.”

  He dropped the bag and grabbed her in that hug that seemed just friendly, or was it more? They were out of the view of the crowd in the dining room who were now arguing over what to have for dessert. Kelly wanted it to be more but didn’t think she was ready for that yet. Still she did want him to hold her. Conflicting emotions flipped on and off inside her like a defective light switch.

  “I think you are equal to anything,” he whispered as he let her go.

  “Thanks. Just let the mother issue alone, okay?”

  “You do care about her, don’t you? I mean I know you say a lot of things that are funny and off the cuff, but you do love your mother, don’t you?” He looked into her eyes.

  “To tell you the truth, Quinn, I have forgiven my mother for every insane crisis she has put me through, from infancy until now. But I can’t erase all those years of poverty and downright danger from my memory.”

  “Having to take care of yourself made you the person you are. You have to admit that.”

  “Yes, a person who never had a childhood. Bea is the main reason I’ve given up on marriage. Sue is another. I see them making the same mistakes over and over. I don’t need that crap.”

  “So you plan never to marry because of stuff that happened to…someone else?”

  “Let’s just say I’m kind of a loner because of it, at least until now.”

  He stepped back from her and sighed. “Okay, let me carry that to the car for you.”

  “I was just going to walk it. You’ll need the Jeep in case Jason needs attention.”

  Finally they compromised. He helped her start the Beast and drove Kelly to his house, promising to show up as soon as Jason was feeling fit enough the next day.

  “Maybe we could just leave the place overnight.” He came in and turned on the lights for her.

  “No good. People have seen us carrying in building materials and tools. Someone might think they can make off with some of that.”

  “But I don’t want you here alone if someone breaks in.”

  “That’s why I brought my dog.”

  “Huh?”

  She pulled out a pocket tape recorder and played a junkyard dog snarling for him.

  “Okay, I’m convinced, but call me if you hear anything. I’ll be awake.”

  After he left, Kelly snuggled down in his sleeping bag and sighed with relief. It smelled faintly of soap and something indefinable. It made her feel safe even though she knew she wasn’t. It made her feel wanted even though she knew that might never happen. Kelly reviewed the evening, trying to figure out how she ended up here and cringed when she realized she had told Quinn everything, including her fear of marriage. Yes, she dated, just to discover new rules about men, but she never really intended to let a relationship have a chance. All she was doing was collecting material for a handbook that would warn women away from men. How pathetic was that?

  Something was ringing and Kelly thought for a second it might be her head, but she sat up and shook it. The ringing continued. She checked her watch. After three. Could it be one of the smoke alarms she’d installed? She stepped into her shoes and ran to the kitchen, but the sounds then seemed to come from the living room. She ran back in and zeroed in on the pile of luggage in the corner. Maybe an alarm clock. She hunted till she found it. A phone. Now who… Could be an emergency, so she punched talk.

  “Quinn, why didn’t you answer my messages?”

  “This isn’t—” she croaked.

  “How dare you leave me when I’m not even home? I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want a divorce.”

  “I’m not Quinn.”

  “What, well who is this?”

  “Ah…”

  “Never mind. I have a pretty good idea. Well, brace yourself because neither one of you is going to get away with this.”

  “Could I consider this a death threat?” Kelly asked, by now not liking Brenda at all and starting to feel vindictive.

  “Don’t you just wish? Killing is too good for you. I’m going to make Quinn pay.”

  Kelly tapped the end button and tried to fantasize about blowing her up but foundered for lack of information. Quinn seemed an intelligent man. How could he have married such a witch?

  It rang again and she almost dropped it in her haste to turn it off. She laid it on the mantel and watched it as though it were a time bomb.

  Just to establish her presence she walked the house, shining the flashlight out into the yard. If anyone was out there, well…look out. She had her audio Doberman. But she had a funny feeling that would not impress someone like Quinn’s wife.

  Chapter Six

  “Rule 6: The world is full of men and the women they married when they were young.” — SMFA

  The next morning Quinn woke Jason, who gave him a normal teenage answer and rolled back over to go to sleep again. The bump on his head had gone down and was not even warm. So Quinn dressed and walked to Kelly’s back door. No one answered, but the door was open with only the screen between him and coffee fixings. He took the initiative and went in and started it. He could hear a shower running and assumed Kelly had come back. The agenda for the day was assessing the plumbing and wiring. After that he might have an idea what everything was going to cost him. By the time Kelly got down to the kitchen, Quinn was sipping coffee and making pancakes. She smiled at him as she hopped up on one of the counter stools. He poured her a cup.

  “How’d you sleep in the creepy old haunted house?”

  “Fine up until three a.m. How’s Jason?” She poured half and half into her mug and sighed over it.

  “Very stiff, but no headache, just everything in his body complaining. What happened at three?” He turned to stare at her but she had her eyes closed over her mug of coffee.

  Kelly finally roused herself. “I recommend a hot shower every couple of hours followed by lots of sofa time. He can review my DVD collection.”

  “Someone from the police department is going to stop by to look at the car and talk to Jason. My son says I don’t have to be here.”

  “But you would like to.”

  “Yes, of course. I’d like to know what really happened.”

  “I like that Jason wants to handle this himself.”

  Quinn nodded and set a plate of pancakes in front of her along with a pitcher of warmed syrup. “Okay, I see your point. So what woke you?”

  “Your cell phone.” She laid it on the table.

  “Oops, I forgot it. Did Brenda call?”

  “I guess that was her. If I’d been thinking instead of groggy from sleep I would never have answered it, but I thought it might be you or there might be an emergency.”

  Quinn’s mouth twisted up at one corner. “So what is it this time, sleeping pills, slashing her wrists, plunging her car in the river?”

  Kelly swallowed a bite and stared at him. “Whoa, is that what you usually get?”

  “That’s why I was so adept at breaking into Sue’s. I’ve had to get past a locked door in my own house many times to keep Brenda from offing herself. Now that seems like wasted effort.” He knew he sounded bitter but, damn it, he was bitter, and Kelly was one person he could confide that to.

  “Possibly she wasn’t serious any of those times.”

  “I’m sure you’re right. So she didn’t tell you she was going to kill herself?”

  Kelly swallowed a bite. “No, according to her, the only people going to die are you and me.”

  He closed his eye
s and let his head drop forward, embarrassed at Kelly having to hear Brenda’s threats. “Kelly, I’m so sorry.” He reached across the counter and laid his hand over hers. He knew that wasn’t any help but he didn’t know what else to do.

  “Well, it’s my fault for answering it.” Kelly slid her hand out and patted his. “Now she thinks the worst.”

  “You call that the worst, us having an affair?” He smirked.

  “Who’s having an affair?” Bea growled behind them, making Kelly inhale a crumb and cough it across the table.

  Quinn couldn’t help laughing though he was worried about making Kelly angry. How had Bea sneaked in the screen door without them hearing her?

  “I thought you were staying at Sue’s.” Kelly turned to Bea who was homing in on the stove.

  “She thinks you and I need to bond,” Bea rasped. “Actually I just forgot my lighter.” When Bea reached for her cigarettes and lighter, Kelly leaped up, grabbed both and carried them to the back deck.

  Bea stood with her hand on the screen door. “Hey, I wouldn’t stop you from smoking in my house.”

  “You don’t have a house, Mom, because you burned it down.” Kelly sat down again and gulped her coffee. “Besides I’m allergic to smoke.”

  “I smoked for years when you were little.”

  “And if you recall I had a permanent case of bronchitis. I’ll be lucky if I don’t come down with lung cancer.”

  “I’ve smoked all my life and it hasn’t hurt my lungs. I don’t inhale.”

  “Leaving all the carcinogens for the rest of us. I see, Mom.”

  Bea growled, poured herself a cup of coffee and headed toward the deck. But she paused at the screen door. “So are you two doing it or what?”

  “No! We have a professional relationship, nothing else.”

  “Whoa, Kelly. Turning pro. I don’t know about that. Isn’t it illegal?”

  Quinn’s burst of laughter distracted him from what they said next, but his loss of control was ill-timed. He loved listening to them argue like this but didn’t imagine it was that much fun for Kelly.

  “You think this is funny? Just wait ’til you get my bill.”

  “That does bring me to something we need to discuss. I may have to hold off on some of the work since I’ll probably have to get a new vehicle.”

  Kelly shrugged. “You can owe me.”

  “Give me your honest opinion. Can my house be fixed temporarily for a couple of thousand dollars?”

  “Look at this place. It had no roof when I moved in. Yours is in way better shape than that.”

  “You could have just offered to buy it from me and I might have accepted your offer.”

  “I play it straight, Quinn. I can see how you feel about that house. I’m not like a man.”

  “Or many women apparently.”

  “What do you mean?” she said belligerently and stabbed at her pancakes.

  “You think men are the only liars in the world, the only players?”

  “I see your point. Brenda must have told you a whopper to get you involved with her.”

  Quinn reluctantly went back in his mind to that fateful day that he had tried so hard to forget. “She told me she was carrying my child.”

  “Wow. That would do it. A Galahad like you? She had you.” Kelly twisted her fork in the mess on her plate as though she were killing something.

  “Galahad? Hardly.” Quinn recalled his exact motivation. “I had gotten drunk once, so I considered it was possible and she seemed so…”

  “Helpless?” Kelly threw down her fork.

  “Yeah. That was such a long time ago. Now I know it was an act.” In spite of his horrendous marriage he couldn’t regret it for it had produced Jason.

  “I’m glad you got Jason away from her.”

  Quinn was surprised Kelly almost echoed his thoughts. “Jason is smarter than his brother Paul, and a lot smarter than I was at that age.”

  Kelly nodded. “Should we take Jason some breakfast?”

  “I decided to let him sleep. So you think we can fix my place?”

  “Since you’re willing to help. That’s the best way. Things will be the way you want them. It will be your house.”

  “What do you mean?” How could it not be his house? He looked down and realized he hadn’t eaten a bite and pushed the plate away.

  “Too many people have the creative part of redoing a house stolen by a decorator. Then it’s her house or his house, not yours.”

  Quinn shook his head, happy to hear Kelly focusing on neutral ground again instead of his past mistakes. She was back to looking open and sincere rather than shuttered. It was almost like she’d been angry at Brenda for his sake. “Decorating hasn’t even crossed my mind yet. I just want it to be livable. We can evolve into the niceties.”

  “You ready?” Kelly glanced up at him with a clear brow.

  They passed Bea on the deck and carried the tools of the day toward the Jeep. For someone who had just come to pick up her lighter, Bea looked firmly entrenched. “You think it’s safe to leave her here?” Quinn asked. He opened the hood and fiddled with the spark plug wires and the Beast started when Kelly turned the key.

  “No, but I can’t control her,” Kelly said when he hopped in.

  “You left your back door open.”

  “Sue’s upstairs, so she will be down soon. Bea must have walked over from her place, which is quite a feat for her. No wonder she needed a smoke.” She turned the Jeep and pointed it toward his house. “Someday you are going to have to reveal to me your magic touch with this vehicle.”

  “You just need new spark plugs, maybe new wires.”

  “I just got new spark plugs and wires at the last inspection.” To demonstrate Kelly pulled the receipt from the glove box.

  “No, you didn’t,” Quinn assured her. “If I were you, I’d take it someplace else next time.”

  “Uh-huh. We’ll see about that. I may have a talk with the manager.”

  “Take my advice and write it off to experience. Take your business someplace else next time. So now that we’re done with the roof, what next? More porch flooring?”

  “I’d still like to look at the wiring but you need a toilet that really flushes sincerely.”

  “The water is on, but when I opened the main valve, I had that flood in the downstairs bathroom, so I shut down all the valves in that room. It’s beyond me.”

  “Only wiring is beyond us. Electricity can kill you. A small flood is no big deal. That’s why we are going to go over the toilets piece by piece.”

  “Oh, that sounds like so much fun.” He got a smile out of her with that one. Quinn had this feeling that even if they couldn’t have a relationship yet they could be fast friends. Right now having someone he could count on to understand was a lot more valuable to him than romance.

  * * * * *

  By eleven Kelly had inspected the three toilets and with Quinn’s muscle to lift them, had replaced the wax seals on all of them. The seal had been the culprit in the aforementioned flood. A cheap fix at five bucks apiece. But the flush mechanism on one toilet was faulty so she sent Quinn to get the parts while she cleaned up many years of soap scum and other crud. The hardware store would be an education for him.

  It was amazing what you could achieve with a can of cleanser, provided you had running water. Cleaning wasn’t currently on her list of skills though she had started that way, but for Quinn she made an exception.

  Kelly was on the second floor when she heard pounding on the front door. Maybe Quinn had forgotten his key, but the kitchen door was open. She thumped down the two flights of stairs to see a blonde outside peering into the entrance hall. The stick figure woman gave Kelly an uneasy feeling.

  Her first instinct was not to let her in. She had to be Brenda, the Deceitful. Knowing the front door was locked, she pointed to the back of the house. The queen bitch was not going to breeze in the front way. Not until they had glued down all the loose pieces of parquet. Besides, Kelly ha
d no right to admit anyone into a house that was not hers.

  Brenda did not descend the steps and go around on the sidewalk to the kitchen entrance but followed the porch, breaking the construction tape and drilling holes into the old portion of the porch floor with her stilettos. She had also lit up a cigar, one of those thin cheroots that used to be so popular. Yuck.

  Kelly went to the dining room window and flung it open. “May I help you?”

  “I want in,” she said, glaring at Kelly as if she were the serving girl. Well, Kelly didn’t look that good with cleanser all over her clothes and probably in her hair as well, but no one talked to her like that.

  “Who are you?”

  “Brenda Farrell.”

  “Are you related to Quinn?” Kelly used denseness as a delaying tactic, hoping Quinn would return. She could smell the alcohol from several feet away.

  “I’m his friggin’ wife if you must know. Now let me in.”

  “That door doesn’t open yet. And you can’t come in here.”

  “Why not?”

  “It isn’t safe.” That was sort of true. She knew it wasn’t safe to let her in Quinn’s house.

  “The hell it isn’t.” Brenda went around front and pounded on the door again, but the solid oak held against her onslaught. Kelly was fearful she would poke a hole in the floor they had not replaced yet big enough to break her ankle. Well not fearful exactly, more like waiting in joyful anticipation. But then Brenda would probably sue. Could she sue her own husband, even though she had ripped down the construction tape and entered the porch illegally?

  “I told you, lady, that door can’t open, and some of that porch is about to cave in.”

  “He’s in there, isn’t he?”

  “Do you see his vehicle here?”

  “Damn, I’ll just wait for him. Let me in another way.”

  “We are using the kitchen entrance and I still can’t let you into someone else’s house.” She was making this up as she went along. “How do I know you’re actually married to Quinn?”

  “Because I said so.”

  “You got a driver’s license?” Pretty safe bet she didn’t bother to carry one.