Silent Dances

by A. C. Crispin

  "The only music I care about is the loon' s, or the meadowlark's ... or the

  rousette's."

  Tesa sighed and relaxed . " It's my own fault Meg thinks I'm having the

  surge ry . I didn ' t want to argue with her ... or my parents, either."

  "Your parents think you want it?" Thorn looked surprised. "It means so much to them. I said I ' d have it done next year ... but it's just not right for me. You're the first person I've told this to since leaving StarBridge ...

  actually, you're the first hea ri ng person who hasn ' t t ri ed to change my mind."

  "I can't believe anyone would try to change your mind." Tesa looked rueful.

  "Most hearing people can't imagine why anyone would want to be disabled."

  Thorn gave her a penetrating stare. "You're not disabled, and anyone who

  thinks you are is stupid."

  They stood, eyeing each other for a few minutes.

  "So, is this what we're going to be?" Thorn finally asked, meeting her eyes.

  "I'm hearing and you're deaf ? I liked it better when I was Thorn, and you were ... a stunning woman who smiled at me." He moved closer to her

  and ran a finger along the edge seam of her quilt . " I read that in the old days, if an eligible woman was interested in a young man, she'd invite

  him inside her buffalo robe , and they would stand outside her family ' s tipi , wrapped up together in plain sight , whispe ri ng

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  114 A.C. Crispin and Kathleen O'Malley softly, while eve ry one pretended not to see them."

  " When did you read about that ?" Tesa asked , smiling w ry ly. "Last night ," he confessed . " I looked it up. I love old traditions , don't you?"

  She laughed. "This is not my family' s tipi!"

  He nodded. " And ... I don ' t know how to whisper to you. Tesa , how do deaf people talk when they ' re holding each other?"

  " By finger - w ri ting on each other's backs," she explained. He moved boldly , surrounding her, quilt an d all, with his arms. Pulling her close , he wrote on her back , " Like this?"

  He smelled woodsy and clean , like T ri nity did, like home did, an d his scent raised the hairs on her arms. Even through the blanket , she

  could feel the strength in his body , his arms. Goose bumps sprouted

  along Tesa ' s arms as she realized how attracted she was to him.

  His eyes glitt e re d in the half light of the terminal. He spelled, "Kiss you?"

  No, she thought re g re tfully . She was too aware of the lack of p ri vacy , the nea rn ess of her own bed-and the role she'd have to play with the

  Grus in the mo rn ing . Reluctantly she shook her head an d stepped back.

  Thorn looked disappointed, but released her graciously. Tesa re ached

  for the pad of paper . " In your reading, did you find out about Iktomi ?"

  she wrote , showing him.

  He shook his head.

  " He's a t ri ckster ," she signed , " a spider being , a legend. He must have followed me he re ... to b ri ng us together the night before I join the Grus."

  "Does he always introduce ... lovers?"

  "Only if it will cause tr ouble ," she signed ruefully. "Soon, I'll be in Taller '

  s shelter ... I'll be one of the White Wind people . I think then we might

  see each other differently." That was Iktomi-making people want what

  they couldn't have. She wondered if he'd given the rousette its voice.

  "You must be crazy if you think I'm giving up that easy," Thorn signed. He moved to take her in his arms again.

  She pulled away. " No! You 're rushing me, Thorn!"

  "You really mean that ," he signed , realizing it himself. She nodded . "

  This is happening too f as t. We only met yesterday! And I'll be here for a long time."

  "Out there, not here. When will I see you again?"

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  SILENT DANCES 115 "We'll make time," she assured him, amused by

  his urgency. "But, that's not really what we both came here for, is it?"

  " It's not against the rules," he signed, looking abashed. "I have my own rules, Thorn."

  He sighed, capitulating. "You really think we can find time to get together

  while you're in the shelter?"

  She shrugged. "If I tell Taller I want time alone--" Thorn's head swiveled

  abruptly, breaking their eye contact, preventing Tesa from finishing her

  sentence. Her hands hung uselessly, while he scanned the darkness around

  her room. When Thorn turned around, her tight-lipped expression startled

  him.

  " I thought I heard- -" he sta rt ed to sign.

  Tesa whipped her head around before he could finish, showing him the

  effect of breaking eye contact with a signer. Touching her cheek, he turn ed

  her head gently.

  "I'm sorry," he signed. "I thought I heard Meg."

  "Thorn," she explained patiently, "you don't want me to be deaf, but I am.

  You don't want to be hearing--but you are. Sound is, and always will be,

  more important to you than anything I might have to say."

  "That ' s not true ! I made a mistake . These are new rules for me, but I can lea rn them . And this is one I won ' t forget."

  " Yes, you will," she signed. "Just like you forgot I was deaf when you first showed up. You're careless with your eye contact . I've watched you with

  the Grus, and you ' re the same way, and you know how they feel about

  ` the look'! It could make them think you're dishonest, that you've got a

  hidden agenda . And it makes me suspect your sinceri ty. It seems as though the only thing you can remember is that I ' m a woman."

  " Listen ..." he began , and then blushed over that sign. "Stop that . I'm listening."

  "Meg will be furious if she finds me here with you."

  "That' s ridiculous ," Tesa insisted . " I'm an adult."

  Thorn shook his head. "She'll be furious with me. She warned me to stay

  away from you. She's afraid I'll distract you, or maybe ... myself ... but I had to talk to you."

  There was a long, awkward pause . Finally , Tesa signed, "We'll meet somehow . We'll sta rt over. Good night , Thorn ." He left , moving surely through the shelter.

  With mixed emotions, Tesa sat down at the terminal. She

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  no longer knew how she felt, or what she wanted ... except, that she

  wished again that Thorn were deaf . She banged a key on the terminal

  ang ri ly , calling up her previous program.

  A sudden synchronized blink from the Mizari voder and the hologramic

  terminal distracted her, then a se ri es of strange symbols flickered

  across both computers simult an eously. They beg an flashing in s tr obelike beats, like two computers talking back and fo rt h with no

  human interference.

  It was now so late that the Crane' s computer was collecting data from the robot probes. The surge of information transfer flooded the terminal and

  the voder.

  Tesa turn ed them off . Let the machines have their p ri vate

  conversations , she'd check on those markers tomo rr ow. She gl an ced out the window , and had to search for the moons. Father Sun got

  up early . In three hours she'd be sta rt ing a new life.

  Curling up on the cot, she wrapped up in her quilt as though it were a

  cocoon, and t ri ed not to think about someone lying not twenty - five feet away , looking at the same stars, t ry ing not to think about her. Can he still hear the rousette ? Tesa wondered.

  Meg stared at the cu rv ed ceiling anxiously . At last , the glow from Tesa ' s computer had tu rn ed off; at last , the young woman had crawled into her creaky cot. But was she sleeping? Meg doubted it .

  And Thorn ? He was still tossing and tu rn ing.

  Meg heard a groan from his room
, an d the complaints of Scott's ancient

  bed as Thorn flopped over one mo re time. Her face bu rn ed . Thorn had heard her stumble against that new piece of equipment. You dese rv ed to get caught , she could hear Scott scold her. You old busybody.

  Oh, shut up, she argued back. You wouldn ' t care if this whole place turned into a razgul, a copulating free-for-all. What ' s wrong with that ?

  Scott ' s memo ry- voice b an tered back.

  That' s not how work gets done! You wouldn ' t listen to me when Thorn first came aboard and look what happened.

  What happened? Two consenting adults ...

  The Cr an e was in an uproar . Bruce acted like an overbearing father , and Lauren was hurt , embarrassed , and a suka, a bitch to work with for weeks ...

  Until Peter won her affections . It worked out fine . You always

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  SILENT DANCES 1 17 let these things bother you too much. And now

  you're panicking because Thorn's interested in Tesa. Shame on you,

  tiptoeing around, spying on them, like a wicked stepmother.

  Chertovski durak , you damned fool, we don't have time for that! He

  promised me ... Meg stopped the mental dialogue with herself. She was

  having more and more of them since she'd come back, as though Scott was

  always perched on her shoulder whispering in her ear.

  Scott would've thrown Thorn at Tesa. He would've insisted Meg and he go

  away so the lovers could have privacy. Scott would be chuckling merrily

  while forcing Meg to sleep on the ground. It was all part of his humanity, his

  warm, loving nature. It was why the Grus had taken to him so quickly. It was

  why Meg loved him so much. Her best friend, the finest person she'd known.

  Scott, golubchik moi, Meg flung an arm over her eyes, I miss you so much.

  Taller stood on one leg in the inky water, peering into the darkness. The

  night sounds of the marsh washed over him, familiar and comforting. Weaver

  had eaten well, while their chick slept in his egg. When she'd returned to the

  nest to take over incubation, she'd felt confident, she liked Good Eyes, and

  she'd seemed happier than she'd been in months. As soon as she'd settled

  herself, the chick had begun cutting his way out.

  Below the marsh sounds came the noisy splashing of the humans as they

  approached. They were early. That pleased him.

  Suddenly First-One-There and Relaxed broke through the reeds and waved

  a greeting to him. He dipped his head politely to them, finally seeing Good

  Eyes. First-One and Relaxed were giving Good Eyes last-minute

  instructions, as parents would. First-One was warning her about the cold and

  ordering her to eat well. Relaxed signed several times, "Please be careful."

  Taller cocked his head to one side.

  There was something new in the way the humans interacted, in the way

  Relaxed looked at Good Eyes, the way he and FirstOne glanced at each

  other. Could Relaxed be courting Good Eyes? Humans did not burst into

  spontaneous dance when they became interested in each other. Puff had

  told Taller that their courting was different, very physical. Also, some

  humans, like Puff and First-One, had relationships of companionship that

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  never culminated in sex or child- rearing . That , to Taller, seemed sad.

  Taller had a sudden flash of jealousy. No one would interfere with his

  family, of which Good Eyes was now a part.

  The three human s shared gestures, which involved embraces and the

  touching of their soft lips. Finally , Good Eyes looked at Taller, and her eyes held his steadily.

  She turn ed back to the others an d signed , " I'll be fine. I'll eat three meals. I'll brush my teeth . I've got to go!" Suddenly Relaxed held out a h an d , palm forward , his sho rt , five fingers making a sign Taller had never seen. The thumb, first finger , and last , tiny finger pointed up , the two middle fingers held down . First - One saw the sign and copied it.

  The young woman returned the sign with emphasis, an d then spun

  around and marched resolutely to where Taller waited. The avi an held

  up his own three - fingered hand, t ry ing to imitate the sign. " What does that me an ?" he asked Good Eyes. Her alien eyes gleamed at him. "It ' s a sign from my world." She made it for him . " It me an s ` I love you.'"

  Taller looked at Relaxed . With great deliberation, he enveloped the

  hum an with his wing and made her a part of his family.

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  CHAPTER 11

  Parenthood

  Tesa danced on the air, a little flying thing with shiny wings, following the

  trail of drifting sweet smoke into the tiny sweat lodge. In the center of the

  lodge was a shallow circular depression. That was where the hot stones

  should have been, sending up their purifying steam , but instead, there was

  only a bundle made of gleaming feathered cloth. Inside the bundle

  something moved, something alive.

  Beside the bundle stood a Grus, just fledged, his long, black primaries at

  odds with his layered cinnamon and white feathers.

  "Come outside," signed the Grus, beckoning to her as he slipped through the

  slitted opening of the lodge.

  Disoriented, she followed. The Grus yearling stood among giant trees ,

  beside a bundle made of feathered cloth. Inside the bundle, something

  moved, something alive. "This is the answer," he signed, simply. "Look."

  She was suddenly filled with fear. An angry Wakinyan emerged from under

  the cloth like a genie from a bottle. The massive black thunderbird, swathed

  in mists and clouds, soon

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  towered over them. It opened its beak in what had to be a ter ri ble sc re am.

  I can' t hear it, she thought, panicking, I can ' t hear it! Jagged stre aks of lightning re nt the sky . She looked back at the sweat lodge an d realized , with a sick feeling , that its entr an ce was facing east, not west as she had o ri ginally thought . This was the sweat lodge of a heyoka .

  She felt the Wakiny an' s mocking words . " What a backward - forward way to be."

  Tesa turned to the Grus but he dissolved, becoming instead a gig an tic

  red an d white bear, whose ter ri ble jaws we re split in a hideous g ri n.

  She fled back into the sweat lodge, away from the laughing bear, away fro m

  the Wakiny an, only to find a white bundle whe re the hot rocks should be-inside the bundle , something moved.

  Something alive.

  Tesa felt a soft tickling against her thro at . Her sleep - fogged brain t ri ed to re spond, but her ti re d body re fused . She snuggled deeper into the soft cocoon but fin al ly re alized that the re was something alive in her bed.

  She edged away an d peered down . Beneath her chin a ball of sleeping

  fluff re acted to her withdrawal by snuggling closer. Forgot about you, thought Tesa to the chick she'd watched

  hatch a few hours before. He was d ry now, his cinnamon fluff highlighted

  by blond tufts a ro und his beak an d behind his wings . His inf an t trust helped dispel the wor ry Tesa had felt on waking . The chick was

  undoubtedly , Tesa felt, the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen , an d she loved him unconditionally.

  When Tesa had entered the nest shelter in the early morn ing darkness ,

  the inte ri or had been so black she could barely make out the b ri lli an t whiteness of Weaver ' s re clining form. Soon, though , a luminous , dusky glow beg an to penetrate the gloom th ro ugh thous an ds of thin slits in the tule mat walls.

  The chick had nearly finished cutt ing out of the egg, an d as the Mo
ther

  Sun followed the Father, he ' d pushed out. His wet down had clung to

  his spindly neck an d tiny, fingerless wings . His dark an d swollen legs had been full of edema that would be quickly absorbed . He'd lain the

  re, one big blue eye staring at his parents as though wonde ri ng what the crowd was for.

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  T esa had fallen in love with him, but the hatchling would not see ve ry

  well for several days . Because of her dark clothes and coloring , he

  could only focus on her poorly , if at all. For Tesa , that was

  disappointing.

  Weaver had probed deep into the nest with her bill, pulling out small globs

  of mud from its foundation . Traditionally, the pa re nts fed the chick mud so that he would be fo re ver pa rt of the World . The mud would give him water , the nou ri shment of minerals , trace elements , and micro-life, along with the digestive aid of fine sand that the small,

  toothless being needed. Tesa had thought again of the Hopi ' s Sipapu ,

  the Ea rt h Navel in the kiva symbolizing the birth of all humans from

  Mother Earth.

  The wet hatchling had gobbled the bits of marsh mud greedily fr om Weaver

  ' s an d Taller ' s bills , as Tesa pinched some between her fingers to present to him . Suddenly something tiny and sharp had jabbed her

  thumb an d blood had welled around the mud . Tesa had re moved a sliver of shell an d , at Taller's insistence , had fed the chick the mud glob , colored with her blood.

  "Now," Taller had signed, " you are a pa rt of him, also." Then he ' d urged her to re st . The two Grus had al re ady prepared a place for her on the ri m of the nest , whe re she could feel the gentle warmth of the

  decaying reeds . Taller's an d Weaver ' s own hatching cloaks had made the matt re ss an d blanket.

  " I won't disturb you, lying he re?" she'd asked Weaver. " Not once I tuck my head ," the female had assured her. "Taller says I could sleep

  through a marsh fire. "

  Tire dly , Tesa had slid between the cloaks. The subtle bo tt om warmth , and the soft , white feathers had lulled her within seconds . The

  presence of the large avi an next to her had seemed like the most

  normal thing in the World.

  How long had she slept? Had she d re amt? Typically, she couldn't re

  member . Without letting in cool air , Tesa pulled her head out fr om under the cloak . The light was strong, an d dust motes an d bits of feather fluff d an ced on gentle air currents. Beams of light bounced off