If I wasn’t sure of it before, I am now.
I’m falling in love with Eric Carmen.
Chapter Nineteen
Eric
The first thing I notice when we get home is the butterfly shelter. It’s different now.
It had taken a little longer than usual, which makes me think that the type of butterflies that I’m gonna have are different than I originally figured, but it’s finally happening. The first butterfly has emerged from its chrysalis which means it won’t be long now before the others do it too.
When I asked Amelia to come back to the bluffs with me to release them, I thought it would be ten days at most, but it’s been a little longer than that. She probably doesn’t even remember me asking her now, so when I get to school today and see her, I’ve gotta remind her.
I want to do this with her. In fact, out of all the things we could do together, this is the most important. We could have everything else stripped away but as long as this remains, then I’m happy.
In elementary school, we always had the choice of picking out library books and one time, without really thinking, I ended up picking up a book about butterflies and their life cycle. I wasn’t really into technical reading then, enjoying fictional stories more than ones that taught me things, but now, I’m really glad I picked up that book.
I learned a whole lot more than just their life cycles and how to take care of them. I also learned what they mean. They’re more than just an insect or something beautiful to watch on a warm summer day. To some, they have a deeper meaning and it’s that meaning that makes releasing them with Amelia so important.
It’s a spirit animal and it’s a symbol for personal growth, transformation and for some, a total rebirth. With all the changes we’ve both been going through, the butterfly means even more than the phoenix.
What my mom said in the car earlier, it’s true. I have come a long way. I’ve been going through the motions, struggling to get by for so long that I never thought it would ever change. I’d given up hope. It’s half the reason the incident last fall happened at all. I had no hope, nothing to look forward to so I’d reached what I thought was my end.
I really believed at the time that everyone would be better off without me. My parents would stop fighting because my dad wouldn’t have to deal with having a less than perfect son and my mom wouldn’t have the stress of taking care of me.
Belle would be better off because it would be one less of us around that she had to worry about. She doesn’t think I know, but she always cared more about the rest of us in class then she did herself. She wanted people to change their opinions of people with special needs so when she left high school behind, the people that were still there would have an easier time than she did.
Doing away with myself was just better for everyone involved, including me.
I’m glad my mom found me before that could happen because I know it was wrong. Amelia didn’t make me see that, it’s something I learned on my own, but it was helped along by her. Spending time with her, the world around me just seemed brighter. Not quite as dark as I’d been seeing it since my diagnosis. It’s the reason why I called her my perfect storm.
She gave me the light back, proved to me that everything isn’t as black and white as it first appears and even the worst things can be turned around and changed.
She’s a butterfly, which means that when the others finally break free, we’re going back to the bluffs and we’re releasing them and everything we’ve both been holding onto for years back out into the world, freeing us in the process.
The way it should be.
Orchid.
She’s texting me her favorite flower which means she’s awake and got the present I left on her front step. Focusing on my breathing, the excitement at knowing she got it and the urge to ask her about it instantaneous, I attempt to calmly text her back.
Was there one in the bunch?
Yes. Two of them.
Thank god. She has no idea how happy that makes me. I’m actually thankful that she doesn’t. My level of happiness right now, it’s crazy and would probably freak her out.
We’re the perfect storm.
When the text pops up my screen, I’m not expecting it. We’re usually so back and forth when we talk that I wasn’t expecting to get another one until I’d written one first, but seeing it, what she wrote and what it means, I’m glad I didn’t text back because if I had, I’m not sure she would have said this.
YOU are the perfect storm.
LOL No, WE are.
Why?
Easy. We’re the result of two forces colliding into one violent weather related disturbance in the atmosphere. If I’m the lightning and thunder, you’re the rain.
I’m her rain. So, I make her wet?
No. I can’t believe I even thought that. It’s a really good thing she’s not telling me this face to face right now. I would have blurted that out and it’s wrong. So wrong.
What does the rain mean to you?
The rain is like the water. It cleanses you. Do you remember what you said about the phoenix a couple weeks ago?
Of course I remembered. I wrote everything out to her on the sketch and I can still remember it word for word. It’s burned into my brain, just the way I want it to be. I never wanna forget a word that I’ve said or written to her.
Yeah.
Right. So when it’s reborn, everything in the past is washed away and it has a chance to start over. You’re the rain, Eric.
When I wrote the note on the picture weeks ago, the last thing I expected is that she would search out more information about it or even take my words and turn them into something that fit for her. I know I did that, but I never imagined that she would. She just didn’t seem the type.
I was so completely wrong about her.
Not only did she take what I told her and expand on it, she turned it around so that now, just the way she means something to me, I mean something to her. We really are what she said a few minutes ago.
Together we’re individual pieces, but when we’re together, we really are a force and not just any force.
The strongest one.
Amelia
Rain is messy.
There’s something about what he says that reminds me of something and as much as I want to respond back right now, I can’t until I figure out what it is.
I know it’s something he’s said or written before, but it’s aggravating that I can’t remember exactly what was said or where. Leaning across the bed, I pull the drawer open and just like I did the night before when I was looking for his sketch of me, I pull out every single thing he’s ever given me, placing them all out in front of me until they are all I can see.
Picking up the letter he wrote me, scanning over it with my eyes, I find exactly what I’m looking for.
His reaction to the rain, it’s here in his letter. I knew there was a reason it reminded me of something. I’m just glad it didn’t take me long to find it.
Water is the worst for me. When its running over my skin the way it does when you’re in the shower or caught in a rainstorm, it feels like a million bugs have been released all over me and right on first contact, I start to crack, break down, completely unable to handle it. The stuff I mentioned above, I do all of it and it takes hours afterward to be okay again. Even. Steady.
Sometimes the messiest things are the most beautiful.
It’s a play on his own words to me after the movie a week ago, but I don’t care. It was true then even if I didn’t see at it at the time and it’s true now.
My mom’s taking me to school now. Can you meet me?
I want to talk to you before things get crazy.
I miss you.
Miss kissing you too.
Text after text comes through and each one makes me smile a little more than the last. The only one that worries me is the one he sent after asking me to meet him. What does he mean before things get crazy? What is he expecting to happen tod
ay?
He’s expecting things to be the way they always are, obviously.
Could that be what it is? Is he worried that because I’m back at school now that things are just going to go back to the way they’ve always been and everything that happened between us is going to end?
I can’t let him think that. I don’t want anything to change because I’m coming back. I meant what I said to him. It’s a chance for everything to be different. I mean it even more because I promised myself that Amy wouldn’t be coming back.
Only Amelia.
I’ll see you there in twenty minutes. I miss you too. <3
The transformation is complete now. I’ve somehow managed to not use emoticons the entire time we’ve been texting back and forth since the day he gave me his number, but now I’m doing it. Hearts and all, exactly the way he did with the note he wrote me.
I’m more of a girl now than I ever was before, but only for him.
Eric
Going out in public, being together at the movies and even the walks we took around the town while we waited to get into our appointments last week, it should be enough to erase this awkward feeling inside me, but it’s not.
Nothing bad ever happened to me at the movie theatre. I wasn’t slammed up against a popcorn machine or even worse, trapped in the bathroom there and beaten down by a bunch of guys that had a whole lot of anger for no reason. I didn’t get yanked from the middle of street while I was walking and taken somewhere and hurt.
That’s only happened at school.
As much as I want to believe things are different and that I have nothing to worry about with Amy coming back, all I can do is worry, even with everything she’s texted me this morning. Thinking about it is making me pretty shaky and it almost feels like the last month of my life hasn’t happened at all.
I’m right back where I was then, the same outcast, waste of space and general piece of garbage that means nothing to anyone.
That’s not true of course, but that’s what meeting with her this morning is about. I need to tell her how I’m feeling, what Kayden and Dillon said to me and then we need to decide the way things are going to go from there.
She’s my girlfriend so of course I want her to say that she doesn’t care what Tim and the others are going to think, she’s going to spend all of her free time sitting with me, the way we have been for weeks now, but I also have to prepare myself for the inevitable. She’ll come back and walk right back into her old position here.
Queen of the popular kids. Queen of the entire school.
I don’t want to keep her a secret anymore, it’s felt like that for long enough. I want to be able to tell Belle and the others about her, how I feel and have her hang out with us, all of them getting to know the real her. For everything to just be as perfect as it’s been since the first day we talked, but nothing has worked out for me this far, so I’m doubtful that I’ll get my wish this time either.
The minute she texted me back, telling me that she was leaving, I did the same thing. I jumped in the car with my mom and she dropped me off in the parking lot so I could make my way around to the back and the bleachers where anytime now, I’m gonna see her again.
I hate feeling torn like this. I jump back and forth every other second. One minute I’m happy and amazed that I get to call this girl mine and then it’s me feeling out of sorts and sick to my stomach with worry that what I’ve felt over the last month is about to go up in flames.
High school sucks.
“Hey.”
She’s here.
Taking a deep breath, settling my pounding my heart, I look up and smile.
“Hey.”
“So,” she says, coming around and sitting beside me, sliding her fingers into mine the minute she makes contact with the bleachers. “Why did you want to meet here?”
“A few reasons.”
“Okay. What’s the first one?”
“I wanted to do this.” I say, turning into her, running my hand across her face, leaning in and pressing my lips to hers softly. Once I’m surrounded by not only the tingle that I’ve come to enjoy but the intoxicating smell of her bubble gum flavor, I pull back. My cheeks are flushed, overheated and I’m sure with the way my lips are lifted, I’m wearing the world’s goofiest half smile. The one I always wear after I’ve kissed her.
“And what’s next?”
“We’re already doing the other thing I wanted.” I motion down to our hands, the connection we’re sharing. “I missed this. You.”
“I’m pretty sure I missed you more.” She laughs softly and unable to resist I bend into her again, this time kissing her forehead before moving down and doing the same to her nose.
“The real reason I wanted you here is because something happened a while ago and I didn’t tell you. With you coming back today, I think maybe we need to talk about it.”
“What happened?”
She’s concerned now, I can see it in her eyes. She’s not concerned for her reputation or any other selfish reason though, squeezing her hand as it’s locked in mine, she’s letting me know that she’s worried about me.
“Kayden and Dillon.”
“What about them?”
“Dillon saw us at the bluffs.”
“So, they warned you about me?”
“Yeah, I guess. More like a reminder.”
“Of course they did and you’re listening to them right? This is what the meeting is about. You want to break up?”
Is she kidding me right now? I’m worried about her being embarrassed to be with me and she thinks it’s me wanting to break up with her? Holy crap. I can’t let her think that. It’s insane.
“No. I don’t want to break up. I told you that I’m with you as long as you want me and I meant it.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“They know about us. I just don’t know how you’re gonna feel about that. I’m pretty sure that they aren’t gonna go spreading it around, but I have no idea if anyone else saw us or knows. I don’t want things to be awkward for you.”
“Eric?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t care who saw us.”
“You don’t?”
“No. The only thing I care about is how you feel about it. People knowing, especially Tim and the others, it’s not going to be easy.”
She doesn’t have to come right out and say it. When her friends find out we’re together; that we’re dating, the abuse I suffered in the fall is going to be tame. It’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better and that’s exactly what I’ve been so stressed out about.
I don’t know if I can handle going through all of that again. The name calling is one thing, I can block it out, but the physical stuff, it’s going to throw me right back where I was last fall.
“Do you think I’m embarrassed by you?” I ask. I know how I feel about it, what I’ve thought before but now I want to know if it’s mutual.
“Before I answer that can you tell me something?”
“Sure.”
“Does anyone know about us besides Kayden and Dillon? Have you told Belle or anyone else?”
“No.”
“Then yeah, a little.”
“I’m not. Embarrassed by you I mean.”
“Then why haven’t you told anyone?”
“Have you told Tim and the others?”
“No, but I haven’t talked to Tim in a little over a week.”
Before we got together. She’s not denying that she’s talked to him, they probably hung out during her time away, but she hasn’t spoken to anyone since we got together, which means she hasn’t had the chance to tell anyone, but I have because I’ve seen or talked to Belle every single day.
It’s no wonder she thinks I’m embarrassed by her.
“This is hard isn’t it?”
“What?”
“Navigating this. Trying to be us in a school where being us is going to cause problems. My past, the things I did, being with so
meone like you, one of the people I did all of the things to, it’s just going to be wrong.”
“Does being with me feel wrong?”
“No! Eric, that’s not what I meant. It’s not wrong to me. It’s the only thing in years that’s right, but other people, even your friends, they’re gonna think it’s wrong. You know they will.”
I do know that. Belle, for all her acceptance and understanding isn’t going to be able to do that with this. Amy hurt her, did the unthinkable to her. There’s no way she would ever accept me being with the person that hurt her and even though I understand it, it still hurts. I want my best friend to accept Amy the same way I do.
“So, what do we do?”
“What do you want to do, Eric?”
“Can we take things slow?”
“How do you mean?”
“This is your first day back. You need to get used to being here again, so maybe for a few days while you do that, we just keep doing things the way we have been. We still have our appointments with Thompson three days a week so it’s not like we’re completely separated.”
Her eyes drift downward and I feel sick. She already thinks I’m embarrassed by her, asking her to do things this way, it’s just going to make it worse.
“Amelia, I’m not embarrassed by you. I want to stand up right now, walk into the school holding your hand and show the entire world we’re together, but what you said is true. If we do that, things are going to get worse.”
“I don’t want anyone hurting you.” She whispers and sliding my hand out of hers, I wrap it around her and pull her body into mine, squeezing tightly.
“And I don’t want anyone hurting you.”
“So, we just pretend we’re nothing to each other for a few days?”
“No. I can’t do that. Pretending you’re nothing is impossible. Not when it’s pretty obvious you’re everything. We just need to find a way to be around each other without the entire school knowing.”
“You’re doing it again.”
“What?”
Take Me With You Page 19
