The Runaway Actress

by Connelly, Victoria

  ‘Wow!’ Maggie said. ‘That’s amazing!’

  ‘Blimey,’ Alastair said. ‘That’s pretty impressive. It looks like the real thing too,’ he said, stepping closer and examining it.

  ‘Don’t touch it!’ Connie warned. ‘I’m not sure how long it takes to dry and I don’t want to smudge it.’

  ‘You look like a real tough nut,’ Maggie said. ‘You know, I could almost fancy you like that.’

  Connie laughed and then looked at herself in the mirror.

  ‘That’s it!’ Alastair said.

  ‘What?’ Connie asked.

  ‘That’s your disguise. You’ll be Maggie’s boyfriend.’

  Maggie gasped. ‘Nobody will believe I’ve got a boyfriend.’

  ‘They will when they see you holding hands in The Capercaillie this lunchtime,’ Alastair said. ‘It’ll be the perfect opportunity to test-drive the disguise. You up for it, Connie?’

  ‘I guess,’ Connie said. ‘Maggie?’

  Maggie nodded. ‘If you are, Connie.’

  ‘You’ll have to have a name,’ Alastair said. ‘We can’t call you Connie any more, and you’ll have to have some sort of story. Work it out between you – where you’re from, Connie, and how you two met.’

  ‘Okay,’ Maggie said.

  ‘So, what do you want to be called?’ Alastair asked.

  Connie looked at herself in the mirror. ‘Ralph,’ she said.

  ‘Ralph?’ Maggie said with a giggle.

  ‘I had a dog called Ralph. I kind of remind myself of him with this funny little moustache.’

  ‘Ralph it is, then,’ Maggie said. ‘Isn’t this great, Alastair? It’s like proper acting!’

  ‘Aye, well, just make sure it’s an Oscar-worthy performance,’ Alastair said, ‘or we’ll all be in the newspapers by noon tomorrow.’

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  It was a good job they’d moved fast with Connie’s disguise because Colin Simpkins was still hanging around at lunchtime. Maggie had smuggled Connie out of the village hall and back to the B&B where Connie was able to complete her disguise with the blue contact lenses and baseball cap.

  ‘I suppose we’ll have to tell Isla when she gets back,’ Connie said.

  ‘She’ll think she’s got another guest,’ Maggie said.

  ‘Who else is going to know?’ Connie asked.

  ‘Hello?’ a voice called from downstairs.

  ‘It’s Hamish,’ Maggie said. ‘Are we going to tell him?’

  ‘We could try the disguise out on him, couldn’t we?’

  Maggie nodded. ‘Okay,’ she said and the two of them went downstairs to greet him.

  ‘Hamish – you on your lunch break?’ Maggie asked.

  ‘Afternoon off,’ he said. ‘I tried the shop first then guessed you’d be here with Connie,’ he said, nodding to Connie. ‘Where is she?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Maggie said. ‘Haven’t you seen her?’

  ‘Should I have?’ Hamish said.

  ‘Seems she’s gone missing,’ Maggie said.

  ‘Really? She’s not left, has she?’ Hamish said. ‘I didn’t get a chance to talk to her properly. Tell her how much I love her – her films.’

  Maggie grinned. ‘I’m sure you’ll get a chance yet but let me introduce you to my friend, Ralph. Ralph, this is my brother, Hamish.’

  ‘Hello,’ Hamish said with a brief nod.

  ‘Hello,’ Connie said, trying out her new Ralph voice. It was really rather good.

  ‘You having lunch down the pub with everyone?’ Hamish asked.

  ‘Just on our way,’ Maggie said. ‘Ralph’s coming too.’

  ‘Great,’ Hamish said and he was just about to open the door when Maggie grabbed his arm. ‘I said, Ralph’s coming too.’

  ‘Aye, I heard you.’

  Maggie grinned and wiggled her eyebrows.

  ‘What?’ Hamish said.

  ‘Do you not recognise him?’ Maggie asked.

  ‘Ralph?’ Hamish said. ‘No. Should I?’

  Maggie laughed and Connie joined in, causing Hamish to look confused because Ralph was laughing just like a girl.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Hamish asked.

  ‘It’s Connie!’ Maggie said.

  ‘What is?’

  ‘Ralph, you fool! It’s Connie!’

  ‘Connie?’

  ‘Aye, you loon!’

  Hamish took a step closer and Connie nodded.

  ‘Hello, Hamish,’ she said. ‘Don’t touch the moustache – it might fall off.’

  ‘It’s fake?’

  ‘I hope so,’ Connie said.

  ‘But that scar!’ Hamish said.

  ‘It’s good, isn’t it?’ Maggie said.

  ‘It’s amazing,’ Hamish said with a laugh. ‘But what are you up to?’

  ‘Mrs Wallace has shopped Connie to the local paper and Colin Simpkins is sniffing around. We’re trying to hide her,’ Maggie said. ‘Will you help us?’

  ‘Aye, of course I will,’ Hamish said. ‘I’ve never liked him anyway.’

  ‘Not since he stole your girlfriend from you,’ Maggie said.

  ‘Did he?’ Connie said. ‘That’s awful.’

  ‘Och, don’t worry, it was in primary school,’ Maggie explained.

  Hamish looked hurt. ‘I was still in love,’ he said.

  ‘Come on!’ Maggie said. ‘Let’s try this disguise out in the pub.’

  Alastair was already at the bar when Maggie, Hamish and Ralph walked in. Maggie caught his eyes and nodded her head towards Hamish and winked. Alastair nodded his understanding.

  ‘Come on, Ralph. Let’s get a drink,’ Maggie said and a few heads rose from their meals as they approached the bar.

  Maggie nodded and smiled at the regulars. ‘Hello,’ she said.

  They nodded back, all of them staring at Ralph.

  ‘Maggie’s boyfriend,’ Hamish said with a grin. ‘Ralph.’

  Fraser took their orders for lunch and they stood at the bar with their drinks.

  ‘Shouldn’t we be holding hands?’ Connie whispered to Maggie.

  ‘Yes, you should!’ Hamish whispered back.

  Maggie looked at her brother. He looked as if he was enjoying this a little more than was good for him.

  ‘Maybe a little canoodle too,’ he added.

  ‘Hamish!’

  ‘What?’ he said. ‘It wouldn’t look amiss, would it?’

  Maggie looked at Connie. ‘What do you think?’

  Connie leant her head towards Maggie and then did something that totally caught her unawares – she squeezed her bottom. Maggie leapt in the air and gave a little scream.

  The whole of the pub turned and looked.

  Maggie managed a giggle. ‘Ralph! You’re terrible!’ she said and everyone returned to their meals and drinks.

  Alastair sidled up next to them. ‘Aren’t you going to introduce me?’

  ‘Oh, of course,’ Maggie said. ‘Alastair, this is Ralph.’

  ‘Pleased to meet you, Ralph,’ Alastair said in a voice that was loud enough to be heard.

  And that’s when Colin Simpkins walked in. ‘Good afternoon, all!’ he said. Fraser acknowledged him with a nod but he was the only one who did.

  ‘Maggie,’ Colin said. ‘We meet again. Like I said.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Maggie said. ‘Can’t find anything better to do, then? Nobody else to bother?’

  ‘Maggie,’ Alastair said, ‘you were telling me where you met Ralph.’

  ‘Oh,’ Maggie said, ‘yes. We met at a concert in Glasgow. We bumped into each other – literally.’

  ‘When was that?’ Alastair asked.

  Maggie was just about to answer when the pub door opened again and in walked Mikey. If there was one person she hadn’t wanted to see at that moment, it was Mikey.

  I have a boyfriend, Maggie thought. I’m standing here having my bum squeezed by my boyfriend and Mikey’s going to see!

  Mikey joined them at the bar, nodding to Maggie and Alastair and chatting
to Hamish.

  ‘So, how long have you been together?’ Alastair continued.

  Maggie wanted to die or, at the very least, to thump Alastair in the guts and run away but she had to keep the act up. If she didn’t, Connie’s stay might be in jeopardy.

  ‘Oh, ages and ages,’ Maggie said with a little laugh that sounded quite mad.

  ‘How did you get that scar?’ Hamish suddenly asked.

  Maggie kicked him in the shins.

  Ralph cleared his throat. ‘Someone was asking me too many questions and we got into a fight.’

  Maggie grinned. ‘You should see the other guy, eh, Ralph?’

  From the other end of the bar, Colin leant forward and peered closer at Ralph. Maggie saw and knew that, if he continued staring at Ralph the way he was, he’d soon twig. So Maggie did the only thing she could to make sure there was no doubt in Colin’s mind that Ralph was a man. She kissed him. Her.

  She’d intended it to be a quick kiss but once she’d pressed her lips to Connie’s, she found that Connie soon entered the spirit of the thing and was kissing her right back.

  ‘Well,’ Hamish began but stopped, his cheeks red with embarrassment when the two of them finally came up for air.

  Maggie looked around her. Alastair’s eyes had doubled in size and his cheeks were as red as Hamish’s. She turned to look at Colin who looked thoroughly disgusted and was now ordering today’s special from the barman.

  It had worked, Maggie thought, and she was just feeling a little bit pleased with herself when she caught Mikey’s eye. He was staring at her, an expression on his face that she didn’t quite recognise. She opened her mouth to say something but what, exactly, could she say in the circumstances?

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Mrs Wallace told Alastair before bustling into the kitchen.

  ‘Nobody’s blaming you, Mrs Wallace, but Connie came here because she wanted to escape the press. She thought she’d be safe here with her fan club. She loves it here and I think she’d like to stay a bit longer but that’s going to be impossible if the press find her. You can see that, can’t you?’

  Mrs Wallace banged about with a few dishes in the sink. She wasn’t going to admit to anything, was she?

  ‘Look,’ Alastair said, ‘let’s put all this in the past. I think we’ve got rid of Simpkins for the time being.’

  He sighed. As much as he hated Mrs Wallace sometimes, it was better to have her as a friend than an enemy, and he decided that he’d better do as much of a repair job as he could and that meant flattering the old tartar.

  ‘Of course you do,’ he said. ‘Look, we’ve got the read-through tonight.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know if I’ll be in the play this year,’ she said and then paused for a moment. ‘Unless it’s worth my while.’

  Alastair knew exactly what she meant. ‘Of course it’ll be worth your while,’ he said encouragingly. ‘I thought you could play Maria. She’s one of the main characters and has some of the very best scenes in the play. The audience always adores Maria.’

  Mrs Wallace’s chest seemed to heave upwards. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘I’ll have to think about it.’

  ‘Okay,’ Alastair said, knowing full well that she’d be one of the first through the door of the village hall later that evening.

  ‘Do you really think Simpkins believes I’m a man?’ Connie asked as she and Maggie left the pub – still hand in hand just in case anyone was watching.

  ‘He must do,’ Maggie said. ‘He’s not following us.’

  ‘I think everyone bought it, didn’t they?’

  ‘Yes,’ Maggie said, remembering the strange look on Mikey’s face.

  ‘Maggie?’ Connie said as they stopped outside the B&B.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘You okay? You’ve been real quiet.’

  Maggie looked at Connie – or rather Ralph. ‘I—’ she stopped.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Mikey,’ she said in a subdued voice.

  ‘Oh!’ Connie said, suddenly realising. ‘He saw, didn’t he?’

  Maggie nodded. ‘I’m afraid he was in the front row.’

  ‘But you can explain, can’t you?’

  ‘I guess,’ Maggie said. ‘But when? I hardly see him.’

  ‘But he’ll be at rehearsals, won’t he?’

  Maggie shrugged. ‘It’s always pot luck with Mikey.’

  ‘Well,’ Connie said, ‘it’ll do him no end of good to be a bit jealous, won’t it? Did he look jealous?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Maggie said. ‘He looked more – disappointed to me.’

  ‘Disappointed is good too,’ Connie said. ‘That could work in your favour.’

  ‘Not if he’s not interested in me in the first place,’ Maggie said.

  ‘Maggie!’ Connie said, taking hold of her shoulders. ‘You’ve got to be more positive about things. I’ve never known anyone with so little self-belief. You’re a beautiful young woman and Mikey would be a fool not to be interested in you. Just look at you with your shiny dark hair and your gorgeous new outfit. Any man would love to have you as his girl.’

  They entered the B&B together.

  ‘You’re so kind to me,’ Maggie told Connie.

  ‘But you’ve got to be kind to yourself,’ Connie told her. ‘Only then will things start to happen for you.’

  ‘You think so?’

  ‘I know so,’ Connie said.

  ‘Connie?’ Isla’s voice came from the living room. ‘Is that you?’ She appeared in the doorway and took one look at Ralph standing next to Maggie.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I thought I heard Connie’s voice.’

  Connie and Maggie burst into laughter.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Alastair was right about Mrs Wallace. She was the first one to turn up at the village hall that evening.

  ‘I’m not saying I’m taking part,’ she said before Alastair had a chance to open his mouth, ‘but I thought I’d at least take a look to see what’s on offer.’

  ‘And very good of you it is too,’ Alastair said, turning his back to her as he wrestled with a stack of chairs and hoping she hadn’t seen him rolling his eyes. He wished he could do without Mrs Wallace in the play, he really did, but they struggled with numbers as it was and she was a valuable – if disagreeable – asset to the group.

  Sandy Macdonald was the next to arrive, which surprised Alastair as he wasn’t one to leave the comfort of home easily unless a pint was on offer.

  ‘Evening, Sandy,’ Alastair said.

  Sandy waved his greeting.

  ‘Anyone else out there?’ Alastair asked hopefully.

  ‘Aye. I just saw Angus making his way here but he’s taking his time,’ Sandy said. ‘So what’s in store, our Alastair?’ Sandy asked, hoping for a sneak preview.

  ‘Oh, you know it’s not right to divulge such information until everyone is here,’ Alastair said, knowing full well that he’d earmarked the role of Sir Toby Belch for Sandy. It was a good meaty role and, although Sandy often gave the impression of being a bit vague at times, he was always the perfect student when it came to the LADS and every performance was near perfect.

  Sure enough, the next figure through the door was Angus. As ever, he looked as if his day had been the worst that could be thrown at a man.

  ‘I hope there’s a cup of tea to be had,’ he said.

  ‘That’s a very good idea,’ Alastair said. ‘Why don’t you make a start?’

  Angus sighed and made his way downstairs to fetch the ancient kettle and even more ancient cups.

  ‘I’d better lend him a hand,’ Mrs Wallace said, her bosom quivering at the thought of Angus being left alone with the catering.

  ‘Hi, Alastair!’ a cheery voice sounded and Alastair looked up to see Kirsty walking into the hall, closely followed by her sister, Catriona. ‘Do you want a hand?’

  By the time all the chairs had been arranged in something vaguely resembling a circle, Euan and Isla had arrived
, and Mrs Wallace and Angus appeared with the tea things.

  ‘Isn’t Connie coming?’ Catriona asked, her face already forming into folds of disappointment.

  ‘Aye, she’s coming,’ Alastair said. ‘Be sure not to miss her, mind.’

  Catriona frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You’ll see,’ he said. ‘And we have Connie to thank for the books,’ he said, handing around the new copies of Twelfth Night.

  It was then that Hamish walked in, a great smile plastered on his face.

  Alastair smiled back. ‘Got anyone with you?’

  ‘Aye,’ Hamish said and he looked around as Maggie walked into the room with a young man.

  ‘Ah!’ Alastair said. ‘I see we have a new member.’

  Everyone looked up and saw Maggie hand in hand with a man in a cap with an alarming scar down his left cheek.

  ‘This is Ralph, everyone,’ Maggie said.

  ‘Hello!’ everyone echoed.

  Maggie and Ralph sat themselves opposite the Kendrick sisters and Kirsty nudged Catriona.

  ‘All right, girls?’ Ralph said, winking at the two of them.

  They both giggled.

  Alastair made sure everyone had a copy of the play and Mrs Wallace and Angus handed around the teas and coffees. It was then time to begin.

  ‘You’ve all had a chance to read the note I sent?’ Alastair asked the group.

  ‘You mean the outline of the story?’ Sandy asked.

  ‘That’s the one,’ Alastair said. ‘I thought it best you were familiar with the plot before the read-through.’

  ‘Aye, well, about that,’ Sandy began, stroking his chin, ‘I mean, I don’t like to think of meself as being dim but I didn’t understand a word of it.’

  ‘Ah,’ Alastair said.

  ‘I told you we should have done a nice Gilbert and Sullivan,’ Mrs Wallace said.

  ‘I’m not singing no poncy songs,’ Angus said.

  Alastair held his hand up. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘I’ll run through the plot again.’

  Five minutes later, the LADS all stared at Alastair with looks of varying bemusement.

  ‘Well, it’s a wee bit clearer now,’ Sandy said.