The Game of Denial

by Brenda Adcock

  Evey nodded and stepped aside to allow Joan to enter.

  "Let me take your coat," Evey said. Once she hung it in the closet of the front room, she rubbed her hands together. "Can I get you a cup of coffee or something else to drink?"

  "A glass of water would be fine," Joan said. She moved to stand in front of the fireplace to warm her hands as Evey left the room for a moment.

  "Did you fly down?"

  Joan took a long drink of the water and sighed. She shook her head. "I drove." She smiled. "I needed the extra time to think. Got a little turned around in D.C. though"

  "Have you eaten? I have some leftovers from last night."

  "No. I'm fine. Do you need to take care of the horses?"

  "Ralph will get them."

  "He's a good friend." Joan took another drink. "What do we need to talk about?" she asked.

  Evey attempted a light-hearted laugh, but it was hollow. "It seemed important when I called, but now I don't know what to say." She looked around before saying, "We should sit down. You look exhausted."

  Joan pinched the bridge of her nose and sat down. "I should have stopped at the hotel before I drove here," she said.

  "You can stay in the guest room here," Evey said. "Why waste the money?"

  "Do you think that's wise? What would people think?" Joan asked with a bite in her voice.

  Evey played with her fingernails and shifted on the couch. There were tears hovering in her eyes when she looked at Joan. "When you kissed me in New York it was the most wonderful feeling I'd ever experienced," she said quietly.

  "Then you pushed me away."

  "I was confused, torn between what I felt and reality." A tear escaped and ran down her face. She opened her mouth to speak, but a flood of tears stopped her.

  Joan moved to sit next to Evey and carefully wrapped her arms around the sobbing woman. "It'll be okay. We'll make it okay." She rubbed her hand in small circles over Evey's back. "I promise." She brushed Evey's cheek lightly with the tips of her fingers as their eyes meet. "Please, Evey, tell me this is what you want."

  Joan brought her lips closer to Evey's. She placed her hand against the side of Evey's face as she dropped soft kisses on her forehead, eyes, and cheek. She felt Evey's hands glide up her back and press her closer. She ran the tip of her tongue over Evey's lips asking permission to continue. She moved her hand into Evey's hair and waited as the soft lips beneath hers parted to allow her to enter. She moved her lips gently against Evey's, savoring the connection between them until Evey broke it and touched her lips with her fingertips as she breathed heavily.

  "I...I can't. I can't," she gasped.

  Joan's eyes searched Evey's and she moved away, inhaling deeply. "I know," she said, her voice filled with sadness.

  EVEY AWAKENED THE following morning, dressed quickly and, walked into the kitchen for a cup of coffee before searching for Joan. She pulled the front curtain aside and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Joan's white Lexus still parked in front of the house. She blinked to ward off the glare of bright sunshine reflecting off the snow and saw Joan leaning against the porch railing, speaking to someone on her cell phone. Joan turned and smiled when the door opened. Evey wrapped her hands around her mug while Joan finished her call.

  "Sorry about that," Joan said as she disconnected and slipped the cell into her pocket.

  "Business?"

  "Always," Joan said with a nod as she brought her coffee mug to her lips. "I'm in the process of turning the agency over to Charmaine. I never realized how much paperwork would be involved." She looked out across the front yard, smoothly covered with fresh snow. "It's beautiful here," she added, taking a deep breath. "Peaceful. Feel like a walk?"

  Evey shrugged. "If you want to we can. Just let me get my jacket."

  Wrapped in warm coats and mufflers, they strolled down a path that circled past the barn and stables and eventually into a wooded area filled with spruce and other evergreens. In what seemed like a natural movement, Joan took Evey's hand and held it comfortably as they walked.

  "Are you angry?" Evey asked.

  Joan shook her head. "Resigned, I think. Maybe disappointed. A little frustrated. You said you needed to talk and we have, I guess. Now I can go back home knowing I've done what I could."

  Evey stared down at her feet and kicked at the edge of a clump of snow. "I wish I was able to give you what you want, Joan."

  "You could, but would hate yourself later and blame me for forcing you into making a decision," Joan said. She took a deep breath of the brisk morning air. "It would probably be better if we didn't see or contact one another again," she said, plucking a small cone from a nearby blue spruce tree.

  "I never meant to hurt you, Joan."

  "You're killing me," Joan said as she released Evey's hand. "I can't go on like this, hoping for something that will never be." She turned back toward the house, lengthening her stride.

  "What are you talking about?" Evey asked as she trotted to catch up to Joan again.

  Joan stopped and looked at the woman next to her. "I'm tired of hoping you'll see what I feel and terrified you never will," Joan said, raising her voice.

  "Tell me," Evey said.

  "I'm in love with you, Evey. I want you. I need you. I ache for you. Thinking about you makes me crazy. I want to make love to you and have you make love to me until we're both too exhausted to move. I want you to feel how much I love you in a look and know I will never hurt you. I am not ashamed for loving you. I don't want to hide, or sneak around. I'm not too old to find happiness again, but I can't move on until I know how you feel. I don't want to play this stupid game of denial anymore. You may not want to hear it, but that's what I feel."

  Evey watched as Joan stomped off across the field back to the house, leaving deep footprints in the pristine snow. She stuck her hands in her pockets and wandered to the stables, stopping to stroke the necks of horses as their heads appeared over the gates of their stalls. When she reached Jackson, she smiled and rested her forehead against his massive head.

  "That's a woman with a powerful lot of love to give, Miz Evey," Ralph's voice said.

  Evey rolled her head against Jackson and looked at Ralph. "I know."

  "So what're you gonna do about it?"

  "What if it's a mistake?"

  Ralph shrugged. "What if it isn't?"

  "What about the kids?"

  "They're not kids anymore. They've all moved on in one way or another. It's time to let go of the past." He paused and rubbed a calloused hand up and down his face.

  "Do you think it's wrong? Two women together."

  Ralph gazed toward the house. "It don't really matter what me or anyone else thinks, Miz Evey. It only matters what you feel."

  "Will you stay?"

  "Got no place else to be."

  She patted Jackson's neck and turned to leave, pausing long enough to squeeze Ralph's arm as she walked by. "Breakfast will be ready in about an hour."

  JOAN WAS THROWING clothes into her suitcase, taking her frustration out on her helpless belongings. She had finally managed to free herself of Martine's memory. She shook her head. No, Martine would always be in her memory, but she had receded, allowing Joan the freedom to be with someone again. She'd finally laid all her feelings on the line. Fat lot of good that had done, she thought. Well, she'd just have to suck it up.

  "Joan?" Evey's voice said from behind her.

  "What?" Joan snapped as she grabbed a sweater and threw it into her suitcase.

  Warm hands settled on Joan's waist for a moment before she felt a body press against her back. She thought her knees would buckle as warm lips pressed against the back of her neck.

  "Don't leave," Evey whispered, sending a chill along Joan's spine. Her abdomen clenched as she covered Evey's hands with her own.

  Joan swallowed hard. "Why?" she said.

  Hot breath assailed her ear. "As much as I've fought it or tried to deny how I feel, I like knowing someone wants me."

&nbs
p; Joan turned and stroked Evey's cheeks. "I don't care why," she said as her mouth met Evey's. She moaned as Evey's hand pressed against the back of her head, increasing the pressure between their lips. She took Evey's face in her hands as she brought the kiss to an end.

  "I love you, Evey Chase," Joan said while her thumbs brushed over Evey's cheeks. "But I confess I'm scared."

  "Me too, sweetheart," Evey said. "I haven't felt this way about anyone since I was a teenager."

  "How do you feel?" Joan asked, kissing Evey's temple.

  "Out of control. Giddy."

  "I'd like to say I've never felt like that before either, but I have. I never thought I'd feel it again though." She tightened her arms around Evey and took a deep breath.

  "Please don't leave," Evey said.

  "Eventually I'll have to."

  "But not today. I want us to spend time getting to know one another. Unpack again while I start breakfast. Please."

  Hesitantly Joan pulled Evey closer and placed a light kiss on her cheek. "I'll be down in a few minutes to help you. Will Ralph be joining us?"

  "Yes, sorry."

  "He's a member of your family and belongs here."

  Evey hugged Joan quickly before retreating into the hallway and down the stairs as Joan began removing clothes from her suitcase.

  JOAN CLOSED THE door to her room and made her way down the stairs, the smell of coffee and bacon beckoning her toward the kitchen. She stopped when she saw Evey standing in front of the stove, one foot resting on top of the other. She crept up behind her to place a kiss on the back of her neck. Joan was surprised when Evey chuckled and leaned back against her. She encircled Evey's waist and peered at the bacon sizzling in the skillet. She whispered softly, "You're so beautiful. Do you have any idea how much I want you?"

  "Tell me," Evey said.

  "More than I want that bacon." Joan laughed and squeezed Evey for a moment. Her hand ran down Evey's back as she stepped away to take three plates from the cabinet. She carried silverware to the kitchen table and set three places before filling a mug with fresh coffee.

  "Do you have anything special planned for today?" Evey asked.

  Joan grinned over the rim of her mug as she sipped the hot beverage and waggled her eyebrows. She saw an adorable blush flood Evey's cheeks and shrugged. "Whatever you want to do. I'm yours for the next couple of days."

  Evey's blush deepened and she turned to concentrate on the bacon in front of her. Joan leaned against the counter and cleared her throat. Evey looked up and smiled. "Nervous?" she asked.

  "Scared out of my mind," Joan admitted.

  "Of what?"

  "I don't want to disappoint you."

  Ralph came into the mud room and stomped his feet to knock off anything clinging to his work boots. He walked into the kitchen and nodded in Joan's direction.

  Joan returned his nod. "Ralph," she said. "It's good to see you again."

  "You too, Mrs. Carmichael."

  "Joan, please," she said with a smile as she poured him a cup of coffee.

  Evey removed a platter filled with sausage from the oven and added the bacon to it then handed it to Joan while she poured a bowl full of eggs into the skillet. A few minutes later they were all sitting comfortably at the kitchen table consuming the simple breakfast. Evey got up halfway through to refill everyone's cups. She stopped next to Joan and settled a hand on her shoulder as she poured the coffee. Joan glanced at Ralph. He had to have seen the familiar touch, but said nothing.

  "Who's on the schedule today, Ralph?" Evey asked as she resumed her seat.

  "No one," Ralph answered.

  "I thought Jericho's rider was coming this afternoon."

  "They called and said something came up unexpectedly. Rescheduled for next week." Ralph shoveled the last bite of egg into his mouth and leaned back. "I figured today would be a good time to run some of our tack that needs fixin' in to the saddle shop. Probably wait around for it and bring it back this afternoon late."

  "I didn't know we had that much that needed repair," Evey commented.

  "Might as well get it done while things are a little slow," he said after he finished off his coffee. He looked at Joan over the top of his cup before scooting the chair back and standing. "I'll finish up the last couple of stalls before I leave. Anything you need from town, Miz Evey?"

  "No. We're good right now, but thanks for asking."

  Ralph carried his plate, cup and utensils to the sink and rinsed them. He walked back through the mud room and out the back door.

  "He was certainly quiet this morning," Evey commented. She took a swallow of her coffee followed by a deep breath. "Ralph likes you, you know," she said.

  "He cares about you," Joan said. "I'm glad to know someone is here that you can depend on."

  Evey rose from her chair and reached down to stack the remaining plates and utensils. Joan stood and took Evey by the arm. "Thank you for breakfast," she said.

  "You're certainly welcome," Evey said, not looking at her.

  Joan brought her hand up under Evey's chin and tilted her head up. Slowly she ran her fingers through Evey's hair. "So soft," she said as she brought Evey's lips closer, ignoring the clatter of plates carelessly returning to the table. "Evey," Joan said.

  "Please don't talk," Evey said as she drew Joan into a deep, soul shattering kiss.

  "I don't know how much longer I can wait to touch you," Joan said as her lips caressed the white softness of Evey's neck.

  Evey clung to Joan and felt her body relax into her gentle embrace. "Not much longer, sweetheart."

  JOAN BLINKED HER eyes open and took a moment to reorient her mind to where she was. Her body thrummed contently as she turned her head toward the mass of disheveled blonde hair lying on her shoulder. She raised her hand to touch its silkiness, but stopped, hesitant to awaken Evey. Evey had surprised her. Her fear seemed to melt away as they explored one another until exhaustion forced them to rest. She hadn't expected Evey's aggressiveness, but welcomed it. Joan couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so complete, a part of something greater than herself.

  Willowy limbs, stretching beneath the bedcovers, drew Joan's attention back to Evey's body as the cover fell to reveal tempting, delicious breasts. Evey lowered her arms and rolled onto her side. Her eyes fluttered open slowly, a shy smile curving the corners of her lips as she gazed at Joan. "I could get used to this," she said.

  "I hope you will. Are you all right?"

  "Better than all right," Evey said. She sat up and rested against the headboard. "Reborn."

  Joan moved up on the bed as well and leaned over to lightly kiss Evey, her hand sweeping up the side of her body to caress the swell of her breast. "You are so incredible," Joan said. "Go back to New York with me."

  "I can't leave the farm unattended."

  "Go for a couple of days. I'd love to show you my world."

  "I don't think I would fit in well there, Joan." She shrugged. "When do you have to leave?"

  "Sunday morning." She slid from the bed and began to dress. She smiled at Evey. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving and feel the need to plunder your refrigerator." She finished buttoning her shirt and leaned over the side of the bed. She ran her fingertips over Evey's nipple and bit her bottom lip to suppress a whimper as she felt it harden instantly under her touch. "Let me send Karina next Friday. Please, baby."

  "I'll think about it," Evey said with a teasing grin.

  SATURDAY MORNING JOAN helped Evey clean up the kitchen after breakfast.

  "I hate that you're leaving tomorrow," Evey said, running her hands around Joan's waist and pressing against her back.

  "You'll see me again in six days," Joan said.

  "Six, long, lonely, miserable days," Evey said. "And nights," she added in a whisper.

  "You could change your mind and drive back with me," Joan said. "I have a guest room, you know." She laughed. "Of course, hopefully you'll never see it, but I do have one."

  Evey pushed against he
r playfully. "You make me so happy."

  "I'm glad," Joan said as she kissed the top of Evey's head.

  "Let's go for a walk," Evey said.

  "Whatever you want," Joan said.

  They were still zipping and adjusting their coats as they stepped from the porch and began walking leisurely along the path past the barn and into a forested area. A few minutes later they left the cold shade of the trees and walked into a clearing of fresh snow. Evey released Joan's hand and turned, falling onto her back, raising and lowering her arms and sliding her legs back and forth. She held a hand up and Joan pulled her to her feet, brushing snow from the back of her coat. Evey spun around and smiled up at Joan. "Your turn!" she announced.

  Joan laughed and turned around, repeating what Evey had done, creating a slightly larger snow angel.

  "We should take a picture," Joan said as they brushed snow from her back. She looked at Evey. "Our first portrait together." She pulled her cell phone from her pocket and backed up a little to capture both snow angels. "They're beautiful," she said as she held the photo up for Evey to see.

  "I love you, Joan."

  "I love you, too, honey."

  Evey took Joan's hand and they continued to walk. "What about Monica?" she asked hesitantly.

  "We didn't part as well as I'd hoped. She was angry and said some things I'm hoping she'll regret later."

  "She was hurt. She loves you."

  "She'd hate me if I hadn't been honest with her. It wasn't my intention to use her. I hope she knows that."

  Evey ran her hand up and down Joan's arm. "Would you tell her I'm sorry as well? If I had faced my own feelings you wouldn't have turned to her."

  "She was here with me at Christmas, when you were missing," Joan said. "She knows about your husband. How bad it was for you." When she saw the look on Evey's face, she continued. "Ralph told us everything."

  Evey squinted up at Joan. "Ralph doesn't know everything."

  "Carly was his sister."

  "She told me she had a brother the last time I was with her. But I didn't know it was Ralph."